Morning Roundup, 03/31/09

• Darren Bent leaves England camp with an injury. Hey, someone had to fill Ledley King/Michael Owen's spot on the trainer's table.  [Goal.com]
• The Spurs striker will be replaced by Gabby Agbonlahor, who could always use the extra cash for child support. [Sky Sports]
• With insight like "[Barcelona] have been terrific this season," and "Messi is fantastic," Sir Alex seems to be primed for a future career as an on-air soccer pundit. [Guardian]
• FSC wins rights to the Champions League, beginning next season. This, inevitably, means more Max Bretos for American soccer fans. [Fox Sports]

Weekend In Review Bitches About The CL Draw: 3/23

So, basically, the four best teams left in UEFA Champions League that are not named ManU are all in the same half of the quarterfinal draw. I'd just like to say this to Michel Platini: Sir Alex Ferguson doesn't need your help getting to the final, though you gave it anyway by throwing him the weakest team for the quarterfinals (Porto) and potential matchups with an overrated Spanish team (Villareal) or a mostly underperforming British team (Arsenal). Meanwhile, two Final-worthy teams have to face one another in the quarters (Munich/Barca), and neither would get much relief from playing a strong British side in the semis (Chelsea/Pool).

I understand that it's a random draw and all, but the fact that it came out exactly the way it would have in Fergie's dream world is disappointing, and enough to frustrate the other four top quality squads that have all been stuck together on the wrong side of the bracket.

Portsmouth 2-1 Everton

Peter Crouch's two robot dances get a critical three points for Pompey.

Blackburn 1-1 West Ham United

The Hammers get held to a draw in their continued attempt to lock down a spot in Europe next year. Blackburn remains hopeful that they can lock down a spot in England's top flight again.

Fulham 2-0 Manchester United

Paul Scholes gets a red card for being old and forgetting that you can't use your hands in soccer (see above picture), and Fulham make United pay dearly.

Stoke City 1-0 Middlesbrough

If this continues, Middlesbrough won't have Liverpool to push around anymore next season.

Tottenham 1-0 Chelsea

Luka Modric hands the Blues their worst-timed loss of the year.

West Bromwich Albion 1-1 Bolton

Someone named Shittu scored the own goal that brought the Baggies a point. I'll leave you to make your own joke.

Newcastle 1-3 Arsenal

Another strong performance from the Gunners keeps them in fourth.

Wigan 1-0 Hull City

The Latics steal the match late, further dampening Hull City's relegation battle.

Manchester City 1-0 Sunderland

Robinho has an early penalty saved, but Man City pulls out three points in the second half in spite of his overratedness/overpaidness/Brazilianness**.

Liverpool 5-0 Aston Villa

Perhaps we here at WCIS should rethink our endorsement of Villa...

**Terms may be used interchangeably

Elsewhere:

In Spain, Real Madrid defeated Almeria 3-0, and Barcelona smashed Malaga at home, 6-0. The Barca lead remains 6 points.

In Italy, Juventus blew out Roma, 4-1, on Saturday. Inter won 3-0 against bottom of the table Reggina on Sunday to maintain a 7 point lead in Serie A going into the international break.

In Germany, Berlin's lead shrank to a single point after they lost to Stuttgart, and Bayern Munich and Wolfsburg both got wins on Saturday. Hamburg defeated Schalke on Sunday to also move within a point of the Berliners.

Top Of The Table:

Man U 65 Pts. +31
Liverpool 64 Pts. +33
Chelsea 61 Pts. +32
Arsenal 55 Pts. +21
Aston Villa 52 Pts. +7
Everton 48 Pts. +9

The Reds climb within a point of the Red Devils, and also the margin of their victory means they have also surpassed Man U on goal differential, which could turn out to be important in the end this year. Arsenal is now looking like a fourth place lock with their improving form and Villa's decomposition. Everton is seven points clear for the second Europa League spot.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Bolton 34 Pts. -12
Hull City 33 Pts. -17
Sunderland 32 Pts. -10
Portsmouth 32 Pts. -14
Stoke City 32 Pts. -18
Blackburn 31 Pts. -16
Newcastle 29 Pts. -13
Middlesbrough 27 Pts. -21
West Bromwich Albion 24 Pts. -29

Portsmouth and Stoke City both get critical victories to move three points clear of the guillotine, which now hangs over Newcastle's head. No worries, though- Newcastle's beer won't get relegated from my preferred options anytime soon...

Goal Of The Week:
Xavi opens the scoring for Barcelona


Midweek Action:

I got nothin'. Seriously, there isn't any top level club stuff this week, because the top players on those top clubs will be preparing for next weekend's round of World Cup Qualifying. While I could take this chance to declare war on the USA's two upcoming opponents, El Salvador and Trinidad & Tobago just don't generate the same "die in a fire" emotions as Mexico does.

Important Advice From Max Weinberg:




Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15.

MLS Season Preview

Ok, so the staff of WCS got together and decided to try something new with this post. We came up with a few questions regarding the new MLS season and we're all going to answer them. AT THE SAME TIME. Wait... Well, you know what I mean. Anyway, here we go!

1. How many times can we rip Khano Smith in the preview?

Mathemagician: The possibilities are endless, but I’ll try to keep it to once per question, out of respect for the fact that I don’t have to watch him try to play striker from left midfield anymore.

blastbao: This question is like asking why is the sky blue? Or why do platypus have bills? Is there really an answer?

The Big Bear: Oh, I'd say at least six or seven, which, if you didn't know, is equal to the number of times each game in which he is caught in possession. BA-ZING!

There's one.

2. What team will win the Eastern Conference?

M: As much as I hate Fetus-Face Blanco, I’ll take Chicago.

blast: Hmm... Not to be unoriginal, but if McBride stays healthy I don't see anyone but Chicago winning. Sorry Revs.

BB: Well, that makes a consensus. I say Chicago, too. Isn't it fun to agree about things?

3. What team will finish last in the East?

M: DC United finished awfully last year and I don’t think they’re getting any better.

blast: The East is tough... there are really no weak teams, but I'm going to have to say either DC or, as much as it pains me... the New England Revolution. I think losing Parkhurst is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. Sorry Revs.

BB: Unfortunately, I have to slot New England in here. Enjoy your season tickets, guys!

4. What team will win the Western Conference?

M: Someone shitty. Seriously, the best team out west lost their best talent and got older (Houston), and the rest of the group is no good to begin with. So…**picks name out of hat** Real Salt Lake.

blast: Khano will lead the Sounders to victory!!! Seriously though, they have a solid team, and don't forget about Freddie Ljungberg. That man has some serious skills, and everyone seems to have forgotten him, maybe due to his injury. I'll have to say he'll make a bigger impact in midfield than Beckham did with LA.

BB: Man, I have no idea. Houston, maybe? This is like picking the prettiest turd in the turd fair.

5. What team will finish last in the West?

M: LA Galaxy…they can’t defend worth a damn and they won’t have Beckham to help them make up the difference on the attacking end until his affair with Milan temporarily ends in July.

blast: For me it's a toss up between San Jose and LA. Both have weaker defenses and really didn't do too much to improve their rosters. Sure San Jose picked up Convey, but if anyone remembers he's not the type of player to score goals in droves.

BB: LA. Quick, name a player on their roster other than Landypants...

Fuck, I forgot about Eddie Lewis. Okay, then besides those two...

NO, DAVID BECKHAM DOES NOT COUNT

6. What team will win the MLS Cup?

M: Columbus gets one for the middle finger.

blast: Hmm... I'm going to go with... Chicago. As long as McBride stays healthy.

BB: Chicago, on the back of Blanco's perfect diving. No splash!

7. Who will be the league's top scorer?

M: Juan Pablo Angel

blast: Landycakes, if he comes back pissed off in the way that doesn't hurt him. He'll either have an amazingly good or amazingly bad season.

BB: I'll say former WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa striker Juan Pablo Angel.

8. Who will win the MVP?

M: Kenny Cooper

blast: I'm going to go with DeRosario. See question 10 for my reason.

BB: Dwayne DeRosario.

9. How will Seattle fare in its first season?

M: Sure, they have Nate Jaqua. And if the Kasey Keller they found time-travelled here from 5-10 years ago, even better. But the people running this team thought it would be a good idea to pick up Khano Smith, and therefore they are destined to FAIL.

blast: I say they make the playoffs. Good coach, strong team (and bench) and some great standout players. I don't see how they won't be successful.

BB: They should do well. The Sounders have already improved immeasurably by trading Khano away. They have a better roster than past expansion teams, and it can't hurt that the rest of their conference is crap. I say they make the playoffs.

10. What team will be surprisingly good?

M: Toronto adding DeRosario is intriguing, so I’d say they’ve got a decent chance at a playoff spot.

blast: Toronto. DeRo will lead them to glory, mark my words. No one will want to play them this year. I'd say they win the East, but you know, Chicago and Columbus are there too.

BB: Make it three for Toronto. San Jose could surprise some people as well. You can't discount English Legend Darren Huckerby. When you go on the internet, he is a terrific star.

11. What team will be surprisingly bad?

M: Chivas USA has been sliding since moving Brad Guzan to Aston Villa last year, and that slide could continue into this year.

blast: New England Revolution. Painful Painful Painful. Their stars are getting older and I don't think anyone will be able to replace Parkhurst. With him gone, maybe people will finally start to give him credit. Plus, if Ralston gets injured they're done. Twellman is overrated. Just kidding. I love you Revs and I should never ever doubt Stevie Nicol.

BB: Sorry, Revs, but I think this is the year you finally slide into mediocrity (See, I'm addressing the team directly ala Peter King). We can't even blame Khano Smith for this one.

12. What city will be awarded the next MLS franchise?

M: Phoenix, though they’ll call themselves “Deportivo Desert” or something similarly inane.

blast: I'm assuming we're not counting Vancouver, seeing as they were just granted franchise. I'd say Portland, but that's an easy pick. If not Portland than St. Louis.

BB: Besides Vancouver and Portland, which should receive their franchises via UPS sometime within the next 5-8 days, I'd have to guess St. Louis. As for a stupid name, how about "CSKA St. Louis", where CSKA stands for "Can Sure Kick Ass [in]".

13. Will Beckham return to LA in July?

M: Not sure what this question means…Beckham is fully committed to Los Angeles…and Milan…and playing anywhere so he can have a chance to play for England in South Africa next year…and maybe Madrid. The real question is, will Beckhamania writers find a way to write something “new” about David Beckham’s two-club deal, and his intentions about it, every day for the next year?

blast: No. I bet he buys himself out of contract. We shall see though. If he does come back, he's not going to be the player everyone wants him too. At that point he will not have had a break since before the start of the 2008 MLS campaign. Beckham, you're not a young gun anymore.

BB: OMG IF HE DOESN'T I WOULD JUST DIE.

No. Dude needs a break.

Morning Roundup, 03/19/09

• Rafa Benitez signs contract extension, allowing fans and pundits to vacillate between exclaiming "Rafa is a genius" (following wins over United) and "Rafa is an idiot" (after losses to Boro) through 2014. [Guardian]
• For the one or two sports fans who won't be watching the opening rounds of the NCAA Tournament, the MLS season kicks off tonight in Seattle. [Soccernet]
• And the Pacific Northwest (or, if you're Canadian, Southwest) will also receive two new MLS franchises, in Vancouver and Portland. [SBI, OregonLive]
• Stay tuned for our MLS season preview, hopefully coming later today!

Morning Roundup, 03/18/09

• Controversial Gallas goal puts Arsenal into the FA Cup semis as the Gooners top Hull, 2-1, at the Emirates. You know things are going well when the phrase "night of shame" is being thrown around. [Telegraph]
• Fabregas allegedly spits at Hull's assistant manager. Surprisingly, Arsene Wenger saw nothing. [BBC Sport]
• And you thought it was over. Beckham's back in the transfer rumor mill. This time, he may be returning to Madrid. [Goal.com]
• F365 predicts the big summer stories. Take home message: things never change. [F365]

Morning Roundup, 03/17/09

• Happy St. Patrick's day, everyone.
• Remember the whole Carlos Tevez affair from back when he was with West Ham in 2007? Well, it's not over. Not by a long shot. [BBC Sport, The Times]
• Mark Hughes may bench Robinho. Good thing he's not the most expensive player in the history of English soccer, or anything... Because, if that was the case, City would look pretty silly. [Guardian]
• Columbus top SBI's inaugural MLS Power Rankings. Real Salt Lake appear at the head of the "Stupid Team Name" charts. [SBI]

Weekend In Review...Now With Bundesliga! 3/16

A funny little thing happened in last week's Champions League Round of 16: Bayern Munich scored the biggest two leg win in the history of the competition. Sure, Sporting Lisbon isn't exactly a super-elite team, but winning 12 to 1 against anyone, at that level, is INSANE. Because of this, Munich piqued my interest in the top German league. After running a quick analysis of some of the other top leagues in Europe, it's clear that the German league is the most entertaining:

Goals per match by top league (as of Sunday):

German Bundesliga: 2.958
Spanish Primera Division: 2.948
Dutch Eredivisie: 2.877
English Premier League: 2.469
Scottish Premier League: 2.448
Italian Serie A: 2.459
Portuguese Liga: 2.251
French Ligue 1: 2.229

That, plus the fact that there were five teams within four points of the league lead coming into this weekend, earns Bundesliga a spot in this here weekly review.

Manchester United 1-4 Liverpool

I'd be much happier about this result if Pool could ever bring this intensity against friggin' Middlesbrough.

Arsenal 4-0 Blackburn

Andrei Arshavin catalyzes the Gunner victory. The man pisses excellence. And possibly vodka.

Bolton 1-3 Fulham

The Cottagers got their first road victory of the campaign, which is surprising considering they're having a solid season.

Everton 3-1 Stoke City

The Toffees jumped on Stoke early and mostly cruised to a win.

Hull City 1-1 Newcastle United

Two teams that could each have used three points instead split one apiece.

Middlesbrough 1-1 Portsmouth

Ditto above, thanks to Marlon King in injury time. In addition, Gareth Southgate is EPL's version of Jay Cutler.

Sunderland 1-2 Wigan

Fun Wigan Fact: The Latics are the youngest club in the Premier League, having been formed in 1932.

Chelsea 1-0 Manchester City

Michael Essien keeps Chelsea in second. They'd better hope they can stay there without Deco.

Aston Villa 1-2 Tottenham

Spurs win a match aptly described by BBC as "more open than a hungry teenager's fridge door".

West Ham United 0-0 West Bromwich Albion

This one takes place at 4 PM Eastern today.

Elsewhere:

In Spain, Real Madrid racked up five goals for themselves and accumulated two red cards against Athletic Bilbao in winning on Saturday, proving the club can actually score five goals in a game as their president predicted, as long as you play a crappy Spanish team and not a Top 4 British team. Barcelona won on two Bojan Krkic tallies, keeping the points gap between themselves and Madrid at the top of the table at 6.

In Italy, Juventus recovered from falling against Chelsea by destroying Bologna 4-1, with Del Piero scoring twice for the winning home side. Inter Milan won late on Sunday against Fiorentina. The battle for the title now has Inter in front by 7 points.

In Germany, Hertha Berlin stayed in front of everyone with another victory. Bayern Munich only scored 3 goals, but it was easily enough for them to win. Wolfsburg defeated last year's Champions League surprise side Schalke 04, 4-3, on Friday to keep pace, and Hoffenheim fell off the Berlin pace by drawing at Frankfurt. On Sunday, Hamburg won as well, leapfrogging Hoffenheim into fourth place. Munich and Wolfsburg remain even with Hamburg, four points from the top.

Top Of The Table:

ManU 65 Pts. +33
Chelsea 61 Pts. +33
Liverpool 61 Pts. +28
Arsenal 52 Pts. +19
Aston Villa 52 Pts. +12
Everton 48 Pts. +10

Man U's blowout loss drags them back into a bit of a fight for the title, though they remain in control. Arsenal now leads Aston Villa in the battle for the final Champions League spot, and Everton is well clear in the race for the second Europa League spot.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Bolton 33 Pts. -12
Hull City 33 Pts. -16
Sunderland 32 Pts. -9
Blackburn 30 Pts. -16
Newcastle 29 Pts. -11
Portsmouth 29 Pts. -15
Stoke City 29 Pts. -19
Middlesbrough 27 Pts. -20
West Bromwich Albion 22 Pts. -29

Congrats, Big Bear, Tottenham's Sunday win gets them off the list! With only nine matches to go, the race for survival is tightening up. Hull City are closer to safe than they were a few weeks ago. Newcastle and Portsmouth are barely clear on differential, and Stoke and Middlesbrough at least have some hope of staying up if they can turn their form around.

Goal(s) Of The Week:

You should have known this one was coming: Highlights of The Beatdown!


Midweek Action:

Arsenal finally gets around to playing their FA Cup quarterfinal against Hull City on Tuesday. We also get more UEFA Cup on Wednesday and Thursday, with the only British team remaining, Manchester City, taking a 2-0 lead into their second leg against Danish side Aalborg. Then, before next weekend gets underway, the final draw for Champions League and UEFA Cup takes place early on Friday morning. Until then I'll be hoping and praying Liverpool can draw Villareal or Porto in the quarters.

Important Advice From Max Weinberg:

Morning Roundup, 03/12/09

• The Special One may have punched a dude following his side's loss last night. JOSE MOURINHO IS GONNA FIGHT! [BBC News]
• Apparently , the sun never sets on the Premier League's empire, either. Both Arsenal and United progress, meaning all four English clubs have progressed Champions League Quarterfinals. Elsewhere, Barcelona whoop Lyon and Porto are through after a 0-0 draw with Atletico. [Sky Sports]
• In what can only be seen as an an improvement in Rome's security after past incidents, only one Arsenal fan was stabbed last night. [Goal.com]
• Looks like Portland is on their way to being awarded the next MLS franchise. Hopefully this will bring Timber Jim back. [SBI]

Morning Roundup, 03/11/09

Image from Sky Sports

• Liverpool demolish Real Madrid at Anfield, 4-0, thus proving that Middlesbrough may, in fact, be Europe's best team. [BBC Sport]
• Chelsea are through on aggregate after drawing 2-2 with Juventus at the Bridge. [Guardian]
• Bayern Munich just manage to squeak past Sporting Lisbon with a 7-1 win at home to go with their 5-0 win in Portugal. [Sky Sports]
• In other Portugal-related news, Cristiano Ronaldo is just your average sketchy dude. [Goal.com] 

Morning Roundup, 03/10/09

• Believe it or not, Rafa Benitez has found something to complain about. This time, it's that he doesn't receive enough credit from the press. [Guardian]
• In other Liverpool-related news, the Champions League continues today. Real Madrid president Vicente Boluda has yet to predict a margin of victory for his club. My guess is that his claim will be in the eleventy billion - 0 region. [SBI]
• Beckham plans to purchase an MLS franchise. The siren song of the Kansas City Wizards was just too much for the Milan midfielder. [BBC Sport]
• Dimitar Berbatov believes he has found your glove. [Dirty Tackle]

Weekend In ReBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAM!!1! 3/9

We can finally call off the Code Red! We can go back to living our lives, instead of spending our days shuddering in anticipation of the most important question ever asked in this universe! That question, of course: ZOMG what will happen to David Beckham he really likes Milan but LA wants him back where is he going to be?

That's right, the morons finally have their answer, as the LA Galaxy and AC Milan have come to an agreement that the universally overrated David Beckham will remain in Milan until July, when he will return to the MLS, and then he will pinball back and forth between the teams for the rest of eternity.

And now on to the games.

Premier League:

Sunderland 1-1 Tottenham

Robbie Keane secures the draw in the 89th minute, showing Rafa Benitez that the Irishman can score goals, especially if you ever feel like actually playing him.

FA Cup 5th Round/Quarterfinals:

Fulham 0-4 Manchester United

The Red Devils are going to need a new wing for all the damn trophies they're going to take down this year.

Coventry City 0-2 Chelsea

Chelsea takes down the last non-Premier League side. This year's final is guaranteed to look a lot more traditional than last year's Portsmouth/Cardiff match.

Arsenal 3-0 Burnley

Maybe Arsene can take a day off from whining like a bitch after this win?

Everton 2-1 Middlesbrough

Everton reaches the semifinals for the first time in 14 years, which was coincidentally the last time they won the cup.

The semifinal draw also took place, and Wembley will see Man U take on Everton, while Chelsea will await the winner of the Arsenal/Hull City quarterfinal in ten days or so.

Elsewhere:

In Spain, Barcelona finally stopped hemorrhaging points at the top of their league with a 2-0 win, and were helped by Real Madrid coming up with only one point in their derby with Atletico. Barca's lead inflated back to six points.

In Italy, Inter maintained their lead at seven points as both they and chasing Juventus picked up road wins on Saturday. IN OTHER NEWS BECKHAM OBVIOUSLY PLAYED AWESOME AND IS SUPER HAPPY TO BE STAYING AT MILAN CUZ THEY TOTALLY WON 3-0 ON SUNDAY WHAT A HAPPY FAIRY TALE ENDING ZOMG! (Btw, Milan is 12 points behind their intracity rivals)

Goal Of The Week:

Eduardo scores in the FA Cup 5th Round:


Midweek Action:

Champions League Round of 16 second legs are where it's at this week. Liverpool may be without Fernando Torres, and will be without first leg goal scorer Yossi Benayoun as they try to finish off their 1-0 lead at Anfield against Real Madrid. Chelsea and Arsenal are both going on the road for the second leg with 1-0 leads against Juventus and Roma respectively. Quintuple-aspiring Man U failed to get a goal at Inter Milan, but the score is even with the match at Old Trafford, meaning a tie other than 0-0 eliminates the Red Devils.

In other matches not involving English teams, Bayern Munich takes a 5-0 lead home against Sporting Lisbon, and Barcelona takes their road goal from a 1-1 first leg home against Olympique Lyonnais. The most interesting non-England matchup might be Atletico Madrid at FC Porto, where the score from the first leg was 2-2. Rounding out the final 16, Villareal goes to Greek side Panathinaikos, with the score even at 1 a piece.

Important Advice From Conan O'Brien:




Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15. David Beckhamania should hopefully be over in about ten years.

Because Soccer Players, John, are Fickle Bitches (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

In one of this season’s least surprising developments, Manchester United won a trophy. If you weren’t aware, it was the Carling Cup, and they beat Tottenham in the final. Obviously, I was thrilled at this development. What should have been particularly frustrating for me was that, in their cup run (if not in the file), United prominently featured two former Spurs stars in Michael Carrick and Dimitar Berbatov. But frankly, soccer players are fickle bitches, so this is not shocking whatsoever. The bulk of United’s squad likely jumped at the chance to play for the club because “they wanted to win trophies”.

And therein lies the problem. Manchester United, and to a lesser degree, the rest of the big four, attract top players (and bandwagon fans) because they are unbelievably successful. Bringing in top players allows the club to maintain their successes, further attracting other top players, which brings in more trophies, and so on ad infinitum. It’s a pain-in-the-ass mobius strip for non-big four supporters, who see the bulk of their best talent shipped off to more successful teams. As an example, West Ham could have boasted a squad featuring Fredi Kanoute, Jermain Defoe, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick, Glen Johnson, and Rio Ferdinand, had these players not abandoned their team for greener pastures. Hell, throw in some current Hammers with these guys and West Ham could easily make a run at the big four. Surely they could have at least won some of the accolades for which they left the club.

Things are so much easier if you just play for United though. At this point, you pretty much just need to show up and everyone loves you and you win everything, ever. Hell, even Kieran Richardson has a Premier League winner’s medal, so how hard can it be? This dangerous precedent means we’re going to be stuck with Man U being at or near the top of the Prem for the next ever.

The Premiership: The world’s most exciting league (If you’re a Manchester United fan)!


There is only one Premiership game this weekend. Beggars can’t be choosers, so you’re stuck watching this one, regardless of the rating I would give it (a 3, by the way).


Sunderland v Tottenham: Saturday, 1000
Word around town is that if Sunderland stay up, manager Ricky Sbragia will finally be given that extra vowel his last name needs.
Prediction: 1-0


Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

Torino v Juventus: Saturday, 1430
Torino are undefeated in their last seven matches, but haven beaten their neighbors since 1995 and bb;n;;nbbn bwpioytbijowgk.

I fell asleep on my keyboard just thinking about this game. Maybe Claudio Ranieri could spice things up with another racist comment. Seriously, though, what was he thinking? He’s not Spanish!
Prediction: 0-2


La Liga Match of the Week

Real Madrid v Atlético Madrid: Saturday, 1400
Ooh, another derby match. Except this one will probably be entertaining to watch.
Prediction: 3-2


Bundesliga Bundesfuntime Bundesshow

TSG Hoffenheim v Werder Bremen: Saturday, 0930
The Hoff’s dream season is slipping away. Winning one game since the beginning of December will do that. Hey, but at least their nickname around this place pretty much guarantees them popularity in their homeland.
Prediction: 2-2


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

David Beckham will sign with AC Milan when it is shockingly revealed that noone gives a shit.


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo

“Whisky in the Jar” (Pretty much the whole song)
Thin Lizzy
Vagabonds of the Western World


This is what happens when your band has two lead guitars.

Funny Internet Thing

Vanilla Ice's Words of Wisdom

"Have you ever seen a turtle get down? Slammin' and jammin' to the new swing sound?"

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

OOOH ASHLEY COLE GOT ZINGED!

From The Independent's Sam Wallace:

It is a curious fact that, since he joined Chelsea in August 2006, Ashley Cole has proffered more public apologies than he has scored goals for the club that made him the best-paid left-back in the world.

Ooh, tasty burn!

Morning Roundup, 03/05/09

• United essentially clinch the Premier League title with a 2-1 win at Newcastle. How exciting. [Guardian]
• Robbie Keane and Aaron Lennon star as Spurs demolish Boro, 4-0. Of course, this totally makes up for the loss in the Carling Cup final. [Sky Sports]
• WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa continue to let their tenuous hold on a Champions League place slip as they fall to wealthy Arab tycoon-endorsed Man City, 2-0. [F365]
• Elsewhere, Stoke (featuring the musical stylings of Rory Delap and the Throw-ins) and Hull both claim important wins over Bolton and Fulham, respectively, while West Ham beat Wigan and Everton draw 0-0 with Blackburn. [Soccernet]
• Ashley Cole arrested for being drunk and disorderly. Is also a douchebag. [BBC Sport]
• Man City allegedly prep 100 million pound offer for Lionel Messi. For some reason, they're unwilling to listen to my "Fill Old Trafford with PBR" suggestion. [Goal.com]

Weekend In Review Writes Liverpool's Obituary: 3/2

Everton 2-0 West Bromwich Albion

Yawn.

Middlesbrough 2-0 Liverpool

On February 28th, at 11:45 AM, Liverpool FC's chances of winning the Premier League for the first time in 19 years passed away. Liverpool leaves behind its fans, and Rafa Benitez, though the Spaniard is not expected to outlive them by more than a few weeks. In lieu of flowers, send beer. Or hard alcohol.

Arsenal 0-0 Fulham

I can't even bring myself to revel in Arsenal's continued epic failure. Well, maybe a little...

Chelsea 2-1 Wigan

Super Frankie Lampard gives the Blues a win in extra time, and Chelsea takes over the "Can Team X catch Man U??" title.

Hull City 1-2 Blackburn

Are any of this year's promotees going to stay up?

West Ham United 1-0 Manchester City

The Hammers are moving up the table quietly, and with the Carling Cup results they may have a shot at playing in Europe next season.

Bolton 1-0 Newcastle

An awful year for Newcastle continues, especially with Man U coming to visit mid-week.

Aston Villa 2-2 Stoke City

A shocking final five minutes steals two points from the Villans.

CARLING CUP FINAL:
Manchester United 0-0 Tottenham
Manchester United wins on penalties, 4-1

After 120 scoreless minutes, Jamie O'Hara and David Bentley fail to convert on their penalty attempts, and Man U's quest for five trophies is now officially up to two, assuming you count their Club World Cup victory. With the loss, Spurs' torrid love affair with UEFA Cup appears to be over, at least for a year.

Promotion Watch:

Automatic-
Wolverhampton 64 Pts. +20
Birmingham City 61 Pts. +10

Playoff-
Reading 59 Pts. +29
Preston North End 56 Pts. +4
Sheffield United 55 Pts. +15
Bristol City 54 Pts. +7

Other Contenders-
Cardiff City 53 Pts. +14
Swansea City 52 Pts. +13
Burnley 52 Pts. -1
Ipswich Town 50 Pts. +10

Elsewhere:

In Spain, Real Madrid won on Saturday, and Barcelona lost leads of 2-0 and 3-2 on the way to a 4-3 defeat by Atletico Madrid on Sunday, closing the points gap at the top of their table to four. Barcelona's near-certain Spanish league championship is falling apart fast.

In Italy, Roma and Inter drew on Sunday, and AC Milan lost, while Juventus won on Saturday, which makes the Inter league lead 7 points.

Top Of The Table:

Man U 62 Pts. +35
Chelsea 55 Pts. +31
Liverpool 55 Pts. +23
Aston Villa 52 Pts. +15
Arsenal 46 Pts. +13
Everton 44 Pts. +8

Man U now gets another "game in hand" in the league, and Liverpool's loss gives them a seven point lead outright. It's barely even a race at this point. Everton joins the list as they move into the second UEFA Cup spot for next year.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Manchester City 32 Pts. +7
Sunderland 31 Pts. -6
Hull City 29 Pts. -17
Tottenham 28 Pts. -4
Newcastle 28 Pts. -10
Portsmouth 28 Pts. -14
Blackburn 26 Pts. -13
Middlesbrough 26 Pts. -16
Stoke City 26 Pts. -19
West Bromwich Albion 22 Pts. -27

Man City and Sunderland rejoin the race to stay up after Man City lost and Sunderland sat idle. Blackburn's victory leaves them safe for the moment, at the expense of Stoke City.

Goal Of The Week:
Celtic drops 7 on St. Mirren



Mid-week Action:

The Premier League has some midweek matches ahead of the FA Cup next weekend, and Coppa Italia and Copa Del Rey return briefly for their semifinals.

Important Advice From Max Weinberg:



Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15.