Halloween Derbies: 10/31 in Review

Aston Villa 0-0 Birmingham City

Not much to be said about a scoreless draw that had seven total shots on goal. A bit underwhelming for a derby match.

Newcastle United 5-1 Sunderland

Speaking of derbies, Newcastle were emphatic in victory over their local rivals. Kevin Nolan scored twice in the first half, and Shola Amoebi converted a penalty for a 3-0 halftime lead, then Nolan finished off the hat-trick before Darren Bent ruined the Magpies' clean sheet, for what that's worth.

Bolton 0-1 Liverpool

Maxi Rodriguez got the winner for the Reds. It did not look nearly as awesome as this:



The Premier League's Matchday 10 concludes tomorrow with Blackpool hosting West Bromwich Albion. The way those clubs attack, it should be a wide open goal-fest. Which means it'll turn out to be a boring nil-nil slog of a game.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Kilmarnock climbed out of last place (and sent St. Mirren to take their place) with a 3-0 win at Hearts.

Spanish Inquisition:

Villareal, down a goal and a man on the road, still managed an equalizer in second half extra time, via a penalty converted by New Jersey Italian Giuseppe Rossi. The point rescued leaves them three points off the pace of Real Madrid. Elsewhere, Racing Santander escaped the bottom three with a 4-1 victory over Osasuna, and Deportivo De La Coruna moved out of last place, but not the bottom three, with a 3-0 win against Espanyol.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the lunchtime kickoff, surprise league leaders Lazio got a first half goal and survived 15 minutes with ten men to win 1-0 at Palermo, extending their lead atop the table to four points over Inter Milan.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund defeated Mainz 2-0 to claim first place in the Bundesliga by one point. Of note, Mainz missed a penalty when down 1-0. Later, Hoffenheim beat Hannover 4-0 to take over third place, seven points behind Dortmund.

Midweek Matches:

Europe League, baby! I'm sure those boring Champions League matches will warm everyone up for the real deal European league on Thursday.

Undeserved Results Win Titles: 10/30 in Review

Clint drops a Deuce on Wigan

Arsenal 1-0 West Ham United

After 87 minutes of frustration by the Hammers' defense, Alex Song struck to secure three points for the home side at the Emirates, which was crucial because...

Blackburn 1-2 Chelsea

...the Blues won despite looking second best for large stretches of the match at Ewood Park. It's getting undeserved points (and the Blues deserved only one point at best for how well they played overall) that wins league titles. That's why Liverpool hasn't won the title in recent years: when they don't deserve a win, they sure as hell don't get it, ever. (I suppose one could say the same about Spurs?)

Everton 1-0 Stoke City

The Yak scored the winner for the Toffees, who suddenly find themselves seventh in the table, not too long after having been near the bottom.

Fulhamerica 2-0 Wigan

I realize Fulham isn't really Fulhamerica anymore, but they were today, winning through two goals from USA forward Clint Dempsey. America, FUCK YEAH!

Wolverhampton 2-1 Manchester City

City grabbed the early lead on a penalty, but Wolves fought back Nenad Milijas and David Edwards and held on for a win that dealt a big blow to Man City's title hopes*.

*not really, there are 28 matches to go...I just felt a need to mock the cliche comment that's made after any big club loses a match.

Manchester United 2-0 Tottenham

The final result was overshadowed by the controversial second United goal. To set the scene: Nani was played into the area, and probably should have seen a yellow card for his seventh dive of the day, in which he was trying to hoodwink the referee into a penalty (as his Portuguese background taught him to do). After this, Heurelho Gomes thought a free kick had been awarded, though the referee had not signalled any stoppage of play. Gomes placed the ball down, and Nani simply took it an kicked it into the net. Nani then followed that up with a ridiculous, Michael Jordan-esque tongue-wagging celebration, even though he had done nothing remotely spectacular. Nani is a douche.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Celtic fans recovered from their derby loss last weekend by threatening the referees and their families with death. Once they were done with that bit of class, the club managed a 3-0 win at St. Johnstone. In an actual shock, that result brought them within a point of Rangers, who dropped points for the first time all season, settling for a 1-1 draw at home with Inverness CT. In a side note, USMNT man Maurice Edu scored the lone tally for Rangers, which gave them the lead for most of the match, prior to an 81st minute leveler.

Spanish Inquisition:

Valencia, hosting Real Zaragoza, could only manage a 1-1 draw. Hercules, who beat Barcelona earlier in the season, led Real Madrid 1-0 at halftime, but the lead was fleeting. Three goals after the break, two from Crissy, kept Real Madrid in first place for another week. Barcelona, in one of their biggest matches of the season, finally showed the full form they regularly displayed for the last two years, stomping ten-man Sevilla at the Camp Nou, 5-0.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Roma, in their quest to climb back up from the bottom third of the table, defeated Lecce, 2-0, despite a sending off for former Italian national teamer Francesco Totti. Juventus beat AC Milan 2-1 in Milan, ensuring that Lazio remains in first place for another week and giving them a chance to extend their lead with a win tomorrow at Palermo. Juventus slid up to fourth place with the win.

Das Boot:

Bayer Leverkusen defeated Schalke 1-0, to climb up to third in the German standings. Recent Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg defeated Stuttgart at home to climb back toward the middle of the table. FC Cologne came from behind to defeat Hamburg, 3-2, to move out of last place; moving in: Borussia Monchengladbach, 3-0 losers against Kaiserslautern.

Destroy the Brain (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

As Halloween is nearly upon us, it has become time once again to raise zombie awareness. I've petitioned the Premier League countless times for teams to wear gray with their uniforms (as the NFL does with pink for breast cancer awareness), but have yet to receive anything in return other than a strongly worded cease and desist letter. So, for the time being, I'll just have to do what I can in this space.

You can always purchase Max Brooks's Zombie Survival Guide for a comprehensive review of the subject, but here are a few tips for now:

• Destroy the brain. Come on, people. You should know this by now. And yet zombie movies, which I surmise are all documentaries, still show people trying to take out zombies using conventional strategies. Shooting a zombie anywhere besides the head will accomplish nothing (much like shooting Mongo) besides increasing your chance of becoming zombie chow. Your best bet is a strong blow to the dome with something like a monkey wrench or crowbar. Speaking of which...

• Carry a crowbar. Not only is it good for busting zombie skulls, but you can also use it to break into a building if you're in trouble and need to escape from a zombie horde. I have a crowbar on me at all times, and keep several hidden around my home and office.

/removes crowbar from under desk
/takes practice swing
/breaks window, is escorted from office by security

• Zombie versions of your loved ones are not, in fact your loved ones. This is another thing that folks in zombie movies tend to forget. That zombie in the doorway may look an awful lot like your girlfriend, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. You gotta kill that thing to ensure your survival and possibly that of the human race. No mercy. Just like PSV Eindhoven last weekend.

SEE, I'M KEEPING IT SOCCER-RELATED

While there is much more you can do when the inevitable zombie outbreak occurs, these three simple strategies should at least help you along your way. And, hey, you may even make it to the end of the movie survive the damn thing, if you're lucky.

Unless you're the token minority or slutty girl of your group. Then you're screwed.

And that's one to grow on.

And now back to your regularly scheduled Weekend Preview.

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

ZOMBIE FILMS WITH "... OF THE DEAD" IN THEIR TITLES

5 (Shaun of the Dead)

Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 3-1

I don't know what the deal is with this whole "Curse of Old Trafford" thing. It's not like Spurs haven't won there since the 1980s, or anything...

Oh, right.

4 (Dawn of the Dead, both original and new versions)

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa vs. Birmingham City
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-1

It's a Birmingham Derby! Winner gets ELO!

Newcastle United vs. Sunderland
Sunday 0930
Prediction: 2-2

It's a Tyne-Wear Derby! Winner gets that depressing beach from the end of "Get Carter"!

3 (Night of the Living Dead)

Everton vs. Stoke City
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Stoke City are obviously the team of choice for broheims everywhere.

Bolton Wanderers vs. Liverpool
Sunday, 1200
Prediction: 1-2

Blackpool vs. West Brom
Monday, 1600
Prediction: 0-1

Although it's good to see Blackpool doing well, I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to use "More like BlackPOO, AMIRIGHT?" yet.

2 (Diary of the Dead)

Arsenal vs. West Ham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 4-0

It bothers me that my favorite club's name is based on a Shakespearean character/English nobleman, while its chief rival takes its name from A FUCKING MUNITIONS FACTORY.

I therefore propose a new definition for "Hotspur": a place filled with fireworks, booze, and naked ladies. Like a strip club on the 4th of July, but less awkward and depressing.

Blackburn vs. Chelsea
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2

Wolverhampton vs. Manchester City
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

1 (House of the Dead)

Fulham vs. Wigan
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0

It needs to be repeated that the House of the Dead is a horrible, horrible movie.


Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Barcelona vs. Sevilla
Saturday, 1700
Prediction: 3-2

Take it away, Ray:

"I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH LITTLE LEO MESSI TRICK OR TREAT THROUGH THAT SEVILLA DEFENSE! HE'LL BE GETTING ONLY THE BEST CANDY! THAT LITTLE WARRIOR WILL BE SWIMMING IN KING-SIZED MARS BARS AND PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, WHILE POOR SEVILLA ARE GONNA END UP WITH PENNIES AND RAISINS! OH, MESSI'S JUST LIKE MICHAEL MYERS! EVEN IF YOU DECAPITATE HIM, HE STILL ISN'T BEATEN!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Mainz vs. Borussia Dortmund
Sunday, 1030
Prediction: 1-2

I actually enjoy watching the Bundesliga, and I can't name a single player on Mainz, who currently are at the top of the league table. I don't know if that's more telling of Mainz's unexpected rise or my ability as a soccer blogger.

Probably the latter.


Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

AC Milan vs. Juventus
Saturday, 1545
Prediction: 1-0

As I've been having a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I think I'll just start posting videos that are tangentially related to Italy.

Sticking with this week's zombie theme, here's a clip of a zombie fighting a shark from Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2".

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

After having signed J.D. Drew to the Red Sox a few years back, new Liverpool owner John Henry will attempt to corner the market on players that don't appear to give a shit by going after Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Whole Lotta Rosie"
AC/DC
Let There Be Rock

I just rocked out so hard that I forgot my own birthday.

Funny Internet Thing






The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"I feel like this job is beneath me, I'm a bartender. I do, like, great things."
-Angelina

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.

Morning Roundup, 10/28/10

Image Source: Getty Images

• Newcastle keeper Tim Krul scores an own goal as the Gunners rout the Magpies at St. James' Park, 4-0. I am sorely disappointed in England's headline scribes today, as no one used "It's a Krul Game for Newcastle" in their Carling Cup match reports. For shame. [Independent]

• In the remaining 4th round fixtures, American defender Eric Lichaj plays 120 minutes (this has to earn him a participation trophy, no?) as WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa need extra time to eliminate Burnley, while West Ham beat Stoke, also after extra-time. [Soccernet]

• I always thought Notlob forward Ivan Klasnic's nickname "Rapey Von Rapenstein" was odd. Now it all makes sense... ALLEGEDLY [F365]

• Wolves head honcho Jex Moxey (which is clearly a made-up name) calls out Arsene Wenger for, well, being Arsene Wenger. [DT]
  

Morning Roundup, 10/27/10

Image credit: skysports.com

Javier Hernandez flees the scene as a Wolves defender pummels a man to death.

• Little Pea nets a 90th minute winner to send Wolves out of the Carling Cup. The first girl to develop breasts in South Park also scores for the Red Devils. [Guardian]
  

• In other League Cup action, Birmingham survive a scare against League One side Brenford. Other winners include West Brom, Wigan, and Ipswich Town. [Sky Sports]

• Today's shocking news: Michael Owen is injured. [Soccernet]

• Torsten Frings may join the Red Bulls (or the Cosmos) at some point in the future. The folks at Unprofessional Foul are not particularly fond of this development, for some reason...

Oh, right. [UF]

Morning Roundup, 10/26/10

Let's pour some out for our homie, Paul.

• R.I.P. Paul the Psychic Octopus.

Looks like he...
/removes sunglasses
chose the mussel in the "death" box...
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH

[Independent]

• UEFA President Michel Platini warns that goal-line technology will lead to "Playstation football". In other news, UEFA President Michel Platini has no idea what a Playstation is. [BBC Sport]

• Following the news that an Indian firm is set to take over the Lancashire club next month, Michael Scott is expected to give Blackburn Rovers the "Spicy Curry Award" at this year's Dundies. [Guardian]

• I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Dressing up like a zombie in public is akin to yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theatre. Don't be surprised if someone whaps you upside the head with a shovel, Lazio fans promoting "The Walking Dead". [Dirty Tackle]
  

Unhealthy Love for Van Der Vaart, You Say?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Your Name is NOT Chicharito: 10/24 in Review

Stoke City 1-2 Manchester United

Manchester United managed to blow another lead on the road, but Mexican fuckstick Javier Hernandez struck his second goal of the day, which proved the winner for the Red Devils. I'm not sure what annoys me more, that he scored two goals, or that he has his nickname on his jersey. He should have to legally change his name, a la Chad Ochocinco, to do that.

Liverpool 2-1 Blackburn

By many accounts, Liverpool dominated large stretches of this match. Of course, it took them three minutes to blow their first lead, on an own goal no less. But hey, three points! Maybe they're out of the bottom three now!

/looks at table

Oh Goddamit!!

Manchester City 0-3 Arsenal

In a match that featured three goals, a saved penalty, a straight red card and 6 yellows, the moment I'll remember the most was when Cesc Fabregas saw a yellow for a poor tackle on Nigel De Jong. Cesc insists he is Not That Kind Of Player, and I'm sure Nigel is bemoaning the inherent danger that all these horrible tackles cause for a player of his skill.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

The first strike in the Old Firm derby goes to Glasgow Rangers, who pulled off a 3-1 victory at Celtic Park, their ninth win from nine matches. The win opened up a three point lead atop the table for the 'Gers.

Spanish Inquisition:

Sevilla, hosting Athletic Bilbao, got two goals apiece from Luis Fabiano and Frederic Kanoute to win 4-3. In the late game, Villareal beat Atletico Madrid 2-0 to pass Barcelona on goal difference for second in La Liga, one point behind Real Madrid.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the early games, surprise league leaders Lazio won 2-1 at home against relegation-threatened Cagliari. In the late game, Samuel Eto'o salvaged a 1-1 draw for Inter Milan against Sampdoria, which left them in second place, 4 points behind Lazio. Finishing out Matchday 8 in Serie A will be AC Milan at Napoli on Monday, where a win will bring the Milanese within two points of the league leaders.

Das Boot:

Mainz won their eighth match in nine, 1-0 at Bayer Leverkusen, to re-claim the top spot in the Bundesliga, as Borussia Dortmund missed a penalty and could only muster a stoppage time equalizer at home against Hoffenheim. Die Nullfunfer's lead is two points in front ahead of their head-to-head clash with Dortmund next Sunday.

Bonus Crazy Dutch Result!

PSV Eindhoven, already atop the Eredivisie table and leading Feyenoord Rotterdam 2-0 at halftime and up a man, proceeded to drop eight second-half goals and win by the modest scoreline of 10-0.

Midweek Action:

Carling Cup Round of 16! The most notable matches there are Newcastle hosting Arsenal, and Manchester United hosting Wolves. At least one non-Premier League team will make the quarterfinals, as Championship side Ipswich Town host Northampton Town of League Two.

Baggie Power?! 10/23 In Review

Tottenham 1-1 Everton

It wasn't a win for Spurs, but I'm sure The Big Bear's love of Rafael Van der Vaart continues to grow more unhealthy with each passing game. Though Everton took a brief lead, the Dutchman and Real Madrid castoff pulled an equalizer three minutes later as the two teams shared the points.

Birmingham City 2-0 Blackpool

Liam Ridgewell and Nikola Zigic tallied to help move the Blues away from the relegation zone, which they were flirting with as the match started.

Chelsea 2-0 Wolverhampton

Double congratulations are in order for Wolves. 1. Way to concede less than five goals! 2. Way to not break any Chelsea players legs!

Sunderland 1-0 Aston Villa

Richard Dunne scored an own goal to give the win to the Black Cats. Apparently it was his eighth career own goal, which is the most in Premier League history. I'll leave you to make your own Brett Favre analogies.

West Bromwich Albion 2-1 Fulham

It's temporary, but West Brom is in fourth place with the win, and they've been hanging around that position for most of the season. I'd thought the first manager to be bought away from a small club this year might be Ian Holloway, but maybe it'll be Roberto Di Matteo? Pure, Peter King-esque speculation there, though.

Wigan 1-1 Bolton

What is Bolton doing in the top half of the table?

West Ham United 1-2 Newcastle United

Newcastle recovered from an early Carlton Cole goal to win behind goals from Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll, and moved toward the middle of the table. West Ham continues to prop the table up, and Avram Grant continues to look like death personified.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

The top of the table plays tomorrow, so I'll look at the relegation zone efforts today. St. Mirren, in the sole relegation spot entering the day, lost 3-0 at Hearts, and are now on 5 points in 9 matches. Hamilton remain their closest rival in the table, though, losing 2-1 at home to St. Johnstone on an 86th minute winner. Hamilton have 6 points from their first 9 games.

Spanish Inquisition:

Real Madrid are certainly in form at the moment* as they destroyed Racing Santander, 6-1, behind four goals from Crissy. Barcelona had a more modest 2-0 victory via a brace for Leo Messi at ten-man Real Zaragoza to stay one point off the Madridistas' pace. Valencia lost at home to Mallorca, 2-1, to fall four points off the pace of the leaders.

*of course they are, they don't crap out of Champions League in the Round of 16 until Febraury. Zing!

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Only one game today, between 14th place Bari and bottom-dwelling Fiorentina. The Lilies, one season removed from winning their Champions League group, got two goals and survived an extra-time goal to win 2-1.

Das Boot:

None of the top six teams coming into the day played, but there were still notable names among the combatants on Saturday. Schalke were held by Eintracht Frankfurt, 0-0, but the point was enough to move them out of the automatic relegation zone in the bottom two. Werder Bremen beat Monchengladbach, 4-1, and Hannover, 7th at the start of the day, beat FC Cologne, 2-1, to temporarily climb to third.

Screw You, Wayne Rooney (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

I spent a surprisingly large amount of time writing the intro to today's Weekend Preview. The intro was centered around the notion that Wayne Rooney was leaving Manchester United. This morning, in an abrupt change of direction, Wayne Rooney signed a new 5-year contract with the club. He clearly did this just to piss me off.

Screw you, Wayne Rooney.


This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

TYPES OF PIE

5 (Apple pie)

Manchester City vs. Arsenal
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-2

Marouane Chamakh may spend his free time time saving babies from fires, for all I know. On appearance alone, though, it certainly seems like he's the Premier League's douchiest player.

4 (Blueberry pie)

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 1-2

Spurs central defender William Gallas has admitted to being quite le tired after appearing in a whopping four matches this season.

William Gallas is a piece of shit.


3 (Pecan pie)

Birmingham vs. Blackpool
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0

Sunderland vs. WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2

Stoke City vs. Manchester United
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 0-1
The Guardian piece to which we linked yesterday was supposed to be a match report of United's 1-0 victory over Bursaspor. More than half the article was dedicated to lamenting Wayne Rooney's absence and expected departure.

The money quote: "Everything felt so much more innocent back then."

Even Mitch Albom thinks that's a bit much.

Liverpool vs. Blackburn Rovers
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-1
As a Spurs supporter, I know where you’re coming from, Liverpool fans. I really do.


2 (I really should have thought this through, as I enjoy all pie.)

West Brom vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0

Wigan vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2
Notlob are quietly becoming a fun team to watch. Well, maybe not "fun", exactly. Let's go with "not boring".

West Ham vs. Newcastle
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 1-1


1 (Despair pie. That's a thing, right?)

Chelsea vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 4-0
Do you support a team other than Chelsea? If so, this one’s not gonna be particularly fun or interesting.


Ray Hudson presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Villareal vs. Atlético Madrid
Saturday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

While one could chalk Jozy's lack of playing time at Villareal up to the fact that he just hasn't been good enough, I choose to blame it on Giuseppe Rossi. It's both easier and more fun that way.


From the folks who brought you lager and world wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga match of the week!

Borussia Dortmund vs. TSG Hoffenheim
Sunday, 0930
Prediction: 2-1

When I went to check this week’s Bundesliga schedule, there was a banner ad for some sort of workout-associated pill that featured a shirtless “The Situation” flexing/squinting/holding a bottle of pills in front of an American flag backdrop. President Camacho approves.


Serie A match of the week, if you're into that sort of thing
Napoli vs. AC Milan
Monday, 1445
Prediction: 0-1

The rumor mill is suggesting Kaka (tee-hee) may return to Milan. Even if that isn't the case, IT'S STILL FUNNY BECAUSE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE A SYNONYM FOR POOP.


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Upset that they couldn't land Wayne Rooney, Manchester City are expected to instead buy Manchester United.


It's the weekend. Time to kick out the jams.
"Work"
Wale

100 Miles & Running

Funny Internet Thing
"Retired footballer" Bert Tiddle provides his take on the Wayne Rooney situation.

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"My boobs are so tight I can't breathe. Is that normal?" -Snooki

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.

Morning Roundup, 10/21/10

• Spurs go full retard at the San Siro, falling 3-0 down and being reduced to 10 men within the first 15 minutes of play. Gareth Bale manages to make the final scoreline respectable by netting a hat trick, however, and Inter Milan walk away with a 4-3 victory. [BBC Sport]
• United win 1-0 in Turkey, but ZOMG WHAT ABOUT ROONEY???????? [Guardian]
• In other action, Barcelona pick up a 2-0 win over FC Copenhagen, and Schalke top Hapoel Tel Aviv 3-1, on the back of a Raul brace. [Soccernet]
• Iron Maiden-powered Liverpool take on Napoli, and Manchester City host Lech Poznan, among about 50 other Europa League matches today. [Sky Sport]
• Roy Hodgson fears that United may try to replace the departing Wayne Rooney with Fernando Torres. [F365]
  

Morning Roundup, 10/20/10

Image credit: guardian.co.uk

Best pilot ever? Best pilot ever.

• Today's top story: Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson flies Liverpool to their Europa League tie in Italy. [UF]
• Sir Alex makes it official: Rooney wants out. [Goal.com]
  
• Oh, and there were some Champions League matches yesterday, too. In one of them, everyone's favorite Portuguese winger led Real Madrid to victory over AC Milan, 2-0. [BBC Sport]
• Arsenal continue to breeze through their group with a 5-1 rout of Waxtep. [Sky Sports]
• Chelsea beat Spartak in Moscow, 2-0. This, apparently, is some sort of vindication for Brave John Terry, who bravely missed a penalty in the Champions League final held in the Russian capital. [Guardian]
• Other results include Bayern edging CFR Cluj, 3-2, and Basle upsetting Roma 3-1 at the Stadio Olimpico. [Setanta]
  

Morning Roundup, 10/19/10 (ALL ROONEY ALL THE TIME EDITION)

Image credit: Daily Mail
Wayne did not realize that dropping a frog splash off the top turnbuckle would lead to a red card...

• Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Manchester City. [Guardian]
• Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Real Madrid. [The Sun]
  
• Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Chelsea. [Soccernet]
• Wayne Rooney is totally signing for Middlesbrough, in a player-manager capacity, as the Teessiders have parted ways with boss Gordon Strachan. [F365]

New Owners, Same Sorry Results: 10/17 in Review

Everton 2-0 Liverpool

The best thing I can say is that at least Roy left Glen Johnson and Christian Poulsen out of the side entirely. It didn't matter, though, as Tim Cahill and Mikel Arteta punished the Reds with goals either side of halftime. The Toffees jump all the way to 11th, while Liverpool falls to 19th.

Blackpool 2-3 Manchester City

The Seasiders dominated for most of the scoreless first hour, but City managed to clip a goal through Carlos Tevez (who looked to be offside), which completely set the game on fire. Marlon Harewood scored a leveller, which was then matched by a second Tevez tally less than a minute later. David Silva scored on a nice solo effort in the 90th, and although Gary Taylor-Fletcher pulled one back near the end, there was no time left to mount an attack for an equalizer.

Tomorrow sees the final fixture of the weekend for the EPL: Sunderland at Blackburn, with the winner moving up to 7th.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

As predicted yesterday, Celtic defeated Dundee United to rejoin Rangers at the top of the table with a perfect record from eight matches. That all will come to an end next Sunday, as the first edition of this season's Old Firm derby commences at Celtic Park.

Spanish Inquisition:

Sevilla, with a chance to move into 5th if they won, lost 2-0 at Sporting de Gijon. Tomorrow, the week in La Liga will finish up with Villareal taking their Yellow Submarine to Hercules.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Inter Milan won 1-0 at Cagliari early to go level on points with intercity rivals AC Milan atop the table. In the late game, Lazio won 2-0 at Bari to reclaim the top spot from the duo of Milan clubs.

Das Boot:

Eintracht Frankfurt smashed Kaiserslautern with a 3-0 victory, which propelled them from 12th up to 7th. Hoffenheim defeated nine-man Monchengladbach, 3-2, to take over 4th place.

Midweek Action:

Something called "Champions League". It sounds vaguely familiar, but if Liverpool's not involved, it's obviously not the most prestigious of competitions. Europa League, that is where it's at!

/Taste the sad, Michael

Notable matches-
Tuesday: AC Milan @ Real Madrid, Shaktar Donetsk @ Arsenal
Wednesday: Tottenham @ Internazionale, Benfica @ Lyon
Thursday: Dymano Kyiv @ AZ Alkmaar, CSKA Moscow @ Palermo, Getafe @ Stuttgart, Paris Saint-Germain @ Borussia Dortmund, Liverpool @ Napoli, Porto @ Besiktas

Premiership Goalfest! 10/16 In Review

Arsenal 2-1 Birmingham City

The Gunners go into second place for a day, coming from a goal down to win on a questionable penalty and a quick goal after the restart by Marouane Chamakh. They will need to weather a certain suspension for Jack Wilshere, though, as he saw red toward the end of the match for the kind of tackle Arsene Wenger usually bemoans with incomparable zeal.

Bolton 2-1 Stoke City

Ivan Klasnic managed to get both the Wanderers' winner in second half extra time, then followed that up with two yellow cards inside a minute to get tossed. The win moved Notlob up to 7th place.

Fulham 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur

Tom Huddlestone's winner, which completed a fightback from a goal down (though Spurs were only behind less than a minute prior to Pavlyuchenko's equalizer), came with a bit of controversy over the "passive offside" rule. Nevertheless, the three points keeps Spurs in fifth.

Manchester United 2-2 West Bromwich Albion

Liverpool's had such a horrid start that my only joy this season has been Red Devil schadenfraude. Luckily, Man U has provided enjoyment in spades, this time blowing a 2-0 halftime lead thanks to a Patrice Evra own goal and a flub by Edwin van der Sar that made Robert Green's World Cup efforts look heroic. The promoted Baggies remain in a surprising 6th position.

Newcastle United 2-2 Wigan

Bitten twice inside of a minute by cast-off Charles N'Zogbia, Newcastle fought back in the second half to earn a point in stoppage time through Fabricio Coloccini. The point apiece moved Wigan to 12th and the Toon to 13th.

Wolverhampton 1-1 West Ham United

A point each is not what either of the two bottom-table dwellers needed. Thanks for not pushing Liverpool further down ahead of tomorrow's derby, though!

Aston Villa 0-0 Chelsea

The only game to go goalless in England certainly had its share of chances hit posts or crossbars, and the result is deserving for both sides. Chelsea's league lead stands at 5 points ahead of Manchester City's trip to Blackpool tomorrow.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Rangers, behind 1-0 at halftime, stormed Motherwell after the break for a 4-1 victory to maintain their 100% record and take over first place. That is, until Celtic wins tomorrow. All other teams are already impossibly far gone. Yawn.

Spanish Inquisition:

The biggest match of the weekend saw league leaders Valencia visit two-time defending champion Barcelona, with a goal from Pablo Hernandez giving Los Che the 1-0 halftime lead. However, Barca stormed back with goals from World Cup hero Andres Iniesta and Carles Puyol to get the 2-1 victory that drew them level on points and goal difference with Valencia. Real Madrid lead the late game 2-0 at halftime, and a win there will launch the new Galacticos a point above both into first.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the early game, AC Milan rode a brace from Pato past Chievo Verona for a 3-1 victory which sent the Rossoneri into first place, a point ahead of Lazio. In the late game, Roma beat Genoa at home to find their way back to the middle of the table in Serie A.

Das Boot:

The 7-for-7 run for pre-break table-topping Mainz came to an end at home to Hamburg, 1-0, which kept Borusssia Dortmund in first following their victory Friday over FC Cologne. Bayern Munich got a 3-0 win at home thanks to a Mario Gomez hat trick (I shit you not, Mario Gomez scored goals! Three of them! In one game!!). Schalke and Stuttgart, both sitting in the bottom two places in Bundesliga, played to a 2-2 draw.

Morning Roundup, 10/15/10

Image Credit: Tim Hales/AP

Maybe don't yank so hard, next time... HEY-O! I'll be here all night. Don't forget to tip your servers.

• Hicks and Gillett have dropped their restraining order, thus paving the way for Liverpool to be sold. It has yet to be resolved who, exactly, will be buying the club, however. It seemed that John Henry's NESV had it wrapped up, but then... MY GAWD, THAT'S MILL FINANCIAL'S MUSIC! [BBC Sport]
• Hey, on the bright(?) side, the Reds have re-signed Jamie Carragher through the 2012-2013 season. No word on if the deal included a Scouse-English translator for the defender. [F365]
  
• Shocking headline of the day: "United rule out Hargreaves" [Sky Sports]
• In defending Nigel De Jong's tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa (which broke the Newcastle player's leg in two places), Roberto Mancini states "It was a normal tackle," but forgets to tack on the qualifier "for Nigel De Jong". [Guardian]

The weekend preview will return next Friday.

Morning Roundup, 10/14/10

Photo credit: liverpoolfc.tv

LOUD NOISES!

• Just as it appeared that Liverpool were to be taken over by John Henry's NESV, current owners the Royal Bank of Scotland Tom Hicks and George Gillett slapped a temporary restraining order on the sale via a Texas court. Hicks and Gillett are also seeking over one billion pounds in damages, because running the club into the ground wasn't quite enough. [BBC Sport]
• Are you also having a difficult time figuring out what, exactly, is going on with Liverpool? Here's a timeline to get you up to speed. [F365]
• Things haven't been going too well at United for Wayne Rooney as of late. It's obviously time to start the "Rooney to Madrid" rumors. [Pies]
• Abby Wambach is very serious about your health and does not approve of your stadium concession choices. [Dirty Tackle]
  

USA 0-0 Colombia: What Did We Learn?

Allow me a little poetic license, here...

"At no point in your rambling, incoherent display were you even close to anything that could be considered entertaining soccer. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Well, that happened. A few bullet points, because I am a lazy writer.

• The 4-3-3 formation Bradley the Elder employed during the first half was abhorrent. Brek Shea and (former competitive Counterstrike player!) Stu Holden repeatedly drifted inside, while it was apparent that Mo Edu (who may or may not have actually played), Bradley the Younger, and Jermaine (don't call him "Germany") Jones (to a lesser degree) were most comfortable playing center midfield. Thus the middle of the pitch was clogged up most of the time, and the US didn't have a shot on goal until the second half.
  
  
In pick-up games, my friends and I often deploy the "bunch up" offense as a joke. Even then, IT NEVER WORKS. We are very bad at soccer.


• I like Jozy. I'm sure you, too, like Jozy. But he has been crap lately, and the US needs another option up front. Badly. And here is where I curse Giuseppe Rossi.
  
  
Yes, I did know that Jermaine Jones is from Germany. Why do you ask?

• We had a Michael Parkhust sighting! And I thought he had spontaneously combusted, or entered the witness protection program, or something. The Mathemagician can once again wear his Parkhurst Revs jersey with pride.

• According to the play-by-play guy, Clint Dempsey's nickname is "The Texas Tornado". I am certain that he has never been called that before.

• Eric Lichaj put in a solid debut performance, and his play was one of the few positives from this crapfest. Fellow debutant Brek Shea surely has seen better days.

• Continuing with the "I am a lazy writer" motif, I'll sum things up with a .gif: