Warming Sensations (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

No time for foreplay this week. Let’s bust out the K-Y and get down to business.

This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…

SUPERBOWL PARTY SNACK FOODS

5 (Buffalo Wings)

Manchester United v Everton: Saturday, 1230
Remember earlier this season, when everyone was all like OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAN YOO THEY ARE NOT GOOD THIS SEASON.

Yeah, about that…
Prediction: 2-0

4 (Tortilla Chips & Salsa)

Liverpool v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100
These teams have played each other something like every other match for the past five years. And like 90 percent of those games have been boring as all hell. I’m still forced putting this here on the off chance that it is entertaining.

Plus, it’ll be exciting to see what Rafa chooses to whine about this time. My guess is it’ll be that the lunch before the game was not sufficiently satisfying.
Prediction: 1-1

Arsenal v West Ham: Saturday, 1000
Ah, yais... Zees is real football… Not like zat stupeed JJB.

/drinks real champagne

/finds something else to complain about
Prediction: 3-2

3 (Anything Cheese-Related)

Stoke v Man City: Saturday, 0745
Robinho’ s gonna attack the competition like they’re an attractive member of the opposite sex.

Too soon?
Prediction: 1-1

Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Sssssh… Don’t tell anyone, but Villa are only 3 points out of first place.
Prediction: 3-1

Bolton v Tottenham: Saturday, 1000
Redknapp’ll probably play Gareth Bale in this one. We all know what that means.
Prediction: 2-0

Newcastle v Sunderland: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-2

2 (Crudité)

Hull City v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
In this forced analogy, Hull is a generic female character in a Hallloween movie, while the rest of the relegation candidates are Michael Myers. Hull may have though they were free and clear, but then BAM, Sunderland stabs them in the neck with a butcher’s knife.
Prediction: 1-1

Fulham v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000
Why did you let go of Jimmy Bullard, Roy Hodgson!? Why!? You’ll be missing so much! The skill, the free kicks, the flowing hair, the frequent injuries…

Oh, maybe that’s why.
Prediction: 1-0

1 (Nothing)

Middlesbrough v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000
At this point, I should just replace this category with “Match Involving Boro”. Sorry, Teesiders.
Prediction: 1-1


Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

Genoa v Palermo: Sunday, 0900
I had no idea Salami was this good at soccer. BA-ZING!

I’ll be here all night. Don’t forget to tip your servers, people.
Prediction: 1-0


La Liga Match of the Week

Deportivo la Coruña v Villarreal: Sunday, 1100
Yeah, I know Deportivo aren’t fun to watch. But the Yellow Submarine is. Plus, maybe Jozy Altidore will do something. Like headbutt Giuseppi Rossi.
Prediction: 1-1

And for your Bundesliga enjoyment….

Hamburg v Bayern Munich: Friday, 1430
Mmmmmm… Hamburg…
Prediction: 2-2


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Neither Charles N’Zogbia or Shay Given will be allowed to leave Newcastle United this transfer window.

Alive…


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo

“Bat Country”
Avenged Sevenfold
City of Evil

Apparently, these guys used to be an emo band. Luckily, they made up for that by metal-ing out and TOTALLY ROCKING THE SHIT

Funny Internet Thing





Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

"Theirs goes, 'Ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.' Ours goes, 'Ding ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.'"

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays. 

Morning Roundup, 01/30/09

I love you too, Kev.

• Kevin Nolan  transfers from Bolton to Newcastle for a reported 4.5 million pounds. He is eyed as a replacement for the injured Joey Barton. Nolan will need to put in hours of practice assaulting people to fill those shoes. [BBC Sport]
• Man City fail in 18.5 million pound bid for Roque Santa Cruz and his 3 league goals.  [Guardian]
• Giles Barnes may be loaned to a Premier League outfit. His goal is to top Gareth Bale's "Consecutive games without a win" streak. [Sky Sports]
• Former Spurs Director of Football Damien Comolli blames Tottenham's poor season on Dimitar Berbatov, conveniently forgets the players actually on the squad have played like crap. [F365]
• Fun fact: many soccer-associated Russians are also living a double life as Law and Order villains. [Unprofessional Foul]

Morning Roundup, 01/29/09

• Liverpool draw with Wigan. Rafa, unable to miss an opportunity to complain, immediately calls the Waaah-mbulance. [BBC Sport]
• Gary Megson strikes out at Bolton fans. This surely will end well. [Guardian]
• Joey Barton to miss 8 weeks. And not because of prison! [Sky Sports]
• San Jose and LA Galaxy are in the running for Bobby Convey. [SBI]
• Ever wanted to know which cars Premiership stars drive (shocker: they are expensive)? Check here. [Daily Mail]

Morning Roundup, 01/28/09

• Robinho taken in by police over rape allegation. The bigger question, though, is will he miss practice? [The Times]
• In other shocking news, Beckham may stay with AC Milan. [Soccernet]
• United thrash West Brom, set consecutive clean sheets record, go 3 points clear at top of table. Pfft. They still lost to Derby this season. [Guardian]
• Quakes now sponsored by possible cult Amway Global. [Goal.com]

Morning Roundup, 01/27/09

• Spurs sign Pascal Chimbonda less than six months after selling the fullback to Sunderland. The team could also make a move for an out-of-favor Robbie Keane. Maybe they'll re-hire Martin Jol, as well. [BBC Sport, The Guardian]
• West Ham break their transfer record for some dude named Savio. [Sky Sports]
• And Arsenal's alliterative Arshavin approach a-continues. [F365]
• Landypants simply cannot be stopped (in friendlies). [Goal.com]

He chose... poorly... (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

As we are, you know, from America, most soccer fans in the US are not born into supporting a particular Premier League team. This means that, at some point, we are forced to arbitrarily choose a club using some sort of ridiculous logic and possibly flow charts/Venn diagrams.

Many decide to follow Man Utd, Chelsea (post-2004), or Arsenal because of something along the lines of “They win all the time.” These people are douchebags. Almost everyone else seems to support Liverpool, for whatever reason.

And then there are the dumbasses.

Like me.

As you may be aware, I support Spurs. I’m not completely sure how this came to be, but I think it may have had something to do with Robbie Keane being thirty-six different kinds of awesome at the 2002 World Cup. In retrospect, this was a bad decision.

Remember in The Last Crusade (yes, that’s back-to-back weeks with Indiana Jones references), when they’re in that chamber with all the cups, trying to pick which one is the Holy Grail, and that dude chooses the shiny one, drinks from it, and subsequently turns to dust? I am that guy. And every time I read something like “Tottenham blow three goal lead to Championship squad” or “Spurs buy Pavlyuchenko for 15 million pounds” or “Tottenham only manage 2 points from 8 games”, the knight guarding the Grail in that film pops into my head and says “He chose… poorly…”

It’s too late for me, but if you still haven’t picked a club to support, don’t follow my example. Choose a “big four” club.

Because it’s better to have some random guy on the internet call you (and I mean the collective “you”, here) a douchebag than to turn to dust week in and week out.

And that knight can be pretty smug.


Okay, there are no Premiership matches this weekend, so no ratings.

Check out USA versus Sweden Saturday at 2030. Sure, the A-teams may not take to the field, but you gotta support your country, right?

Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Juventus v Fiorentina: Saturday, 1430
It’s the Serie A Match Fixing Bowl, 2009! Cheat to win, baby!
Prediction: 2-1


La Liga Match of the Week
Malaga v Atletico Madrid: Sunday, 1100
Malaga are on a decent run as of late with 5 wins and 16 points in their last 7 games. I, for one, did not know Malaga C.F. existed before looking up this week’s schedule. Look for that to motivate them this week. Or maybe they’ll just be pissed that Atletico hammered them last time out, 4-0. Definitely one of those two things, though.
Prediction: 1-2


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Real Madrid presidential contender Florentino Perez has followed in the steps of his predecessor by claiming the club has signed Cristiano Ronaldo. He also claims to have agreed to a contract with chubby Brazilian and former galactico (the original) Ronaldo. He is quoted as saying “Two times the Ronaldo equals two times the laffs!”


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Dani California”
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stadium Arcadium



I must say, I initially got sick of this tune mighty quick, as my local radio station played it, like, every ten minutes. Now, with the help of Rock Band and the fact that I don’t listen to the radio much anymore, I have grown a renewed appreciation for “Dani California”. In particular, the guitar solo near the end is pretty bitchin’.

Funny Internet Thing


People, the Snuggie is just a backwards bathrobe. Just buy a fucking bathrobe.

Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

“GO NINJA GO NINJA GO.”

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays.

Lovely French Whine

Scene: The Emirates

Why? Why ees evereetheeng so unfair? Zat Scuttish douchebag gets all zee breaks! Zis schedule ees a travesty! Eef only we could do eet my way, then theengs woold be fair. Just eemageene, a world where my beauteefool football club gets a fair shake!

/drinks REAL champagne

A world where attempteeng to tackle Cesc ees puneeshable weeth jail time!

/readjusts beret

A world where zee JJB Stadeeum is blown to beets!

/mocks Americans

A world where points are scored for making zee extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra pass! Even eef you don't feeneesh!!

/raises armpits to expose all of London to powerful B.O.

One day, zee FA will realize the absurdity of zeir scheduleeng, and on zat day, zee Gunners shall rise again!

/Looks up again, longingly, at Aston Villa

Morning Roundup, 01/23/09

• Gerrard to plead not guilty for his assault charge. He also claims to never dive. [BBC]
• Villa buy Heskey for 4 million pounds, Hull purchase Bullard for 5 million. Spurs to respond by purchasing a half dozen attacking midfielders for 15 million pounds apiece. [Guardian, Sky]
• "One of the Middle East's richest families" allegedly launching a Liverpool takeover. Surely, they will also attempt to buy Kaka for a zillion pounds. [The Times]
• Construction begins on new stadium for the Kansas City Wizards. So now the three or four Wizards fans will have somewhere new to watch their team. [SBI]

Morning Roundup, 01/22/09

• Spurs blow a 3 goal lead to Burnley before stumbling into the Carling Cup final with two late, late goals. Looks like Tottenham is going to face some stiff competition in the Championship next season. [BBC Sport]
• Harry Redknapp: "It can't get any worse..." Yes, Harry, it can. [F365]
• City also failed in attempts to sign Thierry Henry, Gianluigi Buffon, and David Villa for, I believe,  a gazillion pounds. [Guardian]
• Maurice Edu asserts American soccer has asked too much of Freddy Adu. You mean it was wrong to assume he was Pele, Maradona, and Cruyff all rolled into one? [Tribal Football]

Man U Deals With The Inevitable

As noted at BBC and elsewhere, AIG is ending their sponsorship of Manchester United Football Club. Luckily, the club has "already started talking to a select group of potential sponsors. So who will it be that gets to see its logo in images of Wayne Rooney stomping people or Paul Scholes being an inspiration to Gingers everywhere? My vote is for the Scheinhardt Wig Company, but feel free to comment with your own guesses.

Morning Roundup, 01/21/09

• Spurs allegedly interested in Marco Materazzi, known in the US primarily as the man on the receiving end of Zidane's infamous headbutt. Fun fact: Materazzi has played in the Prem before, for Everton, and he was a flop. So well done then, Spurs. [F365]
• Sticking with Tottenham, the club has reached an agreement with Wigan for the transfer of Wilson Palacios. Big four, here we come! [Guardian]
• Jermaine Pennant joins Pompey on loan. Some say he was a target for AC Milan and Real Madrid. Absent from that "some" are AC Milan and Real Madrid. [Soccernet]
• Man Utd squeak past Derby, 4-3 on aggregate. The team loses Anderson, Rafael, and Jonny Evans to injury, however. [BBC Sport]

Morning Roundup, 01/20/09 (ALL CITY ALL THE TIME)

• Robinho walks out on training session. Responds with "We're not talking about the game. We're talking about PRACTICE."  [BBC Sport]
• Kaka deal falls through. And here I thought the extra 8 million pounds would have made the difference. [Guardian]
• Hamburg accept City's offer for Nigel De Jong. [Sky Sports]
• And City have signed Craig Bellamy, which helps anyone on the squad who wants to be hit with a golf club. [F365]

Weekend In Review: 1/19

Weekend In Review:

Blackburn Rovers 3-0 Newcastle United
Blackburn own the second half with three goals, assisted by the red card to Nicky Butt Rock, who then retired to the locker room to listen to Hinder.

Bolton Wanderers 0-1 Manchester United
Berbatov, 90th minute. Fuck Bulgaria. That is all.

Chelsea 2-1 Stoke City
I was going to make a joke about how Chelsea saved their season by winning at Southend United midweek, because the Blues were behind into the 88th minute. Then Belletti and Lampard happened, and I was not laughing anymore.

Manchester City 1-0 Wigan
City gets a goal early in the second half, then Richard Dunne sees red for kicking at Amr Zaki when they were both on the ground, but City manages to hold on. Surely City can find easier ways to win once they have spent the GDP of England on January transfers.

Sunderland 1-2 Aston Villa
The Villans maintain their grip on a Champions League berth thanks to Gary Barry at the penalty spot. After typing that, I understand much better why he goes by Gareth.

West Bromwich Albion 3-0 Middlesbrough
The bottom-feeding Baggies beat Boro badly, and the relegation fight somehow becomes more entangled than ever.

Hull City 1-3 Arsenal
When Daniel Cousin tied this one up in the second half, I was all prepared to write about how Arsene should have known about and been wary of “Dangerous Cousins”. Then the Gunners went and ruined the joke. Not that I didn’t just post it anyways.

West Ham United 3-1 Fulham
The Hammers take down Team USA in the all-London battle.

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Portsmouth
Ledley King and Roman Pavlyuchenko both leave due to injury, but Spurs have escaped rock bottom of the league thanks to Jermaine Defoe. Furthermore, according to BBC, Gareth Bale has now equalled a record for most appearances without a Premier League win, at 21. So that means he’s due for a win next time out, right?

Liverpool 1-1 Everton
Rafa finally decides to play Robbie Keane and Fernando Torres together, but to no effect, though, as Liverpool didn't break through until Keano was lifted from the match. Stevey G put the Reds ahead for a time, but in the end Tim Cahill spoils the derby for the Reds in the 87th minute. Another interesting stat from BBC: Everton have been awarded precisely one penalty in the last 71 years at Anfield.

Top of the table:

Man U 47 Pts +24
Liverpool 47 Pts +22
Chelsea 45 Pts +29
Aston Villa 44 Pts +13
Arsenal 41 Pts +13

Man U’s late, late victory on Saturday sent them to the top, and Chelsea’s miraculous finish kept them squarely in the race for the title.

Relegation Musical Chairs:


Fulham 26 Pts +2
Man City 25 Pts +9
Portsmouth 24 Pts -12
Bolton 23 Pts -8
Sunderland 23 Pts -9
Newcastle 23 Pts -9
Tottenham 21 Pts -6
Blackburn 21 Pts -11
Middlesbrough 21 Pts -15
Stoke City 21 Pts -16
West Brom 21 Pts -17

Fulham joins the race, despite being 10th in the league, because they’re still only 5 points clear of the bottom. Making things crazier this week than last is that there are now five teams tied on points at the bottom, with Tottenham and Blackburn currently with their heads above water and Middlesbrough, Stoke and West Brom drowning.

For The Record:

Your current promotees to the 2009-10 Prem would be Wolverhampton Wanderers and Reading, with the ensuing playoff between Birmingham City, Sheffield United, Preston North End and Cardiff City.

Elsewhere:

Barcelona continues to make a habit of 5-0 wins, and they remain 12 points clear of second place Real Madrid. Consolation spots in the Champions League also belong to Sevilla and Valencia. Villareal and Atletico Madrid hold down the UEFA Europa League spots.

In Italy, Inter stays top despite suffering only their second loss of the league campaign. Juventus could only make up one point on Sunday, and are now behind by 3 points. Also, as it stands, AC Milan would return to Champions League, and Genoa have jumped Napoli for Italy’s final spot. Napoli and Fiorentina would see the lower European tier.

No Rest For The Weary:

In England, it’s the second leg of the Carling Cup semi-finals, and while Tottenham look highly likely to reach the final for the second consecutive year, the real drama will be at Old Trafford on Tuesday, with Manchester United looking to overturn a 1-0 defeat to, of all teams, Derby County, last year’s worst Premier League side, and the worst Premier League side ever. There are also some quarterfinals in Copa Del Rey and Coppa Italia.

Weekend In Review appears on Sunday or Monday.

Ted DiBiase Would Approve (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

If, for some reason, you weren’t aware, Man City are offering AC Milan 100 million pounds for Kaka (tee-hee). Some might say that this is a ridiculous deal. Others may also say this is a ridiculous deal.

For instance, the hundred million pounds could garner a starting 11 of Brad Friedel (2.5 m), Glen Johnson (4 m), Gianluca Zambrotta (7.6 m), Eric Abidal (13.4 m), Gabriel Heinze (9 m), Shaun Wright-Phillips (already on squad), Wesley Sneijder (24.1 m), Christian Poulsen (8.7 m), Rafael Van der Vaart (11.6 m), Ronaldinho (16.5 m), and Robinho (already on squad), plus another 2.6 million pounds to buy a backup. You’d be fooling yourself if you didn’t think this team, along with other existing City players like Micah Richards and Stephen Ireland, could win the Prem (and possibly the Champions League). You’d at least sell a ton of jerseys.

But what else could Man City’s owners buy for 100 million pounds (roughly $149 million)?

• A completely impenetrable zombie-proof lair with enough provisions and weapons to survive the impending zombie apocalypse
• The assassination of 100 of your enemies by Francisco Scaramanga
• Probably every MLS player
• 50,000 trips to one of Eliot Spitzer’s prostitutes
• 2,500,000 trips to a considerably cheaper and nastier prostitute
• 4 F-18 hornets, jet fuel, a landing strip, control tower, beach volleyball court and enough homoerotic tension to personally recreate pretty much every scene in Top Gun
• Roughly 50 million liters of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which would cover an average soccer field with 7 3/4 meters (about 25.5 feet) of beer
• AC/DC birthday concerts for the rest of your/their live/s
• A whole lot of chips and salsa
• Kiribati

So there you go. Man City’s owners could have flooded Old Trafford with PBR (“Theater of Dreams indeed… Ba-zing!) and not allowed any United fans to drink from their own pitch, but instead they’re going to buy Kaka (tee-hee). Get your priorities straight, guys.


This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…

INDIANA JONES MOVIES

5 (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

Liverpool v Everton: Monday, 1500
For some reason, the Merseyside derby doesn’t seem to be a big event among Prem watchers in the states. Most Liverpool fans tend to reserve their bile for Man United and the other big four teams, and most Everton fans do not exist (at least in the US).
Prediction: 2-1

4 (The Last Crusade)

Tottenham v Portsmouth: Sunday, 1100
David James has instructed Pompey fans to give their former manager and striker as much hell as possible. Clearly, only good can come of this.

If nothing else, this match should be interesting due to the two sides’ sheer desperation. Plus, bonus racist/homophobic chanting! Yay!
Prediction: 1-1

Man City v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
This could be one of those games where City play well. Or not.

SEE I AM NOW THE PETER KING OF SOCCER.
Prediction: 2-2

3 (The Temple of Doom)

Bolton v Manchester United: Saturday, 1000
Has anyone ever looked less excited to be a professional athlete than Dimitar Berbatov? Cheer up, dude, you get to go to Bolton this week.
Prediction: 0-2

Chelsea v Stoke: Saturday, 1000
Brave John Terry looks to bravely put in another brave performance against inferior opposition. Avenge Big Phil!
Prediction: 1-0

Hull v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Sunderland v Aston Villa: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2

2 (Not Seeing an Indiana Jones Movie)

Blackburn v Newcastle: Saturday, 1000
If you want to go by championships alone, Blackburn are the 4th most successful team in Premiership history. Let that one sink in while you watch this one.
Prediction: 1-1

West Ham v Fulham: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 1-1

1 (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

West Brom v Middlesbrough: Saturday, 1000
Looks like it’s two consecutive weeks at the bottom of the viewing tree here for Middlesbrough. This is what happens when Gary O’Neil is one of your best players.
Prediction: 0-1

Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

Lazio v Juventus: Sunday, 1430
Will the Old Lady attack be able to cope with Lazio’s vicious defense of fascist salutes? Yes. Yes they will.
Prediction: 0-1

La Liga Match of the Week

Barcelona v Deportivo la Coruña: Saturday, 1400
Barcelona are dangerously good. I fear for Ray Hudson’s health. He may spontaneously combust on the air during this game.
Prediction: 3-1

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Man City have tried to improve their chances at a title by placing a 300 million pound bid for Manchester United.

Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Fire Woman”
The Cult
Sonic Temple




FIRE WOMAN
YOU’RE TO BLAME
FIRE WOMAN YOU’RE TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME

Quick, everybody check your socks. They may have been rocked the fuck off.

I wonder if lead singer Ian Astbury writes his lyrics in all-caps. I bet he does.


Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

“Wack-head tried to play baseball with my homeboy’s bike.”

He sure did, Vanilla.
He sure did.



The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays.

Morning Roundup, 01/16/09

• Rooney to miss 3 weeks due to hamstring injury. Let this be a lesson to the children out there: You're liable to hurt yourself if you stomp on people all the time. [Yahoo!]
• Ramon Calderon allegedly resigns from his presidency of Real Madrid. Now who will be the person to wrongly claim the club has signed Ronaldo? [Guardian]
• Rafa rejects new Liverpool contract. Complains about something. [Sky Sports]
• Nick Harris tracks the progression of the world's most expensive players from 1982 to present. Interesting stuff, unless you happen to be a Real Betis fan (odds are you are not). [The Independent] 
• Spurs to drop 14 million pounds on Wilson Palacios because hey, why not. [BBC Sport]
• Get your Zakuani jerseys while they're hot. Generation Adidas forward selected first in MLS SuperDraft (way better than a regular draft). [MLS] 

Morning Roundup, 01/15/09

Probably listening to Hall & Oates.

• I have no idea what the hell is going on with the whole Kaka (tee-hee) transfer deal. According to Mark Hughes, it could still happen. [Sky Sports]
• Brave Chelsea show lots of bravery in bravely knocking off League One juggernaut Southend. You are no longer allowed to criticize Big Phil. [Sporting Life]
• It's MLS SuperDraft (way better than a regular draft) time! Plan your parties accordingly. At least one player will not be headed to Denmark, as UConn star and notable lastie-lastie O'Brian White agrees to an MLS deal. [Goal.com]
• Speaking of Denmark, Daniel Agger is expected to move to AC Milan soon. ESPN was nice enough to report the fee in Kroner in case you also happen to be Danish. [Soccernet]
• Spurs fail in 15 million pound (But that's Darren Bent-type money!) attempt for Kenwyne Jones and 10 million pound offer for Wilson Palacios. Spurs' potential relegation makes for a sad Big Bear. [BBC Sport, Guardian]

I hate Khano Smith

Even if he's no longer on the Revolution. Good riddance to you, you worthless piece of trash. I'm Khano and I like to use stepovers at stupid times and always cut to the inside and lose the freakin' ball and do the same thing every goddamn time to the point that people don't even need to move to defend you and I take dives constantly if anyone comes near me when I have the ball and the only thing I have going is the fact that I'm faster than anyone else on the field but that doesn't matter because I have absolute zero ball control. BAH!!!

Morning Roundup, 01/14/09

• AC Milan and Manchester City allegedly in talks over a potential 100 MILLION POUND Kaka (tee-hee) deal. City would pay the midfielder 500,000 pounds PER WEEK. TO KICK A BALL. I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED MY CAPS LOCK KEY. [BBC Sport]
• Or not. Kaka (tee-hee) wants to stay at Milan. But he'll miss out on all the fun of a relegation battle! [F365]
• City also willing to drop another 100 million for Gianluigi Buffon. Using the keeper exchange rate, that sum is equal to roughly 21 Heurelho Gomeses. [Goal.com]
• Spurs to continue their biannual squad makeover. The team has been linked with Adriano and Roman Bednar. I don't see why this is necessary, what with Roman Pavlyuchenko being so super-awesome... [The Sun, Sky Sports]

Presenting: Nicolas Anelka, Optimist

While most of England is continuing their near weekly tradition of Apocalypse-like panic when any of the Big Four loses (this week's victim being Chelsea), Nicolas Anelka has a much more positive view of things. Buried toward the end of a commonplace, "We're gonna play better" filler article, is this quote from the French striker:

"The fans have been frustrated by our recent results, which is logical,'' he said. "As far as the players are concerned, we have not been happy with some of our games. The positive point is that we are still on course for the treble.''

Emphasis on the crazy is all mine. Seriously, let's see how that Treble Quest is going...

Champions League: They've been off ever since before they started shitting the bed, and when they do get back to it in late February, all they have to do is coast past Juventus. You know, they're only in second place in Italy, so no big deal. I'm sure it's not too much to assume Chelsea will get past them and anyone else in Europe. I mean, they have a really long history of success in Champions League and all...

Premier League: The Blues are about to drop to third in the League when Man U pimp slaps Wigan with their Game-In-Hand this week, and lately have been unable to take advantage of Liverpool missteps like drawing with Stoke. Unless they stop shitting the bed soon, they'd better settle into that third place spot, and keep a close eye on Aston Villa behind them.

FA Cup: They're up for a replay with Southend United of League One, on the road, because they couldn't get a win against the Shrimpers at Stamford Bridge. And this may currently stand as their best chance at a trophy.

As I said before, I'm not one to jump aboard the Panic Train as quickly as British media are, but I'm also sure as hell not taking Chelsea to bring home three trophies, either.

Morning Roundup, 01/13/09

• Landypants scores in his second game with Bayern.  He is determined to follow the words of his idol, Jesse Frederick, and "Make it better... The second time around..." (in Germany). [Yahoo!]
• Allow me to channel Walter Sobchak: BIG PHIL, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT. [Unprofessional Foul]
• Ronaldo wins FIFA Player of the Year award. Thanks Sir Alex. [BBC Sport]
• He is so grateful to his manager and club, in fact, that he (allegedly) agrees to a deal with Real Madrid. [F365]

Morning Roundup, 01/12/09

• AC Milan draw with Roma, fail to gain ground on rivaBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAM [Yahoo!]
• The siren song of Denmark claims yet another American: Top college prospect Marcus Tracy to sign for Aalborg. Maybe he's a big Hans Christien Andersen fan. [Goal.com]
• In what is probably today's most shocking news, Arsene Wenger complains about other teams' tactics. [BBC Sport]
• Kevin Davies counters by accusing Arsenal of cheating. This spat can only be resolved in the THUNDERDOME. [Guardian]
• Bolton end their interest in Joey Barton. Police, however, do not. [Sky Sports]

Weekend In Review Quick Hits: 1/11

Weekend In Review:












Aston Villa 2-1 West Bromwich Albion
Did anyone think WBA was going to take points from this match? Also, The Baggies has to be the least dangerous sounding team nickname ever.

Everton 2-0 Hull City
Phil Brown had the Tigers off to a hot start, but that has since frozen over. Speaking of...

Fulham vs. Blackburn- POSTPONED
Portsmouth vs. Manchester City- POSTPONED
Frozen fields are pretty common in League Two, but it’s not often the the Prem gets hit with postponements due to pitch issues. I didn’t look into it much, but what I find most confusing about these two locations specifically is 1) Craven Cottage was frozen, but the Emirates, IN THE SAME CITY, was not, and B) Fratton Park, in Portsmouth, is THE SOUTHERNMOST LOCATION IN THE LEAGUE, so, ummm....WTF?

Middlesbrough 1-1 Sunderland

Newcastle United 2-2 West Ham United
This game was a reminder that two teams that are playing like shit can still entertain.

Arsenal 1-0 Bolton Wanderers
And Arsene the Arse still complained after the win that teams try to defend his beautiful, precious team. He really needs to just get a nice bottle of French wine and chill the fuck out.

Stoke City 0-0 Liverpool
180 minutes against Stoke this year, 0 goals for the Reds. That does not a champion make.

Wigan Athletic 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur
A late winner sinks Spurs. How the shit is Wigan in seventh?

Manchester United 3-0 Chelsea
Congrats to Luis Felipe Scolari for feeding the ravenous, insatiable beast that is Jose Mourinho’s ego, by slowly tanking the Blues’ title hopes.

Top of the table:

Liverpool 46 Pts +22
Chelsea 42 Pts +28
Man U 41 Pts +22
Aston Villa 41 Pts +12
Arsenal 38 Pts +11

Of course, while it appears that ‘Pool have opened their lead at the top to four, Man U’s Danza Slapping of Chelsea puts them within five of the leaders, with one of their two Games In Hand upcoming midweek against Wigan. Also of note, Gareth Barry may finally fulfill his desire to play in the Champions League next year, and without even having to move. I, for one, look forward to the possibility of laughing along as Arsenal dominate in the UEFA Europa League next season.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Newcastle 23 Pts -6
Bolton 23 Pts -7
Sunderland 23 Pts -8
Portsmouth 23 Pts -12
Man City 22 Pts +8
Middlesbrough 21 Pts -12
Stoke City 21 Pts -15
Tottenham 20 Pts -6
Blackburn 18 Pts -14
West Brom 18 Pts -20

Five points. That’s it. That’s all there is between 11th and 20th. So while Tottenham is the newest team to grace the Bottom 3 (replacing Stoke), this list is probably going to shift about 5,374 times between now and May. There’s going to be plenty of solid drama in who wins the Prem this year, but no one is getting relegated in March (a la Derby County) this year, so the Demotion Race this year could be EPIC.

For The Record:

Your current promotees to the 2009-10 Prem would be Wolverhampton Wanderers and Reading, with the ensuing playoff between Birmingham City, Sheffield United, Cardiff City, and Preston North End.

Elsewhere:

All you need to know in Spain is Barcelona is going to cruise to the title, as they are now 12 points clear of second place Real Madrid. Consolation spots in the Champions League also belong to Sevilla and Valencia. Atletico Madrid and Villareal occupy the UEFA Europa League spots.

In Italy, Inter and Juventus are the lead horses, with Mourinho’s boys 4 points clear at the moment. Also, as it stands, AC Milan would return to Champions League, and Napoli have jumped Fiorentina for Italy’s final spot. Fiorentina and Genoa would see the lower European tier.

No Rest For The Weary: Midweek Action

A few top tier teams in England are facing midweek replays in the FA Cup. **cough CHELSEA cough cough** Meanwhile, Manchester United hosts Wigan, looking for a win to move into second place. Copa Del Rey and Coppa Italia also highlight midweek soccer.

Weekend In Review appears on Sunday or Monday.

Morning Roundup, 01/10/09

• Wunderkind Jozy Altidore seems to have a future in this here "soccer" game. Villarreal express no intention of selling/loaning the striker. [Sky Sports]
• Freddy Adu seems to be doing alright over in Monaco, as well, according to Claudio Ranieri. [Goal.com]
• Rafa Benitez whines about Sir Alex Ferguson. Rafa Benitez whines about the slow progress in his contract negotiations. Rafa Benitez whines about his vintage jeans. You may notice a trend here. [Guardian, Yahoo!]
• Defoe returns to Spurs. Good business, there. [BBC Sport]

Morning Roundup, 01/09/09

• The battle for Roque Santa Cruz and his 4 goals this season continues. Blackburn apparently wants Darren Bent-type money for the striker. [BBC]
  
• For some strange reason, Yaya Toure would rather play for arguably the world's best club than be involved in a relegation battle. [The Guardian]
• Newcastle have turned down two bids for Joey "Felony" Barton. In other shocking news, 2 clubs actually want to sign Joey Barton. [Sky Sports]
• David Beckham may not return to the MLS. BUT WHAT ABOUT HERBALIFE, BECKS? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HERBALIFE? [Soccernet]
• Podolski to return to Koln, possibly freeing up a spot on Bayern's bench for Landypants. [F365]

Sergio Will Now Perform "Mammy" (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

To answer your question: Yes, that is Sergio Ramos in blackface.

If you haven’t noticed, Spain have had quite a few sports-related racism issues as of late, from Luis Aragones calling Thierry Henry “black shit” to Atletico Madrid being fined for racist chanting. The nation’s response has seemingly been something to the tune of “Heeeeeey, come on… We’re Spain, guys!” It looks like, for all intents and purposes, the campaign to kick racism out of football has failed miserably in Spain. It is a sorry state of affairs.

So how do we stop the racism? Well, we could impose harsher penalties on clubs for racist chants and the like.

A better solution: Come up with insulting Spanish stereotypes! See how they feel when the shoe is on the other foot!

Unfortunately, the only Spanish things I can think of now are paella and tapas (as I am fat/hungry), which aren’t as insulting, per se, as they are delicious. Surely we can come up with something, though. It’s time for a Manhattan Project for Spanish stereotypes. Get on that, US government.

IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO END RACISM.


Now onto the preview.



This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…

METALLICA ALBUMS!!!1111

5 (Master of Puppets)

Manchester United v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100
These two high-flying teams will come together like a Ferrari and a concrete barrier.

Too soon?

I’m always worried that intra-big four matchups will end up being played like a cup final, where both teams throw ten men behind the ball and nothing happens until a defender heads the ball into his own net (I’m looking at you, Nemanja Vidic). Prove me wrong guys! PROVE ME WRONG!
Prediction: 1-1

4 (Black Album)

Everton v Hull: Saturday, 1000
Everton are in 6th right now. I have no idea how they do it. I think their entire squad consists of something like 7 guys. David Moyes is a genius.

Meanwhile, Hull have also managed to stay in the top half, solely through the fortitude of Dean Windass’s gigantic old man balls.
Prediction: 3-2

3 (Death Magnetic)

Arsenal v Bolton: Saturday, 1000
Wenger’s post-match press conference will go something like “Whine whine whine zey tried to keeck us off ze field whine whine whine zat is not football,” as it does every time his squad plays a team not called “Arsenal”.
Prediction: 3-0

Wigan v Tottenham: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 1-0

Aston Villa v West Brom: Saturday, 0745
Villa are an entertaining team. I have no joke here.
Prediction: 4-1

Portsmouth v Manchester City: Saturday, 1000
Money does not win games. Unless you buy good players. Then money definitely wins games (Please ignore the fact that Man City are 2 points above the relegation zone).
Prediction: 1-2

Stoke v Liverpool: Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-1

2 (Load)

Fulham v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought that Sam Allardyce looked a bit like the dad from the TV show “Dinosaurs”.
Prediction: 2-0

Newcastle v West Ham: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

1 (St. Anger)

Middlesbrough v Sunderland: Saturday, 1000
Pogatetz! Chopra! It’s the Tees-Wear derby!
Prediction: 1-1


Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

AS Roma v AC Milan: Sunday, 1430
These teams are good, right? What!? Roma are in 10th? Well, then. Maybe I was wrong about this matBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAMBECKHAM
Prediction: 1-1

La Liga Match of the Week

Valencia v Villareal: Saturday, 1600
Damn you and your New Jersey-born ass, Giuseppi Rossi. You could have been loved here, but instead I have to watch Brian Ching do whatever the hell it is Brian Ching does every time he starts up front for the national team. Have fun struggling to make the Italy squad, jerkass.
Prediction: 3-1


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Upset at his lack of strike power, Harry Redknapp is also looking to buy back Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov for a combined 60 million pounds.


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo

“One Big Holiday”
My Morning Jacket
It Still Moves



Bitchin’ solo bookends! Wooooo!

Oddly enough, this song was used in the artistic masterpiece Stick It, a movie about some crazy rebel gymnast who does some sort of rebel gymnastics while wearing a Che t-shirt. Oh, and somewhere along the line someone says “It isn’t called gym-nice-tics…”

Jeff Bridges plays the girl’s coach. That’s right, the studio somehow roped the Dude into this piece of garbage as well.

Why yes, I do seem to know a lot about Stick It.

NO, I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE. NOW STOP ASKING.


Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

“Drop that zero and get with the hero.”

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly every Thursday or Friday.