More Adebayor: 8/30

Allowing Adebayor a free header: not advised

Portsmouth 0-1 Manchester City

Last year, City's biggest issue was woeful road form. While it wasn't a dominant, decisive victory, they have maximum points after a road win at Pompey. Not extremely impressive, but a step in the right direction. They may only have a +4 goal differential from three wins, but they have yet to concede a single tally. This, plus Liverpool's 7 goals conceded thus far, is what I get for making fun of City's lack of defense. Meanwhile, Portsmouth join Bolton as the only Prem teams with no points for the month of August, and they'll play one another in their next matches after the international break. Big Bear, I believe you have your first "Zero Star" rating of the season for your next preview...

Everton 2-1 Wigan

The Toffees took advantage of a late penalty to win a relatively even affair and move off the bottom of the table. Everton seemed to have an edge in sheer volume of opportunities, though Wigan botched a 5-on-2 break at the start of extra time that, in hindsight, could have meant taking a point away from Goodison Park. Everton's early season form looks to have been turned around, just in time for everyone to leave for two weeks. I'm sure David Moyes is thrilled with the timing.

Aston Villa 2-0 Fulham

Let's all get back on board the Aston Villa train!! An own goal from John Pantsil put Fulham in a very early hole, and Gabby Agbonlahor essentially finished off the win in the second half, as Fulham were reportedly atrocious.

Spain:

Valencia took advantage of 10-man Sevilla in the second half to cruise to a 2-0 win to start the campaign. Among other notable clubs in action Sunday, Villareal drew 1-1 away at Osasuna, and Atletico Madrid lost 3-0 at Malaga. Taking the early lead in the Spanish league, pending Monday's results for defending champion Barcelona, was Getafe. The club that finished in 17th place last season, barely maintaining their stay in the top league, won 4-1 at Racing Santander.

Italy:

In the notable early match, Juventus defeated Roma 3-1, with Juventus moving into second place. Sampdoria won, 3-1 over Udinese, to take first place. Genoa and Lazio also won their second match from two, and are off the pace only due to goal differential.

Germany:

In the early match, Werder Bremen defeated Hertha Berlin in Berlin, 3-2, to move to third in the Bundesliga. Later, Hamburg defeated FC Cologne, 3-1, to move into first place at the break.

Midweek Soccer:

None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. This week is all build-up and training to a considerable slate of World Cup Qualifying next Saturday and the following Wednesday.

Clinical Chelsea: 8/29

The lanky robot celebrates his first Spurs' strike

Chelsea 3-0 Burnley

The Blues' strength and three goals all around halftime put them atop the Premier League on goal difference heading into the first international break of the season. This is what happens when you're a Top 4 team that doesn't have to sell their best players thanks to debt issues* or a general lack of funds**.

*See Liverpool, Manchester United
**See Arsenal


Blackburn Yawn-Snore West Ham United

Bolton 2-3 Liverpool

From a few different accounts, Liverpool were decidedly lucky to pull out the victory, thanks to a second yellow to Bolton's Sean Davis sent him off shortly after Bolton had taken a 2-1 lead. Torres scored soon after, and Gerrard finished strong with an 83rd minute winner.

Stoke City 1-0 Sunderland

A lone Dave Kitson strike sends the Potters into fourth. With the addition of former Boro man and Turkish international Tuncay, Stoke are looking like a well-put-together side this season.

Tottenham 2-1 Birmingham City

Peter Crouch opened the scoring with a goal only he could have scored, because only he could get his head to the ball. Birmingham responded quickly after with the aid of a trademark moment of failed Tottenham defending, but City were unable to hold on to their single point, as Aaron Lennon scored at the death to maintain Spurs' 100% record.

Wolverhampton 1-1 Hull City

Hull's first half goal was nullified by an early second half strike for Wolves. Both teams will probably be decently pleased to be on four points from four matches, as survival is the name of the game.

Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal

And here I thought that stealing undeserved results might have left Manchester along with Cristiano Ronaldo. Arsenal were the stronger side in a mostly slow first half, taking the lead through a strong Andrei Arshavin strike. In the second, though, Wayne Rooney manufactured a clear penalty quite suddenly, and five minutes after he converted it, an inexplicable own goal from Abou Diaby, who headed in despite no one in red around him, gave the Red Devils their winning margin. It was not without late drama, as Arsenal looked to have equalized at the death, but a correct offsides call nullified it, and sent Arsene Wenger into a massive bitchfest that resulted in his sending off.

Spain:

Welcome back, La Liga, did you really need to sleep in that late? Cristiano Ronaldo scored from the penalty spot in his debut for Real Madrid, a 3-2 victory over Deportivo which proved what we all knew: Real Madrid cannot defend worth a shit. Iker Casillas is gonna have to choke a backliner before this season is out.

Italy:

It's only the second week, but the first of the Italian League's two Milan Flare-Throwing derbies happened today, and it was all Inter. Not only did they score three times in the first half, but Italian international and general Vagina Face Gennaro Gattuso saw a red card, as Inter coasted to a 4-0 victory and a day in first place. The other thing I learned about Italian soccer today: former Revolution goalkeeper/manager Walter Zenga is now a manager in Serie A.

Germany:

Bayer Leverkusen won again to maintain their Bundesliga lead, while Schalke lost at home to Freiburg to fall slightly off the pace. Bayern Munich got a small share of revenge on Wolfsburg with a 3-0 home victory, lifting them from 14th to 7th in the league.

London Derby Day: 8/23

Everything's coming up Spurs!

West Ham United 1-2 Tottenham

Carlton Cole put the Hammers ahead early in the second half with a spectacular strike, only to set up Spurs' equalizer five minutes later on a horrible back pass attempt. Aaron Lennon's 79th minute winner then sent Spurs back to the top of the Premier League.

Burnley 1-0 Everton

Perhaps I underestimated Turf Moor, Burnley's home stadium, and the effect it might have in keeping the Clarets up. Wade Elliott scored for the home team, and in the second half Louis Saha missed a purportedly undeserved penalty for the Toffees.

Fulham 0-2 Chelsea

The strike team of Drogba and Anelka paired to bring home three points from their West London rivals. Chelsea joined Spurs with three wins from three games, and sit in second on goal differential.

Italy:

Inter Milan got a penalty tally from new striker Samuel Eto'o, but Serie A noob AS Bari drew level again in the 74th minute to force a draw against the defending champions. Among other notable teams, Roma lost their opener at Genoa, 3-2, despite taking a 2-1 lead with 25 minutes to play. Genoa subsequently find themselves atop the table with that result. Also, Juventus opened with a 1-0 victory over Chievo Verona.

Germany:

Despite a goal from former Newcastle forward Obafemi Martins, defending champions Wolfsburg lost at home to Hamburg, 4-2, and failed to reclaim the top position. The win put Hamburg second to Bayer Leverkusen. Elsewhere, Werder Bremen got their first victory of the campaign thanks to a double by Claudio Pizarro.

Midweek Soccer:

Liverpool takes on Aston Villa tomorrow on ESPN2 to finish the Prem's week, and after that there is an assortment of Carling Cup second round matches, the second legs of qualifying rounds in UEFA Champions Leage And Europa League. If you must, you can throw in the CONCACAF Champions League group stage matches!

Man U's Revenge: 8/22

Did Kenwyne have to do a double-flip after his second goal?

Arsenal 4-1 Portsmouth

Arsenal got plenty of attention from their 6-1 drubbing of Everton in the opening weekend. This result was, frankly, about what should have been expected- Pompey are an embarrasment. I would like to thank them for sending Glen Johnson the way of my boys, though! The win propelled the Gunners past their hated London rivals Spurs and into first place.

Birmingham City 0-0 Stoke City

This one had all the appeal of watching paint dry. And probably some failed long throw-ins.

Hull City 1-0 Bolton

Jozy may not have scored on his Premier League debut, but he did set up Hull's winner very shortly after coming on as a sub, and all accounts make it seem that he had a strong all-around first effort. Then again, it was only Bolton...

Manchester City 1-0 Wolverhampton

Adebayor continued to show his worth to his new club with the winning strike in the 17th minute, and, with a little assistance tomorrow, City could find themselves with one of those Top 4 spot their owners are targeting.

Sunderland 2-1 Blackburn

Kenwyne Jones fought the Black Cats back from an early deficit with a double. Not to try to cheapen Mr. Jones's accomplishments, but Blackburn gainfully employs Paul Robinson to keep their goal, so someone was bound to score eventually...

Wigan 0-5 Manchester United

Call this one Manchester United's revenge for their midweek loss to Burnley. Though Wigan looked solid in the first half, SAF lit a fire under his team while they were eating the orange slices their moms brought, and once Wayne Rooney broke through in the 56th minute, the floodgates opened. A mild congrats are also due to Mr. Rooney for his 100th and 101st goals with the Red Devils, and to Michael Owen on his first goal with the club. Good that he got that out of the way before his first injury.

Italy:

Beckhambeckhambeckham's once and future club, AC Milan, took the early Serie A lead with a 2-1 victory over Siena, because only two games were played on the opening day, and the other was a draw between Bologna (delicious) and Fiorentina (a team whose nickname is "The Lilies", which certainly passes for threatening by Italian soccer standards). Both of Milan's goals were scored by Pato, and I'll make a huge leap and just assume that The Gooch played and kicked ass. I don't know where to look to find reports on Italian soccer, and frankly I wouldn't want to know where to look anyways.

Germany:

A road draw on Friday temporarily put Schalke 04 in first place in the Bundesliga, but they were surpassed on goal differential Saturday, when Bayer Leverkusen put up a 5-0 road victory at newly promoted SC Freiburg to take over at the top. Meanwhile, Bayern Munich are now winless in their first three games, following a 2-1 loss at Bundesliga noob FSV Mainz. They stand in 12th place.

Premier League: Infinite Crisis (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

Well, we're a full week into the Premier League season, so you know what time it is...

PANIC TIME!

Across the board, prognosticators are scrambling to fix their season predictions and save some face after seeing the results of the league's first two matches, as these matches clearly determine how the entire season will unfold. In case you haven't been keeping up with the news over the past seven days, I'll give you a quick rundown of the top stories:

-Liverpool lose a match (ARE LIVERPOOL IN CRISIS?)

-Man United win a match (MINIMUM 8-PEAT?)

-Chelsea squeak out a win at home over Hull City (ARE CHELSEA IN CRISIS?)

-Arsenal demolish Everton (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Spurs win their first two matches (IS THE WORLD GOING TO END?)

-Liverpool win a match (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Man United lose a match (ARE UNITED IN CRISIS?)

-Chelsea have a 100% record after two matches (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

So yes, Liverpool have what it takes to win the title and do not have what it takes to win the title. You can take that insight to the bank.

Let's get on with the preview.

As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...

SUPER POWERS

5 (Telekinesis)

Fulham v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100

My boy Clint Dempsey is clutch.

Prediction: 2-1

4 (Regeneration/Invulnerability)

West Ham v Tottenham: Sunday, 0830

Where can I get my hands on a "Tottenham Hotspur: Premier League Champions (If the Season Ended August 21st)" T-Shirt?

Prediction: 1-1

Liverpool v Aston Villa: Monday, 1800

Perhaps it's time we take away our endorsement from Villa. And no, we will not be giving it to Hull, no matter how many Jozy Altidores play for them.

Prediction: 3-1

3 (Super Strength)

Arsenal v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000

This does not bode well for Pompey, who had to use one of their ball boys in central defense last week.

Prediction: 4-0

Man City v Wolves: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Wigan v Man Utd: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 1-2

Burnley v Everton: Sunday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

2 (Optic Lasers)

Like Lasik, but backwards.

Sunderland v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000

If Darren Bent can score two goals in his first two matches, how many goals do you think Mrs. Redknapp would have?

Prediction: 1-0

1 (Lame-ass Fireworks from your hands)

Birmingham v Stoke: Saturday, 1000

It's times like this when I really miss Boro.

Prediction: 0-0

Hull City v Bolton: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Genoa v AS Roma: Sunday, 1445

I'm sure that people of Italian descent and/or David Beckham are super excited that the Serie A is back. People who seek excitement... Well, not so much. Enjoy your calcio!

Prediction: 1-1

Bundesliga: For Your Health

TSG Hoffenheim v Schalke 04: Friday, 1430

Insert David Hasselhoff joke here.

Prediction: 2-3

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Citing money troubles, Portsmouth management has decided to sell off the bulk of their squad, stating "We can play with seven guys, right?"

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Mighty Mighty Bosstones

"Someday I Suppose"

Ska-Core, The Devil, and More

Funny Internet Thing

Seeing as this week's theme is "Super Powers", it only seemed right that I post this classic.

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"My aroma, stick that nose up in the air...

Is that the excuse you use to ruin me?"

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

That Escalated Quickly: 8/16

The Blues' tag team of referee-abusing douchebags celebrates

After a slow summer of World Cup qualifying, FIFA Confederations Cup, CONCACAF Gold Cup, and transfer madness from the maniacs at Man City and the new Galacticos in Madrid, the Prem is finally back! The most notable league-wide trend was that Week 1 was all-or-nothing: there were no draws in the ten matches on the weekend. Read on to get a brief synopsis of the formerly-named Weekend In Review...

Chelsea 2-1 Hull City

The Tigers scored early and battled fiercely, but in the end, Horseface was impossible to keep at bay. Watching the end of this game on ESPN2 early Saturday morning, it felt completely inevitable that Chelsea would find a winner, and it only took two of the six added minutes for Drogba's chipped cross to accidentally find its way into the net.

Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham

Fulham get a Bobby Zamora deflection off a shot by our boy, Clint Dempsey. Portsmouth, after suffering a long summer filled with considerable sell-offs, look set in with the meager goal of survival this season.

Wolverhampton 0-2 West Ham United

Wolves fall in their first Premier League match in five years, with goals from the generically named Mark Noble and Matthew Upson for the visiting Hammers.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester City

The first day of Manchester City's offseason experiment went surprisingly well. Emmanuel Adebayor's pre-game coin flip must have come up 'heads', as he decided to show up, give an effort, and score on his debut. Because he's an inconsistent, primadonna striker, you see...

Bolton 0-1 Sunderland

Darren Bent shut me up before I had a chance to say anything about him that would endear me to The Big Bear.

Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan

The Villans looked punchless and directionless, and Wigan commanded the three points as penance for the shitty display, looking much the more likely threat for a spot in Europe next year.

Stoke City 2-0 Burnley

I've heard a few different people say they expect Burnley should be an interesting squad this year, as they play a style that resembles what West Bromwich Albion brought to the table last year. Have these people forgotten that WBA finished dead last last year? Either way, Burnley took their first step in following that mold on Saturday.

Everton 1-6 Arsenal

Remember when I said "I pick against Arsenal at my own peril" (see item 3)?? The Gunners wasted no time making me look like I have no idea what I'm talking about. So thanks for that, Fabregas and company.

Manchester United 1-0 Birmingham City

Wayne Rooney provided the winner, and SAF got the only result he cares about, even if they weren't the dominant United of the last couple of years.

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Spurs showed strength and resilience, Liverpool showed themselves to be somewhat short on ideas in attack, and the result was deserved for the home team. Symbolic of how disjointed Pool looked, Martin Skrtel and Jamie Carragher concussed one another going after the same header, despite their not being a Spurs offender nearby.

Germany:

It was Week 2 in Bundesliga, and only defending champions Wolfsburg and Big Bear-supported Schalke 04 pulled wins from both matches. Wolfsburg came from behind to defeat FC Cologne, 3-1, while Schalke 04 hung a 3-0 shutout on Bochum. Other team-of-interest Bayern Munich, last year's runner up, managed to salvage a draw at home against Werder Bremen on Saturday.

Goal Of The Week:

Spurs defender Benoit Assou-Ekotto scores a scorching goal, his first in senior soccer.



Upcoming Events:

A little more than half of the Premier League will be in league matches on Tuesday or Wednesday this week, with exceptions for the teams playing in Europe, which is headlined by Celtic vs. Arsenal in Champions League (now on FSC, no more Tommy Smyth and talk of "old onion bags"...hurray!). Until then, let's continue to bask in the return of meaningful club soccer!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation... (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

The Prem is back, and not a minute too soon. Those certainly were a rough few months. I even had to watch baseball a few times. BASEBALL. I should have just napped.

All that garbage is over now, though. Let's preview!

As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...

SUMMER-RELATED ACTIVITIES

5 (Outdoor Drinking)

Lord knows, if there's one thing better than drinking, it's drinking outside. Plus, it's uber-convenient if you find yourself needing to use the facilities or vomit. THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET!

Tottenham v Liverpool: Sunday, 1100

It's the Oversized-Expectations Championship! Which team will disappoint its fans first?

Prediction: 1-2

Everton v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230

Prediction: 2-2

4 (Going to the Beach)

Ha ha! Fuck you, Middle America!

Blackburn v Man City: Saturday, 10:00

Rovers midfielder has stressed the need for his side to "kick lumps" out of City. Over/under on yellow cards in this match: 7.

Prediction: 1-2

3 (Grilling)

Chelsea v Hull City: Saturday, 0745

Chelsea are early favorites for the title, but Hull have only won twice in their last 29 league matches... NOTHING'S GOT TO GIVE!

Prediction: 3-0

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Man Utd v Birmingham: Sunday, 0830

Prediction: 2-0

2 (Working)

At least, if you work in an office, it's air conditioned.

Portsmouth v Fulham: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Wolverhampton v West Ham: Saturday, 1000

Why Wolves didn't select the epic "3-Wolf Moon" t-shirt for their home kit is beyond me.

Prediction: 1-1

Bolton v Sunderland: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-0

1 (Watching the US B-Side Lose 5-0 to Mexico)

Well, that happened.

Stoke v Burnley: Saturday, 1000

Burnley played some stylish soccer in the Championship last season, which, if we learned anything from West Brom, who played stylish soccer in the Championship two years ago, equals relegation. Meanwhile, Stoke managed to stay up rather comfortably by using throw-ins as their primary offensive strategy. Time to think inside the box, Owen Coyle!

Prediction: 0-0

Bundesliga: For Your Health

Bayern Munich v Werder Bremen: Saturday, 0930

Hey, kids! Do you like goals? Do you not care if your stars are eight different kinds of ugly? Then the Bundesliga is for you!

Prediction: 3-2

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Still reeling from the global recession, Manchester City's owners are forced to scale back the club's transfer budget to a measly 700 million pounds.

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Metallica

"Master of Puppets"

Master of Puppets

If I was to go, say, zombie hunting, this would be the song I would listen to to pump myself up. Also, I would never forget to carry a crowbar, but that's a whole other can of worms, there.

Funny Internet Thing

Artur Boruc's Friday Rage Lists over at Dirty Tackle are pretty much as funny as soccer-related humor gets.

Unless you love corn. AAAAAAAAAAHHH

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"Your world is Titanic, floating on the funk."

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

EPL Prediction MADNESS!!

So, much like we did with the MLS, the writers of WCIS have decided to do a little question and answer number regarding the upcoming EPL season. Will we be correct? Will we look like jackasses (yes!)? Will I be offered a job to write for ESPN Soccernet? No one knows! And that's the fun of preseason!


1. What team will win the Premiership and why?
Mathemagician: I’m backing Chelsea to take the league title, thanks to a relative lack of roster turnover, a coach who has proven successful in a relatively comparable league, and the infinite monies of a crazy Russian mobster billionaire. (Side note: While I respect Ancelotti’s achievements, fuck him sideways for AC Milan’s 2007 Champions League victory)

Blastbao: Is is sad that the only Chelsea supporter of the group doesn't think Chelsea is going to win it? My vote is for Liverpool honestly. And that pains me. As much as swine flu... Or Man City getting into the top 4. Boo! Liverpool lost Alonso, but they're still solid from back to front. As long as Benetiz stops screwing with the lineup, they'll be tough to beat.

The Big Bear: Chelsea, but there isn't much separating them from Liverpool and United (hell, and maybe Arsenal, too).

My rationale? A just God would not allow United a fourth consecutive title. 'Pool just need too many things to fall their way to pull it off (Reds fans can always take solace in Rafa steamrolling his way to the whining championship, however). And as for Arsenal... Well, fuck those guys.


2. What three teams will be dropped?
MM: I will be rooting hard for Manchester City to drop just for the comedy of it, but in reality the three teams that are headed out are Sunderland (on the “strength” of having signed Darren Bent), Burnley (a team with the potential to challenge Derby County’s Epic Fail from two seasons ago), and Birmingham City (a lack of recognizable talent eventually squeezes them out in the final days of the season).

Blast: Let's go with... Burnley, West Ham, and Man Utd. Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?

Ok I am. I say Sunderland. Why, you ask? Why the hell not?

TBB: Burnley, Hull, and Pompey. This should be another tight race, and honestly, one could feel free to replace any or all of those teams with Wolverhampton, Birmingham, Stoke, Wigan, Bolton, or even Blackburn. I can't wait to hear FSC commercials for games involving these teams later in the season:

THE TIGERS DESPERATELY NEED A WIN TO CLIMB OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE...

BUT THE BLUES ARE ALSO REALLY FUCKING BAD...

IT'S HULL CITY VERSUS BIRMINGHAM, THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX SOCCER CHANNEL!


3. What teams will qualify for the Champions League?
MM: Chelsea (see above), Liverpool (once they figure out life without Xabi Alonso, they should submit a strong season), Manchester United (Sir Alex Fuckhead won without Cristiano Ronaldo’s prancing before, he can surely do so again), and Everton. I pick against Arsenal at my own peril, but I just don’t see how they got better in the offseason, and the Toffees are still very solid throughout. Also, I am heavily partial to Timmy Howard.

Blast: Chelski, Pool, Man Utd, and Everton because I love them so. I'd like to say Fulham, but, you know... They're Fulham.

TBB: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.

Whoop-de-do. The Champions League is for lamers, anyway.


4. Will wonder-boy Ronaldo’s leaving affect ManU’s chances this season of a repeat?
MM: Most definitely. While he wasn’t up to his previous standards last year (down to “only” 26 goals from 42 the previous season), he was still the most influential attacking player for the squad when they were at their best. The idea of “replacing” him with Michael Owen and Nani is beyond laughable. They might be good enough to repeat in the Carling Cup, but I doubt they’ll take down the league title.

Blast: I don't see how Owen can't handle the job of both Tevez and Ronaldo. He's a solid striker who.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, wait. I'm sorry. I just couldn't even finish that without bursting into laughter. There is no way Man U will be the same team as last year. Sure, Rooney is nasty, but Berbatov and Owen? Really? That's your solution? Good luck with that.

TBB: I think so. United had a lot more going for them than just Ronaldo (who cannot kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets), but his 18 league goals are a lot to make up, and Michael "Not Injury Prone" Owen won't be the solution after he somehow manages to step on a land mine two weeks into the season.


5. How about the FA Cup?
MM: Trying to predict what will happen in the crapshoot that is the FA Cup is nearly impossible. I usually lean toward Arsenal, because they theoretically employ the best “youngster” squad to roll over League One and League Two teams in early rounds, when the Liverpools of the world tend to flirt with succumbing to squads like Havant and Waterlooville.

Blast: Wolverhampton!!!! Go Wolves!

TBB: Liverpool, maybe? It's a crapshoot.


6. Will Man City’s crazy summer spending be enough to land them in the top 4? If not, then where?
MM: Hell no! The team was a solid, if inconsistent, offensive team last season, and all they seemed to do was add striker upon striker, without fully addressing their back four. In theory, Shay Given and Kolo Toure will help, but Adebayor, Robinho, Roque Santa Cruz and Carlos Tevez play zero defense. I think they’ll move up from 10th last season, but probably go no higher than 6th in the end. And I will watch most of their games, if they are on, because 3-3 is a possibility every time out.

Blast: Only if they incorporate the 1-1-8 formation. Sure, they give up a lot of goals, but they'll score even more! That sounds like a good plan to me. You can't buy championships. Just ask my boy, Roman Abramovich. I say they end up in 5th.

TBB: No, but they'll certainly make a go of it. I see City landing in 5th, which will probably result in Mark Hughes being fired.


7. Who will be the Golden boot of the Prem?
MM: I’m tempted to say Wayne Rooney, but I don’t think he will quite get there, so I’m going with the complete homer pick of Fernando Torres. My prediction will probably doom him to another injury-plagued season, but I’ve got to make a homer pick somewhere…

Blast: Altidore. BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going with Anelka or Torres. Drogba might even make a late run.

TBB: I'll say Wayne Rooney, although Darren Bent may win it just to piss me off.


8. How about Altidore? Break through for Hull?
MM: I am intrigued to see how well Jozy holds up against some of the best central midfielders in the world, but what can we expect from a 19 year old? Will he get the lion’s share of playing time for the Tigers? I’m still struggling to see through the insane bias I have after watching his spectacular goal against Spain at Confed Cup, and while I don’t think he’s a top quality striker by Premier League standards (specifically, he probably won’t make Nemanja Vidic his personal bitch like ‘Nando can), I think he’ll be successful enough under the improbably tan Phil Brown to keep Hull City above the drop again.

Blast: Um... I just said he's going to win the golden boot, so yes. I think he'll score 5-7 goals this season, but it's going to be a big adjustment. Regardless, it will be good for his future. Keep in mind he's only 19!

TBB: In a word? No. Welcome to the world of Eddie Johnson, Jozy.


9. What team will be surprisingly good?
MM: I’m going with the same team I thought was surprisingly good last year (which I guess makes it less surprising, but anyway), and that team is Fulham. Of course, I am defining “surprisingly good” as “team that will coast to a comfortable tenth/eleventh place rather than battle out against relegation in the final weeks”. Other candidates, depending on your definition of “surprisingly good”: Everton, Tottenham

Blast: Fulham! Fulham! Fulham! Either that or Wolves! Rawr FA Cup champions!

TBB: Sunderland, I suppose. Steve Bruce is a good manager and they've made some solid signings this offseason.


10. What team will be surprisingly bad?
MM: Once again, I’m reading this as “surprisingly bad other than teams I expect to be relegated”, because, seriously, Burnley is going to be a goddamn disaster. But I’m going with Portsmouth here, for no other reason than their newfound lack of Crouchy goodness. Another candidate: West Ham

Blast: Stop stealing my answers! I was going to say West Ham. So bad, in fact, that I voted for them to be relegated. Woot woot.

TBB: Pompey are in trouble. Looking at their current roster, I don't know if they'll be "surprisingly" bad (just expectedly bad), but they really do seem to be relegation fodder at this point.


11. Will The Big Bear be proud of Tottenham Hotspur this season?

MM: See question nine, I presume there will be a fair amount of robot dancing this season on his part. Assuming they learned from a few years back and have hired someone to taste all players’ meals, I think this year, sans the distraction/extra effort/time crunch required to compete in Europe, could be Spurs’ strongest effort since their fifth place finish in 2006.

Blast: Well, they... picked up... um... Crouch? Really? I mean, he has a super hot girlfriend (see here) so, you know... that's something. Who can't be proud of a freaky looking, ultra thin, tall guy who celebrated his goals by doing the robot, having a girl like that? I know I am.

TBB: If by "proud of" you mean "yelling at the television because of", then yes, I will most certainly be proud of Spurs.


Table Predictions!

MM:
1. Chelsea
2. Liverpool

3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Tottenham
6. Arsenal
7. Manchester City
8. Aston Villa
9. Wigan

10. Fulham
11. Bolton
12. Blackburn
13. Stoke City
14. Hull City
15. Wolverhampton
16. West Ham
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham City
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

Blast:
1. Liverpool
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Manchester City
6. Aresenal
7. Fulham
8. Aston Villa
9. Tottenham
10. Blackburn
11. Bolton
12. Wigan
13. Hull City
14. Wolverhampton (!)
15. Stoke City
16. Portsmouth
17. Birmingham City
18. West Ham
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

TBB:
1. Chelsea
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Manchester City
6. Everton
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Aston Villa
9. West Ham
10. Sunderland
11. Fulham
12. Blackburn
13. Bolton
14. Stoke
15. Wigan
16. Wolverhampton
17. Birmingham
18. Portsmouth
19. Burnley
20. Hull City



Alright! Thanks for playing everyone! Now we'll all just have to wait and see how much comes true! Make sure to stay tuned for more witty, snarky, and sexy commentary throughout the season. Love and kisses.

Team USA News: Jozy's A Tiger!

It was semi-news when Jozy Altidore scored against the Spanish National Team in the Confederations Cup in June. His goal was the supposed "fuck you" to the Spanish team that signed him (Villareal), which then loaned him out to a second division team (Xerez, now promoted, who was unable to use Jozy due to a training injury). He is now realizing transfer prosperity from that single goal, moving to Hull City in England. Altidore revealed the news ahead of time with a Sweet Tweet, and this WCIS editor is now officially prepared to suggest that this site's non-partisan EPL endorsement should be shifted from Aston Villa to Hull City immediately.