Well, we're a full week into the Premier League season, so you know what time it is...
PANIC TIME!
Across the board, prognosticators are scrambling to fix their season predictions and save some face after seeing the results of the league's first two matches, as these matches clearly determine how the entire season will unfold. In case you haven't been keeping up with the news over the past seven days, I'll give you a quick rundown of the top stories:
-Liverpool lose a match (ARE LIVERPOOL IN CRISIS?)
-Man United win a match (MINIMUM 8-PEAT?)
-Chelsea squeak out a win at home over Hull City (ARE CHELSEA IN CRISIS?)
-Arsenal demolish Everton (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)
-Spurs win their first two matches (IS THE WORLD GOING TO END?)
-Liverpool win a match (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)
-Man United lose a match (ARE UNITED IN CRISIS?)
-Chelsea have a 100% record after two matches (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)
So yes, Liverpool have what it takes to win the title and do not have what it takes to win the title. You can take that insight to the bank.
Let's get on with the preview.
As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...
SUPER POWERS
5 (Telekinesis)
Fulham v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-1
West Ham v Tottenham: Sunday, 0830
Where can I get my hands on a "Tottenham Hotspur: Premier League Champions (If the Season Ended August 21st)" T-Shirt?
Prediction: 1-1
Liverpool v Aston Villa: Monday, 1800
Perhaps it's time we take away our endorsement from Villa. And no, we will not be giving it to Hull, no matter how many Jozy Altidores play for them.
Prediction: 3-1
3 (Super Strength)
Arsenal v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000
This does not bode well for Pompey, who had to use one of their ball boys in central defense last week.
Prediction: 4-0
Man City v Wolves: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0
Wigan v Man Utd: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2
Burnley v Everton: Sunday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1
2 (Optic Lasers)
Like Lasik, but backwards.
Sunderland v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000
If Darren Bent can score two goals in his first two matches, how many goals do you think Mrs. Redknapp would have?
Prediction: 1-0
Birmingham v Stoke: Saturday, 1000
It's times like this when I really miss Boro.
Prediction: 0-0
Hull City v Bolton: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1
Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing
Genoa v AS Roma: Sunday, 1445
I'm sure that people of Italian descent and/or David Beckham are super excited that the Serie A is back. People who seek excitement... Well, not so much. Enjoy your calcio!
Prediction: 1-1
Bundesliga: For Your Health
TSG Hoffenheim v Schalke 04: Friday, 1430
Insert David Hasselhoff joke here.
Prediction: 2-3
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Citing money troubles, Portsmouth management has decided to sell off the bulk of their squad, stating "We can play with seven guys, right?"
Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
"Someday I Suppose"
Ska-Core, The Devil, and More
Funny Internet Thing
Seeing as this week's theme is "Super Powers", it only seemed right that I post this classic.
Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom
"My aroma, stick that nose up in the air...
Is that the excuse you use to ruin me?"
The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.
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