That Escalated Quickly: 8/16

The Blues' tag team of referee-abusing douchebags celebrates

After a slow summer of World Cup qualifying, FIFA Confederations Cup, CONCACAF Gold Cup, and transfer madness from the maniacs at Man City and the new Galacticos in Madrid, the Prem is finally back! The most notable league-wide trend was that Week 1 was all-or-nothing: there were no draws in the ten matches on the weekend. Read on to get a brief synopsis of the formerly-named Weekend In Review...

Chelsea 2-1 Hull City

The Tigers scored early and battled fiercely, but in the end, Horseface was impossible to keep at bay. Watching the end of this game on ESPN2 early Saturday morning, it felt completely inevitable that Chelsea would find a winner, and it only took two of the six added minutes for Drogba's chipped cross to accidentally find its way into the net.

Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham

Fulham get a Bobby Zamora deflection off a shot by our boy, Clint Dempsey. Portsmouth, after suffering a long summer filled with considerable sell-offs, look set in with the meager goal of survival this season.

Wolverhampton 0-2 West Ham United

Wolves fall in their first Premier League match in five years, with goals from the generically named Mark Noble and Matthew Upson for the visiting Hammers.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester City

The first day of Manchester City's offseason experiment went surprisingly well. Emmanuel Adebayor's pre-game coin flip must have come up 'heads', as he decided to show up, give an effort, and score on his debut. Because he's an inconsistent, primadonna striker, you see...

Bolton 0-1 Sunderland

Darren Bent shut me up before I had a chance to say anything about him that would endear me to The Big Bear.

Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan

The Villans looked punchless and directionless, and Wigan commanded the three points as penance for the shitty display, looking much the more likely threat for a spot in Europe next year.

Stoke City 2-0 Burnley

I've heard a few different people say they expect Burnley should be an interesting squad this year, as they play a style that resembles what West Bromwich Albion brought to the table last year. Have these people forgotten that WBA finished dead last last year? Either way, Burnley took their first step in following that mold on Saturday.

Everton 1-6 Arsenal

Remember when I said "I pick against Arsenal at my own peril" (see item 3)?? The Gunners wasted no time making me look like I have no idea what I'm talking about. So thanks for that, Fabregas and company.

Manchester United 1-0 Birmingham City

Wayne Rooney provided the winner, and SAF got the only result he cares about, even if they weren't the dominant United of the last couple of years.

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Spurs showed strength and resilience, Liverpool showed themselves to be somewhat short on ideas in attack, and the result was deserved for the home team. Symbolic of how disjointed Pool looked, Martin Skrtel and Jamie Carragher concussed one another going after the same header, despite their not being a Spurs offender nearby.

Germany:

It was Week 2 in Bundesliga, and only defending champions Wolfsburg and Big Bear-supported Schalke 04 pulled wins from both matches. Wolfsburg came from behind to defeat FC Cologne, 3-1, while Schalke 04 hung a 3-0 shutout on Bochum. Other team-of-interest Bayern Munich, last year's runner up, managed to salvage a draw at home against Werder Bremen on Saturday.

Goal Of The Week:

Spurs defender Benoit Assou-Ekotto scores a scorching goal, his first in senior soccer.



Upcoming Events:

A little more than half of the Premier League will be in league matches on Tuesday or Wednesday this week, with exceptions for the teams playing in Europe, which is headlined by Celtic vs. Arsenal in Champions League (now on FSC, no more Tommy Smyth and talk of "old onion bags"...hurray!). Until then, let's continue to bask in the return of meaningful club soccer!