The Prem is back, and not a minute too soon. Those certainly were a rough few months. I even had to watch baseball a few times. BASEBALL. I should have just napped.
All that garbage is over now, though. Let's preview!
As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...
SUMMER-RELATED ACTIVITIES
5 (Outdoor Drinking)
Lord knows, if there's one thing better than drinking, it's drinking outside. Plus, it's uber-convenient if you find yourself needing to use the facilities or vomit. THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET!
Tottenham v Liverpool: Sunday, 1100
It's the Oversized-Expectations Championship! Which team will disappoint its fans first?
Prediction: 1-2
Everton v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 2-2
4 (Going to the Beach)
Ha ha! Fuck you, Middle America!
Blackburn v Man City: Saturday, 10:00
Rovers midfielder has stressed the need for his side to "kick lumps" out of City. Over/under on yellow cards in this match: 7.
Prediction: 1-2
3 (Grilling)
Chelsea v Hull City: Saturday, 0745
Chelsea are early favorites for the title, but Hull have only won twice in their last 29 league matches... NOTHING'S GOT TO GIVE!
Prediction: 3-0
WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0
Man Utd v Birmingham: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-0
2 (Working)
At least, if you work in an office, it's air conditioned.
Portsmouth v Fulham: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1
Wolverhampton v West Ham: Saturday, 1000
Why Wolves didn't select the epic "3-Wolf Moon" t-shirt for their home kit is beyond me.
Prediction: 1-1
Bolton v Sunderland: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0
1 (Watching the US B-Side Lose 5-0 to Mexico)
Well, that happened.
Stoke v Burnley: Saturday, 1000
Burnley played some stylish soccer in the Championship last season, which, if we learned anything from West Brom, who played stylish soccer in the Championship two years ago, equals relegation. Meanwhile, Stoke managed to stay up rather comfortably by using throw-ins as their primary offensive strategy. Time to think inside the box, Owen Coyle!
Prediction: 0-0
Bundesliga: For Your Health
Bayern Munich v Werder Bremen: Saturday, 0930
Hey, kids! Do you like goals? Do you not care if your stars are eight different kinds of ugly? Then the Bundesliga is for you!
Prediction: 3-2
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Still reeling from the global recession, Manchester City's owners are forced to scale back the club's transfer budget to a measly 700 million pounds.
Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off
Metallica
"Master of Puppets"
Master of Puppets
If I was to go, say, zombie hunting, this would be the song I would listen to to pump myself up. Also, I would never forget to carry a crowbar, but that's a whole other can of worms, there.
Funny Internet Thing
Artur Boruc's Friday Rage Lists over at Dirty Tackle are pretty much as funny as soccer-related humor gets.
Unless you love corn. AAAAAAAAAAHHH
Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom
"Your world is Titanic, floating on the funk."
The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.
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