In Which the Big Bear Has to Go Away for a Little While

Well, it appears that I am going to have to take an indefinite leave from WCIS, as I just haven't had the time to post any quality material. Hopefully I'll be back in the spring with more exiting morning roundups and weekend preview bonanzas.

And yes, I realize I'm pretty much the deadbeat dad of the soccer blogging world.

On a more positive note, here's the music video for "Christmas in Hollis":

Merry Christmas, folks.

Morning Roundup, 12/15/10

• Congolese side TP Mazembe knocks off South American champion Internacional to become the first African team to reach the Club World Cup Final. And there was much buttdancing. [Fox Soccer]

• Fulham is looking to temporarily secure Landon Donovan's services. Let's hope, for Lando's sake, that this deal isn't getting worse all the time. [SBI]

• Steven Gerrard may return to action this weekend. [Pies]

• Or not. [F365]

• Blackburn Rovers have considered appointing Diego Maradona as their next manager. This can only end well, right? [Soccernet]
  

Morning Roundup, 12/14/10

Image credit: Robin Parker/EPA

• Manchester United currently sit atop the Premier League after beating Arsenal, 1-0. [Soccernet]

• Arsene Wenger, never one to complain, blames the Old Trafford pitch for his team's loss. [BBC Sport]

• Sepp Blatter's suggestion for homosexuals who may plan on attending the 2022 World Cup in Qatar: "I would say they should refrain from any sexual activities." [Dirty Tackle]

• Carlos Tevez wants to leave Manchester City. Manchester City, understandably, have a different opinion. [Guardian]
  

Heurelho Gomes- Goat, Hero: 12/12

Bolton 2-1 Blackburn

Notlob, down to ten men for the final 35 minutes, gave up a 1-0 lead late, but an 88th minute goal from Stu Holden secured three points for the Wanderers and a move back up to sixth place.
MatchStat) Corners: Bolton 3, Blackburn 10

Wolverhampton 1-0 Birmingham City

Stephen Hunt scored the only goal of the match in the 44th minute, and Wolves rode to an easy victory, though the win did not move them out of the relegation zone.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Wolves 8, Birmingham 0

Tottenham 1-1 Chelsea

Spurs have had one clean sheet on the season, back in the August against Manchester City. So even though they took a first half lead through Roman Pavlyuchenko, it was inevitable that Chelsea would at least get one goal, which they did when Didier Drogba struck a hard shot straight at Heurelho Gomes, who could only palm the ball over his head and allow it to dribble into the goal in a soft bit of keeping. Gomes looked a further goat in the first minute of extra time, when he body-checked Ramires in the area and conceded a penalty. However, he became a hero, diving to his left and saving Drogba's penalty, and securing a point for Spurs.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Tottenham 1, Chelsea 8

Spanish Inquisition:

Fourth place Espanyol blew a 1-0 lead and went on to lose, 2-1, at Athletic Bilbao. Real Madrid cruised to a 3-1 win at Real Zaragoza. Not to be outdone, Barcelona smashed Real Sociedad 5-0, with two goals from Leo Messi.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

AC Milan beat Bologna to extend their league lead to six points. Roma beat Bari 1-0 to move up from ninth to sixth. Juventus got a goal in the fourth minute of second half stoppage time from Milos Krasic to beat Lazio 2-1 and jump above Lazio and Napoli for second place in Serie A.

Das Boot:

Eighth place Freiburg beat last place Borussia Monchengladbach 3-0 to move up to sixth. Mainz and Schalke each missed a penalty in their match, but a Jefferson Farfan goal gave Schalke the win and moved them up from fifteenth to tenth. Mainz remain fourth, 13 points behind Dortmund.

Midweek Action:

Europa League's last group stage matches on Wednesday and Thursday!
/inserts appropriate dismissive wanking motion

The real drama comes with the Champions League/Europa League knockout draw on Friday. Who will be Spurs' first opponent? Will Arsenal be made to pay for not winning their group? Will anyone care who Liverpool and Manchester City draw in the Europa League?

Clean Sheets Aplenty: 12/11

Aston Villa 2-1 West Bromwich Albion

Villa responded well to their defeat at Anfield last week with goals from Stewart Downing and Emile Heskey, and only an extra time tally from Paul Scharner kept Brad Friedel from earning the clean sheet. The victory eased Villa's relegation fears a bit, as they gained two points on eighteenth place Wigan.
Matchstat) Possession: Aston Villa 42%, West Brom 58%

Everton 0-0 Wigan

David Moyes' side were the better of the two, but only had a point to show for it. Wigan's point failed to move them out of the bottom three.
Matchstat) Shots: Everton 14, Wigan 6

Fulham 0-0 Sunderland

The point for the Black Cats can be fully claimed by goalkeeper Simon Mignolet. While it was a good effort from Fulham, Mark Hughes' luck continues to run short, as they remain outside the bottom four by goal difference alone.
Matchstat) Shots On Goal: Fulham 9, Sunderland 1

Stoke City 0-1 Blackpool

The Seasiders continued their excellent road form (of which I am quite jealous) with a 48th minute goal from DJ Campbell securing all three points and lifting Blackpool back into the top half of the table.
Matchstat) Shots: Stoke 22, Blackpool 11

West Ham United 1-3 Manchester City

More trouble for the Hammers, as they fell behind 3-0 (on goals from Yaya Toure and Adam Johnson, and an own goal from Robert Green) before conceding a James Tomkins consolation late on. I'm still not sure how Chris Hughton got fired before Avram Grant, but he's got to be going soon after at this rate.
Matchstat) Possession: West Ham 38%, Manchester City 62%

Newcastle United 3-1 Liverpool

Another terrible road performance for the Reds saw them go behind in the first half through Kevin Nolan, but out of nowhere Dirk Kuyt equalized just after halftime. Then, Tyneside's favorite criminal, Joey Barton, scored the winner for Newcastle in the 79th minute, and Andy Carroll added the coup de grace in added time.
Matchstat) Shots: Newcastle 7, Liverpool 21

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Half of the matches were postponed, but among those that were played, Rangers drew 1-1 at Inverness, Hearts smashed Aberdeen 5-0, and St. Johnstone beat St. Mirren 2-1.

Spanish Inquisition:

Villareal lost 1-0 at Getafe, despite the hosts finishing the match with nine men. Almeria won at ten man Sevilla, 3-1, and Sergio Aguero scored a brace in a 2-0 victory against Deportivo De La Coruna.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Fourth place Napoli won 1-0 at Genoa to go into second place overnight in Serie A. Seventh place Palermo came from 1-0 down to win 3-1 against Parma and move up to fifth.

Das Boot:

Virtually unbeatable, Borussia Dortmund won 2-0 against Werder Bremen to extend their Bundesliga lead to 11 points. Bayer Leverkusen took up the second place spot with a 4-2 win at Hamburg. Relegation-threatened Cologne won 1-0 to move out of the bottom two.

Morning Roundup, 12/09/10

Image credit: Matt Dunham/AP

• Arsenal have advanced into the Champions League knockout stage after defeating Partizan Belgrade, 3-1. [Fox Soccer]

• Good news for fans of random stabbings, as Roma are also through to the next round. Other Champions League results include Chelsea continuing their poor run of form with a 1-0 loss to Marseille. [SBI]

• Newcastle have handed new manager Alan Pardew a five-and-a-half-year year contract. It should be noted that the Magpies have gone through seven managers in the previous five-and-a-half years. But I'm sure that Pardew will be around to see out his contract. [Sky Sports]

• Inter owner/president Massimo Moratti has issued an ultimatum to Rafa Benitez, warning the manager that his side "absolutely must win" the Club World Cup. Somewhere, Jose Mourinho is cackling maniacally. [Soccernet]

• The Shin Guardian has posted a fantastic interview with former Revs star Taylor Twellman. If you're even remotely curious as to what Twellman has been going through, it's a must-read. [TSG]
  

Morning Roundup, 12/08/10

Image credit: Vincent Jannink/EPA

• Spurs finish atop their Champions League group following a 3-3 draw at Dutch side FC Twente. [Guardian]

• A similar story goes for Manchester United, whose 1-1 draw with Valencia secures the top spot in group C for the Red Devils. [Fox Soccer]

• Other Champions League results include FC Copenhagen advancing to the knockout stages with a 3-1 win over Panathinaikos. [F365]

• Former West Ham boss Alan Pardew, who looks nothing like Martin Jol, is now expected to be named as the new Newcastle manager. [BBC Sport]

• Wolverhampton manager Mick McCarthy allegedly wants to bring Robbie Keane back (way back) to Wolves in the January transfer window. [Pies]

• Today's Champions League matches feature Arsenal, Braga, and Waxtap battling for Group H's two knockout stage berths. [Sky Sports]
  

Morning Roundup, 12/07/10

Image credit: Tim Hales/AP

• Liverpool breeze past WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa 3-0. The Merseysiders move up to 8th in the table with the win, while Villa hover only two points above the relegation zone. That endorsement is looking more precarious every day... [Soccernet]

• Newcastle United players are not particularly happy about Mike Ashley's unexpected firing of manager Chris Hughton. [Dirty Tackle]

• Martin Jol, who recently stepped down from his managerial role at Ajax, is currently the favorite to take over at the Toon. [Guardian]

• Today's first transfer rumor involving an American: DEMPSEY TO LIVERPOOL??????? [Pies]

• Today's second transfer rumor involving an American: FRIEDEL TO CREW AS PLAYER/COACH??????? [Mirror]

• The Champions League is back in action today, with United and Spurs looking to secure top spot in their respective groups. [Sky Sports]
  

Peter Odemwingie Is Here... For Now: 12/5

West Bromwich Albion 3-1 Newcastle United

Peter Odemwingie scored twice for the Baggies, who are back up to eighth with the win. Odemwingie is surely not long for this world, though; after choosing the Nigerian national team over his birthplace, Russia, someone is going to make him disappear one of these days. You do not cross the Russian mafia. Hmmm, suddenly Thursday's events make even more sense, at least from the perspective of Sepp Blatter's instinct of self-preservation.
MatchStat) Yellow Cards: West Brom 0, Newcastle 5

Sunderland 1-0 West Ham United

The Black Cats were a bit more dominant than the final scoreline shows, winning on Jordan Henderson's quality finish of a lovely goal and rarely being threatened by the Hammers. ZOMG stay tuned for the Avram Grant sack, which is surely, maybe coming soon possibly! Enjoy the Championship next year, West Ham.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Sunderland 7, West Ham 1

Spanish Inquisition:

The match of the day pitted third place Villareal against eighth place Sevilla. The Yellow Submarine won, 1-0, thanks to a 29th minute goal from Nilmar. Fourth place Espanyol won 1-0, scoring after going down to ten men. The late match between expected mid-table team Athletic Bilbao and surprising mid-table team Real Sociedad went to last season's second division champion (Sociedad), 2-0, on a penalty and an own goal. Sociedad improved to sixth with the win.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Eighth place Sampdoria beat Bari, 3-0, to move up to a tie for fifth on points and goal difference with Palermo and Inter Milan. Third place Juventus beat eleventh place Catania, 3-1, thanks to a brace from Fabio Quagliarella, closing the gap to leaders AC Milan to six points ahead of their showdown with second place Lazio next weekend (barring the threatened player strike).

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund won at Nuremberg, 2-0, to extend their Bundesliga lead to ten points over Mainz, thanks to goals from Mats Hummels and Robert Lewandowski. Bayer Leverkusen won 3-2 against relegation threatened FC Cologne to surpass Hannover for third place, eleven points off Dortmund's pace.

Midweek Action:

Liverpool hosts Aston Villa on Monday, and then the final group games in the Champions League are on Tuesday and Wednesday. With twelve of the sixteen knockout spots already secured, I'll focus here on the what's left to play for in each group:

Group A- Tottenham and Inter have clinched qualification, but are even on points, and Spurs hold the tiebreaker. Both teams play on the road in the final fixture, Tottenham at Europa League-bound Twente, and Inter at eliminated Werder Bremen.

Group B- Schalke and Lyon are through, but first and second place are still at stake, with Schalke a point ahead of Lyon. The other two entrants are still both alive for the Europa League spot, with Benfica two points ahead of Hapoel Tel Aviv. On Tuesday, Schalke travel to Benfica, and Lyon host Hapoel Tel Aviv.

Group C- Manchester United and Valencia are through, and they play one another at Old Trafford on Tuesday. Valencia wins the group with a win, and Man U wins the group if they do not lose. Rangers have clinched the Europa League spot, and finish out their Champions League run at Bursaspor, who have five losses in five games in the competition.

Group D- Barcelona are through as group winners, and Panathinaikos are eliminated. The second spot will go to either Copenhagen (7 points) or Rubin Kazan (6 points). Kazan travel to Barcelona (where they won last year) while Copenhagen host Panathinaikos.

Group E- Bayern Munich have won the group, and Cluj are eliminated. Roma (9 points) and Basel (6 points) are both still in play for the second spot. Basel's chances seem slim, however, as they must win in Munich and see Roma lose at Cluj to advance.

Group F- Everything has been decided. Chelsea won the group, Marseille finish second, Spartak Moscow are headed for the Europa League, and Zilina are headed home.

Group G- Only the Europa League spot is left to play for, as Real Madrid have won the group, and AC Milan have clinched second. Ajax (4 points) plays at Milan, and Auxerre (3 points) plays at Madrid.

Group H- Everything is left to play for here, except for Partizan Belgrade, who, like Zilina and Bursaspor, enter the final matchday with zero points. Shaktar Donetsk (12 points) hosts Braga (9 points), while Arsenal (9 points) hosts Partizan.

Arsenal First: 12/4

Arsenal 2-1 Fulham

A Samir Nasri brace gave Arsene Wenger's squad the win in a fairly even match, and the frozen pitch in Blackpool prevented Manchester United from playing and equaling their result. Thus, the Gunners are in first, which is certainly a nightmare for the Big Bear. At least Spurs beat them a few weeks back.
MatchStat) Corners: Arsenal 3, Fulham 7

Birmingham City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs led through most of the match at an extremely difficult road environment through Sebastien Bassong, but conceded an 80th minute equalizer to Craig Gardner.
MatchStat) Corners: Birmingham 6, Spurs 11

Blackburn 3-0 Wolverhampton

Rovers responded to their embarrasing blowout loss to Manchester United last week with a strong victory over Wolves. David Dunn, Brett Emerton and Ryan Nelsen all tallied for Sam Allardyce's side.
MatchStat) Possession: Blackburn 42%, Wolverhampton 58%

Chelsea 1-1 Everton

The Blues' struggles continued, though they led at halftime through a Didier Drogba penalty, won when Nicolas Anelka collected a poor Phil Neville backpass, touched it around Tim Howard and ran straight into the keeper, rather than avoid him, resulting in a yellow card for the American. Everton were stronger in the second half, and Jermaine Beckford finally converted on one of his many chances, heading past Petr Cech for a point.
MatchStat) Shots: Chelsea 14, Everton 18

Manchester City 1-0 Bolton

City broke the deadlock early through Carlos Tevez, and smothered Bolton's usual attacking abilities the rest of the way, even after Aleksandar Kolarov was sent off for a second yellow card offense. With the win, City held down the final Champions League spot.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Man City 7, Bolton 1

Wigan 2-2 Stoke City

Shockingly, the Latics/Potters match was the most entertaining affair of the day. Stoke defender Robert Huth opened the scoring, and his teammate Danny Collins scored an own goal for Wigan at the half hour mark. Within a minute of the own goal, Matt Etherington put Stoke back in front, before Tom Cleverley equalized ten minutes later. With the tie, Stoke passed Sunderland for seventh place
MatchStat) Possession: Wigan 66%, Stoke 34%

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

All the hooligans stayed home, as all this weekend's matches were postponed on Wednesday due to the wintry weather.

Spanish Inquisition:

Relegation threatened Levante beat seventh place Atletico Madrid, 2-0. Barcelona won at Osasuna, 3-0, with a brace from Leo Messi. Real Madrid, stymied for the first 60 minutes against Valencia, got a boost from a red card to David Albelda of Valencia in the 64th minute. They took their advantage well and got two goals* from Cristiano Ronaldo for a 2-0 victory.

*Note: Ronaldo didn't even need to poach a penalty for either of his goals! Shocking! So, for once, well done...jackass.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Seventh place Roma blew a two goal lead on the road at Chievo Verona, drawing 2-2. Danielle De Rossi was sent off for the visitors after their lead had vanished, and I'm always in favor of red cards for Italian national team players, just because. Leaders AC Milan won 3-0 against relegation threatened Brescia, through goals from Kevin Prince-Boateng, Robinho and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Milan leads Serie A by three points with the win.

Das Boot:

Second place Mainz, seven points behind leaders Borussia Dortmund at the start of the day, lost 2-1 at Eintracht Frankfurt. Team USA man Michael Bradley scored for Borussia Monchengladbach, but when the side was reduced to ten men, his squad blew the lead and lost, 2-1 to Hannover. The winning side moved into third place in the league. Bayern Munich lost 2-0 at Schalke. Wolfsburg and Werder Bremen played to a 0-0 draw when Torsten Frings missed a penalty for Bremen, and four minutes later Edin Dzeko missed one for Wolfsburg.

In Which I Rant About Qatar Hosting the 2022 World Cup (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

I don't mean to be a sore loser about the 2022 World Cup Bid and all, but QATAR!? SERIOUSLY!? For crying out loud, FIFA ignored its own technical report that ranked Qatar's bid at the bottom of all of the final round's potential 2022 hosts. Half a dozen people live there, it's hotter than the surface of the sun, and drinking is frowned upon. Sounds like good times.

Oh, I know, "Bringing the game to another part of the world blahblahblah...". But here's a little secret: people in Qatar already play soccer! Honest! They have a league and everything! Juninho plays there! If FIFA are going to let that rationale determine where the World Cup will be held, then the 2026 tournament better take place in the middle of Papua New Guinea, because headhunters have not yet had the opportunity to experience the joy of watching a 0-0 draw between Switzerland and Honduras firsthand.

At least there won't be any infrastructure problems, right? Block quote time:

Some travellers with flights booked out of Doha International Airport were forced to postpone their planned departures, prevented from going anywhere by the gigantic, euphoric throng of people in the city streets.

One of them, Mahmoud Hassan, told FIFA.com: “Due to the traffic jams, I wasn’t able to reach Doha airport for my flight to Bahrain. But you could see the joy on everyone’s faces. It’s really incredible to see all these people, Qataris as well as foreigners, celebrating the event together.”

-FIFA.com

So you're saying traffic will not be a problem, then.

Plus, I'm pretty sure that the bad guy at the end of Taken is from Qatar. IS THAT THE IMAGE YOU WANT, FIFA? THE 2022 WORLD CUP WILL NOW BE ASSOCIATED WITH SOME FAT DUDE WHO BUYS KIDNAPPED GIRLS FOR USE AS SEX SLAVES. WHERE IS LIAM NEESON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

/hyperventilates

Okay, okay. Maybe I should take a more rational look at Qatar. Let's check the fact sheet, shall we?

Pros:

• Lots of money. By some estimates, Qatar has the highest per capita GDP in the world. The planet’s third largest gas reserves have something to do with this, I’d imagine.
• A MOTHERFUCKING ISLAND STADIUM
  

Cons:

• The average high temperature for July in Doha is 114 degrees Fahrenheit. My research tells me that this may not be the optimum temperature for playing soccer. You can trust me, because I'm a scientist.
  
• Currently, it is illegal to show alcohol or appear intoxicated in public. It may be best for England fans if the Three Lions just don't qualify for this one, then.
  
• Homosexuality is illegal. So much for FIFA's commitment to tackling homophobia.
  
• About 1.7 million people live in Qatar. The attendance for the 2010 World Cup was 3.2 million. This means that Qatar will essentially have to build an additional Qatar's worth of infrastructure just to temporarily service the people traveling to the country for the World Cup. See above block quote for potential issues.
  
• I do not live there, and probably will therefore not be able to attend any of the matches. HOW DARE FIFA NOT THINK OF MY NEEDS.
  

I’m guessing Sepp and company made their decisions upon hearing the pros and immediately disregarded everything else. Money, you say? Island stadium, you say? GIVE THEM THE TOURNAMENT, POST HASTE.

Let's get to the preview...

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

POTENTIAL 2022 WORLD CUP HOST NATIONS

5 (America, Fuck Yeah)

Liverpool vs. WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa
Monday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

Is anyone in the world, besides Sepp Blatter and the miscellaneous other FIFA bigwigs, even remotely interested in the speeches given before the winning bids are announced? Yesterday's announcement could have been accomplished by simply stating "The committee has decided to award the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar." Instead, we have to listen to Sepp ramble on about how "In football we learn to win and this is easy, in football we also learn to lose and this is not so easy...", while I bang my head on my desk and scare my coworkers.

Ugh. FIFA are just the worst.


4 (Australia)

Chelsea vs. Everton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-2

Manchester City vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-2

I never thought I’d say this, but from a neutral’s perspective, Bolton are the most fun Premiership team to watch right now. Don't believe me? Check out their second goal from last week:

Bolton: It's like watching Barcelona, but with Kevin Davies instead of Leo Messi.

3 (Japan)

Arsenal vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-1

I recently read Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad Spurs fan or not.

Birmingham vs. Tottenham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

West Brom vs. Newcastle
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-1


2 (South Korea)

Wigan vs. Stoke
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

Blackpool vs. Manchester United
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Sunderland vs. West Ham
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 1-0

Jonathan Spector for World Player of the Year, anyone?


1 (Qatar YEAH, I SAID IT)

Blackburn vs. Wolverhampton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0


Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Real Madrid vs. Valencia
Saturday, 1600
Prediction: 2-1


Take it away, Ray:

"OH, BOY! AFTER THAT LOSS TO BARCELONA, REAL HAVE GOT TO BE MADDER THAN THE GIANT FROM JACK AND THE BEANSTALK! JOSE MOURNIHO IS STOMPING AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM SAYING 'FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A VALENCIAN'! GET RID OF THE MAGIC BEANS, BOYOS, BECAUSE LOS BLANCOS WILL BE OUT FOR REVENGE! JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN PAYBACK! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN BRAVEHEART! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN THE PATRIOT! COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY'LL BE OUT FOR REVENGE JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN EVERY MEL GIBSON MOVIE!"


From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Schalke 04 vs. Bayern Munich
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 2-3

From what I understand, the reserve team to which Jermaine Jones was demoted is in Germany's fourth division. This means that, potentially, Jones can stick with the reserve side over the next three or so years and guide the team up to the Bundesliga, where the reserves can play the starters. It'll be like JV versus varsity! ONCE AGAIN, REAL LIFE IS JUST LIKE MIGHTY DUCKS 3.


Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Lazio vs. Inter Milan
Friday, 1445
Prediction: 2-1

As have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post a video that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present the trailer to the 1993 film Super Mario Brothers:

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Hoping to further raise their country's soccer profile, officials from Qatari League side Al-Sadd will attempt to sign Ashley Cole. To sweeten the deal, Al-Sadd will offer to pay the Chelsea left back in skanks.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Make 'Em Say Uhh!"
Master P
Ghetto D

This song features a murderer’s row of mediocre rappers. AND I LIKES IT.


Funny Internet Thing

Studs Up provides a look into FIFA's methodology for choosing the winning World Cup bids.


The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue."
-DJ Pauly Delvecchio (MAKIN' ALL THE GIRLS' PANTIES DROP)

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.

BREAKING NEWS: RUSSIA AND QATAR TO HOST 2018 AND 2022 WORLD CUPS

The title pretty much sums it up.

I'd like to thank FIFA for wasting a good chunk of my morning at work. If you see Sepp Blatter's long-winded ass in the street, feel free to punch him in the cock.

Morning Roundup, 12/02/10

Image Credit: Christian Hartmann/Reuters

• The host countries for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups will be announced today at 1000. It'll be interesting to see which nations FIFA feels paid the highest bribes had the most impressive bids. [BBC Sport]

• Manchester City roll into the knockout stages of the Europa Cup with a 3-0 victory over Energy Drink Salzburg, while Juventus fall out of the tournament after a 1-1 draw at Polish side Lech Poznan. [Soccernet]

• Birmingham knock off WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa in the Carling Cup quarterfinals, 2-1. The Blues will face West Ham in the semis, while yesterday's other winner, Ipswich Town, will take on the inevitable 2011 Carling Cup champions Arsenal. [Fox Soccer]

• In today's big Europa Cup matchup, Liverpool head to Romania to play Steaua Bucharest. A draw will see the Reds through to the next round. [Sky Sports]
  

Morning Roundup, 12/01/10

• Jonathan Spector is defensively responsible for two goals scores two goals in United's West Ham's 4-0 thrashing of West Ham Manchester United in the Carling Cup. We have entered Bizarro World, ladies and gentlemen. [BBC Sport]

• At the Emirates, Arsenal beat Wigan 2-0 to advance to the semifinals. [Guardian]

• Lando would like to return to Everton, if his body, and the Galaxy, will allow it. [Fox Soccer]

• German-American midfielder Jermaine Jones has been demoted to Schalke's reserve side, apparently because of a poor work ethic. Granted, this is Germany we're talking about, so what is regarded as "poor work ethic" there probably equates to a very high work ethic back here in the States. [UF]

• The Offside provides a roundup of Ray Hudson's stellar contributions to Monday's El Clasico. [The Offside]
  

Morning Roundup, 11/30/10

Image credit: Daniel Ochoa De Olza/AP

• Barcelona demolish Real Madrid, 5-0. Even some guy named Jeffren, which I am absolutely certain is not a real name, scores for the Blaugrana. [THIS VERY WEBSITE]

• Even more sketchy doings are afoot at FIFA, where Vice President Issa Hayatou is now also under investigation by the International Olympic Committee. [BBC News]

• Bad news for Liverpool, as Jamie Carragher may miss up to three months with a shoulder injury. At least that's what we think he said. [Soccernet]

• Spurs are allegedly in talks to sign Hoffenheim forward Vedad Ibisevic... [Pies]

• Or, possibly... EMMANUEL ADEBAYOR!?

/spit take

This rumor is probably crap, anyway. Right? RIGHT???

[F365]

El Clasico, Round 1: 11/29/10

Barcelona 5-0 Real Madrid

Well, that was certainly a complete thrashing. The match started out with plenty of challenges and tackles allowed by the referee, surprising for a Spanish league match, but eventually he made up for it with thirteen total bookings, all in the last hour of the match. It all changed when Pep Guardiola cheekily flipped a ball that was out of play away from Cristiano Ronaldo, and The Hairgelled One shoved the Barca gaffer, which was met with fury from the full Barca squad and led to yellow cards to C-Ron and Barca goalie Victor Valdes- the latter the two booked for some combination of dissent and leaving his area for the handbags. Later, Leo Messi was booked for a dive, and then was knocked down by a Ricardo Carvalho elbow that went unpunished. At the end of the match, Sergio Ramos was sent off on a second yellow card, the final booking of the match for a dangerous, near-intent-to-injure tackle on Messi, which he then followed post-sending off by shoving Geico Caveman Carles Puyol.

On to the scoring! Somewhat as expected, Barcelona held 67% of possession throughout the match. The question was whether Jose Mourinho would be able to use his Real Madrid squad to pull off the defend-and-counter he used to good enough effect at Inter Milan last year that his squad eliminated Barca from the Champions League last spring. The answer was: not even close. Xavi scored a mere ten minutes into the match after an incisive throughball from Andres Iniesta split three defenders, deflecting off the last and falling to just the right spot to allow him to slot home. The second goal came after almost thirty straight passes led to a cross that struck Iker Casillas' hands but got through and sat right for Pedro to tap in from point-blank range with no defender in front of him. The rest of the first half was locked down as noted above, and the only other scoring "chance" of note was C-Ron attempting a frustrated shot from 45 yards out. Shockingly, it was off target (Madrid only hit the target twice on the evening).

The second half opened quickly again for the hosts, with three separate scoring chances just missing before David Villa scored two goals in four minutes on his Clasico debut, the first in the 55th on a great pass from Messi, though there was a small question whether Villa was offside (these questions were posed fervently by Casillas, which earned him a booking for dissension). Once Villa scored the fourth in the 58th minute, on another great service from Messi, the match was simply done and dusted. The final goal, just preceding Ramos' sending off, was scored by Jeffren in the first minute of stoppage time. It was more of the cross-and-volley style, but it counted just the same as all the others.

Of course, the true joy of this match was seeing Cristiano Ronaldo's version of my favorite type of schadenfreude: Manningface.

Ray Hudson-ism Of The Match 1 (On Lionel Messi's speed): "He could follow you into a revolving door and come out first!"

Ray Hudson-ism Of The Match 2 (On Messi's control): "Like a squirrel on a telegraph!"

The Continued Struggles Of Chelsea, Liverpool: 11/28/10

Newcastle United 1-1 Chelsea

Andy Carroll scored five minutes into the match when Alex tried a backpass that snuck behind Petr Cech and couldn't have been gift-wrapped any better for the young striker. Salomon Kalou equalized at the end of the first half, but the Blues couldn't capitalize on their second half pressure for a winner. Instead of regaining the top spot, Chelsea remain in second, two points off of Man U's pace.
MatchStat) Shots: Newcastle 5, Chelsea 20

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Where to begin with this match? All week, I contended that it was a matchup between Liverpool's terrible play on the road and Tottenham's terrible play in the match following a Champions League game. The Big Bear contended that it was simple: If Gareth Bale and Rafael Van der Vaart played, Tottenham would win. If not, they wouldn't. I suppose he was technically correct.

But only technically so, as Van der Vaart was forced to leave the game with an injury re-aggravation ten minutes in, and when a second injury-induced change came in the first half for Spurs, it looked like it might be Liverpool's day. Of course, I was sucked into belief in the Reds when Martin Skrtel scored in the first half, followed by a few sorely missed goal chances and a comical Spurs penalty miss, wherein Jermain Defoe shanked wide of the left post. However, the Liverpool side that was clearly better in the first half seemed to remain in the locker room, as Spurs shook off their first half malaise and, on a poorly defended run by Luka Modric, conspired to score via an own goal by Skrtel. While I then spent the next 20 minutes convincing myself that a point would be a decent result, Paul Konchesky let the uber-retarded haircut of Aaron Lennon in on Reina, and he made the Reds pay for their inability to finish. Spurs passed Bolton for fifth place with the win.
MatchStat) Fouls: Tottenham 6, Liverpool 18

Postscript WTF: Add to that loss Liverpool being drawn away to Manchester United in the FA Cup 3rd Round after the game. Awesome. /facepalm

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

See the picture above, as both of the day's scheduled matches were postponed due to winter weather conditions.

Spanish Inquisition:

A lot of mid-to-low table teams were in play on Sunday. Eighth place Mallorca won 2-0 at home against Malaga to improve to sixth place. Fifth place Valencia beat Almeria 2-1 on a brace from Roberto Soldado to keep close to Villareal and Espanyol in the fight for the Champions League spots. BONUS: Tomorrow night I'll post a recap of the much hyped and anticipated El Clasico, between Barcelona and Real Madrid, scheduled for tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Internazionale beat Parma 5-2 to move up to fifth place. Second place Lazio battled to a 1-1 draw with Catania, narrowing their gap to AC Milan to three points. Fifth place Roma lost resoundingly at seventh place Palermo, 3-1, only getting a consolation goal from Francesco Totti in second half injury time.

Das Boot:

All four teams in action Sunday are relegation-threatened nearing the mid-point of the Bundesliga season. Thirteenth place Werder Bremen beat fourteenth place St. Pauli, 3-0, behind a hat trick (and subsequent red card) for Hugo Almeida. Seventeenth placed Cologne and twelfth place Wolfsburg played to a 1-1 draw.

Midweek Action:

Carling Cup quarterfinals! On Tuesday, Arsenal hosts Wigan, and Manchester United travels to West Ham United. Wednesday, Birmingham City hosts Aston Villa in a highly interesting Cup derby, and the only remaining non-Premier League side, Ipswich Town, host West Bromwich Albion.

In addition, there's Round 5 of the Europa League Group Stage! Feel the excitement! Wednesday offers Sporting Lisbon hosting Lille, Anderlecht visiting Zenit St. Petersburg, Stuttgart visiting Young Boys (to Arsene Wenger's utter jealousy...zing!), and PSV Eindhoven travelling to Sampdoria. Thursday's features are Dinamo Zagreb at Villareal, Sparta Prague at Palermo, Sevilla at Paris Saint-Germain and Liverpool at Steaua Bucharest (The Battle For Group K!!).

Five For Dimitar: 11/27/10

Aston Villa 2-4 Arsenal

The Gunners spent most of the second half fending off Aston Villa's attempt at a comeback from a 2-0 halftime scoreline, but Jack Wilshere dashed the Villans' hopes in the third minute of stoppage time with Arsenal's fourth. The win sent Arsene Wenger's men into first for a few hours.
MatchStat) Shots: Aston Villa 7, Arsenal 20

Bolton 2-2 Blackpool

The Seasiders had a 2-0 lead on the road in the 75th minute, before Owen Coyle's side got goals from Martin Petrov and Mark Davies to claim a point in what was a fantastically open match.
MatchStat) Shots: Bolton 32 (!!), Blackpool 17

Everton 1-4 West Bromwich Albion

Baggie Power returns! Though both sides ended the match with ten men, Roberto Di Matteo's club was in control through most of the match. West Brom jump from 16th to 11th with the three points.
MatchStat) Fouls: Everton 12, WBA 19

Fulham 1-1 Birmingham City

Fulham got an early second half equalizer from Clint Dempsey (USA! USA!), and two teams that could both use three points settled for one apiece.
MatchStat) Possesion: Fulham 59%, Birmingham 41%

Manchester United 7-1 Blackburn

The Berba put five past Sam Allardyce's shambolic squad, and the Red Devils needed each and every goal to match Chelsea's league-leading goal difference. Man U end the day in first ahead of Chelsea's clash with Newcastle tomorrow.
MatchStat) Possession: Man U 65%, Blackburn 35%

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City

Shockingly, after a great performance last week, Roberto Mancini's team reverted to Boring, Boring City on the road, getting an 80th minute goal from Micah Richards but conceding a an extra time equalizer to Matthew Etherington.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Stoke 4, Man City 4

West Ham United 3-1 Wigan

The Hammers got three points that will be necessary to their chances of surviving the relegation fight this season, building a 3-0 lead before a late consolation for the Latics.
MatchStat) Possesion: West Ham 41%, Wigan 59%

Wolverhampton 3-2 Sunderland

A game that was scoreless at halftime came alive on this goal-tastic Saturday. Kevin Foley scored for Wolves, then the lead changed hands through goals by Darren Bent and Danny Welbeck. Then, Stephen Hunt equalized in the 80th minute and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake scored the winner in the 88th. Wolves didn't move up in the table, but got much closer to the safety of 17th.
MatchStat) Corners: Wolves 11, Sunderland 5

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Celtic blew a 2-0 home lead against Inverness, drawing 2-2 and closing the gap at the top of the table to two points, with Rangers playing Sunday.

Spanish Inquisition:

Third place Villareal won 3-0 at last place Real Zaragoza, closing the gap between the top of the table and the Yellow Submarine to five points. Fourth place Espanyol blew a pair of one-goal leads against sixth place Atletico Madrid, but a 78th minute goal from Pablo Daniel Osvaldo gave them a 3-2 victory and kept them within two points of second place.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

AC Milan got a goal from Robinho in a 1-1 draw at Sampdoria, opening their lead atop Serie A to four points. Fourth place Juventus got an 81st minute equalizer against Fiorentina to move u up to third on goal difference.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund extended their league lead to seven points with a 4-1 victory over Monchengladbach. Third place Bayer Leverkusen was held to a 2-2 draw at Hoffenheim, and are now eleven points back.

Morning Roundup, 11/24/10

Image credit: guardian.co.uk

• Arsenal fall to Braga, 2-0, dropping the Gunners to second place in Group H. Even worse for the London side: captain Cesc Fabregas will miss up to three weeks with a hamstring injury picked up during the loss. As always, Arsene Wenger is gracious in defeat. [BBC Sport]

• Chelsea clinch the top spot in Group F after beating MSK Zilina 2-1 at the Bridge. [Guardian]

• Other results include Milan and Marseille booking their places in the last 16, Roma coming back from 2 goals down to beat Bayern, and Real Madrid cruising past Ajax. [Soccernet]

• Today's Champions League matches include United and Tottenham looking to advance into the next round with matches against Rangers and Werder Bremen, respectively. [Sky Sports]

• The US under-20 squad has secured the services of former German under-17 captain Fabian Hürzeler. Naturally, this is waaaaay different than what Giuseppe Rossi did... [Yanks Abroad]

Programming note: I'm going to be away for the holiday, so the Morning Roundups and Weekend Preview Bonanza will not be back until next week. Apologies if your life has now lost all meaning.

Morning Roundup, 11/23/10

Image credit: Soocer by Ives

• A belated congratulations to the Colorado Rapids, who topped FC Dallas in 2-1 extra time Sunday night to capture the MLS Cup. Conor Casey was named MVP of the final after being big and bald, and also scoring a goal. [SBI]

• A late Mikel Arteta goal gives Everton a 2-2 draw at Sunderland. [BBC Sport]

• Emmanuel Adebayor claims that he will be loaned to Juventus in January. The deal will leave Manchester City depleted up front, with only 31 forwards remaining on the team. [Soccernet]
  

• The Champions League returns this afternoon, with Arsenal taking on Braga in Portugal, and Ajax hosting Real Madrid, amongst a slew of other matches. [Sky Sports]
  

Boring, Boring City: 11/21 In Review

Blackburn 2-0 Aston Villa

Norwegian Morten Gamst Pedersen scored both goals for Rovers, and the three points moved them from the danger of 16th to the relative safety of 11th.

Fulham 1-4 Manchester City

As the away fans sarcastically sang, and Diego Maradona looked on from the stands, City scored early and were unstoppable on the counter-attack, getting three goals from Maradona's countrymen (Tevez and Zabaleta) to cruise to victory. The Citizens would seem to be title contenders, if only they looked this good more often than once every four matches. The win took them fourth, three points off the pace of Chelsea and Manchester United.

Spanish Inquisition:

Fifth place Sevilla got an 88th minute equalizer from Luis Fabiano, but lost 2-1 to Mallorca on a stoppage time tally from Pierre Webo. Sixth place Espanyol romped past Hercules, 3-0. Seventh place Atletico Madrid got four second half goals from Diego Forlan, Sergio Aguero and Simao to beat eighth place Real Sociedad, 4-2.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Fifth place Juventus defeated Genoa 2-0 to move up to fourth. Second placed Lazio was held to
a 1-1 draw at Parma, and the gap between they and leaders AC Milan is three points. Sixth placed Inter Milan lost 2-1 at Chievo Verona. Fourth place Napoli beat Bologna, 4-1, thanks to a brace from Marek Hamsik, and moved up to third place.

Das Boot:

Both of Sunday's matches featured teams near or at the bottom of the Bundesliga. FC Cologne got a 1-0 victory at Stuttgart, thanks to a penalty for Lukas Podolski, to move up from eighteenth to seventeenth. St. Pauli and Wolfsburg played to a 1-1 draw, thanks to a second half equalizer from Edin Dzeko.

Midweek:

Champions League Group Stage- Round 5. Featured matches include Bayern Munich at Roma, Real Madrid at Ajax Amsterdam, Werder Bremen at Tottenham, Lyon at Schalke, and Manchester United at Rangers.

Congrats To The Big Bear: 11/20 In Review

Van der Vaart and Gareth Bale are either excited about the win, or terrified of an onrushing horde of zombies.

Arsenal 2-3 Tottenham

See the previous post for The Big Bear's understandably semi-delirious live blog of the action. I would put this question to him, though: Which match brought you (and other Spurs fans like you) more joy, this win, or the dismantling of Inter Milan at White Hart Lane?

Birmingham City 1-0 Chelsea

While this is a tough fixture for even the biggest clubs, Chelsea had a boat load of chances to grab the points and reassert their strength at the top of the league, and they simply failed. Credit to the non-London Blues and Lee Bowyer for scoring the winner and holding on for 75 agonizing minutes.

Blackpool 2-1 Wolverhampton

The winning goal for Blackpool came as a result of poor goalkeeping from USA's Marcus Hahnemann, allowing an easy tap-in for Marlon Harewood.

Bolton 5-1 Newcastle United

Notlob are in fourth place (Hello Champions League!) after destroying Newcastle at the Reebok. Two goals for Johan Elmander and two penalties converted by Kevin Davies helped them to that result.

Manchester United 2-0 Wigan

Already down 1-0, Wigan saw Antolin Alcaraz and Hugo Rodallega each sent off inside of a three minute span in the second half, and it's a testament to the Red Devils' struggles that they only added one goal on with a considerable advantage at home. Much as I hate his Mexican ass, Javi Hernandez did convert a nice header for ManU's second. Thanks to Chelsea's loss, Fergie's side are now level on points with the reigning champions atop the table.

West Bromwich Albion 0-3 Stoke City

A late brace from Jonathan Walters extended the scoreline out from the tame affair that preceded it. Stoke creep back into the top half of the table, and the Baggies continue to slide back toward the bottom three.

Liverpool 3-0 West Ham United

And I thought Liverpool were a poor team this year...my God, the Hammers were completely toothless and uniterested from the first minute to the last. Glen Johnson, not even having to bother with his usual failed attempts at defending, scored the opener, with a Dirk Kuyt penalty and a MAXI! header rounding out the scoreline.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Rangers won away to Kilmarnock, 3-2, to extend their league lead to three points, as their only title rivals, Celtic, dropped points at home in a 1-1 draw. Their opponents, Dundee United, scored the equalizer in second half stoppage time.

Spanish Inquisition:

Giuseppe Rossi scored the tying goal in third place Villareal's 1-1 draw with fourth place Valencia. The draw seems likely to make the Spanish League title race into a two-teamer once again, as Barcelona dropped five first half goals on relegation-threatened Almeria in a 8-0 victory, and Real Madrid leads Athletic Bilbao 4-1 in the 70th minute.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Roma won, 2-0, against Udinese to move into third place for a day. Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Ray Hudson codename: The Magnificent Nose) scored for Milan in their 1-0 win against Fiorentina.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund came from 1-0 down to win at Freiburg, 2-1, and maintain their seven point lead. Mainz moved back up to second place by coming back from 2-1 down in the 75th minute to beat Monchengladbach, 3-2. In the featured match of the Bundesliga weekend, second place Bayer Leverkusen and fifth place Bayern Munich played to a 1-1 draw.

North London Derby Liveblogapalooza

It's the North London Derby! Will Arsenal roll into first place? Will Tottenham's traveshambolic defense magically hold up? Will I have to reset my router when some important event occurs? Is 745 too early to start drinking heavily? All these answers AND MORE in today's liveblog!

Hit your browser's refresh button to update.

T-15 min: Apparently Thierry Henry is in the building. I smell some sort of WWE-type scenario where he is called out of the stands to take on William Gallas in a ladder match.

T-14 min: Our commentators for the day are Adrian Healey and Efan Ekoku. WHERE IS IAN DARKE!?

T-7 min: Your lineups:

Arsenal: Fabianski, Sagna, Squillaci, Koscielny, Clichy, Song, Denilson, Nasri, Fabregas, Arshavin, Chamakh. Subs: Szczesny, Rosicky, van Persie, Walcott, Wilshere, Djourou, Eboue.

Tottenham: Gomes, Hutton, Gallas, Kaboul, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Modric, Bale, Van der Vaart, Pavlyuchenko. Subs: Cudicini, Bentley, Palacios, Crouch, Defoe, Bassong, Corluka.

T-5 min: Piece of shit router reset count: 1

T-1 min: Small lesbian Samir Nasri ignores William Gallas in the handshake line. CONTROVERSY!

AND WILLIAM GALLAS IS SPURS' CAPTAIN ON THE DAY!? DO NOT WANT.

0:00: And we're off.

0:30: Less than a minute into the game, and I've nearly shat myself. Nasri breaks through Spurs' defense, and only a last-ditch tackle by his mortal enemy William Gallas stops the Arsenal man.

2:30: First shot on goal of the game, and it's for Spurs. Bale manages to get a foot on Van Der Vaart's corner, but it is a comfortable save for Fabianski.

5:30: Nice move for Arsenal, as Nasri chips over several several Spurs defenders to Fabregas, whose acute-angle shot is saved by Gomes.

6:45: Kaboul follows my primary defensive strategy, hoofs it out of the box.

8:28: GOAL: ARSENAL 1-0 TOTTENHAM. Remember earlier, when I mentioned Spurs' traveshambolic defending? Well I was not lying. An indecisive Gomes spills a ball put into the box, and the little lesbian is there to capitalize. Assou-Ekotto really should have cleared it off the goal line to boot...

And now I remember why I didn't want to wake up for this one.

12:00: Yellow card: Bacary Sagna is in the book for a slide tackle on Gareth Bale. Spurs immediately give the ball away, and referee Phil Dowd does a nifty little hop over the ball to get out of the way as Arsenal counter.

16:00: Despite leading in possession (which I find dubious), Spurs are playing like crap. This is not looking pretty.

18:30: Fabregas sends a dangerous free kick into the box, but Koscielny can't get a head on it. Null and void, as he was offside, anyway.

19:00: Gallas tries to do it all himself with a surging run down the middle of the pitch, but his effort ends in nothing as he is pushed off the ball and turns it over.

21:45: Arsenal string together a dozen passes before Fabregas screws a shot wide.

23:30 Squilacci runs over Pavlyuchenko to give Spurs a free kick in a dangerous position...

24:00: And it comes to nothing. A subsequent Spurs corner is pinged around the Arsenal end before Kaboul heads wide.

26:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-0 TOTTENHAM Pavlyuchenko inadvertently starts an Arsenal attack after he stretches to keep in a hopeful cross. Arsenal fly down the field, and it looks like doucheface Marouane Chamakh gets the last touch.

29:30: Modric sends a rasping effort towards the Arsenal goal, but it is saved by Fabianski. 30 seconds later, Van Der Vaart shoots high and wide from 35 yards. There was really no sense in that one.

33:00: Apparently Jermaine Jenas is playing today. I had no idea. PROVE ME WRONG, JJ.

36:00: Harry Redknapp was a boyhood Arsenal fan? I smell a conspiracy!

39:00: Arshavin lobs a free kick directly to Heurelho Gomes. From the ensuing attack, Spurs win a a couple of corners, and a nice move by the Lilywhites ends with a Pavlyuchenko shot ricocheting off an Arsenal defender's head.

44:00: Spurs counter-attack after breaking up a Arsenal counter-attack. Spurs turn the ball over, but Arsenal fail to counter-attack this time, because you can't triple-stamp a double-stamp.

45:00 +2: And that's the end of the first half. I'll leave you to work off your Four Loko hangovers, and I'll be back for the second half.

Halftime entertainment:

And we're back. Jermain Defoe comes on for Tottenham to replace the ineffective Aaron Lennon.

47:00: I chuckled after Efan Ekoku said that Fabregas was "trying to pull out". I am an 11-year-old.

49:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-1 TOTTENHAM Adrian Healey calls it a "sweeping Spurs move", and he is right. Spurs move down the field quickly, and a Van Der Vaart pass finds Bale, who puts it past Fabianski with the outside of his left foot. COME ON YOU SPURS.

As if I had any sense of objectivity to begin with...

53:30: Assou-Ekotto very nearly finds Defoe with a 60-yard pass, but an Arsenal defender (Clichy?) juuuust gets a foot in the way.

55:30: A Luka Modric shot beats Fabianski, but is a foot over the bar. Arsenal still look comfortable on the ball, but Spurs have certainly made a game of it now.

60:00: The Gunners look very dangerous going forward. Chamakh wins a free kick in a dangerous position...

61:00: Which is driven straight into the wall.

62:30: Thought question: if Ledley King tackles Robin Van Persie, who gets injured first?

65:00: Spurs have a free kick just outside the box after a questionable foul by Song on Modric. AND IT'S A HANDBALL BY FABREGAS! PENALTY!

66:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-2 TOTTENHAM Van Der Vaart confidently puts it past Fabianski, gets a yellow card(?) in the process. Shit just got real.

67:00: Robin Van Persie has come on for Chamakh. I predict he scores a goal, picks up an injury, or both.

70:00: Squilacci knocks it past Gomes following an Arsenal free kick, but the goal is called off for offside.

73:00: Arsenal have responded very well to Tottenham's goal, and are playing with a real sense of urgency. Crouch replaces Pavlyuchenko.

76:15: Walcott and Rosicky on for Arshavin and Nasri. Arsenal attack following the substitution, and Gomes makes a fantastic save to deny Fabregas.

77:00: Koscielny has a wide-open header, but he nods over. Squeaky bum time.

80:45: Sebastien Bassong is substituted in for William Gallas. Or not. Fabianski whiffs at a Bale cross, but Spurs can't get a foot on the ball, and it is cleared to safety.

84:00: Yellow Card: Laurent Koscielny scythes down Bale with a late tackle.

85:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-3 TOTTENHAM Younes Kaboul gets a head on the ensuing free kick. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

87:00: Okay, so the Gallas substitution didn't happen. Wilison Palacios has instead come on for Van Der Vaart. Adrian Healey is doing his damndest to stat curse Spurs.

89:00: Walcott sends a shot over the bar from inside the box. 5 minutes of stoppage time.

90:00 +1: Bale wins a free kick to the left of Arsenal's box. Assou-Ekotto takes it to the corner in an attempt to run out the clock.

90:00 +4: Spurs using my patented "hoof it out" strategy. Well played, boys.

90:00 +5: FINAL: ARSENAL 2-3 TOTTENHAM And Spurs win away at Arsenal for the first time since 1993. I really did not see this one coming. Adrian Healey remarks that the Tottenham players are celebrating as if they had won the title. I am, too, which is probably a sadder notion.

Enjoy your weekend, folks. And stay away from Four Loko. That shit will mess you up.

The Big Bear's Abbreviated Weekend Preview Sort-of Bonanza: Week of 11/19/2010

Sorry, folks. I haven't had the time to make up a full weekend preview for this week, so, instead, I present the following half-assed version.

Premier League Match of the Week

Arsenal vs. Tottenham
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 3-1

Ah, the North London Derby. There's nothing quite like it.

/alternates between drinking whiskey and Pepto Bismol


Other, Less Important, Premier League Matches

Bolton vs. Newcastle
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

Birmingham vs. Chelsea
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

Blackpool vs. Wolverhampton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Manchester United vs. Wigan
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0

West Brom vs. Stoke
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Liverpool vs. West Ham
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 3-1

Blackburn vs. WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-2

Fulham vs. Manchester City
Sunday 1100
Prediction: 1-2

Sunderland vs. Everton
Monday, 1500
Prediction: 2-2


Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Villareal vs. Valencia
Saturday, 1200
Prediction: 2-2

Take it away, Ray:

"VALENCIA BETTER WATCH OUT, BECAUSE THE YELLOW SUBMARINE ARE GONNA BE FIRING ALL THEIR TORPEDOES IN THIS ONE! AND VILLAREAL'S TORPEDOES ARE EVEN BETTER THAN NORMAL TORPEDOES! THEY'RE LIKE THAT TORPEDO IN TOMORROW NEVER DIES THAT HAS THOSE ROTATING TEETH AND CAN CHANGE DIRECTIONS WITH THE FLICK OF A JOYSTICK!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Bayer Leverkusen vs. Bayern Munich
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 1-2

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

AC Milan vs. Fiorentina
Saturday, 1445
Prediction: 3-1

As I have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post something that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present:

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

(see what I did, there)

"A crow comes and it starts quacking at us... or not quacking, what does a crow do?"
-Snooki

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.