Morning Roundup, 04/28/09

• Champions League semifinal action kicks off today with Barcelona v Chelsea at the Camp Nou. It's sure to be as intense as a fight between Slater and Zack Morris. [Sky Sports]
• Cue the sad trombone for Newcastle: the Barcodes can only manage a 0-0 draw at home against Pompey, leaving them 3 points form safety with only 4 matches left. [BBC Sport]
• Jurgen Klinsmann is now unemployed. DAMN YOU, ECONOMY! [SBI]
• Man City is prepared to drop a cool 40 million pounds for Samuel Eto'o. [Guardian]

Morning Roundup, 04/23/09

If he fails as a manager, Roy Keane can always take up a job creeping the hell out of everyone.

• Ipswich Town appoint Roy Keane as manager. How many "Tractor Roy" headlines will we see today? [Sky Sports]
• Carlos Tevez will likely leave United this Summer. Click the link for the article, stay for the hilarious lead photo. [Guardian]
• In other Man Yoo news, the Red Devils move back into first with a 2-0 win at home over Pompey. [BBC Sport] 
• Meanwhile, Chelsea are effectively removed from the title chase with a 0-0 draw with Everton at Stamford Bridge. [Times]
• Hate Ronaldo? Fan of schadenfreude? Here's a montage for you. [Dirty Tackle]

Morning Roundup, 04/22/09

Hold on, there's something stuck in my teeth...

• Pretty sneaky, sis: Andrey/Andrei Arshavin connects four (yes, I know it's a stretch) as the Gunners draw 4-4 with Liverpool at Anfield. [BBC Sport]
• And you thought we could go a few months without mentioning Goldenballs...  Harry Redknapp is reported to be weighing up a move for David Beckham. [The Sun]
• In today's shocking news, Inter could cut Adriano. Who knew that going AWOL would get you canned? [Goal.com]
• And Michael Owen is kind of a douchebag... [Unprofessional Foul]

Morning Roundup, 04/21/09

DAMN YOU, GRASS!

• Both Arsenal and United lost their FA cup semifinal matches. Clearly, only a poorly-maintained pitch could have brought about these results.  [BBC Sport]
• Craig Bellamy to miss the rest of the season with an knee injury, which seriously affects City's bid for the Premier League title. [Sky Sports]
• Darren Bent throws down an ultimatum for Tottenham management, threatening to quit the club if he does not receive sufficient playing time. Harry Redknapp is already lining up a potential replacement in the form of his wife. [Guardian]

Morning Roundup, 04/16/09

• Ronaldo golazo pushes United past Porto and into the Champions League semis, 1-0. [Guardian]
• An impressive Arsenal side rolls over Villareal at the Emirates, 3-0. I blame Giuseppe Rossi. [Sky Sports]
• Avram Grant is allegedly in the running to be Russian national team's next manager. [Daily Mail] 
• This rumor, of course, gives me the opportunity to run the following . gif: 

Morning Roundup, 04/15/09

• In a match crazier than Jim Cramer, Chelsea move on to the Champions League semis via a 4-4 draw with Liverpool at the Bridge.  [Sky Sports]
• Franck Ribery scores against his future club as Bayern draw 1-1 with Barca (but still lose 5-1 to the Catalans on aggregate). [Guardian]
• Today marks the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, when 96 Liverpool supporters were crushed to death during an FA Cup semifinal. [BBC Sport] 
• For a day, we are all Porto fans: United take on Porto at the Dragao, essentially needing a win to progress. [Fox Soccer]

Morning Roundup, 04/14/09

• The second leg of Champions League quarterfinals kicks off today. You know what that means: MORE UNNECESSARY AC SLATER! [Fox Soccer]
• The rich get richer: Barcelona to sign Bayern star Franck Ribery this summer. [Telegraph]
• And the poor get poorer: Luton Town officially relegated to non-league soccer. A thirty point deduction will do that, I suppose. [Guardian]
• Basically everyone on Man United nominated for PFA Player of the year. Oh, and Stevie G, too. [Sky Sports]

Weekend In Review Is Haunted By Federico Macheda: 4/13

So, since Liverpool is already done before their Champions League match even starts at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday, I was hopeful that the Reds might at least be able to make a final push to win the league this year. When I saw Liverpool cruise to an easy victory this morning, and then subsequently saw Sunderland battle back against ManU, things were looking good. That is, until sudden Italian wunderkind Federico Macheda came on to the pitch. Much as he saved the Red Devils last week against Aston Villa, Manchester's new hero took almost no time putting his team in front for good.

In the interest of being civil, all I will say is this has reaffirmed my hatred for all things related to Italian soccer. Seriously, had I used blastbao's Photoshop skillz to put an attractive woman next to Mr. Macheda in the above picture, it would be a sureshot to feature on hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

Liverpool 4-0 Blackburn

I think this might have been the first time all season the Reds actually demolished a team they were supposed to demolish, so congrats!

Chelsea 4-3 Bolton

The Blues raced out to a four goal lead and barely held on for the win. Is this a sign of hope for Liverpool on Tuesday????????? No. No it is not.

Middlesbrough 3-1 Hull City

Boro finally gets a win with their backs securely against the wall, and needs continued efforts like this to have any hope of staying up and ruining Liverpool's 2010 chances of winning the league title.

Portsmouth 2-2 West Bromwich Albion

The Baggies aren't mathematically dead, but at least they're trying their damndest to stay up. Unfortunately they need wins, not draws, to have a fighting chance.

Sunderland 1-2 Manchester United

Taste the sadness, Michael.

Tottenham 1-0 West Ham United

Spurs temporarily jumped to eighth place overall, and are officially back in contention for next year's UEFA Cup!!!!

Wigan 1-4 Arsenal

The Gunners are actually rounding into superb form late in the year, and, on form, they might be the new favorites to make the Champions League final from their half of the draw.

Stoke City 1-1 Newcastle

ZOMG ALAN SHEARER IS A TYNESIDE HERO ONCE AGAIN!!!1!!1!!ONE!!

Aston Villa 3-3 Everton

The Villans pull a come-from-behind point in an early Sunday goalfest.

Manchester City 1-3 Fulham

Clint Dempsey scores a brace for the Londoners, as Robinho once again exhibited as much influence over a Man City match as the drunk soccer hooligans at Manchester bars.

Elsewhere:

In Spain, Barcelona and Real Madrid both picked up 2-0 victories, which left the Barca lead at six points.

In Italy, Inter Milan could not hold on to a 2-0 lead and collected only one point at home against Palermo (a.k.a. the Pink McDonald's Team of Italy). However, Juventus lost to Genoa later in the day, and the Inter lead expanded to ten points.

In Germany, Hamburg lost on Sunday to Stuttgart, ceding second place to Bayern Munich, who recovered well from their midweek embarrasment at Camp Nou, winning 4-0 over Eintracht Frankfurt. Wolfsburg grabbed a 2-1 road victory over Borussia Monchengladbach to take a three point lead over all comers in the Bundesliga. Former leaders Hertha Berlin lost another match to fall five points back, as well as outside of a Champions League slot.

Top Of The Table:

Man U 71 Pts. +33
Liverpool 70 Pts. +38
Chelsea 67 Pts. +35
Arsenal 61 Pts. +26
Aston Villa 53 Pts. +6
Everton 52 Pts. +13
West Ham 44 Pts. +1

The brilliance of Federico Macheda keeps Man U on top for another week, and the clock is now starting to run out on Liverpool and Chelsea. Arsenal is quite comfortably in next year's Champions League, and could even surprise Chelsea for third if the Blues should falter. The Villa/Everton draw is nearly meaningless as both squads are securely in next year's Europa League, and the third spot is currently being held down by the Hammers, though Fulham, Tottenham and Wigan are close on the Hammers' heels.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Portsmouth 34 Pts. -14
Hull City 34 Pts. -19
Blackburn 34 Pts. -19
Sunderland 32 Pts. -13
Newcastle 30 Pts. -15
Middlesbrough 30 Pts. -22
West Bromwich Albion 25 Pts. -31

A fun fact that came out of yesterday's Fulham/Man City tilt was that West Brom have more points at this stage of the league than Fulham had last year at the same stage, which underscores the insane escape they made. I doubt the Baggies have similar capability for a miracle. Newcastle and Middlesbrough are both still able to set their sights on survival, if they can surpass the Black Cats in the final weeks.

Goal Of The Week:
Barcelona score 45 seconds in to their victory over Recreativo De Huelva:



Midweek Action:

It's European! If ever Liverpool needed a performance reminiscent of Istanbul, it is on Tuesday at Stamford Bridge. Bayern Munich need even more help, going home four goals behind to the best team in Europe. The real interest lies on Wednesday, when Man U will likely need to become the first English team ever to win at Porto* to move on to the semifinals. Also, Arsenal heads home with a road goal from a first leg draw vs. Villareal.

*Source: blastbao

Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15. By peaking so early, Federico Macheda is going to be banging soccer sluts every day for the next twenty years, minimum.

Morning Roundup, 04/09/09

• Unstoppable goal scoring machine Branislav Ivanovic nets a brace as Chelsea top Liverpool at Anfield, 3-1. [Guardian]
• Barca demolish Bayern Munich at the Nou Camp, 4-0. Through the transitive property, the Catalans also beat Sporting Lisbon 11-1. [Goal.com]
• William Gallas to miss the remainder of the season with an MCL injury, thus leaving the Gunners frantically searching for someone to fill his role as "giant douchebag". [Sky Sports]
• Eddie Johnson scores two goals in his Cardiff side's game against Derby. Okay, so one of them may have been an own goal... USA! USA! [BBC Sport]

Morning Roundup, 04/08/09

Image from Sky Sports

• Man Yoo draw with Porto, 2-2, at Old Trafford, after being outclassed by the Portuguese outfit. Remember when United's defense was supposedly impenetrable (less than a month ago, if you forgot)?  Oh, how times have changed. [Guardian]
• Arsenal manage a 1-1 draw at the Madrigal as the Yellow Submarine are unable to stay watertight (SEE WHAT I DID THERE). I, for one, blame Giuseppe Rossi. [Sky Sports]
• Liverpool and Chelsea will meet today for what must be the 67th time in the last five seasons. [Soccernet]
• You stay classy, East Stirlingshire. [BBC Sport]

Morning Roundup, 04/07/09

• Champions League quarterfinals kick off today. This has nothing to do with AC Slater, but what the hell. [SBI]
• Sounders forward Freddy Montero is clearly on the path to stardom (and not just because of his 2 goals in 3 games).  You know you've made it in soccer when you're accused of sexual assault.  [Unprofessional Foul]
• In today's shocking news, Chelsea senior players would welcome the return of Jose Mourinho. Apparently, they must like winning the league, or something. [Guardian]

Weekend In Review Is Back From International Duty: 4/6

Blackburn 2-1 Tottenham

Spurs fans are made to suffer through yet another late game collapse, as they could not hold onto a 79th minute lead. Wilson Palacios is your goat, getting the 80th minute red card.

Arsenal 2-0 Manchester City

In a season where it seems he's been relatively invisible, Emmanuel Adebayor reminded Gunners fans of his presence with both goals for the home side. Speaking of invisible, Robinho also played in this game, then went home to piles and piles of undeserved money.

Bolton 4-1 Middlesbrough

The Wanderers did what any decent team should be able to do by beating Boro. Excuse me while I continue slamming my head against a brick wall.

Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth

While it wasn't a perfect result for the Tigers or Pompey, both teams should only need a few more points to stay up next year, so even the single point is valuable.

Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea

The matchup of temporary replacement coaches goes to Guus.

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Stoke City

Stoke City may have clinched a spot in next year's Prem at the expense of their fellow promotees.

West Ham United 2-0 Sunderland

The Hammers get a critical victory toward their European chances.

Fulham 0-1 Liverpool

This game was 91 minutes of frustration and then two minutes of elation. Three crossbars and one left post in the first half alone for the Reds will do that, I suppose.

Everton 4-0 Wigan

With Robinho's inconsistency, you have to wonder why Man City can't use their money to find strikers like Jo....

Manchester United 3-2 Aston Villa

Setting my rooting interests aside, this match was exceptionally entertaining. Having now said that, GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!

Elsewhere:

In Spain, both Barcelona and Real Madrid picked up 1-0 wins Saturday, and Barcelona's lead remains six points.

In Italy, Juventus was held to a 3-3 draw at home early on Sunday, as Chievo Verona fired in an injury time equaliser. Inter was able to expand their league lead to nine points with eight remaining games by defeating Udinese.

In Germany, the mad dash for the Bundesliga crown has a new leader: VfL Wolfsburg, who defeated Bayern Munich by a shocking 5-1 scoreline on Saturday. The Wolves lead is merely a matter of goal differential, as Hamburg won to keep pace. Hertha Berlin, the former leaders, lost 3-1 at home against Borussia Dortmund, and they now find themselves two points back.

Top Of The Table:

ManU 68 Pts. +32
Liverpool 67 Pts. +34
Chelsea 64 Pts. +34
Arsenal 58 Pts. +23
Aston Villa 52 Pts. +6
Everton 51 Pts. +13
West Ham 44 Pts. +2

I really liked the way this was going to look at about 12:40 PM yesterday. West Ham is the club currently in the expected final Eurpoean spot.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Stoke City 35 Pts. -16
Blackburn 34 Pts. -15
Hull City 34 Pts. -17
Portsmouth 33 Pts. -14
Sunderland 32 Pts. -12
Newcastle 29 Pts. -15
Middlesbrough 27 Pts. -24
West Bromwich Albion 24 Pts. -31

The chairs are starting to fill up quickly with only seven matches remaining for most teams, and it's going to take a minor miracle for Alan Shearer to save Newcastle from the drop. Stoke and Blackburn got the two most critical wins in the race this weekend, as they now sit six and five points clear, respectively.

Goal Of The Week:


Midweek Action:

We've reached the quarterfinal stage of Champions League and UEFA Cup, with five English teams remaining in all competitions. Actually, the most disappointing thing from a programming perspective is that the Bayern Munich/Barcelona clash, which probably is the match that has the most appeal for non-fans of those teams, has been relegated to appearing on ESPN Deportes, rather than ESPN Classic. But no worries, we'll all still be able to see Man U beat the everloving shit out of Porto!

Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15.

EXCELLENT

Everything is falling into place...now I just need to recover the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.

Morning Roundup, 04/02/09

• The Hatian Sensation nets a hat-trick as the US hammers mighty Trinidad & Tobago, 3-0. [Soccernet]
• Let's all laugh at Mexico: Honduras rolls over our neighbors to the south, 3-1. [SBI]
• Brave John Terry bravely heads England past the Ukraine, 2-1. [BBC Sport]
• Argentina are demolished by Bolivia, 6-1. It's okay, though, Argentina fans, because Diego Maradona feels really bad about it. [Guardian]
• Alan Shearer to focus on keeping the barcodes in the Prem, as opposed to, um... Winning the league? [Sky Sports]

Morning Roundup, 04/01/09

• "The Special One" accepts Newcastle manager job. [BBC Sport]
• His assistant will be someone with a track record of success in the Prem. [Sky Sports]
• Djibril Cisse named Sunderland's "Man of the Year" for his charity work and skill as a conflict mediator. [Guardian]