But Who is the New Joe Max-Moore (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

Pundits in all sports seem to greatly relish dubbing young up-and-comers as the next “insert star name here”. Here in the US, basketball fans are annually subjected to stories about “the next Jordan” come draft time. Unless the person they are talking about is a physical clone of MJ, said up-and-comer will inevitably fail to meet expectiations. Especially if he is Harold Miner (HEY REMEMBER WHEN HE WON THE DUNK CONTEST AND WAS ON THE COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRADED FOR KIDS OR SOMETHING).

Where was I? Oh, yes.

So, at least in Europe, the new rage is claiming any young Frenchman with North African ancestry is the “New Zidane”. We’ve heard it about Yoann Gourcuff, Samir Nasri, and, amazingly, Adel Taarabt (must have been a slow news day). The most egregious example of this assertionm though, has to be Madin Mohammed.  Who is Mohammed, you ask? Well, let me give you some key stats:

He is French
His parents are Algerian.
HE IS FUCKING SIX YEARS OLD

You know who else was good at soccer at the age of six? Me. Okay, admittedly I was nowhere near as good as this kid, seeing as my best and only move was “taking the ball away from the other team and kicking it as far down the field as possible”, but, at the time, I was considered good for my age group. Since then, my skills have only decreased. Today, I am fucking awful. Six year-old me could absolutely demolish the modern Big Bear (Dammit, he keeps taking the ball away from me and booting it downfield! How can I stop that?).

Now, somewhere in that mess of prepositional phrases and possible run-on sentences lies my point. The kid is six. We have no idea what the hell is going to happen to him over the next ten-plus years. He could, like many children his age, decide to concentrate more on transformers or video games or eating boogers than on soccer. Or perhaps the weight of these expectations may burn him out at the age of 14 and he could end up like a French Corey Feldman. Or maybe he’ll put in hours and hours of training and become a respectable, but not superstar, soccer player. There are myriad possibilities, as, once, again, HE IS SIX.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll lead France to World and European championships and go out in a blaze of glory headbutting some douchebag. I’d bet against it, though.


This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…

SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS

5 (Somewhere in Central America/The Caribbean)

Manchester United v Tottenham: Sunday, 1000
Carling Cup Final
The Beeb referred to this match as “intriguing”. I suppose whoever said this was intrigued by how large the margin of Man Yoo’s victory will be.

United’s defense has more or less a rock all season. So has Spurs’, but, in this case, it’s one that is mostly made up of, like, Talc (LOL GEOLOGY HUMOR).
Prediction: 2-0

4 (Las Vegas)

Arsenal v Fulham: Saturday, 1000
Perhaps Clint Dempsey’s nickname “Deuce” is in reference to the average number of minutes per game he plays at Fulham.

Or maybe poop.
Prediction: 2-1

Chelsea v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Wigan’s strategy in this one should be to blind their opponents with their visible-from-space away jerseys.
Prediction: 3-1

3 (Florida)

Everton v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
Okay, Arteta’s out for the season. By my calculation, this leaves Everton with 7 players at their disposal for this weekend’s game. David Moyes only needs 6.
Prediction: 1-0

Aston Villa v Stoke: Sunday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0

West Ham v Man City: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1

2 (Nowhere, because you are a grown-up and there is no Spring Break)

Bolton v Newcastle: Sunday, 0800
Well, Newcastle, at least you can take solace in the fact that your beer is mighty tasty.
Prediction: 0-0

Hull v Blackburn: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1

1 (Caution: Match Involving Boro)

Middlesbrough v Liverpool: Saturday, 1000
This game could actually be interesting, as the Reds need a win to stay within range of Man Yoo, and Middlesbrough tend to play well against strong opposition. Unfortunately, I am contractually obligated to give this match a ‘1’.
Prediction: 1-1

Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

Inter Milan v AS Roma: Sunday, 1430
I preferred Esteban Cambiasso when he sported a comb-over.
Prediction: 2-1

La Liga Match of the Week

Atlético Madrid v Barcelona: Saturday, 1600
So Atlético forward Sergio Aguero’s wife (Diego Maradona’s daughter) gave birth to a boy recently. I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: HE IS THE NEXT ZIDANE
Prediction: 1-2

Bundesliga Bundesfuntime Bundesshow

Werder Bremen v Bayern Munich: Sunday, 1100
We’re rapidly approaching last chance saloon for Landypants in Germany. See him while you still can, because this picture just doesn’t have the same gravitas when he’s in the MLS.

Prediction: 2-2

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Claims that Mohammed Zidan is "The New Zidane" are proved false after it is revealed the Egyptian striker lacks the requisite "e" to be a superstar.


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo

“Comfortably Numb” (5:18)
Roger Waters (feat. Van Morrison)
The Wall: Live in Berlin


The fact that this song is featured in The Departed only makes it more awesome.


Funny Internet Thing

Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

“You're not wasting my time, I'm just cooling.”

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

Morning Roundup, 02/26/09

Image credit: guardian.co.uk

• Liverpool down Real, 1-0, at the Bernabeu. Madrid now needs to win only  5-0 away at Anfield to fulfill their president's prediction. [BBC Sport]
• Maybe we misinterpreted Boluda, and the Madrid man was instead referring to Bayern Munich, who demolished Sporting Lisbon (in Lisbon, mind you) 5-0. [Sky Sports]
• And brave Chelsea bravely scrape past Juventus, 1-0. [Guardian]
• Over 55,000 turn out for a Champions League match. A CONCACAF Champions League match. [SBI]
• A word of advice to the MLS: It may not be a good idea to award an expansion franchise to a city that has seen the death of NINE-GOING-ON-TEN professional soccer teams. [The Offside Rules] 

Morning Roundup, 02/25/09

• HEADLINE PUN ALERT: Current Real Madrid president Vicente Boluda modestly predicts a 5-1 aggregate win over Liverpool in the Champions League, thus providing the impetus for the"High Five!" headline over at the Daily Mail. Former Madrid president Ramon Calderon is not impressed by his successor, however, as he would have predicted a 100-0 aggregate victory AND claimed to have signed Cristiano Ronaldo. [Daily Mail]
• Arsenal draw first blood in the Premier League-Serie A showdown, outclassing Roma at the Emirates. AH, YAIS. ZEES IS FOOTBALL. [Guardian]
• Inter draw 0-0 with Man U at the San Siro. [BBC Sport]
• And Barcelona scrape a draw at Lyon. Let me get things rolling for the pundits... Two draws and a loss in their last three matches: IS IT CRISIS TIME AT THE NOU CAMP!?!?!?!? (Answer: No.) [Goal.com]
• Fulham overcome Championship side Swansea in the FA cup. But the bigger story is that Clint Dempsey did something! Goooooooo America! [SBI]

Morning Roundup, 02/24/09

• He's discreet, but he'll haunt your dreams: Jonathan Woodagte's goal draws Hull into the relegation scrap as Spurs knock off the Tigers at the KC, 2-1. [Guardian]
  
• The Champions League continues today, if you're a total lame-o and are into that sort of thing. [Sky Sports]
• Worried about Rafa and 'Arry encroaching on his whining territory, Arsene Wenger kicks it up a notch, complaining about both the away goal rule and cup-tying regulations ahead of his squad's match against AS Roma. [Goal.com, BBC Sport]
• Fear not, Galaxy fans. It looks like Landypants isn't performing well enough to extend his stay in Germany. [SoccerAmerica]

Weekend In Review Honors The Cone Zone: 2/23

Aston Villa 0-1 Chelsea

Our own blastbao is no doubt doubly thrilled: Not only does Chelsea win, but they do so under the direction of their new Dutch manager, Guus Hiddink. Sadly, with the passing of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" last Friday, Guus is now officially too late to appear on "Dubble Letter Week". And that allows me to post this video from the final week:



Manchester United 1-0 Blackburn

Because ManU will be champions again soon:



Fulham 2-0 West Bromwich Albion

And I've run out of ideas on how to connect the games to the clips, so here's Conan's day with the Maple Leafs!



Liverpool 1-1 Manchester City

This season hasn't gone well lately for my Reds, so I'd like to see a much more entertaining set of bloopers.



Newcastle United 0-0 Everton

What is more important than this goalless draw? Obama's options for First Puppy!



Hull City v. Tottenham Hotspur

This match doesn't go down until later today.



Top Of The Table:

Man U 62 Pts. +35
Liverpool 55 Pts. +25
Chelsea 52 Pts. +30
Aston Villa 51 Pts. +15
Arsenal 45 Pts. +13

Start sizing the Red Devils up for another League trophy, as Liverpool yet again fails to beat an inferior team at home. Chelsea beats WCIS-endorsed Villa to move back into third, and Arsenal continues to drop points.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Hull City 29 Pts. -15
Newcastle 28 Pts. -9
Portsmouth 28 Pts. -14
Tottenham 25 Pts. -5
Stoke City 25 Pts. -19
Blackburn 23 Pts. -14
Middlesbrough 23 Pts. -18
West Bromwich Albion 22 Pts. -25

The race to stay up is starting to come into clearer focus, as Bolton finally looks to be in the clear. West Brom looks to be locking down their demotion quite nicely.

Promotion Watch:

Automatic-

Wolverhampton 64 Pts. +21
Birmingham City 60 Pts. +11

Playoff-

Reading 59 Pts. +30
Bristol City 53 Pts. +7
Preston North End 53 Pts. +3
Cardiff City 52 Pts. +15

Other Contenders-

Sheffield United 52 Pts. +14
Burnley 52 Pts. +1
Swansea City 51 Pts. +13
Ipswich Town 50 Pts. +11
Queens Park Rangers 47 Pts. +2

Elsewhere:
In Spain, Barcelona lost for the first time since their first match of the Spanish season, and Real Madrid, warming up for their meeting with Liverpool this week, led 6-1 at the end of the first half!!

In Italy, it was wins all around for Inter, Juventus and Roma on Saturday, with AC Milan doing the same on Sunday.

Goal Of The Week:



Midweek Action:

It's the return of the long-dormant Champions League! Tuesday's matches include Atletico Madrid v Porto, Lyon v Barcelona, Arsenal v Roma and Inter Milan v Man U. Wednesday has Chelsea v Juventus, Villareal v Panathinaikos, Sporting Lisbon v Bayern Munich, and Real Madrid v Liverpool. Also that UEFA Cup thingy goes on Thursday.

Important Advice From Max Weinberg:



Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15. Conan O'Brien takes over The Tonight Show June 1st. Set your DVRs accordingly.

Morning Roundup, 02/19/09

• Rooney returns to the side as Man Utd breeze past Fulham, 3-0. For clarification, pundits should add the phrase "If you're a United fan" to their claims that "The Premiership is the world's most exciting league." [BBC Sport]
• HEADLINE PUN ALERT: Vagner Love's goal for CSKA Moscow spawns a dozen "From Russia with Love" statements as his side draws 1-1 with WCIS' official "other team", Aston Villa, at Villa Park. [Guardian]
• The long-running police investigation of Harry Redknapp and his shady financial dealings continues. Redknapp responds with something along the lines of "We only had 2 points from 8 games when I arrived here..." [Goal.com]
• John Nicholson has an interesting piece countering Redknapp's complaints about fixture congestion. [F365]

Morning Roundup, 02/18/09

• Good news for Liverpool fans (and Xabi Alonso, apparently): Steven Gerrard is poised to return from injury sooner than originally anticipated. [BBC Sport]
• In other Liverpool news, Real midfielder Lassana Diarra's pre-match comments have spawned the following amazing headline over at Goal.com: "Liverpool will be hard for Real Madrid." Maybe Diarra should just carry around a recorder and tape his conversations, like Tobias in Arrested Development. [Goal.com]
• It looks like Landypants won't end up with Bayern Munich, after all. Somebody cue the sad trombone. [UF]
• And the Beckham saga continues. [Guardian]

Morning Roundup, 02/16/09

• Eduardo scores a brace (no, not the leg kind) as Arsenal steamroll Cardiff, 4-0. This is the first and probably only time I will feel happy for someone wearing an Arsenal jersey. [BBC Sport]
• In shocking news, Jimmy Bullard will undergo an knee operation after making only one appearance for Hull. [Guardian]
• Quakes sign Bobby Convey. Hopefully his interview with the local media will go a little better than Darren Huckerby's. [Goal.com]
• New York extend Juan Pablo Angel's contract. It's a slow news day. [SBI]

(Abbreviated) Weekend In Review: 2/16

Portsmouth 2-0 Manchester City

I guess Tony Adams was the problem. Or maybe it was simply getting a chance to host Man City, who suck donkey balls away from Manchester this season, that turned things around for Pompey.


Elsewhere:

In the FA Cup 5th round matches, not much was decided on Saturday, as Chelsea was the only outright winner from the five matches on the day, thanks to Nicolas Anelka's hat trick against Watford (42nd overall in England). Fulham will host their replay with Swansea City (29th overall in England), Hull City will host Sheffield United (26th) in their replay, and Middlesbrough will be home for their replay with West Ham. Blackburn will go on the road in their replay to Ricoh Arena, home of Coventry City (34th).

On Sunday, Everton crushed my other favorite team, Aston Villa, 3-1, and Derby County got another serving of Man U beatdown. Come on, Sir Alex, didn't they suffer enough last year??

The quarterfinal draw also took place, despite that five of the eight matches will be replayed. Man U will travel to the winner of the Swansea/Fulham replay, Chelsea goes to the winner of the Blackburn/Coventry replay, and Everton will host the winner of the West Ham/Boro replay. The last quarterfinal will feature Arsenal/Cardiff/Burnley hosting either Sheffield United or Hull City.

In Spain, Real Betis showed that Barcelona bleeds, and if they bleed, someone might be able to kill them. If I had any Photoshop skills, this is where I would post a picture of The Predator's head on Leo Messi's body to complete the analogy. Real Madrid won on Sunday to close the gap at the top of the Spanish league to 10 points.

In Italy, Inter Milan's Adriano opened the scoring a Hand Of God goal (see below) and went on to win, 2-1.



In Scotland, Rangers and Celtic played to a wildly boring scoreless draw, which leaves Celtic two points clear with 13 matches to go. Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink (pictured at the top) was among those booked. I only mention this because he has the BEST. NAME. EVER!

Goal Of The Week:


Midweek:



Following the FA Cup 5th round action over the weekend, Arsenal hosts Cardiff City today in their 4th round replay. Manchester United plays Fulham on Wednesday, and they'll probably be going five points clear at the top.

And the highlight of this week is the return of UEFA Cup! ZOMG!! I would like to take a moment to paraphrase The Big Bear, a Tottenham Hotspur fan:

"Whatever, Champions League is for pussies, UEFA Cup is where it's really at!"

Indeed it is, Big Bear.

One other story I will share is that I work with a man who is originally from the Ukraine. As such, he is a Dynamo Kyiv fan, and he has shared in the past that Spurs' opponent this week, Shaktar Donetsk, is Kyiv's archrival. For one week, he is a Spurs fan, too. Other notable matches include Dynamo Kyiv against Valencia, holders Zenit St. Petersburg hosting Stuttgart, Aston Villa hosting CSKA Moscow, Werder Bremen hosting AC Milan, Fiorentina against Ajax, and Copenhagen vs. Manchester City.

The Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15.

HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT BRETT FAVRE (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

The game on Wednesday reminded me of something:

I dislike ESPN.

To be truthful, I never forgot this. The US-Mexico game just reinforced my opinions. How did it do this, you ask?

Well first, they alw…

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS Brett Favre has retired. He will celebrate by publicly thinking about coming back over the next several months.

DAMMIT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. How could this not wait until after the game? Seriously, the only person to react to this news was probably Peter King, who immediately broke into sobs and had an erection simultaneously.

It’s an awkward time for Peter.

Anyway, the aggravating thing is that th…

STAY TUNED NEXT for Duke-North Carolina! It’s rivalry week! And do we have a showdown for you next!

/talks about Duke-UNC for the next five minutes

FOR FUCK’S SAKE THERE IS A GAME GOING ON. CAN WE PLEASE CONCENTRATE ON THAT FOR ONE DAMN MINUTE?

But wait, I’m going to make an analogy!

Aaaaaugh. Let’s hear it.

Duke-UNC is a rivalry. And US-Mexico is also a rivalry. But not as good. DON’T YOU LOVE DUKE?

Okay, shut the fuck up. You have lost the right to speak. Now where was I? Oh, right. I hate whe…

BOOYAH! /tries to be hip

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH



There is only one Premiership game this week. Under the normal arbitrary classification system, it would be rated like a 3 (THOSE RITZ BITZ WHAT WITH PEANUT BUTTER IN THE MIDDLE) or something, but, beggars can’t be choosers, so you’re stuck with this one no matter what number I give it.

Portsmouth v Man City: Saturday, 1000
Sven’s struggling future club versus Sven’s struggling former club. 

To be fair, neither sucks as much as Mexico. OH SNAP!
Prediction: 0-1



Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing

Inter Milan v AC Milan: Sunday, 1430
People keep calling this the world’s best rivalry. Pfft, when’s the last time one of their goalies was hit in the head with a flare, then?

Oh.

Prediction: 1-1


La Liga Match of the Week

Valencia v Málaga: Saturday, 1600
Valencia became a little less impressive in my eyes when I saw they started Julio Cesar, who was not even good enough for Spurs to start over a goalie who was injured badly enough to be unable to take goal kicks.

Still, who knew Málaga had a team? I thought they were, like, some Godzilla-like monster or something. RAARGH BEWARE MALAGA
Prediction: 2-1


Bundesliga Bundesfuntime Bundesshow

Hertha Berlin v Bayern Munich: Saturday, 0930
I’ll be happy just as long as Luca Toni doesn’t do that stupid ear goal celebration thing.
Prediction: 2-2


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

MLS will not allow David Beckham to sign for AC Milan. The league, in fact, has been so angered by this proposition that they will force Beckham to play for Kansas City. The Wizards' lone fan is distressed by this development, as the cost of his season ticket has skyrocketed to $5,000,000 in order to compensate for Beckham’s salary.


Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo

“Strange Ones” (2:34)
Supergrass
I Should Coco



Supergrass are criminally underappreciated. Go listen to them now. Obey The Big Bear!

Funny Internet Thing

It is Presidents' Day weekend, after all.

Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom

“I’m gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong.”

The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

Morning Roundup, 02/12/09

• Michael Bradley scores two for America and nepotism as the US downs Mexico, 2-0. [Soccernet]
• Spain continue to impress, beating England 2-0. So it's 1-1 in the "Spain and its former colonies" versus "England and its former colonies" battle, then. [BBC Sport]
• While I intended the "Stamford Bridge are taking applications..." thing  yesterday as a joke, Chelsea did not. The club looked at AC Milan's Carlo Ancelotti as a future Hiddink replacement. [Guardian]
• Marlon King charged with sexual assault. But he doesn't even play for Man City! [Sky Sports]
• And, once again, the United States beat Mexico. Just in case you forgot. [Goal.com]

USA v. Mexico - The Live Blog

4:16 PM: Well... as you can tell it's no where near the starting time yet. I just wanted to get this set up and let people know what's going down. I'm going to try and do my best to do this up-to-date blogging junk. Blogspot doesn't seem to have a wait to do timestamping or anything, so I'll have to make my own. Anyways, basically, I'm going to be writing and updating this post as much as possible throughout the game tonight, both with real and fake commentary and little quips and more likely than not, swearing. And probably some run on sentences. Hope you stay tuned! And if you don't, I hate you. Read it tomorrow then a-hole. Oh, and my prediction? 2-1 USA.

6:37 PM: ESPN2's coverage begins with stock car racing from the 70's. Go USA!! I'm going to go heat up my ravioli.

6:42 PM: I get the brilliant idea to fire up Pro Evolution Soccer and see what the result would be according to the game. Results as soon as it's done. Keep in mind this will not even be close to accurate.

6:49 PM: My ravioli is done and the Pro Evo game is at half-time (tied 0-0). ESPN still covering NASCAR for some reason, though I did notice a little "Coming Up" tag at the bottom of the screen referring to the game.

6:53 PM: Fake Eddie Johnson was offsides by about 500 yards. Maybe this is realistic. Wait... he's actually playing? I take that back.

7:00 PM: Yay it's switched over. Brief shot of Team Mexico walking off their bus. How dreamy.

7:01 PM: Fake game ends with a 1-1 draw. Fake Donovan and some Mexican I don't know score. Hmm... Let's see how this plays out.

7:02 PM: The Donovan ass-kissing begins. At least they're also mentioning how good Howard has been playing. Wait.. Beasley is starting? WTF? And Ching up front as lone striker? Just got a text from my friend Luke who suggests Bradley should be fired if they lose and Scolari should be hired in his place. I have to agree.

7:07 PM: Players walk out on the field to some awesomely cheesy 80's sounding music. Is this in the stadium or on ESPN? Either way, what the hell?

7:08 PM: Wait... Hejduk is starting? OK... Fuck you Bradley. Also, the Mexican national anthem sounds funny.

7:10 PM: I love Dempsey... so don't get me wrong, but does anyone else wonder why he always looks like he just decided to roll out of bed and play a game of soccer?

7:11 PM: Nice little montage to USA domination of Mexico in the US. PUMPED!!!!!! RAWR!!!! Oh wait, more commercials...

7:15 PM: Kick off... woooo!!!!

7:15 PM: Nice start by the US, even though the buildup ended in a shitty cross. If they move the ball like this we'll crush them. Let's hope our defense stays as tight.

7:17 PM: OK I take back what I just said. Thank god for Howard.

7:18 PM: Just learned the ref is from Guatamala. This should be fairly called.

7:19 PM: Um... What the fuck is our back line doing?

7:19 PM: Nice free kick by Mexico... Replays show Mexico's early attack the fault of Bradley. Shocker.

7:20 PM: I despise how much Hejduk runs forward.

7:21 PM: Sometimes I hate Oneywu. He's such a bumbling buffoon sometimes... Stupid foul in a bad place.

7:22 PM: And makes passes like that...

7:24 PM: I hate our defense right now. Per usual.

7:26 PM:Nice cross by the Beas... Maybe he's not so out of shape. Ching can't get a head on it though.

7:26 PM: Corner US. Beasley taking it... Thank god it's not Donovan. Nthing from it though.

7:28 PM: I have to pee and it's only 14 minutes in... Blast.

7:29 PM: Giovanni Dos Santos is going to be really good in a few years. Mark it down.

7:30 PM: Nice buildup and a shot from the Beas... I should give him more respect.

7:31 PM: Nice cover from Oneywu... Guess who he was covering for? His name starts with Hej and ends with duk.

7:33 PM: I'm going to pee...let me know what happens...

7:35 PM: What did I miss? Oh free kick USA...

7:36 PM: OOOOOOO... Nice fake out by Beasley but Donovan shoots wide.

7:38 PM: Great showing by US fans. Not many Mexican fans in the stands. We pick our venues well. Plus "You suck asshole," is always nice to hear from the crowd when the goalie takes a kick.
7:40 PM: They're doing a piece on voodoo dolls created in Mexico to hurt Landon Donovan. It's awesomely bad, with it's red hair and jersey number 01. Yes, 01, not 10. Fuck you Mexico.

7:41 PM: Holy crap Beasley is playing well. Another shot but a good save by Sanchez.

7:42 PM: What the fuck kind of clearance is that Gooch? Wake up!

7:43 PM: Nice ball in from Pearce but Landykins can't get on the on end of it. Damn...

7:44 PM: Bad bad bad... but now the counter-attack!!!

7:45 PM: Shot Dempsey but another save... USA is getting closer and closer...

7:46 PM: MEXICAN DOWN MEXICAN DOWN!!!! Pulled hammy perhaps? Castillo is one of their good young players... Good for US, bad for Mexico.

7:47 PM: Castillo is indeed done for the night... Should be interesting to see what Mexico does on attack now.

7:50 PM: Well that was just a clusterfuck on both ends... Build up by US which ends with a counter which ends with a nice Howard save. Also, Dos Santos is nasty...

7:51 PM: Bradley fires away but it goes wide. He should shoot more, really. (Even though I hate him)

7:52 PM: Legit foul, but really? Diving? Get up you pussy...

7:53 PM: Bad place for a foul, though it looked like less of a foul then what just wasn't called on Donovan. Free kick Mexico.

7:54 PM: Howard is a wall.

7:56 PM: Corner USA.

7:56 PM: GOAL!!! Bradley scores after the ball bounces around a bit from a Beasley corner. Looks like a rebound off Sanchez. Nice looking volley.

7:59 PM: DAMN! US almost just had another. Nice little threaded ball to Beasley (nasty) but pushed out for a corner. Nothing from it.

8:00 PM: 1 minute stoppage time. Nice time to score for the US. I'm sure Mexico is starting to think "Here we go again."

Half-time: I think the USA has been playing stronger than the Mexican team, and it pays off with a goal. More possession usually equals goals. Mexico has looked dangerous, especially on the counter, so the US can't just sit back. Our defense has been shaky at times, so I'd like to see that tightened up a bit. Overall not our best showing so far, but I'm happy with the goal. Here's hoping for an equally exciting second half.

8:13 PM: Game isn't back, just wanted to let you know I'm playing Mega Man 2 to pass some time. I want to be a speed run video game player... but I suck. Watch this guy beat Mega Man 2 in 26 minutesor so. WTF!!! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7625378742479412059

Second Half!!!
8:16PM: Kick-Off

8:18PM: Holy shit... nice through-ball to Beasley from Bradley. Both having good games. Sanchez barely gets there in time. He gets dirty. Get it?

8:19PM: Corner US. Donovan takes it (NOO!!!) and it gets fisted (hehe) out.

8:21PM: Offside Mexico. Good thing because the buildup was dangerous.

8:21PM: Gooch is starting the second half off better than his first, which is always good to see.

8:22PM: WTF moment from Hejduk. Foul Fail.

8:23PM: For this game I'm going to change Beasley's name to Beastly. Rawr.

8:24PM: Breakaway from Dempsey but it amounts to nothing. I like his hair.

8:25PM: Dempsey is pissed and it's starting to show. Foul to Mexico.

8:26PM: Marquez is a piece of shit. That should have been a foul.

8:27PM: You can sense that Mexico is starting to get frustrated... Expect to see at least 2 yellows before this game is over.

8:29PM: Just seems that whatever Mexico tries, the US has someone right there to stop them. I like it.

8:30PM: Better play from Mexico (of course), but an offsides call stops them in their tracks.

8:30PM: Medina comes out... I don't know who that is.

8:31PM: Turn over by Mexico results in a nice build but Kljestan loses it. Bah.

8:33PM: Crap foul called on Landy. Mexico is still getting frustrated and our defense is playing better. Looks like they're starting to be reduced to long balls.

8:35PM: And here it comes... Stomping on Howard is nice... FUCK YOU MARQUEZ YOU DIRTY SACK OF SHIT. They get pissed because they don't score when they should have AGAIN, goes off their own player and then a studs up from Marquez on Howard. Mexican bastards. At least he gets sent off. Yellow to Timmy though... hmm...

8:37PM: Does a red count towards my 2 yellow bet?

8:39PM: Did anyone just catch the doubletake fake dive ankle grab by Dos Santos? He then realized Mexico had the ball and was fine.

8:40PM: Ching gets facepalmed. Pretty sure you can't do that.

8:41PM: Mexico is PISSED. Hard challenges, but the US is giving it right back. Mexico getting ready for their third and last change of the game.

8:42PM: Sidenote: Brett Favre needs to shut the fuck up and stop being such an attention whore.

8:43PM: Hejduk looks injured. He'll be coming off soon.

8:45PM: No offense Frankie, but with a bum knee do you really think you should be playing so far up?

8:45PM: It looks like a swimming event out there with all the diving. Where are the bongs yo? (That's a Phelps joke, in case you didn't know)

8:46PM: Heath Pearce shows how he could have a career in football with that kick. Yuck.

8:47PM: Both teams are looking tired, but the US is still by far the superior team.

8:48PM: Hejduk... wtf man... He needs to be subbed out.

8:49PM: The US is starting to get lax in the back. Not good. Messy defending from the Gooch. Thank god for Howard.

8:50PM: Howard makes back to back saves to continue to frustrate Mexico.

8:51PM: Live blogging is hard.

8:52PM: I really don't know why Bradley waits so long to make subs. Altidore is finally making an appearance though. US fans should be happy.

8:53PM: Altidore for Ching. No surprise, and Altidore should give the Mexican backline some nightmares, especially with Marquez gone.

8:56PM: Stupid Pearce. You can't outrun them, and then a dumb foul.

8:57PM: Clark in for Kljestan. Another no brainer... did nothing all night except gave up the ball in bad spots. Now we have the stupid tackling duo in midfield.

8:59PM: Do we really have no one else to plug into Rightback?

9:00PM: Mexicans accuse Dempsey of diving. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (though it was... shh)

9:01PM: Three minutes of stoppage. Ug.

9:02PM: BRADLEY GOAL!!!!!!! Nice buildup from the US on a counterattack. Nice ball back from Donovan right to Bradley's boot and a powerful strike. Nice goal.

9:04PM: Game. US 2, Mexico 0. Overall good game from the US, but they still have their usual weaknesses: Lax defense at times, sloppy finish (ignore the goal) and dumping it long instead of building the play. However, overall I'm happy with the way it played out and it was nice to see Bradley actually earn his spot on the team tonight. Pretty sure Mexico should no longer be considered the strongest team in our region.

9:07PM: Thanks for sticking with me and my ramblings tonight. Let me know your opinions and ideas for improvements. Night!
~blastbao

Morning Roundup, 02/11/09

• In case you were not aware, the US is playing Mexico tonight. [Goal.com]
• Chelsea have officially hired Guus Hiddink, making it 4 managers in 2 years for the London club. Stamford Bridge is currently taking applications for Hiddink's replacement. [BBC Sport]
• Pompey may hire Sven Goran-Eriksson, providing he loses tonight and is fired from his job at the helm of the Mexican national "team". I love that string of logic: "We'd love you to take this job, but only if you can prove sufficiently poor at your current one." [The Times]
• Peter King expresses disgust at Becks' fondness for Milan. Of course, Brett Favre would never jerk a team around like that. The good folks at Unprofessional Foul attempt to set him right. [UF]
• LIVEBLOG LIVEBLOG LIVEBLOG TONIGHT! blastbao will be here to take you through tonight's game. And yell about the diving. Always with the diving, this Mexico. [WCIS]

Morning Roundup, 02/10/09

Is the Gooch gonna have to hit a bitch?

• THIS JUST IN: The Mexican National Team is lamer than a set of polio legs. Unfortunately, they may actually  stand a chance in this one, though, as we're spotting them Brian Ching starting alone up front. [SBI]
• Oh, yeah, and Big Phil was fired, or something. Who would have thought that Chelsea fans would yearn for the days of Avram Grant? [BBC Sport]
• Guus Hiddink may take over the helm at Stamford Bridge. [Guardian]
• Tony Adams considered quitting Fratton Park. So I guess getting fired was just all part of his plan, then. [Sky Sports]

Weekend In Review: 2/9

Manchester City 1-0 Middlesbrough

Craig Bellamy, the definition of "FAIL" in his time at Liverpool, nets the winner for City. Middlesbrough are winless in their last 13 matches.

Blackburn Rovers 0-2 Aston Villa

Villa sets a club record with their seventh consecutive away victory, and Blackburn looked overmatched throughout.

Chelsea 0-0 Hull City

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Everton 3-0 Bolton Wanderers

Toffees' newbie Jo scores twice, once from the spot, to crush Notlob.

Sunderland 2-0 Stoke City

The Black Cats claim another victory with a pair of second half goals against the 10-man Potters.

West Bromwich Albion 2-3 Newcastle United

The game opened with three goals in ten minutes, but in the end the Baggies were denied a move off the bottom of the table by Steven Taylor's game winner.

Wigan Athletic 0-0 Fulham

The only mildly interesting thing about this match was that Wigan were forced to use all of their substitutes in the first half, due to injuries.

Portsmouth 2-3 Liverpool

Just when it appeared the Reds' luck had run out, and as I was fully ready to declare Man U the champions again, Dirk Kuyt scored from an impossible angle, and Fernando "ZOMG" Torres headed in forcefully in extra time for the win, in spite of his manager's insanity with respect to starting choices and formations.

Tottenham Hotspur 0-0 Arsenal

Eboue sees two yellows for the Gunners, and they manage to hold on for a scoreless draw against their London rivals. Add a hamstring injury to Adebayor, and suddenly Arsenal might be in dire straits. In other highly surprising news, Arsene The Arse complained about the result after the match.

West Ham United 0-1 Manchester United

Ryan Giggs gets the Man U goal, and becomes the only player to score in every Premier League campaign since its inception in 1992.

LOLSoccer Picture Of The Week


















Top Of The Table:

Man U 56 Pts. +31
Liverpool 54 Pts. +25
Aston Villa 51 Pts. +16
Chelsea 49 Pts. +29
Arsenal 44 Pts. +13

Man U battles for another win to stay atop the table, and with their game-in-hand upcoming before the next league match for Liverpool, the current champions are looking like the strongest contenders to take this year's trophy. Also, despite that Liverpool eventually won their match with Pompey, I will say here what I spent that whole match saying: Aston Villa is going to finish second in the Prem. Mark it down.

Relegation Musical Chairs:















Hull City 29 Pts. -15
Newcastle 27 Pts. -9
Bolton 27 Pts. -10
Tottenham 25 Pts. -5
Portsmouth 24 Pts. -16
Stoke City 24 Pts. -19
Blackburn 23 Pts. -13
Middlesbrough 22 Pts. -18
West Brom 22 Pts. -23

Three teams (Fulham, Man City and Sunderland) have escaped the relegation watch. All three teams that were in the relegation zone coming into the weekend lost, so there is no movement there.

Promotion Watch:

Automatic-
Wolverhampton 63 Pts. +22
Reading 59 Pts. +32

Playoff-
Birmingham 57 Pts. +10
Cardiff City 51 Pts. +15
Sheffield United 51 Pts. +14
Preston North End 50 Pts. +4

Other Contenders-
Swansea City 48 Pts. +13
Bristol City 47 Pts. +4
Queens Park Rangers 47 Pts. +4
Burnley 47 Pts. 0

Elsewhere:

Barcelona wins again to stay on top by 12 points in Spain. Barca have 68 goals in 22 games. They have officially proven beyond reasonable doubt that Ronaldinho was the most massively overrated player in the world, considering their third place finish last year with him and their ridiculous dominance without him.

Inter Milan has a seven point lead over Juventus with both winning this weekend. Inter are eight points ahead of rivals AC Milan, who were saved a loss by world-class Kaka against Reggina. Inter and AC Milan renew their fierce rivalry next weekend.

Midweek Action- Fuck Mexico Edition

There are a multitude of international friendlies this week, highlighted by Brazil vs. Italy, Tunisia vs. Netherlands, France vs. Argentina, Germany vs. Norway, Spain vs. England and Turkey vs. Ivory Coast. Take from those matches what you will.

There are also a few World Cup qualifying matches in UEFA, Asia, and CONCACAF. The big match, from the perspective of this blog, at least, will be in Columbus, Ohio, where Team America (FUCK YEAH!) will face off in their first qualifying match of the final round against rivals Mexico. Let me be the first to offer this shot across the Rio Grande:

Dear Mexican National Soccer Players and fans,

Please die. Die in a fire. DIE DIE DIE!!!!1!1!!

Sincerely,
Mathemagician

Hopefully the Hudson Street Hooligans will be out in full force Wednesday night to regulate any goddamn Mexicans that might show up.

Morning Roundup, 02/05/09

• Could Avram Grant replace Tony Adams at Pompey? Possibly, but more importantly, this news allows me to post the above .gif. [Mirror]
• In FA cup action, Everton knock off Liverpool in extra time. ITV, who broadcast the match, cut away during the winning goal. I'm sure everyone appreciated the Tic-Tac ad, though. [BBC Sport, Unprofessional Foul]
• And to add to the Reds' woes (sorry, Mathemagician), Stevie G could potentially miss some serious time. Either way, Rafa will surely let us hear about it. [Sky Sports]
• Man City are slowly transforming into the Cincinnati Bengals. Micah Richards brought in by police for an assault charge. [Guardian]
• And in lighter news, here's Harry Redknapp's latest interview as viewed through TopSpurs' "Harry Redknapp Interview Flow Chart". [Off the Post]

Opinion Post: January Transfers, Beckham and Landypants

So I guess I should start with Beckham, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to talk about the January transfers. They were boring. I mean, honestly, what even happened? A Keane moved from a slightly struggling team to a team that wishes they were doing well enough to even be considered struggling. Woo... Oh, and don't forget some Russian guy went to Arsenal. Right, because that's what Arsenal needs more of... attacking players who occasionally can be creative and not a stronger central or midfield. Whatever... Whine some more Frenchy, maybe you'll win games that way. Anyways, I guess I'll write about a couple of moves that actually peaked my interest.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar moved to Real Madrid, which I guess is kind of a big move. He's Dutch, so that's cool (if you don't know why this is cool you obviously don't know me). Huntelaar is a good striker and I think this might turn out to be a good pickup by Real. He's only played in the Dutch leagues until now, so unless you follow Ajax or the Dutch national team, you probably haven't heard of him. I mean, the dude had 33 goals in 34 appearances for Ajax last year, has 6 goals in 10 this year and was named captain at the beginning of this season, so he's got to be pretty good, right?

Speaking of Real Madrid, they also picked up Lassana Diarra from EPL team Portsmouth. I remember when he was a highly regarded prospect on Chelsea, deemed to be a replacement for fellow French international Claude Makélélé. However, with the rich Russians takeover and shortly after, spending, Diarra kept slipping further and further down the charts. He transferred to Arsenal in 07 for the 07-08 season, who also failed to use him. He then joined Portsmouth in 08, where he actually received playing time, and helped Portsmouth to the FA Cup title. His step-up in play led him to a Euro 08 call up and also to Real Madrid deciding to shell out 20 million pounds for him. Only 23, he's probably a worthy pick.

Oh Jermain Defoe... how overrated you are... And that's all I have to say about that. OK that's a lie. It's too bad, really, but he's never really lived up to all the hype. Here's hoping a second trip to the Hot Spur is better than the first.

Hey did you know that fat Ronaldo got transferred to Corinthians? Yea, me neither.

Another Dutchmen! Nigel De Jong, who I only know from playing Pro Evolution Soccer (or Winning Eleven, depending on what version) got picked up by Manchester City. I don't know much about him expect that he was always a good pickup in the game. So, I guess based on that, good job Man City?

Shay Given moves to Man City as well from floundering Newcastle. I know he's been Englands "best" goalie for a while, but for some reason I always liked David James more. Call me crazy. Plus Shay is a dumb name.

Ricardo Quaresma moves from Inter Milan to Chelsea. OK, you can hate on me for being a Chelsea supporter, and I'm cool with that. But even I will say this... looks like Chelsea got another diving, whiny little bitch. He's also Portuguese, so... you know... there's that going for him.

Big Bear should be happy that Tottenham picked up Carlo Cudicini from Chelsea. He's honestly a really strong goalkeeper and if not for Cech would be starting for them. In fact Chelsea voted him player of the year a few times before Cech joined up. And even though he's Italian, I guess his diving is OK as long as it's stopping shots.

The rest of the transfers I kind of don't care about, except for Altidore to Xerez. I know a lot of U.S. supporters are thinking this is a bad move and that he should be playing with Villareal and blah blah blah. But he's only 19 and he needs playing time now. He got in his training with a world class team, now he needs to get minutes under his belt. Hey, if he scores bunches of goals in the 2nd league, guess what? The yellow submarine will probably call him up right quick. Besides, the loan is just for 6 months... calm down.

So finally, I get to Beckham and Donovan. I know I know, you're all waiting with quivering anticipation. Actually I hope not, because that sounds kind of gross... Anyway, here's my take: If they want to stay, LET THEM! Bruce Arena needs to stfu (look it up) about losing his players. Guess what? If they transfer, you get lots of money to buy other players. Except you're a bad coach, so I'm sure you'll piss it away on someone(s) stupid. Beckham is still a high level player and the fact that a world class team wants him I'm sure is very flattering. No offense MLS, you know I love you, but you can't go toe to toe with a club super-power like AC Milan. Save some dignity and let him go instead of making a big stink about it. He'll be back to the states, even if it's not to play, and you can use him as a marketing tool then.

So on to Donovan. Anyone who knows me knows that I despise him. Hardcore. Being a New England Revolution fan makes me hate him to no end. And being a New England resident makes me hate him and his California-ness. Ug. I hate his stupid chest pound when he scores and I hate the kneeling on the ground before he takes penalties and I hate the fact that he's the U.S.A's leading goal scorer. THEY'RE MOSTLY FROM PK'S!!!!!!

All that being said, I wish him success in Germany. Landypants has had it way to easy in the MLS (again, no offense) and it's about damn time he stepped out of his shell and went overseas. Yes, I realize he's a great player (as much as I hate to admit it) and is worlds above most on the men's national team (Dempsey excluded) when it comes to seeing the field and making the plays that matter. Donovan needs to succeed overseas, for himself and for his country. Nothing but good can come from him being a little humbled in Germany and playing with the quality of player on that team. Donovan needs to bring that experience back to the national team. Anyways, my point is, again, MLS love you but suck it up. I know the Galaxy are your little special pet of the MLS, but for the better of the country do the right thing!!

Morning Roundup, 02/03/09

• Robbie Keane moves back to Tottenham, rejoining fellow returnee and former strike partner Jermain Defoe, who, incidentally, was sold a year ago because he paired ineffectively with the Irishman. [BBC Sport]
• Defoe to miss ten weeks with foot injury. Well, that takes care of that problem. [Guardian]
• Arsenal finally sign Arshavin. Or so we think.  [Sky Sports]
• Beckham wants to stay in Milan. NO WAI [Soccernet]
• The US officially enters the race for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. To host them, not necessarily to win them. Sorry about any confusion, there.  [Goal.com]

Weekend In Review: 2/2

Weekend In Review:

Stoke City 1-0 Manchester City

Rory Delap gets a red card, then Stoke manages to score a goal and hold on through the second half for victory. City only have one more day to spend their fortunes on adding more overrated Brazilians to complement Robinhoʼs overratedness.

Arsenal 0-0 West Ham United

Arsenal continue to drop points, which is about the only league development of late that Iʼve continued to enjoy.

Aston Villa 0-0 Wigan Athletic

Wigan continues to frustrate the Big 5 (thatʼs right, Iʼm inducting Villa, at least for now), and Emile Heskey fails to haunt his former team.

Bolton Wanderers 3-2 Tottenham Hotspur

First, what in the fuck is a Sebastien Puygrenier? Secondably, Tottenham have once again become synonymous with thrilling comebacks (Bentʼs two goals in two minutes to tie the game in the 74th minute) and then subsequently conceding winners extra late (Kevin Davies getting his double in the 87th for the winner).

Fulham 3-1 Portsmouth

The Nuge tallied for Pompey, but only after Team America had opened a 3-0 lead. Itʼs still early, but maybe Fulham wonʼt be needing miracles on the final day to stay up this year.

Hull City 2-2 West Bromwich Albion

While their great start got plenty of attention, hereʼs something that hasnʼt: Hull City have conceded more goals (46) than any other Premier League team. Thatʼs a stat youʼd expect from the team that won the promotion playoff last year, and one you wouldnʼt expect to coincide with a team thatʼs still hovering in the middle of the table.

Middlesbrough 0-0 Blackburn Rovers

90 minutes that Boro and Blackburn fans probably wish they could have back.

Manchester United 1-0 Everton

Edwin Van Der Sar passes Readingʼs Steve Deathʼs record from 1979 for most minutes without conceding a goal. The previous record was 1,103 minutes, or approximately the amount of time you would have to work out consecutively to burn off just a portion of the Bacon Explosion.

Newcastle United 1-1 Sunderland

The Tyne-Wear Derby comes to a draw after Shola Amoebi converts a second half penalty.

Liverpool 2-0 Chelsea

Dirk Kuyt hasnʼt scored in his last 13 appearances for Liverpool. Robbie Keane has been much better than that. And yet Benitez stil favors Kuyt in his starting lineups. Seriously, WTF Rafa? Anyway, Frank Lampard gets sent off an hour in, Torres finally scores late after a flurry of pressure that lasted the entire second half, Jose Bosingwa gets on my shit list when he somehow escapes getting any sort of penalty for kicking Yossi Benayoun in the back when he took the ball into the corner late (see above picture), and Torres finally cleans up the match with a second toward the end of stoppage time.

LOLSoccer Picture Of The Week

Top of the table:

Man U 53 Pts +30

Liverpool 51 Pts +24

Chelsea 48 Pts +29

Aston Villa 48 Pts +14

Arsenal 43 Pts +13

Liverpool finally breaks through and gets a win, and their first season sweep over Chelsea since 1990, to stay two points behind Man U. Arsenal falls ten points behind the leaders, and frankly no matter how far behind they fall, Iʼll probably leave them on this list for comic effect as the season goes on.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Fulham 29 Pts +3

Man City 28 Pts +9

Hull City 28 Pts -15

Bolton 27 Pts -7

Sunderland 27 Pts -8

Tottenham 24 Pts -5

Newcastle 24 Pts -10

Portsmouth 24 Pts -15

Stoke City 24 Pts -17

Blackburn 23 Pts -11

Middlesbrough 22 Pts -17

West Brom 22 Pts -22

Fulham barely remains in the group, being six points above the relegation zone. Hull City joins the party as their great start is falling apart rather quickly. Blackburn, Middlesbrough and West Bromwich Albion are the three sides currently on the wrong side of 18th place, but there are four teams just one point ahead of Blackburnʼs pace, so it is still decidedly early for panic.

For The Record:

Your current promotees to the 2009-10 Prem would be Wolverhampton Wanderers and Reading, with the ensuing playoff between Birmingham City, Cardiff City, Sheffield United and Preston North End.

Elsewhere:

Red cards were the theme of the weekend in Spain. After Barcelona took the lead for good over Racing Santander, Rafa Marquez and Gerard Pique were sent off for the Spainsh leaders. At the other end of their league, Mallorca and Osasuna, both battling to get out of the Primera Division relegation zone, saw an early goal in the third minute for Osasuna, followed by red cards to Mallorca in the 60th and 79th minutes, and a red card for Osasuna in the 87th minute.

In Italy, The Special Oneʼs Inter squad are 6 points clear at the top despite being held by 18th place Torino. Arch-rival AC Milan goes into second with a 3-0 win over Lazio, as Juventus lost a 3-2 decision at home. Actually, Iʼm not sure thatʼs true, I highly doubt there was a game between two Italian teams that resulted in 5 goals. That defies logic.

And, in one weekend surprise, Scottish power Celtic were held to a scoreless draw against bottom-feeding Inverness Caledonian Thistle, which means their lead is two points heading into their next league match, two weeks from now, against Glasgow Rangers, in the most heated and vicious derby in Great Britain.

We Can Rest When We're Dead:

In England, itʼs FA Cup 4th Round replays midweek, headlined by yet another Merseyside battle, this time at Goodison Park. Nottingham Forest hosts Derby County in the other, um, derby replay, and Arsenal and Aston Villa will host Championship teams in their replays.