Dear Pepe:

Please watch the ball flying by to your left, not the goddamned beach ball to your right. Only one of them counts for a goal, and you have chosen...poorly.

Quick Linkage, And The Battle For My Soul As A Supporter

Sorry about the lack of recap coverage this weekend, but, well, I was being a lazy ass! Anywho, just wanted to provide an excellent (and homerrific) link to a solid Liverpool blog, just to show y'all the insane and undeserved Chelsea/ManU love out there among the mainstream, as compared to rampant Reds indifference:

http://ohyoubeauty.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-love-journamalism.html

One other note: No one cares about the Carling Cup. I understand this. And yet, I am compelled and intrigued by the matchup this week between the Reds and the assumed team of my heritage. My parents actually brought my grandfather's birth certificate back from Leeds a couple of years back, and as Leeds United are the only professional club in the city of Leeds, I feel some kinship with that team. Of course, it's hard to follow and support a League One side from the States, so I really don't know much about the club, other than that they sit atop League One at the moment. I chose Liverpool on mostly arbitrary standards compared to that connection.

So who am I supposed to root for? Should I root for the team from the city where my grandfather was born and briefly raised, or the team I chose a few years back because Steven Gerrard is a fucking God? Should I root for Leeds just because the Carling Cup is worth precisely dick, and I'd rather avoid an early season backlog of fixtures? Should I root for Liverpool because we all know a Leeds win means they'll automatically be drawn to play at Stamford Bridge next round in a bow by the FA to the money, power and influence of that jackass Roman Abramovich? No one wants to see Chelsea get yet another cupcake matchup.

I still have no true solution. I guess I'll just root for a fair game and plenty of orange wedges to go around at halftime...

Birmingham Derby: 9/13

Neville was forced from the game, so you know he wasn't just acting, like an Italian...

Birmingham City 0-1 Aston Villa

For a "fierce derby", this match was a pretty tame affair. Gabby Agbonlahor scored late for the visiting Villans to claim victory and move into 6th.

Fulham 2-1 Everton

Tim Cahill opened the scoring for the visiting Toffees. Unable to celebrate by shotgunning a giant Foster's can, he did a strange "fight with the corner flag" dance instead. After halftime, Fulham came out a different team, beating Timmy Howard with an unfortunate deflection and a solid strike by Newcastle castoff Damien Duff. The Cottagers jumped from 18th to 10th with the victory. Everton remain in 19th.

Spain:

Valencia used a David Villa double to beat Valladolid on the road, 4-2, and move into third with two wins from two matches. Also turning that feat was Athetic Bilbao, who defeated n00b Xerez 1-0 on the road. Despite the best efforts of American traitor Giuseppe Rossi, who opened the scoring for Villareal, his team was held to a 1-1 draw at home against Mallorca, dropping the Yellow Submarine to 13th, as they are winless from two matches.

Italy:

Genoa and Sampdoria joined Juventus as the only teams with three wins in three games in Serie A. Genoa achieved this result with a 4-1 victory at home over Napoli to surpass Juventus and take the table lead. Sampdoria got a 1-0 road victory to go third. Inter Milan and Roma also won on the day, moving the Nerazzurri into fourth place, and helping the Romans off the bottom of the table and into 15th.

Germany:

Schalke got a 2-1 road victory over FC Cologne, putting them three points behind the co-table leaders, in third place. Werder Bremen were held to a scoreless draw at home by Hannover, and find themselves in sixth.

Midweek Soccer:

UEFA Champions League group stage begins Tuesday, with the highlight matches Marseille hosting Milan, and Chelsea hosting Porto. Wednesday's premier matchups include Inter Milan hosting reigning champions Barcelona, and Stuttgart hosting Scottish champions Glasgow Rangers. Thursday brings the first day of the new Europa League's group stage, where Fulham and Everton will be in action.

Super Jew Yossi Benayoun: 9/12

Ugly and Uglier celebrate for 'Pool

Blackburn 3-1 Wolverhampton

It's never too early to get out of the "Relegation Zone", and Rovers put on a dominant display against n00b Wolves to get their first win of the campaign and jump from 18th to 13th.

Liverpool 4-0 Burnley

Yossi Benayoun scores a hat trick as Liverpool pwned n00b Burnley. The game was carried on the Worldwide Leader in dropped satellite feeds. Thanks for losing the feed three times, ESPN2, it reminded me of those times I watched Liverpool games with a shitty internet connection on my laptop last year! The Reds move to fifth with the blowout.

Manchester City 4-2 Arsenal

The story of the match that will be covered to death in the coming days was Adebayor following up his goal with a sprint to the opposite end of the pitch to essentially taunt the traveling Gunner fans. Nothing says classy like mocking the club where you built your name, which was what allowed you to jump to another club for a buttload of cash. City go third ahead of next weekend's Manchester derby at Old Trafford.

Portsmouth 2-3 Bolton

A back-and-forth score sheet suggests that perhaps this game wasn't as fail-tastic as you would expect from the two remaining clubs that entered today without a point. Even this early in the season, it looks like it is really going to take a lot of work to keep Portsmouth from being relegated.

Stoke City 1-2 Chelsea

Stoke were certainly up for the game, and found themselves ahead in the first half due to some questionable keeping by Petr Cech, but Horseface scored an excellent strike during the eight minutes of first half extra time, and Florent Malouda scored during the five minutes of second half extra time to claim victory and retain their spot atop the table. Sounds to me like Carlo Ancelotti might be the first manager in many, many years to challenge Sir Alex Ferguson for the title of "Best EPL Manager At Bitching About, And Getting, Egregious Amounts Of Extra Time".

Sunderland 4-1 Hull City

CAT FIGHT! The Todd approves:


The Black Cats got the better of their Tiger counterparts, with two goals from Darren Bent. Harry Redknapp's wife would've got the hat trick...

Wigan 1-0 West Ham United

Hugo Rodallega scored for the Latics to claim victory. **searches for joke, consults Wikipedia** I see that Hugo is Colombian, and he has 7 goals in 21 international appearances. I guess that explains why he hasn't been murdered by his fellow countrymen yet...

Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Manchester United

Jermaine Jenas scored 50 seconds in on a solid bicycle-ish goal, but as the announcers for the game eventually pointed out ad nauseum, Tottenham vs. Man U matches follow a single script. 1) Spurs take a lead 2) Spurs lead does not last 3) The Red Devils eventually win running away. This one had the minor wrinkle of throwing in a Paul Scholes red card after Man U took a 2-1 lead, but- and I still can't figure out how this happened- Man U actually looked at their best with only ten men, adding another goal through Wayne Rooney. The win sent SAF's squad second.

Spain:

Barcelona sunk Getafe, 2-0, on goals from Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lionel Messi, and Real Madrid defeated Espanyol, 3-0, with prancing wonder Cristiano Ronaldo adding the final nail in the coffin in extra time. Stop me if you've heard this script before, but Barca and Madrid are first and second, respectively, in the Spanish table.

Italy:

Milan was held to a scoreless draw at Serie A n00b Livorno, and Juventus defeated Lazio, 2-0 in Rome, to move into first place.

Germany:

Two teams are relatively clear at the top of the Bundesliga at the moment, as Hamburg defeated Stuttgart 3-1 at home to maintain top position, and Bayer Leverkusen won 3-2 at Wolfsburg to retain the second spot. Bayern Munich are charging hard after a poor start, winning 5-1 at Borussia Dortmund to move up from eighth to fourth at the moment.

More Adebayor: 8/30

Allowing Adebayor a free header: not advised

Portsmouth 0-1 Manchester City

Last year, City's biggest issue was woeful road form. While it wasn't a dominant, decisive victory, they have maximum points after a road win at Pompey. Not extremely impressive, but a step in the right direction. They may only have a +4 goal differential from three wins, but they have yet to concede a single tally. This, plus Liverpool's 7 goals conceded thus far, is what I get for making fun of City's lack of defense. Meanwhile, Portsmouth join Bolton as the only Prem teams with no points for the month of August, and they'll play one another in their next matches after the international break. Big Bear, I believe you have your first "Zero Star" rating of the season for your next preview...

Everton 2-1 Wigan

The Toffees took advantage of a late penalty to win a relatively even affair and move off the bottom of the table. Everton seemed to have an edge in sheer volume of opportunities, though Wigan botched a 5-on-2 break at the start of extra time that, in hindsight, could have meant taking a point away from Goodison Park. Everton's early season form looks to have been turned around, just in time for everyone to leave for two weeks. I'm sure David Moyes is thrilled with the timing.

Aston Villa 2-0 Fulham

Let's all get back on board the Aston Villa train!! An own goal from John Pantsil put Fulham in a very early hole, and Gabby Agbonlahor essentially finished off the win in the second half, as Fulham were reportedly atrocious.

Spain:

Valencia took advantage of 10-man Sevilla in the second half to cruise to a 2-0 win to start the campaign. Among other notable clubs in action Sunday, Villareal drew 1-1 away at Osasuna, and Atletico Madrid lost 3-0 at Malaga. Taking the early lead in the Spanish league, pending Monday's results for defending champion Barcelona, was Getafe. The club that finished in 17th place last season, barely maintaining their stay in the top league, won 4-1 at Racing Santander.

Italy:

In the notable early match, Juventus defeated Roma 3-1, with Juventus moving into second place. Sampdoria won, 3-1 over Udinese, to take first place. Genoa and Lazio also won their second match from two, and are off the pace only due to goal differential.

Germany:

In the early match, Werder Bremen defeated Hertha Berlin in Berlin, 3-2, to move to third in the Bundesliga. Later, Hamburg defeated FC Cologne, 3-1, to move into first place at the break.

Midweek Soccer:

None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. This week is all build-up and training to a considerable slate of World Cup Qualifying next Saturday and the following Wednesday.

Clinical Chelsea: 8/29

The lanky robot celebrates his first Spurs' strike

Chelsea 3-0 Burnley

The Blues' strength and three goals all around halftime put them atop the Premier League on goal difference heading into the first international break of the season. This is what happens when you're a Top 4 team that doesn't have to sell their best players thanks to debt issues* or a general lack of funds**.

*See Liverpool, Manchester United
**See Arsenal


Blackburn Yawn-Snore West Ham United

Bolton 2-3 Liverpool

From a few different accounts, Liverpool were decidedly lucky to pull out the victory, thanks to a second yellow to Bolton's Sean Davis sent him off shortly after Bolton had taken a 2-1 lead. Torres scored soon after, and Gerrard finished strong with an 83rd minute winner.

Stoke City 1-0 Sunderland

A lone Dave Kitson strike sends the Potters into fourth. With the addition of former Boro man and Turkish international Tuncay, Stoke are looking like a well-put-together side this season.

Tottenham 2-1 Birmingham City

Peter Crouch opened the scoring with a goal only he could have scored, because only he could get his head to the ball. Birmingham responded quickly after with the aid of a trademark moment of failed Tottenham defending, but City were unable to hold on to their single point, as Aaron Lennon scored at the death to maintain Spurs' 100% record.

Wolverhampton 1-1 Hull City

Hull's first half goal was nullified by an early second half strike for Wolves. Both teams will probably be decently pleased to be on four points from four matches, as survival is the name of the game.

Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal

And here I thought that stealing undeserved results might have left Manchester along with Cristiano Ronaldo. Arsenal were the stronger side in a mostly slow first half, taking the lead through a strong Andrei Arshavin strike. In the second, though, Wayne Rooney manufactured a clear penalty quite suddenly, and five minutes after he converted it, an inexplicable own goal from Abou Diaby, who headed in despite no one in red around him, gave the Red Devils their winning margin. It was not without late drama, as Arsenal looked to have equalized at the death, but a correct offsides call nullified it, and sent Arsene Wenger into a massive bitchfest that resulted in his sending off.

Spain:

Welcome back, La Liga, did you really need to sleep in that late? Cristiano Ronaldo scored from the penalty spot in his debut for Real Madrid, a 3-2 victory over Deportivo which proved what we all knew: Real Madrid cannot defend worth a shit. Iker Casillas is gonna have to choke a backliner before this season is out.

Italy:

It's only the second week, but the first of the Italian League's two Milan Flare-Throwing derbies happened today, and it was all Inter. Not only did they score three times in the first half, but Italian international and general Vagina Face Gennaro Gattuso saw a red card, as Inter coasted to a 4-0 victory and a day in first place. The other thing I learned about Italian soccer today: former Revolution goalkeeper/manager Walter Zenga is now a manager in Serie A.

Germany:

Bayer Leverkusen won again to maintain their Bundesliga lead, while Schalke lost at home to Freiburg to fall slightly off the pace. Bayern Munich got a small share of revenge on Wolfsburg with a 3-0 home victory, lifting them from 14th to 7th in the league.

London Derby Day: 8/23

Everything's coming up Spurs!

West Ham United 1-2 Tottenham

Carlton Cole put the Hammers ahead early in the second half with a spectacular strike, only to set up Spurs' equalizer five minutes later on a horrible back pass attempt. Aaron Lennon's 79th minute winner then sent Spurs back to the top of the Premier League.

Burnley 1-0 Everton

Perhaps I underestimated Turf Moor, Burnley's home stadium, and the effect it might have in keeping the Clarets up. Wade Elliott scored for the home team, and in the second half Louis Saha missed a purportedly undeserved penalty for the Toffees.

Fulham 0-2 Chelsea

The strike team of Drogba and Anelka paired to bring home three points from their West London rivals. Chelsea joined Spurs with three wins from three games, and sit in second on goal differential.

Italy:

Inter Milan got a penalty tally from new striker Samuel Eto'o, but Serie A noob AS Bari drew level again in the 74th minute to force a draw against the defending champions. Among other notable teams, Roma lost their opener at Genoa, 3-2, despite taking a 2-1 lead with 25 minutes to play. Genoa subsequently find themselves atop the table with that result. Also, Juventus opened with a 1-0 victory over Chievo Verona.

Germany:

Despite a goal from former Newcastle forward Obafemi Martins, defending champions Wolfsburg lost at home to Hamburg, 4-2, and failed to reclaim the top position. The win put Hamburg second to Bayer Leverkusen. Elsewhere, Werder Bremen got their first victory of the campaign thanks to a double by Claudio Pizarro.

Midweek Soccer:

Liverpool takes on Aston Villa tomorrow on ESPN2 to finish the Prem's week, and after that there is an assortment of Carling Cup second round matches, the second legs of qualifying rounds in UEFA Champions Leage And Europa League. If you must, you can throw in the CONCACAF Champions League group stage matches!

Man U's Revenge: 8/22

Did Kenwyne have to do a double-flip after his second goal?

Arsenal 4-1 Portsmouth

Arsenal got plenty of attention from their 6-1 drubbing of Everton in the opening weekend. This result was, frankly, about what should have been expected- Pompey are an embarrasment. I would like to thank them for sending Glen Johnson the way of my boys, though! The win propelled the Gunners past their hated London rivals Spurs and into first place.

Birmingham City 0-0 Stoke City

This one had all the appeal of watching paint dry. And probably some failed long throw-ins.

Hull City 1-0 Bolton

Jozy may not have scored on his Premier League debut, but he did set up Hull's winner very shortly after coming on as a sub, and all accounts make it seem that he had a strong all-around first effort. Then again, it was only Bolton...

Manchester City 1-0 Wolverhampton

Adebayor continued to show his worth to his new club with the winning strike in the 17th minute, and, with a little assistance tomorrow, City could find themselves with one of those Top 4 spot their owners are targeting.

Sunderland 2-1 Blackburn

Kenwyne Jones fought the Black Cats back from an early deficit with a double. Not to try to cheapen Mr. Jones's accomplishments, but Blackburn gainfully employs Paul Robinson to keep their goal, so someone was bound to score eventually...

Wigan 0-5 Manchester United

Call this one Manchester United's revenge for their midweek loss to Burnley. Though Wigan looked solid in the first half, SAF lit a fire under his team while they were eating the orange slices their moms brought, and once Wayne Rooney broke through in the 56th minute, the floodgates opened. A mild congrats are also due to Mr. Rooney for his 100th and 101st goals with the Red Devils, and to Michael Owen on his first goal with the club. Good that he got that out of the way before his first injury.

Italy:

Beckhambeckhambeckham's once and future club, AC Milan, took the early Serie A lead with a 2-1 victory over Siena, because only two games were played on the opening day, and the other was a draw between Bologna (delicious) and Fiorentina (a team whose nickname is "The Lilies", which certainly passes for threatening by Italian soccer standards). Both of Milan's goals were scored by Pato, and I'll make a huge leap and just assume that The Gooch played and kicked ass. I don't know where to look to find reports on Italian soccer, and frankly I wouldn't want to know where to look anyways.

Germany:

A road draw on Friday temporarily put Schalke 04 in first place in the Bundesliga, but they were surpassed on goal differential Saturday, when Bayer Leverkusen put up a 5-0 road victory at newly promoted SC Freiburg to take over at the top. Meanwhile, Bayern Munich are now winless in their first three games, following a 2-1 loss at Bundesliga noob FSV Mainz. They stand in 12th place.

Premier League: Infinite Crisis (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

Well, we're a full week into the Premier League season, so you know what time it is...

PANIC TIME!

Across the board, prognosticators are scrambling to fix their season predictions and save some face after seeing the results of the league's first two matches, as these matches clearly determine how the entire season will unfold. In case you haven't been keeping up with the news over the past seven days, I'll give you a quick rundown of the top stories:

-Liverpool lose a match (ARE LIVERPOOL IN CRISIS?)

-Man United win a match (MINIMUM 8-PEAT?)

-Chelsea squeak out a win at home over Hull City (ARE CHELSEA IN CRISIS?)

-Arsenal demolish Everton (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Spurs win their first two matches (IS THE WORLD GOING TO END?)

-Liverpool win a match (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Man United lose a match (ARE UNITED IN CRISIS?)

-Chelsea have a 100% record after two matches (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

So yes, Liverpool have what it takes to win the title and do not have what it takes to win the title. You can take that insight to the bank.

Let's get on with the preview.

As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...

SUPER POWERS

5 (Telekinesis)

Fulham v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100

My boy Clint Dempsey is clutch.

Prediction: 2-1

4 (Regeneration/Invulnerability)

West Ham v Tottenham: Sunday, 0830

Where can I get my hands on a "Tottenham Hotspur: Premier League Champions (If the Season Ended August 21st)" T-Shirt?

Prediction: 1-1

Liverpool v Aston Villa: Monday, 1800

Perhaps it's time we take away our endorsement from Villa. And no, we will not be giving it to Hull, no matter how many Jozy Altidores play for them.

Prediction: 3-1

3 (Super Strength)

Arsenal v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000

This does not bode well for Pompey, who had to use one of their ball boys in central defense last week.

Prediction: 4-0

Man City v Wolves: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Wigan v Man Utd: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 1-2

Burnley v Everton: Sunday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

2 (Optic Lasers)

Like Lasik, but backwards.

Sunderland v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000

If Darren Bent can score two goals in his first two matches, how many goals do you think Mrs. Redknapp would have?

Prediction: 1-0

1 (Lame-ass Fireworks from your hands)

Birmingham v Stoke: Saturday, 1000

It's times like this when I really miss Boro.

Prediction: 0-0

Hull City v Bolton: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Genoa v AS Roma: Sunday, 1445

I'm sure that people of Italian descent and/or David Beckham are super excited that the Serie A is back. People who seek excitement... Well, not so much. Enjoy your calcio!

Prediction: 1-1

Bundesliga: For Your Health

TSG Hoffenheim v Schalke 04: Friday, 1430

Insert David Hasselhoff joke here.

Prediction: 2-3

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Citing money troubles, Portsmouth management has decided to sell off the bulk of their squad, stating "We can play with seven guys, right?"

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Mighty Mighty Bosstones

"Someday I Suppose"

Ska-Core, The Devil, and More

Funny Internet Thing

Seeing as this week's theme is "Super Powers", it only seemed right that I post this classic.

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"My aroma, stick that nose up in the air...

Is that the excuse you use to ruin me?"

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

That Escalated Quickly: 8/16

The Blues' tag team of referee-abusing douchebags celebrates

After a slow summer of World Cup qualifying, FIFA Confederations Cup, CONCACAF Gold Cup, and transfer madness from the maniacs at Man City and the new Galacticos in Madrid, the Prem is finally back! The most notable league-wide trend was that Week 1 was all-or-nothing: there were no draws in the ten matches on the weekend. Read on to get a brief synopsis of the formerly-named Weekend In Review...

Chelsea 2-1 Hull City

The Tigers scored early and battled fiercely, but in the end, Horseface was impossible to keep at bay. Watching the end of this game on ESPN2 early Saturday morning, it felt completely inevitable that Chelsea would find a winner, and it only took two of the six added minutes for Drogba's chipped cross to accidentally find its way into the net.

Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham

Fulham get a Bobby Zamora deflection off a shot by our boy, Clint Dempsey. Portsmouth, after suffering a long summer filled with considerable sell-offs, look set in with the meager goal of survival this season.

Wolverhampton 0-2 West Ham United

Wolves fall in their first Premier League match in five years, with goals from the generically named Mark Noble and Matthew Upson for the visiting Hammers.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester City

The first day of Manchester City's offseason experiment went surprisingly well. Emmanuel Adebayor's pre-game coin flip must have come up 'heads', as he decided to show up, give an effort, and score on his debut. Because he's an inconsistent, primadonna striker, you see...

Bolton 0-1 Sunderland

Darren Bent shut me up before I had a chance to say anything about him that would endear me to The Big Bear.

Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan

The Villans looked punchless and directionless, and Wigan commanded the three points as penance for the shitty display, looking much the more likely threat for a spot in Europe next year.

Stoke City 2-0 Burnley

I've heard a few different people say they expect Burnley should be an interesting squad this year, as they play a style that resembles what West Bromwich Albion brought to the table last year. Have these people forgotten that WBA finished dead last last year? Either way, Burnley took their first step in following that mold on Saturday.

Everton 1-6 Arsenal

Remember when I said "I pick against Arsenal at my own peril" (see item 3)?? The Gunners wasted no time making me look like I have no idea what I'm talking about. So thanks for that, Fabregas and company.

Manchester United 1-0 Birmingham City

Wayne Rooney provided the winner, and SAF got the only result he cares about, even if they weren't the dominant United of the last couple of years.

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Spurs showed strength and resilience, Liverpool showed themselves to be somewhat short on ideas in attack, and the result was deserved for the home team. Symbolic of how disjointed Pool looked, Martin Skrtel and Jamie Carragher concussed one another going after the same header, despite their not being a Spurs offender nearby.

Germany:

It was Week 2 in Bundesliga, and only defending champions Wolfsburg and Big Bear-supported Schalke 04 pulled wins from both matches. Wolfsburg came from behind to defeat FC Cologne, 3-1, while Schalke 04 hung a 3-0 shutout on Bochum. Other team-of-interest Bayern Munich, last year's runner up, managed to salvage a draw at home against Werder Bremen on Saturday.

Goal Of The Week:

Spurs defender Benoit Assou-Ekotto scores a scorching goal, his first in senior soccer.



Upcoming Events:

A little more than half of the Premier League will be in league matches on Tuesday or Wednesday this week, with exceptions for the teams playing in Europe, which is headlined by Celtic vs. Arsenal in Champions League (now on FSC, no more Tommy Smyth and talk of "old onion bags"...hurray!). Until then, let's continue to bask in the return of meaningful club soccer!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation... (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

The Prem is back, and not a minute too soon. Those certainly were a rough few months. I even had to watch baseball a few times. BASEBALL. I should have just napped.

All that garbage is over now, though. Let's preview!

As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...

SUMMER-RELATED ACTIVITIES

5 (Outdoor Drinking)

Lord knows, if there's one thing better than drinking, it's drinking outside. Plus, it's uber-convenient if you find yourself needing to use the facilities or vomit. THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET!

Tottenham v Liverpool: Sunday, 1100

It's the Oversized-Expectations Championship! Which team will disappoint its fans first?

Prediction: 1-2

Everton v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230

Prediction: 2-2

4 (Going to the Beach)

Ha ha! Fuck you, Middle America!

Blackburn v Man City: Saturday, 10:00

Rovers midfielder has stressed the need for his side to "kick lumps" out of City. Over/under on yellow cards in this match: 7.

Prediction: 1-2

3 (Grilling)

Chelsea v Hull City: Saturday, 0745

Chelsea are early favorites for the title, but Hull have only won twice in their last 29 league matches... NOTHING'S GOT TO GIVE!

Prediction: 3-0

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Man Utd v Birmingham: Sunday, 0830

Prediction: 2-0

2 (Working)

At least, if you work in an office, it's air conditioned.

Portsmouth v Fulham: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Wolverhampton v West Ham: Saturday, 1000

Why Wolves didn't select the epic "3-Wolf Moon" t-shirt for their home kit is beyond me.

Prediction: 1-1

Bolton v Sunderland: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-0

1 (Watching the US B-Side Lose 5-0 to Mexico)

Well, that happened.

Stoke v Burnley: Saturday, 1000

Burnley played some stylish soccer in the Championship last season, which, if we learned anything from West Brom, who played stylish soccer in the Championship two years ago, equals relegation. Meanwhile, Stoke managed to stay up rather comfortably by using throw-ins as their primary offensive strategy. Time to think inside the box, Owen Coyle!

Prediction: 0-0

Bundesliga: For Your Health

Bayern Munich v Werder Bremen: Saturday, 0930

Hey, kids! Do you like goals? Do you not care if your stars are eight different kinds of ugly? Then the Bundesliga is for you!

Prediction: 3-2

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Still reeling from the global recession, Manchester City's owners are forced to scale back the club's transfer budget to a measly 700 million pounds.

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Metallica

"Master of Puppets"

Master of Puppets

If I was to go, say, zombie hunting, this would be the song I would listen to to pump myself up. Also, I would never forget to carry a crowbar, but that's a whole other can of worms, there.

Funny Internet Thing

Artur Boruc's Friday Rage Lists over at Dirty Tackle are pretty much as funny as soccer-related humor gets.

Unless you love corn. AAAAAAAAAAHHH

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"Your world is Titanic, floating on the funk."

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

EPL Prediction MADNESS!!

So, much like we did with the MLS, the writers of WCIS have decided to do a little question and answer number regarding the upcoming EPL season. Will we be correct? Will we look like jackasses (yes!)? Will I be offered a job to write for ESPN Soccernet? No one knows! And that's the fun of preseason!


1. What team will win the Premiership and why?
Mathemagician: I’m backing Chelsea to take the league title, thanks to a relative lack of roster turnover, a coach who has proven successful in a relatively comparable league, and the infinite monies of a crazy Russian mobster billionaire. (Side note: While I respect Ancelotti’s achievements, fuck him sideways for AC Milan’s 2007 Champions League victory)

Blastbao: Is is sad that the only Chelsea supporter of the group doesn't think Chelsea is going to win it? My vote is for Liverpool honestly. And that pains me. As much as swine flu... Or Man City getting into the top 4. Boo! Liverpool lost Alonso, but they're still solid from back to front. As long as Benetiz stops screwing with the lineup, they'll be tough to beat.

The Big Bear: Chelsea, but there isn't much separating them from Liverpool and United (hell, and maybe Arsenal, too).

My rationale? A just God would not allow United a fourth consecutive title. 'Pool just need too many things to fall their way to pull it off (Reds fans can always take solace in Rafa steamrolling his way to the whining championship, however). And as for Arsenal... Well, fuck those guys.


2. What three teams will be dropped?
MM: I will be rooting hard for Manchester City to drop just for the comedy of it, but in reality the three teams that are headed out are Sunderland (on the “strength” of having signed Darren Bent), Burnley (a team with the potential to challenge Derby County’s Epic Fail from two seasons ago), and Birmingham City (a lack of recognizable talent eventually squeezes them out in the final days of the season).

Blast: Let's go with... Burnley, West Ham, and Man Utd. Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?

Ok I am. I say Sunderland. Why, you ask? Why the hell not?

TBB: Burnley, Hull, and Pompey. This should be another tight race, and honestly, one could feel free to replace any or all of those teams with Wolverhampton, Birmingham, Stoke, Wigan, Bolton, or even Blackburn. I can't wait to hear FSC commercials for games involving these teams later in the season:

THE TIGERS DESPERATELY NEED A WIN TO CLIMB OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE...

BUT THE BLUES ARE ALSO REALLY FUCKING BAD...

IT'S HULL CITY VERSUS BIRMINGHAM, THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX SOCCER CHANNEL!


3. What teams will qualify for the Champions League?
MM: Chelsea (see above), Liverpool (once they figure out life without Xabi Alonso, they should submit a strong season), Manchester United (Sir Alex Fuckhead won without Cristiano Ronaldo’s prancing before, he can surely do so again), and Everton. I pick against Arsenal at my own peril, but I just don’t see how they got better in the offseason, and the Toffees are still very solid throughout. Also, I am heavily partial to Timmy Howard.

Blast: Chelski, Pool, Man Utd, and Everton because I love them so. I'd like to say Fulham, but, you know... They're Fulham.

TBB: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.

Whoop-de-do. The Champions League is for lamers, anyway.


4. Will wonder-boy Ronaldo’s leaving affect ManU’s chances this season of a repeat?
MM: Most definitely. While he wasn’t up to his previous standards last year (down to “only” 26 goals from 42 the previous season), he was still the most influential attacking player for the squad when they were at their best. The idea of “replacing” him with Michael Owen and Nani is beyond laughable. They might be good enough to repeat in the Carling Cup, but I doubt they’ll take down the league title.

Blast: I don't see how Owen can't handle the job of both Tevez and Ronaldo. He's a solid striker who.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, wait. I'm sorry. I just couldn't even finish that without bursting into laughter. There is no way Man U will be the same team as last year. Sure, Rooney is nasty, but Berbatov and Owen? Really? That's your solution? Good luck with that.

TBB: I think so. United had a lot more going for them than just Ronaldo (who cannot kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets), but his 18 league goals are a lot to make up, and Michael "Not Injury Prone" Owen won't be the solution after he somehow manages to step on a land mine two weeks into the season.


5. How about the FA Cup?
MM: Trying to predict what will happen in the crapshoot that is the FA Cup is nearly impossible. I usually lean toward Arsenal, because they theoretically employ the best “youngster” squad to roll over League One and League Two teams in early rounds, when the Liverpools of the world tend to flirt with succumbing to squads like Havant and Waterlooville.

Blast: Wolverhampton!!!! Go Wolves!

TBB: Liverpool, maybe? It's a crapshoot.


6. Will Man City’s crazy summer spending be enough to land them in the top 4? If not, then where?
MM: Hell no! The team was a solid, if inconsistent, offensive team last season, and all they seemed to do was add striker upon striker, without fully addressing their back four. In theory, Shay Given and Kolo Toure will help, but Adebayor, Robinho, Roque Santa Cruz and Carlos Tevez play zero defense. I think they’ll move up from 10th last season, but probably go no higher than 6th in the end. And I will watch most of their games, if they are on, because 3-3 is a possibility every time out.

Blast: Only if they incorporate the 1-1-8 formation. Sure, they give up a lot of goals, but they'll score even more! That sounds like a good plan to me. You can't buy championships. Just ask my boy, Roman Abramovich. I say they end up in 5th.

TBB: No, but they'll certainly make a go of it. I see City landing in 5th, which will probably result in Mark Hughes being fired.


7. Who will be the Golden boot of the Prem?
MM: I’m tempted to say Wayne Rooney, but I don’t think he will quite get there, so I’m going with the complete homer pick of Fernando Torres. My prediction will probably doom him to another injury-plagued season, but I’ve got to make a homer pick somewhere…

Blast: Altidore. BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going with Anelka or Torres. Drogba might even make a late run.

TBB: I'll say Wayne Rooney, although Darren Bent may win it just to piss me off.


8. How about Altidore? Break through for Hull?
MM: I am intrigued to see how well Jozy holds up against some of the best central midfielders in the world, but what can we expect from a 19 year old? Will he get the lion’s share of playing time for the Tigers? I’m still struggling to see through the insane bias I have after watching his spectacular goal against Spain at Confed Cup, and while I don’t think he’s a top quality striker by Premier League standards (specifically, he probably won’t make Nemanja Vidic his personal bitch like ‘Nando can), I think he’ll be successful enough under the improbably tan Phil Brown to keep Hull City above the drop again.

Blast: Um... I just said he's going to win the golden boot, so yes. I think he'll score 5-7 goals this season, but it's going to be a big adjustment. Regardless, it will be good for his future. Keep in mind he's only 19!

TBB: In a word? No. Welcome to the world of Eddie Johnson, Jozy.


9. What team will be surprisingly good?
MM: I’m going with the same team I thought was surprisingly good last year (which I guess makes it less surprising, but anyway), and that team is Fulham. Of course, I am defining “surprisingly good” as “team that will coast to a comfortable tenth/eleventh place rather than battle out against relegation in the final weeks”. Other candidates, depending on your definition of “surprisingly good”: Everton, Tottenham

Blast: Fulham! Fulham! Fulham! Either that or Wolves! Rawr FA Cup champions!

TBB: Sunderland, I suppose. Steve Bruce is a good manager and they've made some solid signings this offseason.


10. What team will be surprisingly bad?
MM: Once again, I’m reading this as “surprisingly bad other than teams I expect to be relegated”, because, seriously, Burnley is going to be a goddamn disaster. But I’m going with Portsmouth here, for no other reason than their newfound lack of Crouchy goodness. Another candidate: West Ham

Blast: Stop stealing my answers! I was going to say West Ham. So bad, in fact, that I voted for them to be relegated. Woot woot.

TBB: Pompey are in trouble. Looking at their current roster, I don't know if they'll be "surprisingly" bad (just expectedly bad), but they really do seem to be relegation fodder at this point.


11. Will The Big Bear be proud of Tottenham Hotspur this season?

MM: See question nine, I presume there will be a fair amount of robot dancing this season on his part. Assuming they learned from a few years back and have hired someone to taste all players’ meals, I think this year, sans the distraction/extra effort/time crunch required to compete in Europe, could be Spurs’ strongest effort since their fifth place finish in 2006.

Blast: Well, they... picked up... um... Crouch? Really? I mean, he has a super hot girlfriend (see here) so, you know... that's something. Who can't be proud of a freaky looking, ultra thin, tall guy who celebrated his goals by doing the robot, having a girl like that? I know I am.

TBB: If by "proud of" you mean "yelling at the television because of", then yes, I will most certainly be proud of Spurs.


Table Predictions!

MM:
1. Chelsea
2. Liverpool

3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Tottenham
6. Arsenal
7. Manchester City
8. Aston Villa
9. Wigan

10. Fulham
11. Bolton
12. Blackburn
13. Stoke City
14. Hull City
15. Wolverhampton
16. West Ham
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham City
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

Blast:
1. Liverpool
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Manchester City
6. Aresenal
7. Fulham
8. Aston Villa
9. Tottenham
10. Blackburn
11. Bolton
12. Wigan
13. Hull City
14. Wolverhampton (!)
15. Stoke City
16. Portsmouth
17. Birmingham City
18. West Ham
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

TBB:
1. Chelsea
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Manchester City
6. Everton
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Aston Villa
9. West Ham
10. Sunderland
11. Fulham
12. Blackburn
13. Bolton
14. Stoke
15. Wigan
16. Wolverhampton
17. Birmingham
18. Portsmouth
19. Burnley
20. Hull City



Alright! Thanks for playing everyone! Now we'll all just have to wait and see how much comes true! Make sure to stay tuned for more witty, snarky, and sexy commentary throughout the season. Love and kisses.

Team USA News: Jozy's A Tiger!

It was semi-news when Jozy Altidore scored against the Spanish National Team in the Confederations Cup in June. His goal was the supposed "fuck you" to the Spanish team that signed him (Villareal), which then loaned him out to a second division team (Xerez, now promoted, who was unable to use Jozy due to a training injury). He is now realizing transfer prosperity from that single goal, moving to Hull City in England. Altidore revealed the news ahead of time with a Sweet Tweet, and this WCIS editor is now officially prepared to suggest that this site's non-partisan EPL endorsement should be shifted from Aston Villa to Hull City immediately.

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 5 & 6

Photo credit: ISIphotos.com

USA 3-0 Egypt

Try as I might, I

couldn't manage seventeen

syllables of "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!111111"

Brazil 3-0 Italy

Here's a great result for us

Italy goes home

Suck it, Giuseppe

Spain 2-0 South Africa

That was a close one

Spain almost had to try there

Suck it, Giuseppe

Iraq 0-0 New Zealand

This match was hella boring,

but I can still say

Suck it, Giuseppe

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 4

Brazil 3-0 United States

USA's play was

lamer than polio legs

When does the Prem start?

Egypt 1-0 Italy

This group just became

a bit more interesting

Suck it, Giuseppe

Note: "Suck it, Giuseppe" works as a great space filler, just like "Screw Flanders".

Fire Bob Bradley

OK... I haven't spoken out here in a very long time, but as I sit here and watch Brazil ruin the US, one thing is standing out in my mind. You guessed it: I like cheeseburgers. No wait... Fire Bob Bradley! Good god, this man is a terrible coach.

I think the Confederations Cup is a great litmus test for where the teams stand, and what teams will potentially face one another in the World Cup. Guess who's failing that test? It's not Italy. Are our players outclassed if you break it down one on one? Sure. Are we supposed to even advance out of the group in this tournament? No, definitely not. But we should we go into this group stage riding high on confidence and appreciating the privilege of earning an invite to this tournament? Yes!

When it comes down to it, our players aren't giving enough. And the coach isn't getting anything from them. We've given up goals in the first 10 minutes 3 out of the last 4 games we've played. Awesome. The substitution changes he makes, when he makes them, are mind boggling. The stupid nepotism that occurs, allowing Beasley, Kljestan, and his son to continue to playing even when they are obviously not performing is hurting the team. I think there is a total lack of preparation for upcoming games, especially in hostile environments. Just look at the Costa Rica game if you don't believe me. They even practiced there an extra day!! Why did they come out acting like they didn't know how to make a simple pass. Oh it was the turf it was the turf. Guess what? The other team played on the same field, and they scored 3 goals. So much for that argument.

Yes, I understand that the U.S. is not going to win every game, and is especially not going to win against massive world powers like Italy and Brazil, but come on. Show a little heart. Could we have won the Italy game? Maybe. Probably not, but keep in mind we did have the lead going into halftime. Stupid decisions by the player, never nipped in the bud by the person who coaches them, caused a break down in the mid-field that led to all 3 goals from Italy. Nice control.

Let sidetrack myself a little and say can we please please please stop playing Michael Bradley ever again. He is terrible, runs through players, makes stupid runs and passes, doesn't hold anything down, and doesn't know how to communicate with any other player in mid-field with him. Don't believe me? Watch a game and see how many times he either runs into or is right in the way of another mid-fielder, especially when they need to defend. It's childish, and an U-15 team could do better. And I don't even mean the U-15 national team.

Fire Bradley and get a real coach please. Stop disgracing our nation and hire someone who can bring some respect to the beautiful game. Or, if nothing else, teach our players how to play something a little more beautiful. What we have obviously isn't working.

P.S. Second half just started. Conor Casey is in. Ug...

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 3

Spain 1-0 Iraq

What an easy group

the next match Spain plays

is against your High School team

South Africa 2-0 New Zealand

It would be helpful

if someone would tell me what

a "Bafana" is

USA-Italy: The Big Bear's Take

Image from New York Times

• Well, first and foremost, our hatred for Giuseppe Rossi is well placed. Fuck that Billy Joel-looking motherfucker. Fuck him right in the ear.
• The Clark red card was devastating. Even though the team responded very, very well, his dismissal was likely responsible for Italy's first two goals. Had a defensive/holding midielder (i.e. Clark) been on of the field, Rossi and De Rossi would likely have been closed down before they were able to fire off their respective shots.
• That being said, the red card was a fair decision. Clark's tackle wasn't malicious by any means, but it was knee high and very late. The fact that Alexei Lalas thought that it was a crazy decision only helps to solidify this point. I think by now we've all learned never to listen to Alexei Lalas.
• Most of the guys out there (at least on the American side) played as well as, if not better than, I have ever seen them play. And yet we ended up losing by two goals. Obviously, one of the reasons for this discrepancy was the aforementioned red card, but the final result also speaks, to some degree, to the sheer difference in talent between the two squads. Now, provided we qualify, it won't be long before World Cup hysteria (and by "hysteria", I mean like 2 or 3 articles) will take over here in the US and some prognosticators in the media will start to predict ridiculously great things for the men's national team. It's time to be realistic. Our goal should be simply to progress out of the group stages. We could get lucky and make it farther, but, based on talent alone, it doesn't look like we should expect the team to recreate the side's quarterfinal run from 2002. 
• Despite the result, I'm proud of the side. They deserved at least a point. Landypants (of whom I normally am excessively critical) and the Gooch (besides his mistake on the De Rossi goal), in particular, should receive extra plaudits.
• The team has come a long way from the 3-1 loss to Costa Rica a couple of weeks ago. Still, we haven't improved much from 2006. It's time to let Bob Bradley go. He seems like a decent guy,  and is probably the best American for the job, but he isn't going to take the team to the next level, whatever that may be. We need a change. My suggestion: throw a ton of money at Guus Hiddink.
• Oh, and in case you were curious about the Billy Joel comment:

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 2

Douche.

Italy 3-1 United States

Hey there, Giuseppe

New Jersey is not

part of Italy, you fuck

Brazil 4-3 Egypt

Games are much more fun

when nobody plays defense

Insert poop joke here

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 1

Spain 5-0 New Zealand

This was expected;

Torres scores three goals

New Zealand: Stick to rugby

South Africa 0-0 Iraq

A boring draw, but

a win for Iraq

Uday cannot torture them

Hopefully Real Madrid's Physical Doesn't Involve a Test for Herpes...

High-five!

Well, that's about right. [Dirty Tackle]

United Accept Bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo realizes he'll have to leave his favorite hookers in Manchester.

I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad with the Ted DiBiase picture, as Real have now shelled out an astounding 80 million pounds for the Portuguese winger. [BBC Sport]

Time to Learn Some Spanish Poop Jokes

Real Madrid president Florentino Perez celebrates his newest signing.

The protracted Kaka (tee hee)-to-Madrid saga finally ends, with the Spanish giants dishing out a record-setting 56 million pounds for the (now former) AC Milan star. [BBC Sport]

Yeesh.

Well, that happened...

For WCIS, This Is Your Drunken USA Halftime Recap

At the moment, it is the 22nd minute of the Team USA Epic Fail in San Jose (the non-American San Jose). So far it has been a clusterfuck of defensive mistakes and a massively ineffective 4-3-3 formation. I know, I know, the US hasn't done anything in Costa Rica in a long time, but still, this was a whole lot like Dave Chapelle's failure to show up for the third season of his own show.

The first goal was a nice strike after a defender fell down and had no support from teammates outside the 18 yard box, but the second goal was a heaping pile of USA FAIL. Costa Rica gets far too free down their left flank, our young defenders overcommit to that side like teeball fielders chasing a baseball, and for some reason Timmy Howard is way the fuck off his line (think Goldberg from the "Mighty Ducks" movies). Again, there's a little credit to the Costa Rican fans, who are insanely loud and right on top of the pitch, which is undoubtedly what led to some of the miscommunication between Timmy Howard and his defensive back line, but, seriously, Bob Bradley? You can't simulate crowd noise somehow in your training sessions? (Side note: maybe you can't, I don't know shit about how the team trains, I'm currently just being a drunken pissed off asshole watching the game and rant-typing because I felt the impulse)

As a final note, I'd like to thank ESPN's resident soccer fucktard Eric Wynalda for suggesting at halftime that, because they came back from 2-0 down to draw against El Salvador, the USMNT could do the same against Costa Rica. Congratulations on not being able to recognize the difference between a middling CONCACAF side that doesn't deserve much respect, and a CONCACAF side that should be beside the USA and Mexico as near-locks for the World Cup every four years.

/end drunken rant
//hopes to claim credit for any reverse-jinxing second half production
///Prove me wrong, USMNT...PROVE ME WRONG

Gareth Barry Dislikes Europa League; Loves Money, However

Debonair-as-hell Gareth Barry signs for Manchester City, who finished 22 points behind his WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa side last season. [BBC Sport]

A Note on the Offseason...

Now that the season has ended, and we are stuck in that long month and a half-ish when not much really happens, I'm going to eschew the Morning Roundups for the time being. Nonetheless, dear reader(s), we'll be coming at you with the following this offseason:

• A Premier League Season in Review, posted hopefully sometime before the next season begins.
• Updates on the biggest soccer news, like, say, this.
• Pictures that may or may not have anything to do with the subsequent post.
• Some sort of Confederations Cup-related mumbo jumbo.
• POSSIBLE NEW FEATURES ZOMG!

Thanks for following We Call it Soccer.

Morning Roundup, 05/28/09

EEEEEEEAGLE!

• Barcelona win the Champions League; Poor Manchester United are forced to settle for only two trophies this season. [BBC Sport]
  
• Looks like we're in for another summer of "Ronaldo to Madrid" rumors. So much for pledging to stay at United. [Guardian]
• Pompey to jump aboard Dr. Sulaiman Al-Fahim's magical money train. [Times] 
• F365 predicts some of the big names potentially on the move this summer. [F365]