Monday, June 22, 2009

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 5 & 6

Photo credit: ISIphotos.com

USA 3-0 Egypt
Try as I might, I
couldn't manage seventeen
syllables of "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!111111"

Brazil 3-0 Italy
Here's a great result for us
Italy goes home
Suck it, Giuseppe

Spain 2-0 South Africa
That was a close one
Spain almost had to try there
Suck it, Giuseppe

Iraq 0-0 New Zealand
This match was hella boring,
but I can still say
Suck it, Giuseppe

Friday, June 19, 2009

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 4


Brazil 3-0 United States
USA's play was
lamer than polio legs
When does the Prem start?

Egypt 1-0 Italy
This group just became
a bit more interesting
Suck it, Giuseppe

Note: "Suck it, Giuseppe" works as a great space filler, just like "Screw Flanders".

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fire Bob Bradley



OK... I haven't spoken out here in a very long time, but as I sit here and watch Brazil ruin the US, one thing is standing out in my mind. You guessed it: I like cheeseburgers. No wait... Fire Bob Bradley! Good god, this man is a terrible coach.

I think the Confederations Cup is a great litmus test for where the teams stand, and what teams will potentially face one another in the World Cup. Guess who's failing that test? It's not Italy. Are our players outclassed if you break it down one on one? Sure. Are we supposed to even advance out of the group in this tournament? No, definitely not. But we should we go into this group stage riding high on confidence and appreciating the privilege of earning an invite to this tournament? Yes!

When it comes down to it, our players aren't giving enough. And the coach isn't getting anything from them. We've given up goals in the first 10 minutes 3 out of the last 4 games we've played. Awesome. The substitution changes he makes, when he makes them, are mind boggling. The stupid nepotism that occurs, allowing Beasley, Kljestan, and his son to continue to playing even when they are obviously not performing is hurting the team. I think there is a total lack of preparation for upcoming games, especially in hostile environments. Just look at the Costa Rica game if you don't believe me. They even practiced there an extra day!! Why did they come out acting like they didn't know how to make a simple pass. Oh it was the turf it was the turf. Guess what? The other team played on the same field, and they scored 3 goals. So much for that argument.

Yes, I understand that the U.S. is not going to win every game, and is especially not going to win against massive world powers like Italy and Brazil, but come on. Show a little heart. Could we have won the Italy game? Maybe. Probably not, but keep in mind we did have the lead going into halftime. Stupid decisions by the player, never nipped in the bud by the person who coaches them, caused a break down in the mid-field that led to all 3 goals from Italy. Nice control.

Let sidetrack myself a little and say can we please please please stop playing Michael Bradley ever again. He is terrible, runs through players, makes stupid runs and passes, doesn't hold anything down, and doesn't know how to communicate with any other player in mid-field with him. Don't believe me? Watch a game and see how many times he either runs into or is right in the way of another mid-fielder, especially when they need to defend. It's childish, and an U-15 team could do better. And I don't even mean the U-15 national team.

Fire Bradley and get a real coach please. Stop disgracing our nation and hire someone who can bring some respect to the beautiful game. Or, if nothing else, teach our players how to play something a little more beautiful. What we have obviously isn't working.

P.S. Second half just started. Conor Casey is in. Ug...

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 3


Spain 1-0 Iraq
What an easy group
the next match Spain plays
is against your High School team

South Africa 2-0 New Zealand
It would be helpful
if someone would tell me what
a "Bafana" is


Monday, June 15, 2009

USA-Italy: The Big Bear's Take

Image from New York Times

  • Well, first and foremost, our hatred for Giuseppe Rossi is well placed. Fuck that Billy Joel-looking motherfucker. Fuck him right in the ear.
  • The Clark red card was devastating. Even though the team responded very, very well, his dismissal was likely responsible for Italy's first two goals. Had a defensive/holding midielder (i.e. Clark) been on of the field, Rossi and De Rossi would likely have been closed down before they were able to fire off their respective shots.
  • That being said, the red card was a fair decision. Clark's tackle wasn't malicious by any means, but it was knee high and very late. The fact that Alexei Lalas thought that it was a crazy decision only helps to solidify this point. I think by now we've all learned never to listen to Alexei Lalas.
  • Most of the guys out there (at least on the American side) played as well as, if not better than, I have ever seen them play. And yet we ended up losing by two goals. Obviously, one of the reasons for this discrepancy was the aforementioned red card, but the final result also speaks, to some degree, to the sheer difference in talent between the two squads. Now, provided we qualify, it won't be long before World Cup hysteria (and by "hysteria", I mean like 2 or 3 articles) will take over here in the US and some prognosticators in the media will start to predict ridiculously great things for the men's national team. It's time to be realistic. Our goal should be simply to progress out of the group stages. We could get lucky and make it farther, but, based on talent alone, it doesn't look like we should expect the team to recreate the side's quarterfinal run from 2002. 
  • Despite the result, I'm proud of the side. They deserved at least a point. Landypants (of whom I normally am excessively critical) and the Gooch (besides his mistake on the De Rossi goal), in particular, should receive extra plaudits.
  • The team has come a long way from the 3-1 loss to Costa Rica a couple of weeks ago. Still, we haven't improved much from 2006. It's time to let Bob Bradley go. He seems like a decent guy,  and is probably the best American for the job, but he isn't going to take the team to the next level, whatever that may be. We need a change. My suggestion: throw a ton of money at Guus Hiddink.
  • Oh, and in case you were curious about the Billy Joel comment:


Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 2

Douche.

Italy 3-1 United States
Hey there, Giuseppe
New Jersey is not
part of Italy, you fuck

Brazil 4-3 Egypt
Games are much more fun
when nobody plays defense
Insert poop joke here

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 1


Spain 5-0 New Zealand
This was expected;
Torres scores three goals
New Zealand: Stick to rugby

South Africa 0-0 Iraq
A boring draw, but
a win for Iraq
Uday cannot torture them

Thursday, June 11, 2009

United Accept Bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo realizes he'll have to leave his favorite hookers in Manchester.

I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad with the Ted DiBiase picture, as Real have now shelled out an astounding 80 million pounds for the Portuguese winger. [BBC Sport]

Monday, June 8, 2009

Time to Learn Some Spanish Poop Jokes

Real Madrid president Florentino Perez celebrates his newest signing.

The protracted Kaka (tee hee)-to-Madrid saga finally ends, with the Spanish giants dishing out a record-setting 56 million pounds for the (now former) AC Milan star. [BBC Sport]

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Yeesh.


Well, that happened...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

For WCIS, This Is Your Drunken USA Halftime Recap


At the moment, it is the 22nd minute of the Team USA Epic Fail in San Jose (the non-American San Jose). So far it has been a clusterfuck of defensive mistakes and a massively ineffective 4-3-3 formation. I know, I know, the US hasn't done anything in Costa Rica in a long time, but still, this was a whole lot like Dave Chapelle's failure to show up for the third season of his own show.

The first goal was a nice strike after a defender fell down and had no support from teammates outside the 18 yard box, but the second goal was a heaping pile of USA FAIL. Costa Rica gets far too free down their left flank, our young defenders overcommit to that side like teeball fielders chasing a baseball, and for some reason Timmy Howard is way the fuck off his line (think Goldberg from the "Mighty Ducks" movies). Again, there's a little credit to the Costa Rican fans, who are insanely loud and right on top of the pitch, which is undoubtedly what led to some of the miscommunication between Timmy Howard and his defensive back line, but, seriously, Bob Bradley? You can't simulate crowd noise somehow in your training sessions? (Side note: maybe you can't, I don't know shit about how the team trains, I'm currently just being a drunken pissed off asshole watching the game and rant-typing because I felt the impulse)

As a final note, I'd like to thank ESPN's resident soccer fucktard Eric Wynalda for suggesting at halftime that, because they came back from 2-0 down to draw against El Salvador, the USMNT could do the same against Costa Rica. Congratulations on not being able to recognize the difference between a middling CONCACAF side that doesn't deserve much respect, and a CONCACAF side that should be beside the USA and Mexico as near-locks for the World Cup every four years.

/end drunken rant
//hopes to claim credit for any reverse-jinxing second half production
///Prove me wrong, USMNT...PROVE ME WRONG

Gareth Barry Dislikes Europa League; Loves Money, However

Debonair-as-hell Gareth Barry signs for Manchester City, who finished 22 points behind his WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa side last season. [BBC Sport]

A Note on the Offseason...

Now that the season has ended, and we are stuck in that long month and a half-ish when not much really happens, I'm going to eschew the Morning Roundups for the time being. Nonetheless, dear reader(s), we'll be coming at you with the following this offseason:
  • A Premier League Season in Review, posted hopefully sometime before the next season begins.
  • Updates on the biggest soccer news, like, say, this.
  • Pictures that may or may not have anything to do with the subsequent post.
  • Some sort of Confederations Cup-related mumbo jumbo.
  • POSSIBLE NEW FEATURES ZOMG!
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