We Call It Soccer

In Which the Big Bear Has to Go Away for a Little While

2010-12-17T08:03:00.005-05:00

Well, it appears that I am going to have to take an indefinite leave from WCIS, as I just haven't had the time to post any quality material. Hopefully I'll be back in the spring with more exiting morning roundups and weekend preview bonanzas.

And yes, I realize I'm pretty much the deadbeat dad of the soccer blogging world.

On a more positive note, here's the music video for "Christmas in Hollis":

Merry Christmas, folks.

Morning Roundup, 12/15/10

2010-12-15T08:01:00.004-05:00

Congolese side TP Mazembe knocks off South American champion Internacional to become the first African team to reach the Club World Cup Final. And there was much buttdancing. [Fox Soccer]

Fulham is looking to temporarily secure Landon Donovan's services. Let's hope, for Lando's sake, that this deal isn't getting worse all the time. [SBI]

Steven Gerrard may return to action this weekend. [Pies]

Or not. [F365]

Blackburn Rovers have considered appointing Diego Maradona as their next manager. This can only end well, right? [Soccernet]

Morning Roundup, 12/14/10

2010-12-14T08:10:00.005-05:00

Image credit: Robin Parker/EPA

Manchester United currently sit atop the Premier League after beating Arsenal, 1-0. [Soccernet]

Arsene Wenger, never one to complain, blames the Old Trafford pitch for his team's loss. [BBC Sport]

Sepp Blatter's suggestion for homosexuals who may plan on attending the 2022 World Cup in Qatar: "I would say they should refrain from any sexual activities." [Dirty Tackle]

Carlos Tevez wants to leave Manchester City. Manchester City, understandably, have a different opinion. [Guardian]

Heurelho Gomes- Goat, Hero: 12/12

2010-12-12T17:00:00.003-05:00

Bolton 2-1 Blackburn

Notlob, down to ten men for the final 35 minutes, gave up a 1-0 lead late, but an 88th minute goal from Stu Holden secured three points for the Wanderers and a move back up to sixth place.
MatchStat) Corners: Bolton 3, Blackburn 10

Wolverhampton 1-0 Birmingham City

Stephen Hunt scored the only goal of the match in the 44th minute, and Wolves rode to an easy victory, though the win did not move them out of the relegation zone.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Wolves 8, Birmingham 0

Tottenham 1-1 Chelsea

Spurs have had one clean sheet on the season, back in the August against Manchester City. So even though they took a first half lead through Roman Pavlyuchenko, it was inevitable that Chelsea would at least get one goal, which they did when Didier Drogba struck a hard shot straight at Heurelho Gomes, who could only palm the ball over his head and allow it to dribble into the goal in a soft bit of keeping. Gomes looked a further goat in the first minute of extra time, when he body-checked Ramires in the area and conceded a penalty. However, he became a hero, diving to his left and saving Drogba's penalty, and securing a point for Spurs.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Tottenham 1, Chelsea 8

Spanish Inquisition:

Fourth place Espanyol blew a 1-0 lead and went on to lose, 2-1, at Athletic Bilbao. Real Madrid cruised to a 3-1 win at Real Zaragoza. Not to be outdone, Barcelona smashed Real Sociedad 5-0, with two goals from Leo Messi.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

AC Milan beat Bologna to extend their league lead to six points. Roma beat Bari 1-0 to move up from ninth to sixth. Juventus got a goal in the fourth minute of second half stoppage time from Milos Krasic to beat Lazio 2-1 and jump above Lazio and Napoli for second place in Serie A.

Das Boot:

Eighth place Freiburg beat last place Borussia Monchengladbach 3-0 to move up to sixth. Mainz and Schalke each missed a penalty in their match, but a Jefferson Farfan goal gave Schalke the win and moved them up from fifteenth to tenth. Mainz remain fourth, 13 points behind Dortmund.

Midweek Action:

Europa League's last group stage matches on Wednesday and Thursday!
/inserts appropriate dismissive wanking motion

The real drama comes with the Champions League/Europa League knockout draw on Friday. Who will be Spurs' first opponent? Will Arsenal be made to pay for not winning their group? Will anyone care who Liverpool and Manchester City draw in the Europa League?

Clean Sheets Aplenty: 12/11

2010-12-11T18:00:00.003-05:00

Aston Villa 2-1 West Bromwich Albion

Villa responded well to their defeat at Anfield last week with goals from Stewart Downing and Emile Heskey, and only an extra time tally from Paul Scharner kept Brad Friedel from earning the clean sheet. The victory eased Villa's relegation fears a bit, as they gained two points on eighteenth place Wigan.
Matchstat) Possession: Aston Villa 42%, West Brom 58%

Everton 0-0 Wigan

David Moyes' side were the better of the two, but only had a point to show for it. Wigan's point failed to move them out of the bottom three.
Matchstat) Shots: Everton 14, Wigan 6

Fulham 0-0 Sunderland

The point for the Black Cats can be fully claimed by goalkeeper Simon Mignolet. While it was a good effort from Fulham, Mark Hughes' luck continues to run short, as they remain outside the bottom four by goal difference alone.
Matchstat) Shots On Goal: Fulham 9, Sunderland 1

Stoke City 0-1 Blackpool

The Seasiders continued their excellent road form (of which I am quite jealous) with a 48th minute goal from DJ Campbell securing all three points and lifting Blackpool back into the top half of the table.
Matchstat) Shots: Stoke 22, Blackpool 11

West Ham United 1-3 Manchester City

More trouble for the Hammers, as they fell behind 3-0 (on goals from Yaya Toure and Adam Johnson, and an own goal from Robert Green) before conceding a James Tomkins consolation late on. I'm still not sure how Chris Hughton got fired before Avram Grant, but he's got to be going soon after at this rate.
Matchstat) Possession: West Ham 38%, Manchester City 62%

Newcastle United 3-1 Liverpool

Another terrible road performance for the Reds saw them go behind in the first half through Kevin Nolan, but out of nowhere Dirk Kuyt equalized just after halftime. Then, Tyneside's favorite criminal, Joey Barton, scored the winner for Newcastle in the 79th minute, and Andy Carroll added the coup de grace in added time.
Matchstat) Shots: Newcastle 7, Liverpool 21

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Half of the matches were postponed, but among those that were played, Rangers drew 1-1 at Inverness, Hearts smashed Aberdeen 5-0, and St. Johnstone beat St. Mirren 2-1.

Spanish Inquisition:

Villareal lost 1-0 at Getafe, despite the hosts finishing the match with nine men. Almeria won at ten man Sevilla, 3-1, and Sergio Aguero scored a brace in a 2-0 victory against Deportivo De La Coruna.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Fourth place Napoli won 1-0 at Genoa to go into second place overnight in Serie A. Seventh place Palermo came from 1-0 down to win 3-1 against Parma and move up to fifth.

Das Boot:

Virtually unbeatable, Borussia Dortmund won 2-0 against Werder Bremen to extend their Bundesliga lead to 11 points. Bayer Leverkusen took up the second place spot with a 4-2 win at Hamburg. Relegation-threatened Cologne won 1-0 to move out of the bottom two.

Morning Roundup, 12/09/10

2010-12-09T08:01:00.002-05:00

Image credit: Matt Dunham/AP

Arsenal have advanced into the Champions League knockout stage after defeating Partizan Belgrade, 3-1. [Fox Soccer]

Good news for fans of random stabbings, as Roma are also through to the next round. Other Champions League results include Chelsea continuing their poor run of form with a 1-0 loss to Marseille. [SBI]

Newcastle have handed new manager Alan Pardew a five-and-a-half-year year contract. It should be noted that the Magpies have gone through seven managers in the previous five-and-a-half years. But I'm sure that Pardew will be around to see out his contract. [Sky Sports]

Inter owner/president Massimo Moratti has issued an ultimatum to Rafa Benitez, warning the manager that his side "absolutely must win" the Club World Cup. Somewhere, Jose Mourinho is cackling maniacally. [Soccernet]

The Shin Guardian has posted a fantastic interview with former Revs star Taylor Twellman. If you're even remotely curious as to what Twellman has been going through, it's a must-read. [TSG]

Morning Roundup, 12/08/10

2010-12-08T07:56:00.007-05:00

Image credit: Vincent Jannink/EPA

Spurs finish atop their Champions League group following a 3-3 draw at Dutch side FC Twente. [Guardian]

A similar story goes for Manchester United, whose 1-1 draw with Valencia secures the top spot in group C for the Red Devils. [Fox Soccer]

Other Champions League results include FC Copenhagen advancing to the knockout stages with a 3-1 win over Panathinaikos. [F365]

Former West Ham boss Alan Pardew, who looks nothing like Martin Jol, is now expected to be named as the new Newcastle manager. [BBC Sport]

Wolverhampton manager Mick McCarthy allegedly wants to bring Robbie Keane back (way back) to Wolves in the January transfer window. [Pies]

Today's Champions League matches feature Arsenal, Braga, and Waxtap battling for Group H's two knockout stage berths. [Sky Sports]

Morning Roundup, 12/07/10

2010-12-07T08:13:00.005-05:00

Image credit: Tim Hales/AP

Liverpool breeze past WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa 3-0. The Merseysiders move up to 8th in the table with the win, while Villa hover only two points above the relegation zone. That endorsement is looking more precarious every day... [Soccernet]

Newcastle United players are not particularly happy about Mike Ashley's unexpected firing of manager Chris Hughton. [Dirty Tackle]

Martin Jol, who recently stepped down from his managerial role at Ajax, is currently the favorite to take over at the Toon. [Guardian]

Today's first transfer rumor involving an American: DEMPSEY TO LIVERPOOL??????? [Pies]

Today's second transfer rumor involving an American: FRIEDEL TO CREW AS PLAYER/COACH??????? [Mirror]

The Champions League is back in action today, with United and Spurs looking to secure top spot in their respective groups. [Sky Sports]

Peter Odemwingie Is Here... For Now: 12/5

2010-12-05T17:00:00.011-05:00

West Bromwich Albion 3-1 Newcastle United

Peter Odemwingie scored twice for the Baggies, who are back up to eighth with the win. Odemwingie is surely not long for this world, though; after choosing the Nigerian national team over his birthplace, Russia, someone is going to make him disappear one of these days. You do not cross the Russian mafia. Hmmm, suddenly Thursday's events make even more sense, at least from the perspective of Sepp Blatter's instinct of self-preservation.
MatchStat) Yellow Cards: West Brom 0, Newcastle 5

Sunderland 1-0 West Ham United

The Black Cats were a bit more dominant than the final scoreline shows, winning on Jordan Henderson's quality finish of a lovely goal and rarely being threatened by the Hammers. ZOMG stay tuned for the Avram Grant sack, which is surely, maybe coming soon possibly! Enjoy the Championship next year, West Ham.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Sunderland 7, West Ham 1

Spanish Inquisition:

The match of the day pitted third place Villareal against eighth place Sevilla. The Yellow Submarine won, 1-0, thanks to a 29th minute goal from Nilmar. Fourth place Espanyol won 1-0, scoring after going down to ten men. The late match between expected mid-table team Athletic Bilbao and surprising mid-table team Real Sociedad went to last season's second division champion (Sociedad), 2-0, on a penalty and an own goal. Sociedad improved to sixth with the win.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Eighth place Sampdoria beat Bari, 3-0, to move up to a tie for fifth on points and goal difference with Palermo and Inter Milan. Third place Juventus beat eleventh place Catania, 3-1, thanks to a brace from Fabio Quagliarella, closing the gap to leaders AC Milan to six points ahead of their showdown with second place Lazio next weekend (barring the threatened player strike).

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund won at Nuremberg, 2-0, to extend their Bundesliga lead to ten points over Mainz, thanks to goals from Mats Hummels and Robert Lewandowski. Bayer Leverkusen won 3-2 against relegation threatened FC Cologne to surpass Hannover for third place, eleven points off Dortmund's pace.

Midweek Action:

Liverpool hosts Aston Villa on Monday, and then the final group games in the Champions League are on Tuesday and Wednesday. With twelve of the sixteen knockout spots already secured, I'll focus here on the what's left to play for in each group:

Group A- Tottenham and Inter have clinched qualification, but are even on points, and Spurs hold the tiebreaker. Both teams play on the road in the final fixture, Tottenham at Europa League-bound Twente, and Inter at eliminated Werder Bremen.

Group B- Schalke and Lyon are through, but first and second place are still at stake, with Schalke a point ahead of Lyon. The other two entrants are still both alive for the Europa League spot, with Benfica two points ahead of Hapoel Tel Aviv. On Tuesday, Schalke travel to Benfica, and Lyon host Hapoel Tel Aviv.

Group C- Manchester United and Valencia are through, and they play one another at Old Trafford on Tuesday. Valencia wins the group with a win, and Man U wins the group if they do not lose. Rangers have clinched the Europa League spot, and finish out their Champions League run at Bursaspor, who have five losses in five games in the competition.

Group D- Barcelona are through as group winners, and Panathinaikos are eliminated. The second spot will go to either Copenhagen (7 points) or Rubin Kazan (6 points). Kazan travel to Barcelona (where they won last year) while Copenhagen host Panathinaikos.

Group E- Bayern Munich have won the group, and Cluj are eliminated. Roma (9 points) and Basel (6 points) are both still in play for the second spot. Basel's chances seem slim, however, as they must win in Munich and see Roma lose at Cluj to advance.

Group F- Everything has been decided. Chelsea won the group, Marseille finish second, Spartak Moscow are headed for the Europa League, and Zilina are headed home.

Group G- Only the Europa League spot is left to play for, as Real Madrid have won the group, and AC Milan have clinched second. Ajax (4 points) plays at Milan, and Auxerre (3 points) plays at Madrid.

Group H- Everything is left to play for here, except for Partizan Belgrade, who, like Zilina and Bursaspor, enter the final matchday with zero points. Shaktar Donetsk (12 points) hosts Braga (9 points), while Arsenal (9 points) hosts Partizan.

Arsenal First: 12/4

2010-12-04T18:00:00.002-05:00

Arsenal 2-1 Fulham

A Samir Nasri brace gave Arsene Wenger's squad the win in a fairly even match, and the frozen pitch in Blackpool prevented Manchester United from playing and equaling their result. Thus, the Gunners are in first, which is certainly a nightmare for the Big Bear. At least Spurs beat them a few weeks back.
MatchStat) Corners: Arsenal 3, Fulham 7

Birmingham City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs led through most of the match at an extremely difficult road environment through Sebastien Bassong, but conceded an 80th minute equalizer to Craig Gardner.
MatchStat) Corners: Birmingham 6, Spurs 11

Blackburn 3-0 Wolverhampton

Rovers responded to their embarrasing blowout loss to Manchester United last week with a strong victory over Wolves. David Dunn, Brett Emerton and Ryan Nelsen all tallied for Sam Allardyce's side.
MatchStat) Possession: Blackburn 42%, Wolverhampton 58%

Chelsea 1-1 Everton

The Blues' struggles continued, though they led at halftime through a Didier Drogba penalty, won when Nicolas Anelka collected a poor Phil Neville backpass, touched it around Tim Howard and ran straight into the keeper, rather than avoid him, resulting in a yellow card for the American. Everton were stronger in the second half, and Jermaine Beckford finally converted on one of his many chances, heading past Petr Cech for a point.
MatchStat) Shots: Chelsea 14, Everton 18

Manchester City 1-0 Bolton

City broke the deadlock early through Carlos Tevez, and smothered Bolton's usual attacking abilities the rest of the way, even after Aleksandar Kolarov was sent off for a second yellow card offense. With the win, City held down the final Champions League spot.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Man City 7, Bolton 1

Wigan 2-2 Stoke City

Shockingly, the Latics/Potters match was the most entertaining affair of the day. Stoke defender Robert Huth opened the scoring, and his teammate Danny Collins scored an own goal for Wigan at the half hour mark. Within a minute of the own goal, Matt Etherington put Stoke back in front, before Tom Cleverley equalized ten minutes later. With the tie, Stoke passed Sunderland for seventh place
MatchStat) Possession: Wigan 66%, Stoke 34%

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

All the hooligans stayed home, as all this weekend's matches were postponed on Wednesday due to the wintry weather.

Spanish Inquisition:

Relegation threatened Levante beat seventh place Atletico Madrid, 2-0. Barcelona won at Osasuna, 3-0, with a brace from Leo Messi. Real Madrid, stymied for the first 60 minutes against Valencia, got a boost from a red card to David Albelda of Valencia in the 64th minute. They took their advantage well and got two goals* from Cristiano Ronaldo for a 2-0 victory.

*Note: Ronaldo didn't even need to poach a penalty for either of his goals! Shocking! So, for once, well done...jackass.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Seventh place Roma blew a two goal lead on the road at Chievo Verona, drawing 2-2. Danielle De Rossi was sent off for the visitors after their lead had vanished, and I'm always in favor of red cards for Italian national team players, just because. Leaders AC Milan won 3-0 against relegation threatened Brescia, through goals from Kevin Prince-Boateng, Robinho and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Milan leads Serie A by three points with the win.

Das Boot:

Second place Mainz, seven points behind leaders Borussia Dortmund at the start of the day, lost 2-1 at Eintracht Frankfurt. Team USA man Michael Bradley scored for Borussia Monchengladbach, but when the side was reduced to ten men, his squad blew the lead and lost, 2-1 to Hannover. The winning side moved into third place in the league. Bayern Munich lost 2-0 at Schalke. Wolfsburg and Werder Bremen played to a 0-0 draw when Torsten Frings missed a penalty for Bremen, and four minutes later Edin Dzeko missed one for Wolfsburg.

In Which I Rant About Qatar Hosting the 2022 World Cup (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2010-12-03T13:30:00.006-05:00

I don't mean to be a sore loser about the 2022 World Cup Bid and all, but QATAR!? SERIOUSLY!? For crying out loud, FIFA ignored its own technical report that ranked Qatar's bid at the bottom of all of the final round's potential 2022 hosts. Half a dozen people live there, it's hotter than the surface of the sun, and drinking is frowned upon. Sounds like good times.

Oh, I know, "Bringing the game to another part of the world blahblahblah...". But here's a little secret: people in Qatar already play soccer! Honest! They have a league and everything! Juninho plays there! If FIFA are going to let that rationale determine where the World Cup will be held, then the 2026 tournament better take place in the middle of Papua New Guinea, because headhunters have not yet had the opportunity to experience the joy of watching a 0-0 draw between Switzerland and Honduras firsthand.

At least there won't be any infrastructure problems, right? Block quote time:

Some travellers with flights booked out of Doha International Airport were forced to postpone their planned departures, prevented from going anywhere by the gigantic, euphoric throng of people in the city streets.

One of them, Mahmoud Hassan, told FIFA.com: “Due to the traffic jams, I wasn’t able to reach Doha airport for my flight to Bahrain. But you could see the joy on everyone’s faces. It’s really incredible to see all these people, Qataris as well as foreigners, celebrating the event together.”

-FIFA.com

So you're saying traffic will not be a problem, then.

Plus, I'm pretty sure that the bad guy at the end of Taken is from Qatar. IS THAT THE IMAGE YOU WANT, FIFA? THE 2022 WORLD CUP WILL NOW BE ASSOCIATED WITH SOME FAT DUDE WHO BUYS KIDNAPPED GIRLS FOR USE AS SEX SLAVES. WHERE IS LIAM NEESON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

/hyperventilates

Okay, okay. Maybe I should take a more rational look at Qatar. Let's check the fact sheet, shall we?

Pros:

Lots of money. By some estimates, Qatar has the highest per capita GDP in the world. The planet’s third largest gas reserves have something to do with this, I’d imagine.
A MOTHERFUCKING ISLAND STADIUM

Cons:

The average high temperature for July in Doha is 114 degrees Fahrenheit. My research tells me that this may not be the optimum temperature for playing soccer. You can trust me, because I'm a scientist.
Currently, it is illegal to show alcohol or appear intoxicated in public. It may be best for England fans if the Three Lions just don't qualify for this one, then.
Homosexuality is illegal. So much for FIFA's commitment to tackling homophobia.
About 1.7 million people live in Qatar. The attendance for the 2010 World Cup was 3.2 million. This means that Qatar will essentially have to build an additional Qatar's worth of infrastructure just to temporarily service the people traveling to the country for the World Cup. See above block quote for potential issues.
I do not live there, and probably will therefore not be able to attend any of the matches. HOW DARE FIFA NOT THINK OF MY NEEDS.

I’m guessing Sepp and company made their decisions upon hearing the pros and immediately disregarded everything else. Money, you say? Island stadium, you say? GIVE THEM THE TOURNAMENT, POST HASTE.

Let's get to the preview...

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

POTENTIAL 2022 WORLD CUP HOST NATIONS

5 (America, Fuck Yeah)

Liverpool vs. WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa
Monday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

Is anyone in the world, besides Sepp Blatter and the miscellaneous other FIFA bigwigs, even remotely interested in the speeches given before the winning bids are announced? Yesterday's announcement could have been accomplished by simply stating "The committee has decided to award the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar." Instead, we have to listen to Sepp ramble on about how "In football we learn to win and this is easy, in football we also learn to lose and this is not so easy...", while I bang my head on my desk and scare my coworkers.

Ugh. FIFA are just the worst.

4 (Australia)

Chelsea vs. Everton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-2

Manchester City vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-2

I never thought I’d say this, but from a neutral’s perspective, Bolton are the most fun Premiership team to watch right now. Don't believe me? Check out their second goal from last week:

Bolton: It's like watching Barcelona, but with Kevin Davies instead of Leo Messi.

3 (Japan)

Arsenal vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-1

I recently read Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad Spurs fan or not.

Birmingham vs. Tottenham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

West Brom vs. Newcastle
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-1

2 (South Korea)

Wigan vs. Stoke
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

Blackpool vs. Manchester United
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Sunderland vs. West Ham
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 1-0

Jonathan Spector for World Player of the Year, anyone?

1 (Qatar YEAH, I SAID IT)

Blackburn vs. Wolverhampton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0

Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Real Madrid vs. Valencia
Saturday, 1600
Prediction: 2-1

Take it away, Ray:

"OH, BOY! AFTER THAT LOSS TO BARCELONA, REAL HAVE GOT TO BE MADDER THAN THE GIANT FROM JACK AND THE BEANSTALK! JOSE MOURNIHO IS STOMPING AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM SAYING 'FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A VALENCIAN'! GET RID OF THE MAGIC BEANS, BOYOS, BECAUSE LOS BLANCOS WILL BE OUT FOR REVENGE! JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN PAYBACK! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN BRAVEHEART! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN THE PATRIOT! COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY'LL BE OUT FOR REVENGE JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN EVERY MEL GIBSON MOVIE!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Schalke 04 vs. Bayern Munich
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 2-3

From what I understand, the reserve team to which Jermaine Jones was demoted is in Germany's fourth division. This means that, potentially, Jones can stick with the reserve side over the next three or so years and guide the team up to the Bundesliga, where the reserves can play the starters. It'll be like JV versus varsity! ONCE AGAIN, REAL LIFE IS JUST LIKE MIGHTY DUCKS 3.

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Lazio vs. Inter Milan
Friday, 1445
Prediction: 2-1

As have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post a video that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present the trailer to the 1993 film Super Mario Brothers:

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Hoping to further raise their country's soccer profile, officials from Qatari League side Al-Sadd will attempt to sign Ashley Cole. To sweeten the deal, Al-Sadd will offer to pay the Chelsea left back in skanks.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Make 'Em Say Uhh!"
Master P
Ghetto D

This song features a murderer’s row of mediocre rappers. AND I LIKES IT.

Funny Internet Thing

Studs Up provides a look into FIFA's methodology for choosing the winning World Cup bids.

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue."
-DJ Pauly Delvecchio (MAKIN' ALL THE GIRLS' PANTIES DROP)

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from ~~Big Daddy Drew's~~ Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.

BREAKING NEWS: RUSSIA AND QATAR TO HOST 2018 AND 2022 WORLD CUPS

2010-12-02T10:09:00.008-05:00

The title pretty much sums it up.

I'd like to thank FIFA for wasting a good chunk of my morning at work. If you see Sepp Blatter's long-winded ass in the street, feel free to punch him in the cock.

Morning Roundup, 12/02/10

2010-12-02T08:00:00.006-05:00

Image Credit: Christian Hartmann/Reuters

The host countries for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups will be announced today at 1000. It'll be interesting to see which nations FIFA feels ~~paid the highest bribes~~ had the most impressive bids. [BBC Sport]

Manchester City roll into the knockout stages of the Europa Cup with a 3-0 victory over Energy Drink Salzburg, while Juventus fall out of the tournament after a 1-1 draw at Polish side Lech Poznan. [Soccernet]

Birmingham knock off WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa in the Carling Cup quarterfinals, 2-1. The Blues will face West Ham in the semis, while yesterday's other winner, Ipswich Town, will take on the inevitable 2011 Carling Cup champions Arsenal. [Fox Soccer]

In today's big Europa Cup matchup, Liverpool head to Romania to play Steaua Bucharest. A draw will see the Reds through to the next round. [Sky Sports]

Morning Roundup, 12/01/10

2010-12-01T08:00:00.005-05:00

Jonathan Spector ~~is defensively responsible for two goals~~ scores two goals in ~~United's~~ West Ham's 4-0 thrashing of ~~West Ham~~ Manchester United in the Carling Cup. We have entered Bizarro World, ladies and gentlemen. [BBC Sport]

At the Emirates, Arsenal beat Wigan 2-0 to advance to the semifinals. [Guardian]

Lando would like to return to Everton, if his body, and the Galaxy, will allow it. [Fox Soccer]

German-American midfielder Jermaine Jones has been demoted to Schalke's reserve side, apparently because of a poor work ethic. Granted, this is Germany we're talking about, so what is regarded as "poor work ethic" there probably equates to a very high work ethic back here in the States. [UF]

The Offside provides a roundup of Ray Hudson's stellar contributions to Monday's El Clasico. [The Offside]

Morning Roundup, 11/30/10

2010-11-30T08:04:00.008-05:00

Image credit: Daniel Ochoa De Olza/AP

Barcelona demolish Real Madrid, 5-0. Even some guy named Jeffren, which I am absolutely certain is not a real name, scores for the Blaugrana. [THIS VERY WEBSITE]

Even more sketchy doings are afoot at FIFA, where Vice President Issa Hayatou is now also under investigation by the International Olympic Committee. [BBC News]

Bad news for Liverpool, as Jamie Carragher may miss up to three months with a shoulder injury. At least that's what we think he said. [Soccernet]

Spurs are allegedly in talks to sign Hoffenheim forward Vedad Ibisevic... [Pies]

Or, possibly... EMMANUEL ADEBAYOR!?

F365

El Clasico, Round 1: 11/29/10

2010-11-29T20:00:00.002-05:00

Barcelona 5-0 Real Madrid

Well, that was certainly a complete thrashing. The match started out with plenty of challenges and tackles allowed by the referee, surprising for a Spanish league match, but eventually he made up for it with thirteen total bookings, all in the last hour of the match. It all changed when Pep Guardiola cheekily flipped a ball that was out of play away from Cristiano Ronaldo, and The Hairgelled One shoved the Barca gaffer, which was met with fury from the full Barca squad and led to yellow cards to C-Ron and Barca goalie Victor Valdes- the latter the two booked for some combination of dissent and leaving his area for the handbags. Later, Leo Messi was booked for a dive, and then was knocked down by a Ricardo Carvalho elbow that went unpunished. At the end of the match, Sergio Ramos was sent off on a second yellow card, the final booking of the match for a dangerous, near-intent-to-injure tackle on Messi, which he then followed post-sending off by shoving Geico Caveman Carles Puyol.

On to the scoring! Somewhat as expected, Barcelona held 67% of possession throughout the match. The question was whether Jose Mourinho would be able to use his Real Madrid squad to pull off the defend-and-counter he used to good enough effect at Inter Milan last year that his squad eliminated Barca from the Champions League last spring. The answer was: not even close. Xavi scored a mere ten minutes into the match after an incisive throughball from Andres Iniesta split three defenders, deflecting off the last and falling to just the right spot to allow him to slot home. The second goal came after almost thirty straight passes led to a cross that struck Iker Casillas' hands but got through and sat right for Pedro to tap in from point-blank range with no defender in front of him. The rest of the first half was locked down as noted above, and the only other scoring "chance" of note was C-Ron attempting a frustrated shot from 45 yards out. Shockingly, it was off target (Madrid only hit the target twice on the evening).

The second half opened quickly again for the hosts, with three separate scoring chances just missing before David Villa scored two goals in four minutes on his Clasico debut, the first in the 55th on a great pass from Messi, though there was a small question whether Villa was offside (these questions were posed fervently by Casillas, which earned him a booking for dissension). Once Villa scored the fourth in the 58th minute, on another great service from Messi, the match was simply done and dusted. The final goal, just preceding Ramos' sending off, was scored by Jeffren in the first minute of stoppage time. It was more of the cross-and-volley style, but it counted just the same as all the others.

Of course, the true joy of this match was seeing Cristiano Ronaldo's version of my favorite type of schadenfreude: Manningface.

Ray Hudson-ism Of The Match 1 (On Lionel Messi's speed): "He could follow you into a revolving door and come out first!"

Ray Hudson-ism Of The Match 2 (On Messi's control): "Like a squirrel on a telegraph!"

The Continued Struggles Of Chelsea, Liverpool: 11/28/10

2010-11-28T17:00:00.009-05:00

Newcastle United 1-1 Chelsea

Andy Carroll scored five minutes into the match when Alex tried a backpass that snuck behind Petr Cech and couldn't have been gift-wrapped any better for the young striker. Salomon Kalou equalized at the end of the first half, but the Blues couldn't capitalize on their second half pressure for a winner. Instead of regaining the top spot, Chelsea remain in second, two points off of Man U's pace.
MatchStat) Shots: Newcastle 5, Chelsea 20

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Where to begin with this match? All week, I contended that it was a matchup between Liverpool's terrible play on the road and Tottenham's terrible play in the match following a Champions League game. The Big Bear contended that it was simple: If Gareth Bale and Rafael Van der Vaart played, Tottenham would win. If not, they wouldn't. I suppose he was technically correct.

But only technically so, as Van der Vaart was forced to leave the game with an injury re-aggravation ten minutes in, and when a second injury-induced change came in the first half for Spurs, it looked like it might be Liverpool's day. Of course, I was sucked into belief in the Reds when Martin Skrtel scored in the first half, followed by a few sorely missed goal chances and a comical Spurs penalty miss, wherein Jermain Defoe shanked wide of the left post. However, the Liverpool side that was clearly better in the first half seemed to remain in the locker room, as Spurs shook off their first half malaise and, on a poorly defended run by Luka Modric, conspired to score via an own goal by Skrtel. While I then spent the next 20 minutes convincing myself that a point would be a decent result, Paul Konchesky let the uber-retarded haircut of Aaron Lennon in on Reina, and he made the Reds pay for their inability to finish. Spurs passed Bolton for fifth place with the win.
MatchStat) Fouls: Tottenham 6, Liverpool 18

Postscript WTF: Add to that loss Liverpool being drawn away to Manchester United in the FA Cup 3rd Round after the game. Awesome. /facepalm

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

See the picture above, as both of the day's scheduled matches were postponed due to winter weather conditions.

Spanish Inquisition:

A lot of mid-to-low table teams were in play on Sunday. Eighth place Mallorca won 2-0 at home against Malaga to improve to sixth place. Fifth place Valencia beat Almeria 2-1 on a brace from Roberto Soldado to keep close to Villareal and Espanyol in the fight for the Champions League spots. BONUS: Tomorrow night I'll post a recap of the much hyped and anticipated El Clasico, between Barcelona and Real Madrid, scheduled for tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Internazionale beat Parma 5-2 to move up to fifth place. Second place Lazio battled to a 1-1 draw with Catania, narrowing their gap to AC Milan to three points. Fifth place Roma lost resoundingly at seventh place Palermo, 3-1, only getting a consolation goal from Francesco Totti in second half injury time.

Das Boot:

All four teams in action Sunday are relegation-threatened nearing the mid-point of the Bundesliga season. Thirteenth place Werder Bremen beat fourteenth place St. Pauli, 3-0, behind a hat trick (and subsequent red card) for Hugo Almeida. Seventeenth placed Cologne and twelfth place Wolfsburg played to a 1-1 draw.

Midweek Action:

Carling Cup quarterfinals! On Tuesday, Arsenal hosts Wigan, and Manchester United travels to West Ham United. Wednesday, Birmingham City hosts Aston Villa in a highly interesting Cup derby, and the only remaining non-Premier League side, Ipswich Town, host West Bromwich Albion.

In addition, there's Round 5 of the Europa League Group Stage! Feel the excitement! Wednesday offers Sporting Lisbon hosting Lille, Anderlecht visiting Zenit St. Petersburg, Stuttgart visiting Young Boys (to Arsene Wenger's utter jealousy...zing!), and PSV Eindhoven travelling to Sampdoria. Thursday's features are Dinamo Zagreb at Villareal, Sparta Prague at Palermo, Sevilla at Paris Saint-Germain and Liverpool at Steaua Bucharest (The Battle For Group K!!).

Five For Dimitar: 11/27/10

2010-11-27T18:00:00.006-05:00

Aston Villa 2-4 Arsenal

The Gunners spent most of the second half fending off Aston Villa's attempt at a comeback from a 2-0 halftime scoreline, but Jack Wilshere dashed the Villans' hopes in the third minute of stoppage time with Arsenal's fourth. The win sent Arsene Wenger's men into first for a few hours.
MatchStat) Shots: Aston Villa 7, Arsenal 20

Bolton 2-2 Blackpool

The Seasiders had a 2-0 lead on the road in the 75th minute, before Owen Coyle's side got goals from Martin Petrov and Mark Davies to claim a point in what was a fantastically open match.
MatchStat) Shots: Bolton 32 (!!), Blackpool 17

Everton 1-4 West Bromwich Albion

Baggie Power returns! Though both sides ended the match with ten men, Roberto Di Matteo's club was in control through most of the match. West Brom jump from 16th to 11th with the three points.
MatchStat) Fouls: Everton 12, WBA 19

Fulham 1-1 Birmingham City

Fulham got an early second half equalizer from Clint Dempsey (USA! USA!), and two teams that could both use three points settled for one apiece.
MatchStat) Possesion: Fulham 59%, Birmingham 41%

Manchester United 7-1 Blackburn

The Berba put five past Sam Allardyce's shambolic squad, and the Red Devils needed each and every goal to match Chelsea's league-leading goal difference. Man U end the day in first ahead of Chelsea's clash with Newcastle tomorrow.
MatchStat) Possession: Man U 65%, Blackburn 35%

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City

Shockingly, after a great performance last week, Roberto Mancini's team reverted to Boring, Boring City on the road, getting an 80th minute goal from Micah Richards but conceding a an extra time equalizer to Matthew Etherington.
MatchStat) Shots on Goal: Stoke 4, Man City 4

West Ham United 3-1 Wigan

The Hammers got three points that will be necessary to their chances of surviving the relegation fight this season, building a 3-0 lead before a late consolation for the Latics.
MatchStat) Possesion: West Ham 41%, Wigan 59%

Wolverhampton 3-2 Sunderland

A game that was scoreless at halftime came alive on this goal-tastic Saturday. Kevin Foley scored for Wolves, then the lead changed hands through goals by Darren Bent and Danny Welbeck. Then, Stephen Hunt equalized in the 80th minute and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake scored the winner in the 88th. Wolves didn't move up in the table, but got much closer to the safety of 17th.
MatchStat) Corners: Wolves 11, Sunderland 5

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Celtic blew a 2-0 home lead against Inverness, drawing 2-2 and closing the gap at the top of the table to two points, with Rangers playing Sunday.

Spanish Inquisition:

Third place Villareal won 3-0 at last place Real Zaragoza, closing the gap between the top of the table and the Yellow Submarine to five points. Fourth place Espanyol blew a pair of one-goal leads against sixth place Atletico Madrid, but a 78th minute goal from Pablo Daniel Osvaldo gave them a 3-2 victory and kept them within two points of second place.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

AC Milan got a goal from Robinho in a 1-1 draw at Sampdoria, opening their lead atop Serie A to four points. Fourth place Juventus got an 81st minute equalizer against Fiorentina to move u up to third on goal difference.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund extended their league lead to seven points with a 4-1 victory over Monchengladbach. Third place Bayer Leverkusen was held to a 2-2 draw at Hoffenheim, and are now eleven points back.

Morning Roundup, 11/24/10

2010-11-24T08:03:00.005-05:00

Image credit: guardian.co.uk

Arsenal fall to Braga, 2-0, dropping the Gunners to second place in Group H. Even worse for the London side: captain Cesc Fabregas will miss up to three weeks with a hamstring injury picked up during the loss. As always, Arsene Wenger is gracious in defeat. [BBC Sport]

Chelsea clinch the top spot in Group F after beating MSK Zilina 2-1 at the Bridge. [Guardian]

Other results include Milan and Marseille booking their places in the last 16, Roma coming back from 2 goals down to beat Bayern, and Real Madrid cruising past Ajax. [Soccernet]

Today's Champions League matches include United and Tottenham looking to advance into the next round with matches against Rangers and Werder Bremen, respectively. [Sky Sports]

The US under-20 squad has secured the services of former German under-17 captain Fabian Hürzeler. Naturally, this is waaaaay different than what Giuseppe Rossi did... [Yanks Abroad]

Programming note: I'm going to be away for the holiday, so the Morning Roundups and Weekend Preview Bonanza will not be back until next week. Apologies if your life has now lost all meaning.

Morning Roundup, 11/23/10

2010-11-23T08:10:00.009-05:00

Image credit: Soocer by Ives

A belated congratulations to the Colorado Rapids, who topped FC Dallas in 2-1 extra time Sunday night to capture the MLS Cup. Conor Casey was named MVP of the final after being big and bald, and also scoring a goal. [SBI]

A late Mikel Arteta goal gives Everton a 2-2 draw at Sunderland. [BBC Sport]

Emmanuel Adebayor claims that he will be loaned to Juventus in January. The deal will leave Manchester City depleted up front, with only 31 forwards remaining on the team. [Soccernet]

The Champions League returns this afternoon, with Arsenal taking on Braga in Portugal, and Ajax hosting Real Madrid, amongst a slew of other matches. [Sky Sports]

Boring, Boring City: 11/21 In Review

2010-11-21T17:00:00.004-05:00

Blackburn 2-0 Aston Villa

Norwegian Morten Gamst Pedersen scored both goals for Rovers, and the three points moved them from the danger of 16th to the relative safety of 11th.

Fulham 1-4 Manchester City

As the away fans sarcastically sang, and Diego Maradona looked on from the stands, City scored early and were unstoppable on the counter-attack, getting three goals from Maradona's countrymen (Tevez and Zabaleta) to cruise to victory. The Citizens would seem to be title contenders, if only they looked this good more often than once every four matches. The win took them fourth, three points off the pace of Chelsea and Manchester United.

Spanish Inquisition:

Fifth place Sevilla got an 88th minute equalizer from Luis Fabiano, but lost 2-1 to Mallorca on a stoppage time tally from Pierre Webo. Sixth place Espanyol romped past Hercules, 3-0. Seventh place Atletico Madrid got four second half goals from Diego Forlan, Sergio Aguero and Simao to beat eighth place Real Sociedad, 4-2.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Fifth place Juventus defeated Genoa 2-0 to move up to fourth. Second placed Lazio was held to
a 1-1 draw at Parma, and the gap between they and leaders AC Milan is three points. Sixth placed Inter Milan lost 2-1 at Chievo Verona. Fourth place Napoli beat Bologna, 4-1, thanks to a brace from Marek Hamsik, and moved up to third place.

Das Boot:

Both of Sunday's matches featured teams near or at the bottom of the Bundesliga. FC Cologne got a 1-0 victory at Stuttgart, thanks to a penalty for Lukas Podolski, to move up from eighteenth to seventeenth. St. Pauli and Wolfsburg played to a 1-1 draw, thanks to a second half equalizer from Edin Dzeko.

Midweek:

Champions League Group Stage- Round 5. Featured matches include Bayern Munich at Roma, Real Madrid at Ajax Amsterdam, Werder Bremen at Tottenham, Lyon at Schalke, and Manchester United at Rangers.

Congrats To The Big Bear: 11/20 In Review

2010-11-20T17:30:00.001-05:00

Van der Vaart and Gareth Bale are either excited about the win, or terrified of an onrushing horde of zombies.

Arsenal 2-3 Tottenham

See the previous post for The Big Bear's understandably semi-delirious live blog of the action. I would put this question to him, though: Which match brought you (and other Spurs fans like you) more joy, this win, or the dismantling of Inter Milan at White Hart Lane?

Birmingham City 1-0 Chelsea

While this is a tough fixture for even the biggest clubs, Chelsea had a boat load of chances to grab the points and reassert their strength at the top of the league, and they simply failed. Credit to the non-London Blues and Lee Bowyer for scoring the winner and holding on for 75 agonizing minutes.

Blackpool 2-1 Wolverhampton

The winning goal for Blackpool came as a result of poor goalkeeping from USA's Marcus Hahnemann, allowing an easy tap-in for Marlon Harewood.

Bolton 5-1 Newcastle United

Notlob are in fourth place (Hello Champions League!) after destroying Newcastle at the Reebok. Two goals for Johan Elmander and two penalties converted by Kevin Davies helped them to that result.

Manchester United 2-0 Wigan

Already down 1-0, Wigan saw Antolin Alcaraz and Hugo Rodallega each sent off inside of a three minute span in the second half, and it's a testament to the Red Devils' struggles that they only added one goal on with a considerable advantage at home. Much as I hate his Mexican ass, Javi Hernandez did convert a nice header for ManU's second. Thanks to Chelsea's loss, Fergie's side are now level on points with the reigning champions atop the table.

West Bromwich Albion 0-3 Stoke City

A late brace from Jonathan Walters extended the scoreline out from the tame affair that preceded it. Stoke creep back into the top half of the table, and the Baggies continue to slide back toward the bottom three.

Liverpool 3-0 West Ham United

And I thought Liverpool were a poor team this year...my God, the Hammers were completely toothless and uniterested from the first minute to the last. Glen Johnson, not even having to bother with his usual failed attempts at defending, scored the opener, with a Dirk Kuyt penalty and a MAXI! header rounding out the scoreline.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Rangers won away to Kilmarnock, 3-2, to extend their league lead to three points, as their only title rivals, Celtic, dropped points at home in a 1-1 draw. Their opponents, Dundee United, scored the equalizer in second half stoppage time.

Spanish Inquisition:

Giuseppe Rossi scored the tying goal in third place Villareal's 1-1 draw with fourth place Valencia. The draw seems likely to make the Spanish League title race into a two-teamer once again, as Barcelona dropped five first half goals on relegation-threatened Almeria in a 8-0 victory, and Real Madrid leads Athletic Bilbao 4-1 in the 70th minute.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Roma won, 2-0, against Udinese to move into third place for a day. Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Ray Hudson codename: The Magnificent Nose) scored for Milan in their 1-0 win against Fiorentina.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund came from 1-0 down to win at Freiburg, 2-1, and maintain their seven point lead. Mainz moved back up to second place by coming back from 2-1 down in the 75th minute to beat Monchengladbach, 3-2. In the featured match of the Bundesliga weekend, second place Bayer Leverkusen and fifth place Bayern Munich played to a 1-1 draw.

North London Derby Liveblogapalooza

2010-11-20T07:27:00.051-05:00

It's the North London Derby! Will Arsenal roll into first place? Will Tottenham's traveshambolic defense magically hold up? Will I have to reset my router when some important event occurs? Is 745 too early to start drinking heavily? All these answers AND MORE in today's liveblog!

Hit your browser's refresh button to update.

T-15 min: Apparently Thierry Henry is in the building. I smell some sort of WWE-type scenario where he is called out of the stands to take on William Gallas in a ladder match.

T-14 min: Our commentators for the day are Adrian Healey and Efan Ekoku. WHERE IS IAN DARKE!?

T-7 min: Your lineups:

Arsenal: Fabianski, Sagna, Squillaci, Koscielny, Clichy, Song, Denilson, Nasri, Fabregas, Arshavin, Chamakh. Subs: Szczesny, Rosicky, van Persie, Walcott, Wilshere, Djourou, Eboue.

Tottenham: Gomes, Hutton, Gallas, Kaboul, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Modric, Bale, Van der Vaart, Pavlyuchenko. Subs: Cudicini, Bentley, Palacios, Crouch, Defoe, Bassong, Corluka.

T-5 min: Piece of shit router reset count: 1

T-1 min: Small lesbian Samir Nasri ignores William Gallas in the handshake line. CONTROVERSY!

AND WILLIAM GALLAS IS SPURS' CAPTAIN ON THE DAY!? DO NOT WANT.

0:00: And we're off.

0:30: Less than a minute into the game, and I've nearly shat myself. Nasri breaks through Spurs' defense, and only a last-ditch tackle by his mortal enemy William Gallas stops the Arsenal man.

2:30: First shot on goal of the game, and it's for Spurs. Bale manages to get a foot on Van Der Vaart's corner, but it is a comfortable save for Fabianski.

5:30: Nice move for Arsenal, as Nasri chips over several several Spurs defenders to Fabregas, whose acute-angle shot is saved by Gomes.

6:45: Kaboul follows my primary defensive strategy, hoofs it out of the box.

8:28: GOAL: ARSENAL 1-0 TOTTENHAM. Remember earlier, when I mentioned Spurs' traveshambolic defending? Well I was not lying. An indecisive Gomes spills a ball put into the box, and the little lesbian is there to capitalize. Assou-Ekotto really should have cleared it off the goal line to boot...

And now I remember why I didn't want to wake up for this one.

12:00: Yellow card: Bacary Sagna is in the book for a slide tackle on Gareth Bale. Spurs immediately give the ball away, and referee Phil Dowd does a nifty little hop over the ball to get out of the way as Arsenal counter.

16:00: Despite leading in possession (which I find dubious), Spurs are playing like crap. This is not looking pretty.

18:30: Fabregas sends a dangerous free kick into the box, but Koscielny can't get a head on it. Null and void, as he was offside, anyway.

19:00: Gallas tries to do it all himself with a surging run down the middle of the pitch, but his effort ends in nothing as he is pushed off the ball and turns it over.

21:45: Arsenal string together a dozen passes before Fabregas screws a shot wide.

23:30 Squilacci runs over Pavlyuchenko to give Spurs a free kick in a dangerous position...

24:00: And it comes to nothing. A subsequent Spurs corner is pinged around the Arsenal end before Kaboul heads wide.

26:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-0 TOTTENHAM Pavlyuchenko inadvertently starts an Arsenal attack after he stretches to keep in a hopeful cross. Arsenal fly down the field, and it looks like doucheface Marouane Chamakh gets the last touch.

29:30: Modric sends a rasping effort towards the Arsenal goal, but it is saved by Fabianski. 30 seconds later, Van Der Vaart shoots high and wide from 35 yards. There was really no sense in that one.

33:00: Apparently Jermaine Jenas is playing today. I had no idea. PROVE ME WRONG, JJ.

36:00: Harry Redknapp was a boyhood Arsenal fan? I smell a conspiracy!

39:00: Arshavin lobs a free kick directly to Heurelho Gomes. From the ensuing attack, Spurs win a a couple of corners, and a nice move by the Lilywhites ends with a Pavlyuchenko shot ricocheting off an Arsenal defender's head.

44:00: Spurs counter-attack after breaking up a Arsenal counter-attack. Spurs turn the ball over, but Arsenal fail to counter-attack this time, because you can't triple-stamp a double-stamp.

45:00 +2: And that's the end of the first half. I'll leave you to work off your Four Loko hangovers, and I'll be back for the second half.

Halftime entertainment:

And we're back. Jermain Defoe comes on for Tottenham to replace the ineffective Aaron Lennon.

47:00: I chuckled after Efan Ekoku said that Fabregas was "trying to pull out". I am an 11-year-old.

49:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-1 TOTTENHAM Adrian Healey calls it a "sweeping Spurs move", and he is right. Spurs move down the field quickly, and a Van Der Vaart pass finds Bale, who puts it past Fabianski with the outside of his left foot. COME ON YOU SPURS.

As if I had any sense of objectivity to begin with...

53:30: Assou-Ekotto very nearly finds Defoe with a 60-yard pass, but an Arsenal defender (Clichy?) juuuust gets a foot in the way.

55:30: A Luka Modric shot beats Fabianski, but is a foot over the bar. Arsenal still look comfortable on the ball, but Spurs have certainly made a game of it now.

60:00: The Gunners look very dangerous going forward. Chamakh wins a free kick in a dangerous position...

61:00: Which is driven straight into the wall.

62:30: Thought question: if Ledley King tackles Robin Van Persie, who gets injured first?

65:00: Spurs have a free kick just outside the box after a questionable foul by Song on Modric. AND IT'S A HANDBALL BY FABREGAS! PENALTY!

66:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-2 TOTTENHAM Van Der Vaart confidently puts it past Fabianski, gets a yellow card(?) in the process. Shit just got real.

67:00: Robin Van Persie has come on for Chamakh. I predict he scores a goal, picks up an injury, or both.

70:00: Squilacci knocks it past Gomes following an Arsenal free kick, but the goal is called off for offside.

73:00: Arsenal have responded very well to Tottenham's goal, and are playing with a real sense of urgency. Crouch replaces Pavlyuchenko.

76:15: Walcott and Rosicky on for Arshavin and Nasri. Arsenal attack following the substitution, and Gomes makes a fantastic save to deny Fabregas.

77:00: Koscielny has a wide-open header, but he nods over. Squeaky bum time.

80:45: Sebastien Bassong is substituted in for William Gallas. Or not. Fabianski whiffs at a Bale cross, but Spurs can't get a foot on the ball, and it is cleared to safety.

84:00: Yellow Card: Laurent Koscielny scythes down Bale with a late tackle.

85:00: GOAL: ARSENAL 2-3 TOTTENHAM Younes Kaboul gets a head on the ensuing free kick. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

87:00: Okay, so the Gallas substitution didn't happen. Wilison Palacios has instead come on for Van Der Vaart. Adrian Healey is doing his damndest to stat curse Spurs.

89:00: Walcott sends a shot over the bar from inside the box. 5 minutes of stoppage time.

90:00 +1: Bale wins a free kick to the left of Arsenal's box. Assou-Ekotto takes it to the corner in an attempt to run out the clock.

90:00 +4: Spurs using my patented "hoof it out" strategy. Well played, boys.

90:00 +5: FINAL: ARSENAL 2-3 TOTTENHAM And Spurs win away at Arsenal for the first time since 1993. I really did not see this one coming. Adrian Healey remarks that the Tottenham players are celebrating as if they had won the title. I am, too, which is probably a sadder notion.

Enjoy your weekend, folks. And stay away from Four Loko. That shit will mess you up.

The Big Bear's Abbreviated Weekend Preview Sort-of Bonanza: Week of 11/19/2010

2010-11-19T12:24:00.013-05:00

Sorry, folks. I haven't had the time to make up a full weekend preview for this week, so, instead, I present the following half-assed version.

Premier League Match of the Week

Arsenal vs. Tottenham
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 3-1

Ah, the North London Derby. There's nothing quite like it.

/alternates between drinking whiskey and Pepto Bismol

Other, Less Important, Premier League Matches

Bolton vs. Newcastle
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

Birmingham vs. Chelsea
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

Blackpool vs. Wolverhampton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Manchester United vs. Wigan
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0

West Brom vs. Stoke
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Liverpool vs. West Ham
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 3-1

Blackburn vs. WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-2

Fulham vs. Manchester City
Sunday 1100
Prediction: 1-2

Sunderland vs. Everton
Monday, 1500
Prediction: 2-2

Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Villareal vs. Valencia
Saturday, 1200
Prediction: 2-2

Take it away, Ray:

"VALENCIA BETTER WATCH OUT, BECAUSE THE YELLOW SUBMARINE ARE GONNA BE FIRING ALL THEIR TORPEDOES IN THIS ONE! AND VILLAREAL'S TORPEDOES ARE EVEN BETTER THAN NORMAL TORPEDOES! THEY'RE LIKE THAT TORPEDO IN TOMORROW NEVER DIES THAT HAS THOSE ROTATING TEETH AND CAN CHANGE DIRECTIONS WITH THE FLICK OF A JOYSTICK!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Bayer Leverkusen vs. Bayern Munich
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 1-2

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

AC Milan vs. Fiorentina
Saturday, 1445
Prediction: 3-1

As I have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post something that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present:

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

(see what I did, there)

"A crow comes and it starts quacking at us... or not quacking, what does a crow do?"
-Snooki

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

Morning Roundup, 11/18/10

2010-11-18T08:19:00.015-05:00

Seventeen year-old Energy Drinks forward Juan Agudelo scores a late goal to give the US a 1-0 victory over the Bafana Bafana in South Africa. [SBI]

France breeze past a poorly-performing England side, 2-1. To add injury to insult, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard picks up a knock in the loss. [Guardian]

Argentina top Brazil, 1-0, on the back of Leo Messi doing what Leo Messi does best. [Dirty Tackle]

Portugal thrash the reigning world champions, 4-0, claiming supremacy over the Iberian peninsula. [Fox Soccer]

FIFA suspends two executive committee members after the pair allegedly accepted money for World Cup bid votes. Now that this corrupt duo are out of the picture, FIFA can get back to what it does best: corruption. [Soccernet]

Morning Roundup, 11/17/10

2010-11-17T08:04:00.008-05:00

Image credit: US Soccer

When his coaching career ends, Bob Bradley clearly has a promising career in horror films waiting for him.

The US Men's National Team marches into Cape Town today to take on South Africa. Bradley the Elder will field a host of new faces, as the squad features six uncapped players. Kickoff is at 1400 ET, so odds are, if you have a job, you're missing this one. [US Soccer]

WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa sign former Arsenal midfielder Robert Pires, subsequently putting their WCIS endorsement at risk. [Guardian]

Villa manager Gerard Houllier is also keen to add Real Madrid striker Karim Benzema to the team's roster. [Pies]

For some reason or another, the Kansas City Wizards are expected to change their name to "Sporting KC". To be honest, it's all gone downhill for the club since they ditched those home jerseys with the glorious rainbow sleeves. [SBI]

Morning Roundup, 11/16/10

2010-11-16T07:45:00.007-05:00

Brave John Terry is facing an extended spell on the sidelines due to a nerve injury in the Chelsea captain's leg. [Soccernet]

FC Dallas knocks off the Galaxy, will face Eastern Conference(?!) champion Colorado for the MLS cup. [Fox Soccer]

Manchester United's owners plan to pay off the club's high-interest loans, leaving the Red Devils with only 500 million pounds or so worth of debt remaining. It's a slow news day. [BBC Sport]

Chelsea FAIL: 11/14 In Review

2010-11-14T17:30:00.005-05:00

Everton 1-2 Arsenal

Tim Cahill got a late Toffee consolation, but the game was mostly well controlled by the Gunners, who overtook Manchester United for second place, two points off the pace of...

Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland

...the suddenly toothless, league-leading Blues. While Branislav Ivanovic probably should have been sent off in the first half for denying a goal-scoring opportunity with a cynical foul, the Black Cats got karmic comeuppance when Nedum Onuoha slalomed through Chelsea defenders (who seemed content to watch his moves rather than stop him, as seen above) and netted just before halftime. Asamoah Gyan and Danny Welbeck added to the Chelsea misery in the second half, in what was their worst home loss to a non-Big Four opponent since losing 3-0 to Leeds in March 1995.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Celtic managed a very late winner for a 1-0 result at St. Mirren which closed the gap between they and leaders Rangers to one point.

Spanish Inquisition:

Espanyol, in fourth place at the start of the day, was held to a scoreless draw at Racing Santander. Seventh place Sevilla won at Zaragoza, 2-1, to move up to 4th/5th depending on outcome of Valencia match. Real Madrid won late at Sporting Gijon, 1-0, to retain their one point league lead, two weeks ahead of the first Clasico showdown with Barcelona. Valencia defeated Getafe 2-0 to move up to fourth.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Second place Lazio won 2-0 at third place Napoli to take back first place ahead of the Milan derby. AC Milan won "at" Internazionale, 1-0, on a penalty taken by Zlatan Ibrahimovic. The win moved Milan back into first place by a point, and left Rafa Benitez's Inter in fifth place.

Das Boot:

Freiburg won at Hoffenheim, 1-0, to move up to 6th place. Two more goals for Mario Gomez (and a missed penalty) helped Bayern Munich along to a 3-0 victory over Nuremberg. The defending champs and Champions League runners-up moved up to 5th.

Midweek:

A brief international break, including:
--> Euro 2012 qualifiers: Finland/San Marino and Croatia/Malta
--> Friendlies such as: USA/South Africa, England/France, Brazil/Argentina, Germany/Sweden and Ireland/Norway.

Goalfests For Some, Scoreless Draws For Others: 11/13 In Review

2010-11-13T18:00:00.010-05:00

Aston Villa 2-2 Manchester United

Villa quickly compiled a 2-0 lead with goals in the 72nd and 76th minute, and they just as quickly pissed that late lead away as Macheda and Vidic scored to provide the Red Devils with yet another away draw.

Manchester City 0-0 Birmingham City

Another scoreless home draw for Money City, which will surely disappoint the Sheikh, but given manager Roberto Mancini's Italian heritage, he probably gets a bit of priapism from a game with no goals and nearly no attacking whatsoever.

Newcastle United 0-0 Fulham

According to some accounts, this match was not quite as dour as Man City-Birmingham. I suppose that's possible in theory, but I'd rather not sit through it to find out.

Tottenham 4-2 Blackburn

Some accounts of this game implied that Spurs should've scored closer to seven. A missed penalty by Roman Pavlyuchenko is certainly a part of that, but luckily, a 4-0 lead was too large for even Tottenham's shambolic defenses to cough up.

West Ham United 0-0 Blackpool

Unlike the other scoreless draws on the day, this match puportedly was open and simply fraught with a bit of bad luck. With West Ham's desperation to escape the bottom of the table and Ian Holloway's attacking tactics, it certainly makes sense that this should have been an entertaining affair. With all that said, it was no goals and a point apiece for two relegation favorites.

Wigan 1-0 West Bromwich Albion

So much for Baggie Power. Wigan escape the bottom three with a winner from Victor Moses.

Wolverhampton 2-3 Bolton

Notlob built a 3-0 lead at Wolves (including the eventual winner from USA's Stuart Holden!) before a two-goal fightback, but there was no equalizer for Mick McCarthy's side.

Stoke City 2-0 Liverpool

Coming into this match, I had no opinion of Ricardo Fuller. I am now pleased to report that he is a first-class douche. He scored Stoke's winner because Liverpool spent about 20 full seconds trying and failing to HOOF IT OUT OF THE BOX GODDAMMIT! It's now back to the bottom half of the table for the Reds...crap.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Rangers defeated Aberdeen 2-0 to extend their lead over Celtic to four points. At the other end of the table, Hamilton lost 3-1 at home to remain in last place.

Spanish Inquisition:

Athletic Bilbao defeated Almeria at home, 1-0, despite seeing two of their players sent off. Atletico Madrid beat Osasuna 3-0 to move up to fifth. Barcelona leads Villareal 2-1 in the 80th minute (I will shockingly predict that they'll hold on).

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

The big match of the day was Roma at Juventus, and it ended in a 1-1 draw. Vincenzo Iaquinta scored for Juve, and Francesco Totti equalized from the penalty spot for the Romans. Both those guys have played plenty for the Italian national team. Therefore, I dislike them. That is all.

Das Boot:

Mainz lost at home to mid-table Hannover, which was great news for Borussia Dortmund, who won on Friday to extend their lead to seven points. Mainz was also passed in the standings by Bayer Leverkusen, who won 1-0 at St. Pauli. Elsewhere, Schalke fought back from 2-0 down to draw with Wolfsburg, and in a match between the bottom two teams entering the day, Borussia Monchengladbach won at FC Cologne, 4-0.

Just the Essentials (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2010-11-12T13:00:00.001-05:00

No intro this week, folks. I'm getting straight to the point, business dog-style.

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

CELEBRITY MOUSTACHES

5 (Tom Selleck)

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa vs. Manchester United
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 2-2

I tried and tried to come up with a few sentences about this game, but all I could muster was "I do not like Manchester United."

So there you have it. I do not like Manchester United.

4 (Rollie Fingers)

Everton vs. Arsenal
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-3

It's really old news, but, apparently, jokes in which Arsene Wenger is called a pedophile are frowned upon across much of the Premier League. I've always thought these chants were a joke related to the Arsenal manager's predilection towards signing young talent, and not to his driving around North London in a windowless van offering candy to toddlers (IT'S STRICTLY PLATONIC. LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON). It would be nice if someone would clarify this for me.

3 (Geraldo Rivera)

Newcastle United vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

Tottenham vs. Blackburn
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Let’s have a look at the XI I’ve put together using Spurs’ injured list (plus Heurelho Gomes), shall we?

GK: Heurelho Gomes (healthy)
DF: Ledley King, Michael Dawson, Jonathan Woodgate
MF: Aaron Lennon, David Bentley, Tom Huddlestone, Jamie O’Hara, Giovani dos Santos
FW: Roman Pavlyuchenko, Jermain Defoe, Robbie Keane

Now there's a team that could lose to Bolton in style.

Stoke vs. Liverpool
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Last weekend and friend and I hit up Nevada Smith's in Manhattan for the Stoke-Sunderland game. As someone who is not from New York, I always feel like a complete rube when I go to the city, and that everyone is aware that I am an out-of-towner. Perhaps it's because I dress like this:

Chelsea vs. Sunderland
Sunday 1110
Prediction: 3-1

An 11:10 kickoff? Is this on TBS or something?

2 (Larry Bird)

Manchester City vs. Birmingham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0

West Ham vs. Blackpool
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Wolverhampton vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2

1 (John Waters)

Wigan vs. West Brom
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

The last three teams, alphabetically, in the Prem currently occupy the league's three relegation spots. You know someone with OCD is really hoping West Brom picks up the win here.

Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Barcelona vs. Villareal
Saturday, 1600
Prediction: 3-1

Take it away, Ray:

"THIS MATCH HAS GOT ME MORE EXCITED THAN A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD WITH A VICTORIA’S SECRET CATALOG! OH, MY! LITTLE XABI AND INIESTA ARE JUST LIKE FRODO AND SAM FROM LORD OF THE RINGS! THEY'RE GONNA THROW GIUSEPPE ROSSI INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM! AND THEN THEY'LL RETURN TO THE SHIRE FOR SOME OF THAT SWEET SWEET HOBBIT LOVIN'!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Borussia Dortmund vs. Hamburg SV
Sunday, 1030
Prediction: 2-1

I am a Schalke fan, primarily because my family has its origins in a town near Gelsenkirchen. Said town is also close to Dortmund, which home to Schalke's rival, Borussia Dortmund. I have the sneaking suspicion that I'll visit there someday and everyone will be decked out in Dortmund's black and gold.

I will then be promptly shot and given an efficient German burial for failing to properly understand Germany's soccer geography.

I have weird thoughts.

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Inter Milan vs. AC Milan
Sunday, 1445
Prediction: 1-1

As have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post a video that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present Family Guy's Peter Griffin speaking Italian:

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

In attempting to fulfill his promise to make Fulham the "Manchester United of the South", Cottagers' owner Mohamed Al Fayed will sign "Crazy" Joe Thompson to the team, hoping his new signing will emulate Bébé's success with the Red Devils. Thompson does not play soccer, but he is homeless.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Soul Flower (Remix)"
The Pharcyde
Bizarre Ride II: The Pharcyde

The Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By" was played at a bar I was in the other week. I became visibly excited and a man scoffed at me. I very nearly punched him in the face.

AND THEREFORE YOU ARE NOW SUBJECTED TO THE PHARCYDE AD MY BEHEST.

Funny Internet Thing

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"I’ll be flippin’ pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face."
-The Situation

Morning Roundup, 11/11/10

2010-11-11T07:23:00.008-05:00

Image Credit: Who Ate All the Pies?

DO NOT WANT

United and City draw 0-0 in what Pies' Ollie Irish calls "The worst Manchester derby in living memory". [Pies]

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton, who is unequivocally not a "goody two-shoes" player, punches Morten Gamst Pedersen in the chest during the Barcodes' 2-1 loss to Blackburn. Barton explains his actions, stating "We were just roleplaying as Henry Rollins and his high school teacher." [Guardian]

Other results include Chelsea rebounding from their Sunday loss with a 1-0 win over Fulham, Arsenal topping Wolves, 2-0, and Liverpool being held to a 1-1 draw at Wigan. [Soccernet]

Morning Roundup, 11/10/10

2010-11-10T08:06:00.006-05:00

Image credit: Who Ate All the Pies?

Craig Cordon and Asamoah Gyan ensure Tottenham's poor run of form in the Premier League continues, as the Mackems hold Spurs to a 1-1 draw at White Hart Lane. Meh, by next year the Champions League will be totally passé, anyway. [BBC Sport]

A late Dean Whitehead goal gives Stoke City a 3-2 home win over Birmingham. [Fox Soccer]

The Manchester derby headlines today's slate of Premier League matches. Chelsea and Fulham also meet in a West London derby. Derby County F.C., meanwhile, are still waiting on their royalty checks. [Sky Sports]

Didier Drogba has malaria, and has potentially been fighting the disease since January. This means he may have won the Prem's golden boot while infected with malaria. In other news, Spurs defender William Gallas is itching to take a few matches off, as he's been "feeling a bit gassy." [Guardian]

Morning Roundup, 11/09/10

2010-11-09T08:12:00.008-05:00

Image credit: AP

The US Women's National Team keeps their hopes alive with a 3-0 win over Costa Rica. The ladies will now face Italy in a two-match playoff, the winner of which earns a spot in the 2011 World Cup. [SBI]

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton says Fabio Capello needs to stop choosing "goody two-shoes" players for the English national team. Clearly he is familiar with such "goody two-shoes" players as John Terry, Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, and Steven Gerrard... [Soccernet]

Chelsea may move away from Stamford Bridge. In the meantime, Roman Abramovich's yacht will surely be able to accommodate the London side during the construction of their new stadium. [Guardian]

The Premier League is back in action today, with Stoke hosting Birmingham and Sunderland heading to London to face off against Spurs. [BBC Sport]

Technical Difficulties...

2010-11-07T15:15:00.001-05:00

My computer was working against me this weekend. Apologies for the lack of review posts. They'll resume next weekend. Sad that I didn't get to gloat about this. Although I guess I just did. Suck it Chelsea!

Morning Roundup, 11/05/10

2010-11-05T08:05:00.006-04:00

Image credit: Who Ate All the Pies?

He can feel it coming in the air tonight.

The Liverpool locker room surely was filled with the sweet sounds of Phil Collins after a Steven Gerrard hat-trick powers the Reds past Napoli, 3-1. [F365]

Manchester City don't fare quite as well, losing 3-1 at Lech Poznan. ARE CITY IN CRISIS??? [Guardian]

Forgotten former US international Bobby Convey nets a brace, and San Jose knocks off the Energy Drinks to advance to the semifinals of the MLS Cup. [MLS]

Wayne Rooney is headed to Nike Town for rehab and conditioning. Why Nike Town? Because he's also looking for a good deal on a Landon Donovan jersey. [Sky Sports]

Sorry, folks, there will be no Weekend Preview Bonanza this week, as I'll be out of town sans laptop. Please direct your complaints to Judge Smails.

Morning Roundup, 11/04/10

2010-11-04T07:57:00.007-04:00

Image Source: Sky Sports

He's deadly from three feet.

Chelsea, Bayern Munich, and Real Madrid book their places in the Champions League knockout stages. While the Londoners continue to run rampant with a 4-1 win over Spartak Moscow, Real need a late goal from Pedro Leon to salvage a point at AC Milan. Mario Gomez scores a hat-trick (!?) for the Bavarian side in their win over Cluj. [SBI]

A complacent Arsenal side fall to Waxtep, 2-1. The Gunners' goal differential in the group stage drops to a paltry +11 following the loss. [BBC Sport]

Liverpool hire Damien Comolli as "Director of Football Strategy". I'll always remember him fondly as the man who brought unstoppable goal-scoring machine Grzegorz Rasiak to White Hart Lane. [Pies]

And, speaking of Liverpool, the Reds are in for some hot Europa League action today (only 1,642 stages left until the final!) as they take on Napoli at Anfield. [Setanta]

Morning Roundup, 11/03/10

2010-11-03T08:10:00.010-04:00

Image Source: guardian.co.uk

Gareth Bale ain't nuthing ta fuck wit.

Spurs take down reigning Champions League winners Inter Milan, 3-1. By the transitive property, West Ham are now champions of Europe. [F365]

Just in case you were not aware, Gareth Bale is really, really good. He's very discreet, but he'll haunt your dreams. [BBC Sport, Guardian]

In other Champions League action, United and Valencia pick up 3-0 wins over Bursaspor and Rangers, respectively, while Barcelona are held to a 1-1 draw by FC Copenhagen. [Soccernet]

Revs forward Taylor Twellman is expected to retire due to issues with post-concussion syndrome. I blame Giuseppe Rossi. [Fox Soccer]

Morning Roundup, 11/02/10

2010-11-02T08:09:00.008-04:00

Image credit: Reuters

Blackpool defeat West Brom 2-1, dealing a severe blow to the Baggies' push for the Champions League. [BBC Sport]

Rafa Benitez tells Roy Hodgson, in no uncertain terms, to stop whining. Pot. Kettle. Black. [Guardian]

Gareth Bale has a chance to beat Inter Milan on aggregate, as Spurs take on the Italian side in London. Other Champions League matchups today include United heading to Turkey to face Bursaspor and Rangers playing Valencia at La Mestalla. [Sky Sport]

Precious Roy over at Unprofessional Foul provides an excellent take on Nani's farcical goal against Spurs. Shockingly, one of his conclusions is that Nani is a complete douche. [UF]

Halloween Derbies: 10/31 in Review

2010-10-31T16:15:00.004-04:00

Aston Villa 0-0 Birmingham City

Not much to be said about a scoreless draw that had seven total shots on goal. A bit underwhelming for a derby match.

Newcastle United 5-1 Sunderland

Speaking of derbies, Newcastle were emphatic in victory over their local rivals. Kevin Nolan scored twice in the first half, and Shola Amoebi converted a penalty for a 3-0 halftime lead, then Nolan finished off the hat-trick before Darren Bent ruined the Magpies' clean sheet, for what that's worth.

Bolton 0-1 Liverpool

Maxi Rodriguez got the winner for the Reds. It did not look nearly as awesome as this:

The Premier League's Matchday 10 concludes tomorrow with Blackpool hosting West Bromwich Albion. The way those clubs attack, it should be a wide open goal-fest. Which means it'll turn out to be a boring nil-nil slog of a game.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Kilmarnock climbed out of last place (and sent St. Mirren to take their place) with a 3-0 win at Hearts.

Spanish Inquisition:

Villareal, down a goal and a man on the road, still managed an equalizer in second half extra time, via a penalty converted by New Jersey Italian Giuseppe Rossi. The point rescued leaves them three points off the pace of Real Madrid. Elsewhere, Racing Santander escaped the bottom three with a 4-1 victory over Osasuna, and Deportivo De La Coruna moved out of last place, but not the bottom three, with a 3-0 win against Espanyol.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the lunchtime kickoff, surprise league leaders Lazio got a first half goal and survived 15 minutes with ten men to win 1-0 at Palermo, extending their lead atop the table to four points over Inter Milan.

Das Boot:

Borussia Dortmund defeated Mainz 2-0 to claim first place in the Bundesliga by one point. Of note, Mainz missed a penalty when down 1-0. Later, Hoffenheim beat Hannover 4-0 to take over third place, seven points behind Dortmund.

Midweek Matches:

Europe League, baby! I'm sure those boring Champions League matches will warm everyone up for the real deal European league on Thursday.

Undeserved Results Win Titles: 10/30 in Review

2010-10-30T18:00:00.005-04:00

Clint drops a Deuce on Wigan

Arsenal 1-0 West Ham United

After 87 minutes of frustration by the Hammers' defense, Alex Song struck to secure three points for the home side at the Emirates, which was crucial because...

Blackburn 1-2 Chelsea

...the Blues won despite looking second best for large stretches of the match at Ewood Park. It's getting undeserved points (and the Blues deserved only one point at best for how well they played overall) that wins league titles. That's why Liverpool hasn't won the title in recent years: when they don't deserve a win, they sure as hell don't get it, ever. (I suppose one could say the same about Spurs?)

Everton 1-0 Stoke City

The Yak scored the winner for the Toffees, who suddenly find themselves seventh in the table, not too long after having been near the bottom.

Fulhamerica 2-0 Wigan

I realize Fulham isn't really Fulhamerica anymore, but they were today, winning through two goals from USA forward Clint Dempsey. America, FUCK YEAH!

Wolverhampton 2-1 Manchester City

City grabbed the early lead on a penalty, but Wolves fought back Nenad Milijas and David Edwards and held on for a win that dealt a big blow to Man City's title hopes*.

*not really, there are 28 matches to go...I just felt a need to mock the cliche comment that's made after any big club loses a match.

Manchester United 2-0 Tottenham

The final result was overshadowed by the controversial second United goal. To set the scene: Nani was played into the area, and probably should have seen a yellow card for his seventh dive of the day, in which he was trying to hoodwink the referee into a penalty (as his Portuguese background taught him to do). After this, Heurelho Gomes thought a free kick had been awarded, though the referee had not signalled any stoppage of play. Gomes placed the ball down, and Nani simply took it an kicked it into the net. Nani then followed that up with a ridiculous, Michael Jordan-esque tongue-wagging celebration, even though he had done nothing remotely spectacular. Nani is a douche.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Celtic fans recovered from their derby loss last weekend by threatening the referees and their families with death. Once they were done with that bit of class, the club managed a 3-0 win at St. Johnstone. In an actual shock, that result brought them within a point of Rangers, who dropped points for the first time all season, settling for a 1-1 draw at home with Inverness CT. In a side note, USMNT man Maurice Edu scored the lone tally for Rangers, which gave them the lead for most of the match, prior to an 81st minute leveler.

Spanish Inquisition:

Valencia, hosting Real Zaragoza, could only manage a 1-1 draw. Hercules, who beat Barcelona earlier in the season, led Real Madrid 1-0 at halftime, but the lead was fleeting. Three goals after the break, two from Crissy, kept Real Madrid in first place for another week. Barcelona, in one of their biggest matches of the season, finally showed the full form they regularly displayed for the last two years, stomping ten-man Sevilla at the Camp Nou, 5-0.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Roma, in their quest to climb back up from the bottom third of the table, defeated Lecce, 2-0, despite a sending off for former Italian national teamer Francesco Totti. Juventus beat AC Milan 2-1 in Milan, ensuring that Lazio remains in first place for another week and giving them a chance to extend their lead with a win tomorrow at Palermo. Juventus slid up to fourth place with the win.

Das Boot:

Bayer Leverkusen defeated Schalke 1-0, to climb up to third in the German standings. Recent Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg defeated Stuttgart at home to climb back toward the middle of the table. FC Cologne came from behind to defeat Hamburg, 3-2, to move out of last place; moving in: Borussia Monchengladbach, 3-0 losers against Kaiserslautern.

Destroy the Brain (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2010-10-29T14:00:00.002-04:00

As Halloween is nearly upon us, it has become time once again to raise zombie awareness. I've petitioned the Premier League countless times for teams to wear gray with their uniforms (as the NFL does with pink for breast cancer awareness), but have yet to receive anything in return other than a strongly worded cease and desist letter. So, for the time being, I'll just have to do what I can in this space.

You can always purchase Max Brooks's Zombie Survival Guide for a comprehensive review of the subject, but here are a few tips for now:

Destroy the brain. Come on, people. You should know this by now. And yet zombie movies, which I surmise are all documentaries, still show people trying to take out zombies using conventional strategies. Shooting a zombie anywhere besides the head will accomplish nothing (much like shooting Mongo) besides increasing your chance of becoming zombie chow. Your best bet is a strong blow to the dome with something like a monkey wrench or crowbar. Speaking of which...

Carry a crowbar. Not only is it good for busting zombie skulls, but you can also use it to break into a building if you're in trouble and need to escape from a zombie horde. I have a crowbar on me at all times, and keep several hidden around my home and office.

Zombie versions of your loved ones are not, in fact your loved ones. This is another thing that folks in zombie movies tend to forget. That zombie in the doorway may look an awful lot like your girlfriend, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. You gotta kill that thing to ensure your survival and possibly that of the human race. No mercy. Just like PSV Eindhoven last weekend.

While there is much more you can do when the inevitable zombie outbreak occurs, these three simple strategies should at least help you along your way. And, hey, you may even ~~make it to the end of the movie~~ survive the damn thing, if you're lucky.

Unless you're the token minority or slutty girl of your group. Then you're screwed.

And that's one to grow on.

And now back to your regularly scheduled Weekend Preview.

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

ZOMBIE FILMS WITH "... OF THE DEAD" IN THEIR TITLES

5 (Shaun of the Dead)

Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 3-1

I don't know what the deal is with this whole "Curse of Old Trafford" thing. It's not like Spurs haven't won there since the 1980s, or anything...

Oh, right.

4 (Dawn of the Dead, both original and new versions)

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa vs. Birmingham City
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-1

It's a Birmingham Derby! Winner gets ELO!

Newcastle United vs. Sunderland
Sunday 0930
Prediction: 2-2

It's a Tyne-Wear Derby! Winner gets that depressing beach from the end of "Get Carter "!

3 (Night of the Living Dead)

Everton vs. Stoke City
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Stoke City are obviously the team of choice for broheims everywhere.

Bolton Wanderers vs. Liverpool
Sunday, 1200
Prediction: 1-2

Blackpool vs. West Brom
Monday, 1600
Prediction: 0-1

Although it's good to see Blackpool doing well, I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to use "More like BlackPOO, AMIRIGHT?" yet.

2 (Diary of the Dead)

Arsenal vs. West Ham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 4-0

It bothers me that my favorite club's name is based on a Shakespearean character /English nobleman, while its chief rival takes its name from A FUCKING MUNITIONS FACTORY.

I therefore propose a new definition for "Hotspur": a place filled with fireworks, booze, and naked ladies. Like a strip club on the 4th of July, but less awkward and depressing.

Blackburn vs. Chelsea
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2

Wolverhampton vs. Manchester City
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

1 (House of the Dead)

Fulham vs. Wigan
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0

It needs to be repeated that the House of the Dead is a horrible, horrible movie.

Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Barcelona vs. Sevilla
Saturday, 1700
Prediction: 3-2

Take it away, Ray:

"I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH LITTLE LEO MESSI TRICK OR TREAT THROUGH THAT SEVILLA DEFENSE! HE'LL BE GETTING ONLY THE BEST CANDY! THAT LITTLE WARRIOR WILL BE SWIMMING IN KING-SIZED MARS BARS AND PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, WHILE POOR SEVILLA ARE GONNA END UP WITH PENNIES AND RAISINS! OH, MESSI'S JUST LIKE MICHAEL MYERS! EVEN IF YOU DECAPITATE HIM, HE STILL ISN'T BEATEN!"

From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Mainz vs. Borussia Dortmund
Sunday, 1030
Prediction: 1-2

I actually enjoy watching the Bundesliga, and I can't name a single player on Mainz, who currently are at the top of the league table. I don't know if that's more telling of Mainz's unexpected rise or my ability as a soccer blogger.

Probably the latter.

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

AC Milan vs. Juventus
Saturday, 1545
Prediction: 1-0

As I've been having a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I think I'll just start posting videos that are tangentially related to Italy.

Sticking with this week's zombie theme, here's a clip of a zombie fighting a shark from Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2".

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

After having signed J.D. Drew to the Red Sox a few years back, new Liverpool owner John Henry will attempt to corner the market on players that don't appear to give a shit by going after Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Whole Lotta Rosie"
AC/DC
Let There Be Rock

I just rocked out so hard that I forgot my own birthday.

Funny Internet Thing

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"I feel like this job is beneath me, I'm a bartender. I do, like, great things."
-Angelina

Morning Roundup, 10/28/10

2010-10-28T08:13:00.009-04:00

Image Source: Getty Images

Newcastle keeper Tim Krul scores an own goal as the Gunners rout the Magpies at St. James' Park, 4-0. I am sorely disappointed in England's headline scribes today, as no one used "It's a Krul Game for Newcastle" in their Carling Cup match reports. For shame. [Independent]

In the remaining 4th round fixtures, American defender Eric Lichaj plays 120 minutes (this has to earn him a participation trophy, no?) as WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa need extra time to eliminate Burnley, while West Ham beat Stoke, also after extra-time. [Soccernet]

I always thought Notlob forward Ivan Klasnic's nickname "Rapey Von Rapenstein" was odd. Now it all makes sense... ALLEGEDLY [F365]

Wolves head honcho Jex Moxey (which is clearly a made-up name) calls out Arsene Wenger for, well, being Arsene Wenger. [DT]

Morning Roundup, 10/27/10

2010-10-27T08:06:00.007-04:00

Image credit: skysports.com

Javier Hernandez flees the scene as a Wolves defender pummels a man to death.

Little Pea nets a 90th minute winner to send Wolves out of the Carling Cup. The first girl to develop breasts in South Park also scores for the Red Devils. [Guardian]

In other League Cup action, Birmingham survive a scare against League One side Brenford. Other winners include West Brom, Wigan, and Ipswich Town. [Sky Sports]

Today's shocking news: Michael Owen is injured. [Soccernet]

Torsten Frings may join the Red Bulls (or the Cosmos) at some point in the future. The folks at Unprofessional Foul are not particularly fond of this development, for some reason...

Morning Roundup, 10/26/10

2010-10-26T07:54:00.010-04:00

Let's pour some out for our homie, Paul.

R.I.P. Paul the Psychic Octopus.

Independent

UEFA President Michel Platini warns that goal-line technology will lead to "Playstation football". In other news, UEFA President Michel Platini has no idea what a Playstation is. [BBC Sport]

Following the news that an Indian firm is set to take over the Lancashire club next month, Michael Scott is expected to give Blackburn Rovers the "Spicy Curry Award" at this year's Dundies. [Guardian]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Dressing up like a zombie in public is akin to yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theatre. Don't be surprised if someone whaps you upside the head with a shovel, Lazio fans promoting "The Walking Dead". [Dirty Tackle]

Unhealthy Love for Van Der Vaart, You Say?

2010-10-24T19:33:00.002-04:00

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Your Name is NOT Chicharito: 10/24 in Review

2010-10-24T17:15:00.005-04:00

Stoke City 1-2 Manchester United

Manchester United managed to blow another lead on the road, but Mexican fuckstick Javier Hernandez struck his second goal of the day, which proved the winner for the Red Devils. I'm not sure what annoys me more, that he scored two goals, or that he has his nickname on his jersey. He should have to legally change his name, a la Chad Ochocinco, to do that.

Liverpool 2-1 Blackburn

By many accounts, Liverpool dominated large stretches of this match. Of course, it took them three minutes to blow their first lead, on an own goal no less. But hey, three points! Maybe they're out of the bottom three now!

/looks at table

Oh Goddamit!!

Manchester City 0-3 Arsenal

In a match that featured three goals, a saved penalty, a straight red card and 6 yellows, the moment I'll remember the most was when Cesc Fabregas saw a yellow for a poor tackle on Nigel De Jong. Cesc insists he is Not That Kind Of Player, and I'm sure Nigel is bemoaning the inherent danger that all these horrible tackles cause for a player of his skill.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

The first strike in the Old Firm derby goes to Glasgow Rangers, who pulled off a 3-1 victory at Celtic Park, their ninth win from nine matches. The win opened up a three point lead atop the table for the 'Gers.

Spanish Inquisition:

Sevilla, hosting Athletic Bilbao, got two goals apiece from Luis Fabiano and Frederic Kanoute to win 4-3. In the late game, Villareal beat Atletico Madrid 2-0 to pass Barcelona on goal difference for second in La Liga, one point behind Real Madrid.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the early games, surprise league leaders Lazio won 2-1 at home against relegation-threatened Cagliari. In the late game, Samuel Eto'o salvaged a 1-1 draw for Inter Milan against Sampdoria, which left them in second place, 4 points behind Lazio. Finishing out Matchday 8 in Serie A will be AC Milan at Napoli on Monday, where a win will bring the Milanese within two points of the league leaders.

Das Boot:

Mainz won their eighth match in nine, 1-0 at Bayer Leverkusen, to re-claim the top spot in the Bundesliga, as Borussia Dortmund missed a penalty and could only muster a stoppage time equalizer at home against Hoffenheim. Die Nullfunfer's lead is two points in front ahead of their head-to-head clash with Dortmund next Sunday.

Bonus Crazy Dutch Result!

PSV Eindhoven, already atop the Eredivisie table and leading Feyenoord Rotterdam 2-0 at halftime and up a man, proceeded to drop eight second-half goals and win by the modest scoreline of 10-0.

Midweek Action:

Carling Cup Round of 16! The most notable matches there are Newcastle hosting Arsenal, and Manchester United hosting Wolves. At least one non-Premier League team will make the quarterfinals, as Championship side Ipswich Town host Northampton Town of League Two.

Baggie Power?! 10/23 In Review

2010-10-23T18:00:00.002-04:00

Tottenham 1-1 Everton

It wasn't a win for Spurs, but I'm sure The Big Bear's love of Rafael Van der Vaart continues to grow more unhealthy with each passing game. Though Everton took a brief lead, the Dutchman and Real Madrid castoff pulled an equalizer three minutes later as the two teams shared the points.

Birmingham City 2-0 Blackpool

Liam Ridgewell and Nikola Zigic tallied to help move the Blues away from the relegation zone, which they were flirting with as the match started.

Chelsea 2-0 Wolverhampton

Double congratulations are in order for Wolves. 1. Way to concede less than five goals! 2. Way to not break any Chelsea players legs!

Sunderland 1-0 Aston Villa

Richard Dunne scored an own goal to give the win to the Black Cats. Apparently it was his eighth career own goal, which is the most in Premier League history. I'll leave you to make your own Brett Favre analogies.

West Bromwich Albion 2-1 Fulham

It's temporary, but West Brom is in fourth place with the win, and they've been hanging around that position for most of the season. I'd thought the first manager to be bought away from a small club this year might be Ian Holloway, but maybe it'll be Roberto Di Matteo? Pure, Peter King-esque speculation there, though.

Wigan 1-1 Bolton

What is Bolton doing in the top half of the table?

West Ham United 1-2 Newcastle United

Newcastle recovered from an early Carlton Cole goal to win behind goals from Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll, and moved toward the middle of the table. West Ham continues to prop the table up, and Avram Grant continues to look like death personified.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

The top of the table plays tomorrow, so I'll look at the relegation zone efforts today. St. Mirren, in the sole relegation spot entering the day, lost 3-0 at Hearts, and are now on 5 points in 9 matches. Hamilton remain their closest rival in the table, though, losing 2-1 at home to St. Johnstone on an 86th minute winner. Hamilton have 6 points from their first 9 games.

Spanish Inquisition:

Real Madrid are certainly in form at the moment* as they destroyed Racing Santander, 6-1, behind four goals from Crissy. Barcelona had a more modest 2-0 victory via a brace for Leo Messi at ten-man Real Zaragoza to stay one point off the Madridistas' pace. Valencia lost at home to Mallorca, 2-1, to fall four points off the pace of the leaders.

*of course they are, they don't crap out of Champions League in the Round of 16 until Febraury. Zing!

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Only one game today, between 14th place Bari and bottom-dwelling Fiorentina. The Lilies, one season removed from winning their Champions League group, got two goals and survived an extra-time goal to win 2-1.

Das Boot:

None of the top six teams coming into the day played, but there were still notable names among the combatants on Saturday. Schalke were held by Eintracht Frankfurt, 0-0, but the point was enough to move them out of the automatic relegation zone in the bottom two. Werder Bremen beat Monchengladbach, 4-1, and Hannover, 7th at the start of the day, beat FC Cologne, 2-1, to temporarily climb to third.

Screw You, Wayne Rooney (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2010-10-22T08:38:00.025-04:00

I spent a surprisingly large amount of time writing the intro to today's Weekend Preview. The intro was centered around the notion that Wayne Rooney was leaving Manchester United. This morning, in an abrupt change of direction, Wayne Rooney signed a new 5-year contract with the club. He clearly did this just to piss me off.

Screw you, Wayne Rooney.

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

TYPES OF PIE

5 (Apple pie)

Manchester City vs. Arsenal
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-2

Marouane Chamakh may spend his free time time saving babies from fires, for all I know. On appearance alone, though, it certainly seems like he's the Premier League's douchiest player.

4 (Blueberry pie)

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 1-2

Spurs central defender William Gallas has admitted to being quite le tired after appearing in a whopping four matches this season.

William Gallas is a piece of shit.

3 (Pecan pie)

Birmingham vs. Blackpool
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0

Sunderland vs. WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2

Stoke City vs. Manchester United
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 0-1
The Guardian piece to which we linked yesterday was supposed to be a match report of United's 1-0 victory over Bursaspor. More than half the article was dedicated to lamenting Wayne Rooney's absence and expected departure.

The money quote: "Everything felt so much more innocent back then."

Even Mitch Albom thinks that's a bit much.

Liverpool vs. Blackburn Rovers
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-1
As a Spurs supporter, I know where you’re coming from, Liverpool fans. I really do.

2 (I really should have thought this through, as I enjoy all pie.)

West Brom vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0

Wigan vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2
Notlob are quietly becoming a fun team to watch. Well, maybe not "fun", exactly. Let's go with "not boring".

West Ham vs. Newcastle
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 1-1

1 (Despair pie. That's a thing, right?)

Chelsea vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 4-0
Do you support a team other than Chelsea? If so, this one’s not gonna be particularly fun or interesting.

Ray Hudson presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Villareal vs. Atlético Madrid
Saturday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

While one could chalk Jozy's lack of playing time at Villareal up to the fact that he just hasn't been good enough, I choose to blame it on Giuseppe Rossi. It's both easier and more fun that way.

From the folks who brought you lager and world wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga match of the week!

Borussia Dortmund vs. TSG Hoffenheim
Sunday, 0930
Prediction: 2-1

When I went to check this week’s Bundesliga schedule, there was a banner ad for some sort of workout-associated pill that featured a shirtless “The Situation” flexing/squinting/holding a bottle of pills in front of an American flag backdrop. President Camacho approves.

Serie A match of the week, if you're into that sort of thing
Napoli vs. AC Milan
Monday, 1445
Prediction: 0-1

The rumor mill is suggesting Kaka (tee-hee) may return to Milan. Even if that isn't the case, IT'S STILL FUNNY BECAUSE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE A SYNONYM FOR POOP.

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Upset that they couldn't land Wayne Rooney, Manchester City are expected to instead buy Manchester United.

It's the weekend. Time to kick out the jams.
"Work"
Wale

100 Miles & Running

Funny Internet Thing
"Retired footballer" Bert Tiddle provides his take on the Wayne Rooney situation.

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"My boobs are so tight I can't breathe. Is that normal?" -Snooki

Morning Roundup, 10/21/10

2010-10-21T08:10:00.007-04:00

Spurs go full retard at the San Siro, falling 3-0 down and being reduced to 10 men within the first 15 minutes of play. Gareth Bale manages to make the final scoreline respectable by netting a hat trick, however, and Inter Milan walk away with a 4-3 victory. [BBC Sport]
United win 1-0 in Turkey, but ZOMG WHAT ABOUT ROONEY???????? [Guardian]
In other action, Barcelona pick up a 2-0 win over FC Copenhagen, and Schalke top Hapoel Tel Aviv 3-1, on the back of a Raul brace. [Soccernet]
Iron Maiden-powered Liverpool take on Napoli, and Manchester City host Lech Poznan, among about 50 other Europa League matches today. [Sky Sport]
Roy Hodgson fears that United may try to replace the departing Wayne Rooney with Fernando Torres. [F365]

Morning Roundup, 10/20/10

2010-10-20T09:00:00.010-04:00

Image credit: guardian.co.uk

Best pilot ever? Best pilot ever.

Today's top story: Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson flies Liverpool to their Europa League tie in Italy. [UF]
Sir Alex makes it official: Rooney wants out. [Goal.com]
Oh, and there were some Champions League matches yesterday, too. In one of them, everyone's favorite Portuguese winger led Real Madrid to victory over AC Milan, 2-0. [BBC Sport]
Arsenal continue to breeze through their group with a 5-1 rout of Waxtep. [Sky Sports]
Chelsea beat Spartak in Moscow, 2-0. This, apparently, is some sort of vindication for Brave John Terry, who bravely missed a penalty in the Champions League final held in the Russian capital. [Guardian]
Other results include Bayern edging CFR Cluj, 3-2, and Basle upsetting Roma 3-1 at the Stadio Olimpico. [Setanta]

Morning Roundup, 10/19/10 (ALL ROONEY ALL THE TIME EDITION)

2010-10-19T08:06:00.008-04:00

Image credit: Daily Mail
Wayne did not realize that dropping a frog splash off the top turnbuckle would lead to a red card...

Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Manchester City. [Guardian]
Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Real Madrid. [The Sun]
Wayne Rooney is totally signing with Chelsea. [Soccernet]
Wayne Rooney is totally signing for Middlesbrough, in a player-manager capacity, as the Teessiders have parted ways with boss Gordon Strachan. [F365]

New Owners, Same Sorry Results: 10/17 in Review

2010-10-17T17:45:00.003-04:00

Everton 2-0 Liverpool

The best thing I can say is that at least Roy left Glen Johnson and Christian Poulsen out of the side entirely. It didn't matter, though, as Tim Cahill and Mikel Arteta punished the Reds with goals either side of halftime. The Toffees jump all the way to 11th, while Liverpool falls to 19th.

Blackpool 2-3 Manchester City

The Seasiders dominated for most of the scoreless first hour, but City managed to clip a goal through Carlos Tevez (who looked to be offside), which completely set the game on fire. Marlon Harewood scored a leveller, which was then matched by a second Tevez tally less than a minute later. David Silva scored on a nice solo effort in the 90th, and although Gary Taylor-Fletcher pulled one back near the end, there was no time left to mount an attack for an equalizer.

Tomorrow sees the final fixture of the weekend for the EPL: Sunderland at Blackburn, with the winner moving up to 7th.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

As predicted yesterday, Celtic defeated Dundee United to rejoin Rangers at the top of the table with a perfect record from eight matches. That all will come to an end next Sunday, as the first edition of this season's Old Firm derby commences at Celtic Park.

Spanish Inquisition:

Sevilla, with a chance to move into 5th if they won, lost 2-0 at Sporting de Gijon. Tomorrow, the week in La Liga will finish up with Villareal taking their Yellow Submarine to Hercules.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

Inter Milan won 1-0 at Cagliari early to go level on points with intercity rivals AC Milan atop the table. In the late game, Lazio won 2-0 at Bari to reclaim the top spot from the duo of Milan clubs.

Das Boot:

Eintracht Frankfurt smashed Kaiserslautern with a 3-0 victory, which propelled them from 12th up to 7th. Hoffenheim defeated nine-man Monchengladbach, 3-2, to take over 4th place.

Midweek Action:

Something called "Champions League". It sounds vaguely familiar, but if Liverpool's not involved, it's obviously not the most prestigious of competitions. Europa League, that is where it's at!

/Taste the sad, Michael

Notable matches-
Tuesday: AC Milan @ Real Madrid, Shaktar Donetsk @ Arsenal
Wednesday: Tottenham @ Internazionale, Benfica @ Lyon
Thursday: Dymano Kyiv @ AZ Alkmaar, CSKA Moscow @ Palermo, Getafe @ Stuttgart, Paris Saint-Germain @ Borussia Dortmund, Liverpool @ Napoli, Porto @ Besiktas

Premiership Goalfest! 10/16 In Review

2010-10-16T17:00:00.005-04:00

Arsenal 2-1 Birmingham City

The Gunners go into second place for a day, coming from a goal down to win on a questionable penalty and a quick goal after the restart by Marouane Chamakh. They will need to weather a certain suspension for Jack Wilshere, though, as he saw red toward the end of the match for the kind of tackle Arsene Wenger usually bemoans with incomparable zeal.

Bolton 2-1 Stoke City

Ivan Klasnic managed to get both the Wanderers' winner in second half extra time, then followed that up with two yellow cards inside a minute to get tossed. The win moved Notlob up to 7th place.

Fulham 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur

Tom Huddlestone's winner, which completed a fightback from a goal down (though Spurs were only behind less than a minute prior to Pavlyuchenko's equalizer), came with a bit of controversy over the "passive offside" rule. Nevertheless, the three points keeps Spurs in fifth.

Manchester United 2-2 West Bromwich Albion

Liverpool's had such a horrid start that my only joy this season has been Red Devil schadenfraude. Luckily, Man U has provided enjoyment in spades, this time blowing a 2-0 halftime lead thanks to a Patrice Evra own goal and a flub by Edwin van der Sar that made Robert Green's World Cup efforts look heroic. The promoted Baggies remain in a surprising 6th position.

Newcastle United 2-2 Wigan

Bitten twice inside of a minute by cast-off Charles N'Zogbia, Newcastle fought back in the second half to earn a point in stoppage time through Fabricio Coloccini. The point apiece moved Wigan to 12th and the Toon to 13th.

Wolverhampton 1-1 West Ham United

A point each is not what either of the two bottom-table dwellers needed. Thanks for not pushing Liverpool further down ahead of tomorrow's derby, though!

Aston Villa 0-0 Chelsea

The only game to go goalless in England certainly had its share of chances hit posts or crossbars, and the result is deserving for both sides. Chelsea's league lead stands at 5 points ahead of Manchester City's trip to Blackpool tomorrow.

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly:

Rangers, behind 1-0 at halftime, stormed Motherwell after the break for a 4-1 victory to maintain their 100% record and take over first place. That is, until Celtic wins tomorrow. All other teams are already impossibly far gone. Yawn.

Spanish Inquisition:

The biggest match of the weekend saw league leaders Valencia visit two-time defending champion Barcelona, with a goal from Pablo Hernandez giving Los Che the 1-0 halftime lead. However, Barca stormed back with goals from World Cup hero Andres Iniesta and Carles Puyol to get the 2-1 victory that drew them level on points and goal difference with Valencia. Real Madrid lead the late game 2-0 at halftime, and a win there will launch the new Galacticos a point above both into first.

Insert Cheap Italian Stereotype Here:

In the early game, AC Milan rode a brace from Pato past Chievo Verona for a 3-1 victory which sent the Rossoneri into first place, a point ahead of Lazio. In the late game, Roma beat Genoa at home to find their way back to the middle of the table in Serie A.

Das Boot:

The 7-for-7 run for pre-break table-topping Mainz came to an end at home to Hamburg, 1-0, which kept Borusssia Dortmund in first following their victory Friday over FC Cologne. Bayern Munich got a 3-0 win at home thanks to a Mario Gomez hat trick (I shit you not, Mario Gomez scored goals! Three of them! In one game!!). Schalke and Stuttgart, both sitting in the bottom two places in Bundesliga, played to a 2-2 draw.

Morning Roundup, 10/15/10

2010-10-15T08:11:00.005-04:00

Image Credit: Tim Hales/AP

Maybe don't yank so hard, next time... HEY-O! I'll be here all night. Don't forget to tip your servers.

Hicks and Gillett have dropped their restraining order, thus paving the way for Liverpool to be sold. It has yet to be resolved who, exactly, will be buying the club, however. It seemed that John Henry's NESV had it wrapped up, but then... MY GAWD, THAT'S MILL FINANCIAL'S MUSIC! [BBC Sport]
Hey, on the bright(?) side, the Reds have re-signed Jamie Carragher through the 2012-2013 season. No word on if the deal included a Scouse-English translator for the defender. [F365]
Shocking headline of the day: "United rule out Hargreaves" [Sky Sports]
In defending Nigel De Jong's tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa (which broke the Newcastle player's leg in two places), Roberto Mancini states "It was a normal tackle," but forgets to tack on the qualifier "for Nigel De Jong". [Guardian]

The weekend preview will return next Friday.

Morning Roundup, 10/14/10

2010-10-14T08:10:00.008-04:00

Photo credit: liverpoolfc.tv

LOUD NOISES!

Just as it appeared that Liverpool were to be taken over by John Henry's NESV, current owners ~~the Royal Bank of Scotland~~ Tom Hicks and George Gillett slapped a temporary restraining order on the sale via a Texas court. Hicks and Gillett are also seeking over one billion pounds in damages, because running the club into the ground wasn't quite enough. [BBC Sport]
Are you also having a difficult time figuring out what, exactly, is going on with Liverpool? Here's a timeline to get you up to speed. [F365]
Things haven't been going too well at United for Wayne Rooney as of late. It's obviously time to start the "Rooney to Madrid" rumors. [Pies]
Abby Wambach is very serious about your health and does not approve of your stadium concession choices. [Dirty Tackle]

USA 0-0 Colombia: What Did We Learn?

2010-10-13T08:04:00.013-04:00

Allow me a little poetic license, here...

"At no point in your rambling, incoherent display were you even close to anything that could be considered entertaining soccer. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Well, that happened. A few bullet points, because I am a lazy writer.

The 4-3-3 formation Bradley the Elder employed during the first half was abhorrent. Brek Shea and (former competitive Counterstrike player!) Stu Holden repeatedly drifted inside, while it was apparent that Mo Edu (who may or may not have actually played), Bradley the Younger, and Jermaine (don't call him "Germany") Jones (to a lesser degree) were most comfortable playing center midfield. Thus the middle of the pitch was clogged up most of the time, and the US didn't have a shot on goal until the second half.

In pick-up games, my friends and I often deploy the "bunch up" offense as a joke. Even then, IT NEVER WORKS. We are very bad at soccer.

I like Jozy. I'm sure you, too, like Jozy. But he has been crap lately, and the US needs another option up front. Badly. And here is where I curse Giuseppe Rossi.

Yes, I did know that Jermaine Jones is from Germany. Why do you ask?

We had a Michael Parkhust sighting! And I thought he had spontaneously combusted, or entered the witness protection program, or something. The Mathemagician can once again wear his Parkhurst Revs jersey with pride.

According to the play-by-play guy, Clint Dempsey's nickname is "The Texas Tornado". I am certain that he has never been called that before.

Eric Lichaj put in a solid debut performance, and his play was one of the few positives from this crapfest. Fellow debutant Brek Shea surely has seen better days.

Continuing with the "I am a lazy writer" motif, I'll sum things up with a .gif:

Dear Pepe:

2009-10-17T19:30:00.000-04:00

Please watch the ball flying by to your left, not the goddamned beach ball to your right. Only one of them counts for a goal, and you have chosen...poorly.

Quick Linkage, And The Battle For My Soul As A Supporter

2009-09-20T22:15:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the lack of recap coverage this weekend, but, well, I was being a lazy ass! Anywho, just wanted to provide an excellent (and homerrific) link to a solid Liverpool blog, just to show y'all the insane and undeserved Chelsea/ManU love out there among the mainstream, as compared to rampant Reds indifference:

http://ohyoubeauty.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-love-journamalism.html

One other note: No one cares about the Carling Cup. I understand this. And yet, I am compelled and intrigued by the matchup this week between the Reds and the assumed team of my heritage. My parents actually brought my grandfather's birth certificate back from Leeds a couple of years back, and as Leeds United are the only professional club in the city of Leeds, I feel some kinship with that team. Of course, it's hard to follow and support a League One side from the States, so I really don't know much about the club, other than that they sit atop League One at the moment. I chose Liverpool on mostly arbitrary standards compared to that connection.

So who am I supposed to root for? Should I root for the team from the city where my grandfather was born and briefly raised, or the team I chose a few years back because Steven Gerrard is a fucking God? Should I root for Leeds just because the Carling Cup is worth precisely dick, and I'd rather avoid an early season backlog of fixtures? Should I root for Liverpool because we all know a Leeds win means they'll automatically be drawn to play at Stamford Bridge next round in a bow by the FA to the money, power and influence of that jackass Roman Abramovich? No one wants to see Chelsea get yet another cupcake matchup.

I still have no true solution. I guess I'll just root for a fair game and plenty of orange wedges to go around at halftime...

Birmingham Derby: 9/13

2009-09-13T18:30:00.004-04:00

Neville was forced from the game, so you know he wasn't just acting, like an Italian...

Birmingham City 0-1 Aston Villa

For a "fierce derby", this match was a pretty tame affair. Gabby Agbonlahor scored late for the visiting Villans to claim victory and move into 6th.

Fulham 2-1 Everton

Tim Cahill opened the scoring for the visiting Toffees. Unable to celebrate by shotgunning a giant Foster's can, he did a strange "fight with the corner flag" dance instead. After halftime, Fulham came out a different team, beating Timmy Howard with an unfortunate deflection and a solid strike by Newcastle castoff Damien Duff. The Cottagers jumped from 18th to 10th with the victory. Everton remain in 19th.

Spain:

Valencia used a David Villa double to beat Valladolid on the road, 4-2, and move into third with two wins from two matches. Also turning that feat was Athetic Bilbao, who defeated n00b Xerez 1-0 on the road. Despite the best efforts of American traitor Giuseppe Rossi, who opened the scoring for Villareal, his team was held to a 1-1 draw at home against Mallorca, dropping the Yellow Submarine to 13th, as they are winless from two matches.

Italy:

Genoa and Sampdoria joined Juventus as the only teams with three wins in three games in Serie A. Genoa achieved this result with a 4-1 victory at home over Napoli to surpass Juventus and take the table lead. Sampdoria got a 1-0 road victory to go third. Inter Milan and Roma also won on the day, moving the Nerazzurri into fourth place, and helping the Romans off the bottom of the table and into 15th.

Germany:

Schalke got a 2-1 road victory over FC Cologne, putting them three points behind the co-table leaders, in third place. Werder Bremen were held to a scoreless draw at home by Hannover, and find themselves in sixth.

Midweek Soccer:

UEFA Champions League group stage begins Tuesday, with the highlight matches Marseille hosting Milan, and Chelsea hosting Porto. Wednesday's premier matchups include Inter Milan hosting reigning champions Barcelona, and Stuttgart hosting Scottish champions Glasgow Rangers. Thursday brings the first day of the new Europa League's group stage, where Fulham and Everton will be in action.

Super Jew Yossi Benayoun: 9/12

2009-09-12T17:00:00.000-04:00

Ugly and Uglier celebrate for 'Pool

Blackburn 3-1 Wolverhampton

It's never too early to get out of the "Relegation Zone", and Rovers put on a dominant display against n00b Wolves to get their first win of the campaign and jump from 18th to 13th.

Liverpool 4-0 Burnley

Yossi Benayoun scores a hat trick as Liverpool pwned n00b Burnley. The game was carried on the Worldwide Leader in dropped satellite feeds. Thanks for losing the feed three times, ESPN2, it reminded me of those times I watched Liverpool games with a shitty internet connection on my laptop last year! The Reds move to fifth with the blowout.

Manchester City 4-2 Arsenal

The story of the match that will be covered to death in the coming days was Adebayor following up his goal with a sprint to the opposite end of the pitch to essentially taunt the traveling Gunner fans. Nothing says classy like mocking the club where you built your name, which was what allowed you to jump to another club for a buttload of cash. City go third ahead of next weekend's Manchester derby at Old Trafford.

Portsmouth 2-3 Bolton

A back-and-forth score sheet suggests that perhaps this game wasn't as fail-tastic as you would expect from the two remaining clubs that entered today without a point. Even this early in the season, it looks like it is really going to take a lot of work to keep Portsmouth from being relegated.

Stoke City 1-2 Chelsea

Stoke were certainly up for the game, and found themselves ahead in the first half due to some questionable keeping by Petr Cech, but Horseface scored an excellent strike during the eight minutes of first half extra time, and Florent Malouda scored during the five minutes of second half extra time to claim victory and retain their spot atop the table. Sounds to me like Carlo Ancelotti might be the first manager in many, many years to challenge Sir Alex Ferguson for the title of "Best EPL Manager At Bitching About, And Getting, Egregious Amounts Of Extra Time".

Sunderland 4-1 Hull City

CAT FIGHT! The Todd approves:

The Black Cats got the better of their Tiger counterparts, with two goals from Darren Bent. Harry Redknapp's wife would've got the hat trick...

Wigan 1-0 West Ham United

Hugo Rodallega scored for the Latics to claim victory. **searches for joke, consults Wikipedia** I see that Hugo is Colombian, and he has 7 goals in 21 international appearances. I guess that explains why he hasn't been murdered by his fellow countrymen yet...

Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Manchester United

Jermaine Jenas scored 50 seconds in on a solid bicycle-ish goal, but as the announcers for the game eventually pointed out ad nauseum, Tottenham vs. Man U matches follow a single script. 1) Spurs take a lead 2) Spurs lead does not last 3) The Red Devils eventually win running away. This one had the minor wrinkle of throwing in a Paul Scholes red card after Man U took a 2-1 lead, but- and I still can't figure out how this happened- Man U actually looked at their best with only ten men, adding another goal through Wayne Rooney. The win sent SAF's squad second.

Spain:

Barcelona sunk Getafe, 2-0, on goals from Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lionel Messi, and Real Madrid defeated Espanyol, 3-0, with prancing wonder Cristiano Ronaldo adding the final nail in the coffin in extra time. Stop me if you've heard this script before, but Barca and Madrid are first and second, respectively, in the Spanish table.

Italy:

Milan was held to a scoreless draw at Serie A n00b Livorno, and Juventus defeated Lazio, 2-0 in Rome, to move into first place.

Germany:

Two teams are relatively clear at the top of the Bundesliga at the moment, as Hamburg defeated Stuttgart 3-1 at home to maintain top position, and Bayer Leverkusen won 3-2 at Wolfsburg to retain the second spot. Bayern Munich are charging hard after a poor start, winning 5-1 at Borussia Dortmund to move up from eighth to fourth at the moment.

More Adebayor: 8/30

2009-08-30T18:45:00.000-04:00

Allowing Adebayor a free header: not advised

Portsmouth 0-1 Manchester City

Last year, City's biggest issue was woeful road form. While it wasn't a dominant, decisive victory, they have maximum points after a road win at Pompey. Not extremely impressive, but a step in the right direction. They may only have a +4 goal differential from three wins, but they have yet to concede a single tally. This, plus Liverpool's 7 goals conceded thus far, is what I get for making fun of City's lack of defense. Meanwhile, Portsmouth join Bolton as the only Prem teams with no points for the month of August, and they'll play one another in their next matches after the international break. Big Bear, I believe you have your first "Zero Star" rating of the season for your next preview...

Everton 2-1 Wigan

The Toffees took advantage of a late penalty to win a relatively even affair and move off the bottom of the table. Everton seemed to have an edge in sheer volume of opportunities, though Wigan botched a 5-on-2 break at the start of extra time that, in hindsight, could have meant taking a point away from Goodison Park. Everton's early season form looks to have been turned around, just in time for everyone to leave for two weeks. I'm sure David Moyes is thrilled with the timing.

Aston Villa 2-0 Fulham

Let's all get back on board the Aston Villa train!! An own goal from John Pantsil put Fulham in a very early hole, and Gabby Agbonlahor essentially finished off the win in the second half, as Fulham were reportedly atrocious.

Spain:

Valencia took advantage of 10-man Sevilla in the second half to cruise to a 2-0 win to start the campaign. Among other notable clubs in action Sunday, Villareal drew 1-1 away at Osasuna, and Atletico Madrid lost 3-0 at Malaga. Taking the early lead in the Spanish league, pending Monday's results for defending champion Barcelona, was Getafe. The club that finished in 17th place last season, barely maintaining their stay in the top league, won 4-1 at Racing Santander.

Italy:

In the notable early match, Juventus defeated Roma 3-1, with Juventus moving into second place. Sampdoria won, 3-1 over Udinese, to take first place. Genoa and Lazio also won their second match from two, and are off the pace only due to goal differential.

Germany:

In the early match, Werder Bremen defeated Hertha Berlin in Berlin, 3-2, to move to third in the Bundesliga. Later, Hamburg defeated FC Cologne, 3-1, to move into first place at the break.

Midweek Soccer:

None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. This week is all build-up and training to a considerable slate of World Cup Qualifying next Saturday and the following Wednesday.

Clinical Chelsea: 8/29

2009-08-29T17:15:00.002-04:00

The lanky robot celebrates his first Spurs' strike

Chelsea 3-0 Burnley

The Blues' strength and three goals all around halftime put them atop the Premier League on goal difference heading into the first international break of the season. This is what happens when you're a Top 4 team that doesn't have to sell their best players thanks to debt issues* or a general lack of funds**.

*See Liverpool, Manchester United
**See Arsenal

Blackburn Yawn-Snore West Ham United

Bolton 2-3 Liverpool

From a few different accounts, Liverpool were decidedly lucky to pull out the victory, thanks to a second yellow to Bolton's Sean Davis sent him off shortly after Bolton had taken a 2-1 lead. Torres scored soon after, and Gerrard finished strong with an 83rd minute winner.

Stoke City 1-0 Sunderland

A lone Dave Kitson strike sends the Potters into fourth. With the addition of former Boro man and Turkish international Tuncay, Stoke are looking like a well-put-together side this season.

Tottenham 2-1 Birmingham City

Peter Crouch opened the scoring with a goal only he could have scored, because only he could get his head to the ball. Birmingham responded quickly after with the aid of a trademark moment of failed Tottenham defending, but City were unable to hold on to their single point, as Aaron Lennon scored at the death to maintain Spurs' 100% record.

Wolverhampton 1-1 Hull City

Hull's first half goal was nullified by an early second half strike for Wolves. Both teams will probably be decently pleased to be on four points from four matches, as survival is the name of the game.

Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal

And here I thought that stealing undeserved results might have left Manchester along with Cristiano Ronaldo. Arsenal were the stronger side in a mostly slow first half, taking the lead through a strong Andrei Arshavin strike. In the second, though, Wayne Rooney manufactured a clear penalty quite suddenly, and five minutes after he converted it, an inexplicable own goal from Abou Diaby, who headed in despite no one in red around him, gave the Red Devils their winning margin. It was not without late drama, as Arsenal looked to have equalized at the death, but a correct offsides call nullified it, and sent Arsene Wenger into a massive bitchfest that resulted in his sending off.

Spain:

Welcome back, La Liga, did you really need to sleep in that late? Cristiano Ronaldo scored from the penalty spot in his debut for Real Madrid, a 3-2 victory over Deportivo which proved what we all knew: Real Madrid cannot defend worth a shit. Iker Casillas is gonna have to choke a backliner before this season is out.

Italy:

It's only the second week, but the first of the Italian League's two Milan Flare-Throwing derbies happened today, and it was all Inter. Not only did they score three times in the first half, but Italian international and general Vagina Face Gennaro Gattuso saw a red card, as Inter coasted to a 4-0 victory and a day in first place. The other thing I learned about Italian soccer today: former Revolution goalkeeper/manager Walter Zenga is now a manager in Serie A.

Germany:

Bayer Leverkusen won again to maintain their Bundesliga lead, while Schalke lost at home to Freiburg to fall slightly off the pace. Bayern Munich got a small share of revenge on Wolfsburg with a 3-0 home victory, lifting them from 14th to 7th in the league.

London Derby Day: 8/23

2009-08-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

Everything's coming up Spurs!

West Ham United 1-2 Tottenham

Carlton Cole put the Hammers ahead early in the second half with a spectacular strike, only to set up Spurs' equalizer five minutes later on a horrible back pass attempt. Aaron Lennon's 79th minute winner then sent Spurs back to the top of the Premier League.

Burnley 1-0 Everton

Perhaps I underestimated Turf Moor, Burnley's home stadium, and the effect it might have in keeping the Clarets up. Wade Elliott scored for the home team, and in the second half Louis Saha missed a purportedly undeserved penalty for the Toffees.

Fulham 0-2 Chelsea

The strike team of Drogba and Anelka paired to bring home three points from their West London rivals. Chelsea joined Spurs with three wins from three games, and sit in second on goal differential.

Italy:

Inter Milan got a penalty tally from new striker Samuel Eto'o, but Serie A noob AS Bari drew level again in the 74th minute to force a draw against the defending champions. Among other notable teams, Roma lost their opener at Genoa, 3-2, despite taking a 2-1 lead with 25 minutes to play. Genoa subsequently find themselves atop the table with that result. Also, Juventus opened with a 1-0 victory over Chievo Verona.

Germany:

Despite a goal from former Newcastle forward Obafemi Martins, defending champions Wolfsburg lost at home to Hamburg, 4-2, and failed to reclaim the top position. The win put Hamburg second to Bayer Leverkusen. Elsewhere, Werder Bremen got their first victory of the campaign thanks to a double by Claudio Pizarro.

Midweek Soccer:

Liverpool takes on Aston Villa tomorrow on ESPN2 to finish the Prem's week, and after that there is an assortment of Carling Cup second round matches, the second legs of qualifying rounds in UEFA Champions Leage And Europa League. If you must, you can throw in the CONCACAF Champions League group stage matches!

Man U's Revenge: 8/22

2009-08-22T19:00:00.000-04:00

Did Kenwyne have to do a double-flip after his second goal?

Arsenal 4-1 Portsmouth

Arsenal got plenty of attention from their 6-1 drubbing of Everton in the opening weekend. This result was, frankly, about what should have been expected- Pompey are an embarrasment. I would like to thank them for sending Glen Johnson the way of my boys, though! The win propelled the Gunners past their hated London rivals Spurs and into first place.

Birmingham City 0-0 Stoke City

This one had all the appeal of watching paint dry. And probably some failed long throw-ins.

Hull City 1-0 Bolton

Jozy may not have scored on his Premier League debut, but he did set up Hull's winner very shortly after coming on as a sub, and all accounts make it seem that he had a strong all-around first effort. Then again, it was only Bolton...

Manchester City 1-0 Wolverhampton

Adebayor continued to show his worth to his new club with the winning strike in the 17th minute, and, with a little assistance tomorrow, City could find themselves with one of those Top 4 spot their owners are targeting.

Sunderland 2-1 Blackburn

Kenwyne Jones fought the Black Cats back from an early deficit with a double. Not to try to cheapen Mr. Jones's accomplishments, but Blackburn gainfully employs Paul Robinson to keep their goal, so someone was bound to score eventually...

Wigan 0-5 Manchester United

Call this one Manchester United's revenge for their midweek loss to Burnley. Though Wigan looked solid in the first half, SAF lit a fire under his team while they were eating the orange slices their moms brought, and once Wayne Rooney broke through in the 56th minute, the floodgates opened. A mild congrats are also due to Mr. Rooney for his 100th and 101st goals with the Red Devils, and to Michael Owen on his first goal with the club. Good that he got that out of the way before his first injury.

Italy:

Beckhambeckhambeckham's once and future club, AC Milan, took the early Serie A lead with a 2-1 victory over Siena, because only two games were played on the opening day, and the other was a draw between Bologna (delicious) and Fiorentina (a team whose nickname is "The Lilies", which certainly passes for threatening by Italian soccer standards). Both of Milan's goals were scored by Pato, and I'll make a huge leap and just assume that The Gooch played and kicked ass. I don't know where to look to find reports on Italian soccer, and frankly I wouldn't want to know where to look anyways.

Germany:

A road draw on Friday temporarily put Schalke 04 in first place in the Bundesliga, but they were surpassed on goal differential Saturday, when Bayer Leverkusen put up a 5-0 road victory at newly promoted SC Freiburg to take over at the top. Meanwhile, Bayern Munich are now winless in their first three games, following a 2-1 loss at Bundesliga noob FSV Mainz. They stand in 12th place.

Premier League: Infinite Crisis (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2009-08-21T12:16:00.023-04:00

Well, we're a full week into the Premier League season, so you know what time it is...

PANIC TIME!

Across the board, prognosticators are scrambling to fix their season predictions and save some face after seeing the results of the league's first two matches, as these matches clearly determine how the entire season will unfold. In case you haven't been keeping up with the news over the past seven days, I'll give you a quick rundown of the top stories:

-Liverpool lose a match (ARE LIVERPOOL IN CRISIS?)

-Man United win a match (MINIMUM 8-PEAT?)

-Chelsea squeak out a win at home over Hull City (ARE CHELSEA IN CRISIS?)

-Arsenal demolish Everton (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Spurs win their first two matches (IS THE WORLD GOING TO END?)

-Liverpool win a match (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

-Man United lose a match (ARE UNITED IN CRISIS?)

-Chelsea have a 100% record after two matches (HERE ARE YOUR 2009/2010 CHAMPIONS!)

So yes, Liverpool have what it takes to win the title and do not have what it takes to win the title. You can take that insight to the bank.

Let's get on with the preview.

As always, this week's matches will be arbitrarily rated on a scale from 1-5 based on their "watchability", which I am sure is not a word, but is still something a TV pundit would use to describe an event. This week's system will be based on...

SUPER POWERS

5 (Telekinesis)

Fulham v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100

My boy Clint Dempsey is clutch.

Prediction: 2-1

4 (Regeneration/Invulnerability)

West Ham v Tottenham: Sunday, 0830

Where can I get my hands on a "Tottenham Hotspur: Premier League Champions (If the Season Ended August 21st)" T-Shirt?

Prediction: 1-1

Liverpool v Aston Villa: Monday, 1800

Perhaps it's time we take away our endorsement from Villa. And no, we will not be giving it to Hull, no matter how many Jozy Altidores play for them.

Prediction: 3-1

3 (Super Strength)

Arsenal v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000

This does not bode well for Pompey, who had to use one of their ball boys in central defense last week.

Prediction: 4-0

Man City v Wolves: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Wigan v Man Utd: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 1-2

Burnley v Everton: Sunday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

2 (Optic Lasers)

Like Lasik, but backwards.

Sunderland v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000

If Darren Bent can score two goals in his first two matches, how many goals do you think Mrs. Redknapp would have?

Prediction: 1-0

1 (Lame-ass Fireworks from your hands)

Birmingham v Stoke: Saturday, 1000

It's times like this when I really miss Boro.

Prediction: 0-0

Hull City v Bolton: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Genoa v AS Roma: Sunday, 1445

I'm sure that people of Italian descent and/or David Beckham are super excited that the Serie A is back. People who seek excitement... Well, not so much. Enjoy your calcio!

Prediction: 1-1

Bundesliga: For Your Health

TSG Hoffenheim v Schalke 04: Friday, 1430

Insert David Hasselhoff joke here.

Prediction: 2-3

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Citing money troubles, Portsmouth management has decided to sell off the bulk of their squad, stating "We can play with seven guys, right?"

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Mighty Mighty Bosstones

"Someday I Suppose"

Ska-Core, The Devil, and More

Funny Internet Thing

Seeing as this week's theme is "Super Powers", it only seemed right that I post this classic.

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"My aroma, stick that nose up in the air...

Is that the excuse you use to ruin me?"

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

That Escalated Quickly: 8/16

2009-08-16T20:00:00.004-04:00

The Blues' tag team of referee-abusing douchebags celebrates

After a slow summer of World Cup qualifying, FIFA Confederations Cup, CONCACAF Gold Cup, and transfer madness from the maniacs at Man City and the new Galacticos in Madrid, the Prem is finally back! The most notable league-wide trend was that Week 1 was all-or-nothing: there were no draws in the ten matches on the weekend. Read on to get a brief synopsis of the formerly-named Weekend In Review...

Chelsea 2-1 Hull City

The Tigers scored early and battled fiercely, but in the end, Horseface was impossible to keep at bay. Watching the end of this game on ESPN2 early Saturday morning, it felt completely inevitable that Chelsea would find a winner, and it only took two of the six added minutes for Drogba's chipped cross to accidentally find its way into the net.

Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham

Fulham get a Bobby Zamora deflection off a shot by our boy, Clint Dempsey. Portsmouth, after suffering a long summer filled with considerable sell-offs, look set in with the meager goal of survival this season.

Wolverhampton 0-2 West Ham United

Wolves fall in their first Premier League match in five years, with goals from the generically named Mark Noble and Matthew Upson for the visiting Hammers.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester City

The first day of Manchester City's offseason experiment went surprisingly well. Emmanuel Adebayor's pre-game coin flip must have come up 'heads', as he decided to show up, give an effort, and score on his debut. Because he's an inconsistent, primadonna striker, you see...

Bolton 0-1 Sunderland

Darren Bent shut me up before I had a chance to say anything about him that would endear me to The Big Bear.

Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan

The Villans looked punchless and directionless, and Wigan commanded the three points as penance for the shitty display, looking much the more likely threat for a spot in Europe next year.

Stoke City 2-0 Burnley

I've heard a few different people say they expect Burnley should be an interesting squad this year, as they play a style that resembles what West Bromwich Albion brought to the table last year. Have these people forgotten that WBA finished dead last last year? Either way, Burnley took their first step in following that mold on Saturday.

Everton 1-6 Arsenal

Remember when I said "I pick against Arsenal at my own peril" (see item 3)?? The Gunners wasted no time making me look like I have no idea what I'm talking about. So thanks for that, Fabregas and company.

Manchester United 1-0 Birmingham City

Wayne Rooney provided the winner, and SAF got the only result he cares about, even if they weren't the dominant United of the last couple of years.

Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool

Spurs showed strength and resilience, Liverpool showed themselves to be somewhat short on ideas in attack, and the result was deserved for the home team. Symbolic of how disjointed Pool looked, Martin Skrtel and Jamie Carragher concussed one another going after the same header, despite their not being a Spurs offender nearby.

Germany:

It was Week 2 in Bundesliga, and only defending champions Wolfsburg and Big Bear-supported Schalke 04 pulled wins from both matches. Wolfsburg came from behind to defeat FC Cologne, 3-1, while Schalke 04 hung a 3-0 shutout on Bochum. Other team-of-interest Bayern Munich, last year's runner up, managed to salvage a draw at home against Werder Bremen on Saturday.

Goal Of The Week:

Spurs defender Benoit Assou-Ekotto scores a scorching goal, his first in senior soccer.

Upcoming Events:

A little more than half of the Premier League will be in league matches on Tuesday or Wednesday this week, with exceptions for the teams playing in Europe, which is headlined by Celtic vs. Arsenal in Champions League (now on FSC, no more Tommy Smyth and talk of "old onion bags"...hurray!). Until then, let's continue to bask in the return of meaningful club soccer!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation... (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

2009-08-14T09:09:00.037-04:00

The Prem is back, and not a minute too soon. Those certainly were a rough few months. I even had to watch baseball a few times. BASEBALL. I should have just napped.

All that garbage is over now, though. Let's preview!

SUMMER-RELATED ACTIVITIES

5 (Outdoor Drinking)

Lord knows, if there's one thing better than drinking, it's drinking outside. Plus, it's uber-convenient if you find yourself needing to use the facilities or vomit. THE WORLD IS YOUR TOILET!

Tottenham v Liverpool: Sunday, 1100

It's the Oversized-Expectations Championship! Which team will disappoint its fans first?

Prediction: 1-2

Everton v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230

Prediction: 2-2

4 (Going to the Beach)

Ha ha! Fuck you, Middle America!

Blackburn v Man City: Saturday, 10:00

Rovers midfielder has stressed the need for his side to "kick lumps" out of City. Over/under on yellow cards in this match: 7.

Prediction: 1-2

3 (Grilling)

Chelsea v Hull City: Saturday, 0745

Chelsea are early favorites for the title, but Hull have only won twice in their last 29 league matches... NOTHING'S GOT TO GIVE!

Prediction: 3-0

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 2-0

Man Utd v Birmingham: Sunday, 0830

Prediction: 2-0

2 (Working)

At least, if you work in an office, it's air conditioned.

Portsmouth v Fulham: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-1

Wolverhampton v West Ham: Saturday, 1000

Why Wolves didn't select the epic "3-Wolf Moon" t-shirt for their home kit is beyond me.

Prediction: 1-1

Bolton v Sunderland: Saturday, 1000

Prediction: 0-0

1 (Watching the US B-Side Lose 5-0 to Mexico)

Well, that happened.

Stoke v Burnley: Saturday, 1000

Burnley played some stylish soccer in the Championship last season, which, if we learned anything from West Brom, who played stylish soccer in the Championship two years ago, equals relegation. Meanwhile, Stoke managed to stay up rather comfortably by using throw-ins as their primary offensive strategy. Time to think inside the box, Owen Coyle!

Prediction: 0-0

Bundesliga: For Your Health

Bayern Munich v Werder Bremen: Saturday, 0930

Hey, kids! Do you like goals? Do you not care if your stars are eight different kinds of ugly? Then the Bundesliga is for you!

Prediction: 3-2

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Still reeling from the global recession, Manchester City's owners are forced to scale back the club's transfer budget to a measly 700 million pounds.

Hold onto Your Socks, for They May Be Rocked Off

Metallica

"Master of Puppets"

Master of Puppets

If I was to go, say, zombie hunting, this would be the song I would listen to to pump myself up. Also, I would never forget to carry a crowbar, but that's a whole other can of worms, there.

Funny Internet Thing

Artur Boruc's Friday Rage Lists over at Dirty Tackle are pretty much as funny as soccer-related humor gets.

Unless you love corn. AAAAAAAAAAHHH

Fred Durst's Words of Wisdom

"Your world is Titanic, floating on the funk."

The Big Bear's Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted on Fridays throughout the Premier League Season.

EPL Prediction MADNESS!!

2009-08-12T12:14:00.024-04:00

So, much like we did with the MLS, the writers of WCIS have decided to do a little question and answer number regarding the upcoming EPL season. Will we be correct? Will we look like jackasses (yes!)? Will I be offered a job to write for ESPN Soccernet? No one knows! And that's the fun of preseason!

1. What team will win the Premiership and why?
Mathemagician: I’m backing Chelsea to take the league title, thanks to a relative lack of roster turnover, a coach who has proven successful in a relatively comparable league, and the infinite monies of a crazy Russian mobster billionaire. (Side note: While I respect Ancelotti’s achievements, fuck him sideways for AC Milan’s 2007 Champions League victory)

Blastbao: Is is sad that the only Chelsea supporter of the group doesn't think Chelsea is going to win it? My vote is for Liverpool honestly. And that pains me. As much as swine flu... Or Man City getting into the top 4. Boo! Liverpool lost Alonso, but they're still solid from back to front. As long as Benetiz stops screwing with the lineup, they'll be tough to beat.

The Big Bear: Chelsea, but there isn't much separating them from Liverpool and United (hell, and maybe Arsenal, too).

My rationale? A just God would not allow United a fourth consecutive title. 'Pool just need too many things to fall their way to pull it off (Reds fans can always take solace in Rafa steamrolling his way to the whining championship, however). And as for Arsenal... Well, fuck those guys.

2. What three teams will be dropped?
MM: I will be rooting hard for Manchester City to drop just for the comedy of it, but in reality the three teams that are headed out are Sunderland (on the “strength” of having signed Darren Bent), Burnley (a team with the potential to challenge Derby County’s Epic Fail from two seasons ago), and Birmingham City (a lack of recognizable talent eventually squeezes them out in the final days of the season).

Blast: Let's go with... Burnley, West Ham, and Man Utd. Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?

Ok I am. I say Sunderland. Why, you ask? Why the hell not?

TBB: Burnley, Hull, and Pompey. This should be another tight race, and honestly, one could feel free to replace any or all of those teams with Wolverhampton, Birmingham, Stoke, Wigan, Bolton, or even Blackburn. I can't wait to hear FSC commercials for games involving these teams later in the season:

THE TIGERS DESPERATELY NEED A WIN TO CLIMB OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE...

BUT THE BLUES ARE ALSO REALLY FUCKING BAD...

IT'S HULL CITY VERSUS BIRMINGHAM, THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX SOCCER CHANNEL!

3. What teams will qualify for the Champions League?
MM: Chelsea (see above), Liverpool (once they figure out life without Xabi Alonso, they should submit a strong season), Manchester United (Sir Alex Fuckhead won without Cristiano Ronaldo’s prancing before, he can surely do so again), and Everton. I pick against Arsenal at my own peril, but I just don’t see how they got better in the offseason, and the Toffees are still very solid throughout. Also, I am heavily partial to Timmy Howard.

Blast: Chelski, Pool, Man Utd, and Everton because I love them so. I'd like to say Fulham, but, you know... They're Fulham.

TBB: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.

Whoop-de-do. The Champions League is for lamers, anyway.

4. Will wonder-boy Ronaldo’s leaving affect ManU’s chances this season of a repeat?
MM: Most definitely. While he wasn’t up to his previous standards last year (down to “only” 26 goals from 42 the previous season), he was still the most influential attacking player for the squad when they were at their best. The idea of “replacing” him with Michael Owen and Nani is beyond laughable. They might be good enough to repeat in the Carling Cup, but I doubt they’ll take down the league title.

Blast: I don't see how Owen can't handle the job of both Tevez and Ronaldo. He's a solid striker who.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, wait. I'm sorry. I just couldn't even finish that without bursting into laughter. There is no way Man U will be the same team as last year. Sure, Rooney is nasty, but Berbatov and Owen? Really? That's your solution? Good luck with that.

TBB: I think so. United had a lot more going for them than just Ronaldo (who cannot kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets), but his 18 league goals are a lot to make up, and Michael "Not Injury Prone" Owen won't be the solution after he somehow manages to step on a land mine two weeks into the season.

5. How about the FA Cup?
MM: Trying to predict what will happen in the crapshoot that is the FA Cup is nearly impossible. I usually lean toward Arsenal, because they theoretically employ the best “youngster” squad to roll over League One and League Two teams in early rounds, when the Liverpools of the world tend to flirt with succumbing to squads like Havant and Waterlooville.

Blast: Wolverhampton!!!! Go Wolves!

TBB: Liverpool, maybe? It's a crapshoot.

6. Will Man City’s crazy summer spending be enough to land them in the top 4? If not, then where?
MM: Hell no! The team was a solid, if inconsistent, offensive team last season, and all they seemed to do was add striker upon striker, without fully addressing their back four. In theory, Shay Given and Kolo Toure will help, but Adebayor, Robinho, Roque Santa Cruz and Carlos Tevez play zero defense. I think they’ll move up from 10th last season, but probably go no higher than 6th in the end. And I will watch most of their games, if they are on, because 3-3 is a possibility every time out.

Blast: Only if they incorporate the 1-1-8 formation. Sure, they give up a lot of goals, but they'll score even more! That sounds like a good plan to me. You can't buy championships. Just ask my boy, Roman Abramovich. I say they end up in 5th.

TBB: No, but they'll certainly make a go of it. I see City landing in 5th, which will probably result in Mark Hughes being fired.

7. Who will be the Golden boot of the Prem?
MM: I’m tempted to say Wayne Rooney, but I don’t think he will quite get there, so I’m going with the complete homer pick of Fernando Torres. My prediction will probably doom him to another injury-plagued season, but I’ve got to make a homer pick somewhere…

Blast: Altidore. BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going with Anelka or Torres. Drogba might even make a late run.

TBB: I'll say Wayne Rooney, although Darren Bent may win it just to piss me off.

8. How about Altidore? Break through for Hull?
MM: I am intrigued to see how well Jozy holds up against some of the best central midfielders in the world, but what can we expect from a 19 year old? Will he get the lion’s share of playing time for the Tigers? I’m still struggling to see through the insane bias I have after watching his spectacular goal against Spain at Confed Cup, and while I don’t think he’s a top quality striker by Premier League standards (specifically, he probably won’t make Nemanja Vidic his personal bitch like ‘Nando can), I think he’ll be successful enough under the improbably tan Phil Brown to keep Hull City above the drop again.

Blast: Um... I just said he's going to win the golden boot, so yes. I think he'll score 5-7 goals this season, but it's going to be a big adjustment. Regardless, it will be good for his future. Keep in mind he's only 19!

TBB: In a word? No. Welcome to the world of Eddie Johnson, Jozy.

9. What team will be surprisingly good?
MM: I’m going with the same team I thought was surprisingly good last year (which I guess makes it less surprising, but anyway), and that team is Fulham. Of course, I am defining “surprisingly good” as “team that will coast to a comfortable tenth/eleventh place rather than battle out against relegation in the final weeks”. Other candidates, depending on your definition of “surprisingly good”: Everton, Tottenham

Blast: Fulham! Fulham! Fulham! Either that or Wolves! Rawr FA Cup champions!

TBB: Sunderland, I suppose. Steve Bruce is a good manager and they've made some solid signings this offseason.

10. What team will be surprisingly bad?
MM: Once again, I’m reading this as “surprisingly bad other than teams I expect to be relegated”, because, seriously, Burnley is going to be a goddamn disaster. But I’m going with Portsmouth here, for no other reason than their newfound lack of Crouchy goodness. Another candidate: West Ham

Blast: Stop stealing my answers! I was going to say West Ham. So bad, in fact, that I voted for them to be relegated. Woot woot.

TBB: Pompey are in trouble. Looking at their current roster, I don't know if they'll be "surprisingly" bad (just expectedly bad), but they really do seem to be relegation fodder at this point.

11. Will The Big Bear be proud of Tottenham Hotspur this season?

MM: See question nine, I presume there will be a fair amount of robot dancing this season on his part. Assuming they learned from a few years back and have hired someone to taste all players’ meals, I think this year, sans the distraction/extra effort/time crunch required to compete in Europe, could be Spurs’ strongest effort since their fifth place finish in 2006.

Blast: Well, they... picked up... um... Crouch? Really? I mean, he has a super hot girlfriend (see here) so, you know... that's something. Who can't be proud of a freaky looking, ultra thin, tall guy who celebrated his goals by doing the robot, having a girl like that? I know I am.

TBB: If by "proud of" you mean "yelling at the television because of", then yes, I will most certainly be proud of Spurs.

Table Predictions!

MM:
1. Chelsea
2. Liverpool

3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Tottenham
6. Arsenal
7. Manchester City
8. Aston Villa
9. Wigan

10. Fulham
11. Bolton
12. Blackburn
13. Stoke City
14. Hull City
15. Wolverhampton
16. West Ham
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham City
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

Blast:
1. Liverpool
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Manchester City
6. Aresenal
7. Fulham
8. Aston Villa
9. Tottenham
10. Blackburn
11. Bolton
12. Wigan
13. Hull City
14. Wolverhampton (!)
15. Stoke City
16. Portsmouth
17. Birmingham City
18. West Ham
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley

TBB:
1. Chelsea
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Manchester City
6. Everton
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Aston Villa
9. West Ham
10. Sunderland
11. Fulham
12. Blackburn
13. Bolton
14. Stoke
15. Wigan
16. Wolverhampton
17. Birmingham
18. Portsmouth
19. Burnley
20. Hull City

Alright! Thanks for playing everyone! Now we'll all just have to wait and see how much comes true! Make sure to stay tuned for more witty, snarky, and sexy commentary throughout the season. Love and kisses.

Team USA News: Jozy's A Tiger!

2009-08-05T22:51:00.005-04:00

It was semi-news when Jozy Altidore scored against the Spanish National Team in the Confederations Cup in June. His goal was the supposed "fuck you" to the Spanish team that signed him (Villareal), which then loaned him out to a second division team (Xerez, now promoted, who was unable to use Jozy due to a training injury). He is now realizing transfer prosperity from that single goal, moving to Hull City in England. Altidore revealed the news ahead of time with a Sweet Tweet, and this WCIS editor is now officially prepared to suggest that this site's non-partisan EPL endorsement should be shifted from Aston Villa to Hull City immediately.

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 5 & 6

2009-06-22T08:20:00.013-04:00

Photo credit: ISIphotos.com

USA 3-0 Egypt

Try as I might, I

couldn't manage seventeen

syllables of "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!111111"

Brazil 3-0 Italy

Here's a great result for us

Italy goes home

Suck it, Giuseppe

Spain 2-0 South Africa

That was a close one

Spain almost had to try there

Suck it, Giuseppe

Iraq 0-0 New Zealand

This match was hella boring,

but I can still say

Suck it, Giuseppe

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 4

2009-06-19T09:06:00.007-04:00

Brazil 3-0 United States

USA's play was

lamer than polio legs

When does the Prem start?

Egypt 1-0 Italy

This group just became

a bit more interesting

Suck it, Giuseppe

Note: "Suck it, Giuseppe" works as a great space filler, just like "Screw Flanders".

Fire Bob Bradley

2009-06-18T10:45:00.007-04:00

OK... I haven't spoken out here in a very long time, but as I sit here and watch Brazil ruin the US, one thing is standing out in my mind. You guessed it: I like cheeseburgers. No wait... Fire Bob Bradley! Good god, this man is a terrible coach.

I think the Confederations Cup is a great litmus test for where the teams stand, and what teams will potentially face one another in the World Cup. Guess who's failing that test? It's not Italy. Are our players outclassed if you break it down one on one? Sure. Are we supposed to even advance out of the group in this tournament? No, definitely not. But we should we go into this group stage riding high on confidence and appreciating the privilege of earning an invite to this tournament? Yes!

When it comes down to it, our players aren't giving enough. And the coach isn't getting anything from them. We've given up goals in the first 10 minutes 3 out of the last 4 games we've played. Awesome. The substitution changes he makes, when he makes them, are mind boggling. The stupid nepotism that occurs, allowing Beasley, Kljestan, and his son to continue to playing even when they are obviously not performing is hurting the team. I think there is a total lack of preparation for upcoming games, especially in hostile environments. Just look at the Costa Rica game if you don't believe me. They even practiced there an extra day!! Why did they come out acting like they didn't know how to make a simple pass. Oh it was the turf it was the turf. Guess what? The other team played on the same field, and they scored 3 goals. So much for that argument.

Yes, I understand that the U.S. is not going to win every game, and is especially not going to win against massive world powers like Italy and Brazil, but come on. Show a little heart. Could we have won the Italy game? Maybe. Probably not, but keep in mind we did have the lead going into halftime. Stupid decisions by the player, never nipped in the bud by the person who coaches them, caused a break down in the mid-field that led to all 3 goals from Italy. Nice control.

Let sidetrack myself a little and say can we please please please stop playing Michael Bradley ever again. He is terrible, runs through players, makes stupid runs and passes, doesn't hold anything down, and doesn't know how to communicate with any other player in mid-field with him. Don't believe me? Watch a game and see how many times he either runs into or is right in the way of another mid-fielder, especially when they need to defend. It's childish, and an U-15 team could do better. And I don't even mean the U-15 national team.

Fire Bradley and get a real coach please. Stop disgracing our nation and hire someone who can bring some respect to the beautiful game. Or, if nothing else, teach our players how to play something a little more beautiful. What we have obviously isn't working.

P.S. Second half just started. Conor Casey is in. Ug...

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 3

2009-06-18T10:10:00.005-04:00

Spain 1-0 Iraq

What an easy group

the next match Spain plays

is against your High School team

South Africa 2-0 New Zealand

It would be helpful

if someone would tell me what

a "Bafana" is

USA-Italy: The Big Bear's Take

2009-06-15T19:30:00.024-04:00

Image from New York Times

Well, first and foremost, our hatred for Giuseppe Rossi is well placed. Fuck that Billy Joel-looking motherfucker. Fuck him right in the ear.
The Clark red card was devastating. Even though the team responded very, very well, his dismissal was likely responsible for Italy's first two goals. Had a defensive/holding midielder (i.e. Clark) been on of the field, Rossi and De Rossi would likely have been closed down before they were able to fire off their respective shots.
That being said, the red card was a fair decision. Clark's tackle wasn't malicious by any means, but it was knee high and very late. The fact that Alexei Lalas thought that it was a crazy decision only helps to solidify this point. I think by now we've all learned never to listen to Alexei Lalas.
Most of the guys out there (at least on the American side) played as well as, if not better than, I have ever seen them play. And yet we ended up losing by two goals. Obviously, one of the reasons for this discrepancy was the aforementioned red card, but the final result also speaks, to some degree, to the sheer difference in talent between the two squads. Now, provided we qualify, it won't be long before World Cup hysteria (and by "hysteria", I mean like 2 or 3 articles) will take over here in the US and some prognosticators in the media will start to predict ridiculously great things for the men's national team. It's time to be realistic. Our goal should be simply to progress out of the group stages. We could get lucky and make it farther, but, based on talent alone, it doesn't look like we should expect the team to recreate the side's quarterfinal run from 2002.
Despite the result, I'm proud of the side. They deserved at least a point. Landypants (of whom I normally am excessively critical) and the Gooch (besides his mistake on the De Rossi goal), in particular, should receive extra plaudits.
The team has come a long way from the 3-1 loss to Costa Rica a couple of weeks ago. Still, we haven't improved much from 2006. It's time to let Bob Bradley go. He seems like a decent guy, and is probably the best American for the job, but he isn't going to take the team to the next level, whatever that may be. We need a change. My suggestion: throw a ton of money at Guus Hiddink.
Oh, and in case you were curious about the Billy Joel comment:

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 2

2009-06-15T16:55:00.002-04:00

Douche.

Italy 3-1 United States

Hey there, Giuseppe

New Jersey is not

part of Italy, you fuck

Brazil 4-3 Egypt

Games are much more fun

when nobody plays defense

Insert poop joke here

Your Confederations Cup Haiku Review: Matchday 1

2009-06-15T14:20:00.008-04:00

Spain 5-0 New Zealand

This was expected;

Torres scores three goals

New Zealand: Stick to rugby

South Africa 0-0 Iraq

A boring draw, but

a win for Iraq

Uday cannot torture them

Hopefully Real Madrid's Physical Doesn't Involve a Test for Herpes...

2009-06-12T09:15:00.004-04:00

High-five!

Well, that's about right. [Dirty Tackle]

United Accept Bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

2009-06-11T07:11:00.003-04:00

Ronaldo realizes he'll have to leave his favorite hookers in Manchester.

I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad with the Ted DiBiase picture, as Real have now shelled out an astounding 80 million pounds for the Portuguese winger. [BBC Sport]

Time to Learn Some Spanish Poop Jokes

2009-06-08T20:21:00.005-04:00

Real Madrid president Florentino Perez celebrates his newest signing.

The protracted Kaka (tee hee)-to-Madrid saga finally ends, with the Spanish giants dishing out a record-setting 56 million pounds for the (now former) AC Milan star. [BBC Sport]

Yeesh.

2009-06-04T13:10:00.005-04:00

Well, that happened...

For WCIS, This Is Your Drunken USA Halftime Recap

2009-06-03T23:00:00.004-04:00

At the moment, it is the 22nd minute of the Team USA Epic Fail in San Jose (the non-American San Jose). So far it has been a clusterfuck of defensive mistakes and a massively ineffective 4-3-3 formation. I know, I know, the US hasn't done anything in Costa Rica in a long time, but still, this was a whole lot like Dave Chapelle's failure to show up for the third season of his own show.

The first goal was a nice strike after a defender fell down and had no support from teammates outside the 18 yard box, but the second goal was a heaping pile of USA FAIL. Costa Rica gets far too free down their left flank, our young defenders overcommit to that side like teeball fielders chasing a baseball, and for some reason Timmy Howard is way the fuck off his line (think Goldberg from the "Mighty Ducks" movies). Again, there's a little credit to the Costa Rican fans, who are insanely loud and right on top of the pitch, which is undoubtedly what led to some of the miscommunication between Timmy Howard and his defensive back line, but, seriously, Bob Bradley? You can't simulate crowd noise somehow in your training sessions? (Side note: maybe you can't, I don't know shit about how the team trains, I'm currently just being a drunken pissed off asshole watching the game and rant-typing because I felt the impulse)

As a final note, I'd like to thank ESPN's resident soccer fucktard Eric Wynalda for suggesting at halftime that, because they came back from 2-0 down to draw against El Salvador, the USMNT could do the same against Costa Rica. Congratulations on not being able to recognize the difference between a middling CONCACAF side that doesn't deserve much respect, and a CONCACAF side that should be beside the USA and Mexico as near-locks for the World Cup every four years.

/end drunken rant
//hopes to claim credit for any reverse-jinxing second half production
///Prove me wrong, USMNT...PROVE ME WRONG

Gareth Barry Dislikes Europa League; Loves Money, However

2009-06-03T08:28:00.009-04:00

Debonair-as-hell Gareth Barry signs for Manchester City, who finished 22 points behind his WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa side last season. [BBC Sport]

A Note on the Offseason...

2009-06-03T08:09:00.005-04:00

Now that the season has ended, and we are stuck in that long month and a half-ish when not much really happens, I'm going to eschew the Morning Roundups for the time being. Nonetheless, dear reader(s), we'll be coming at you with the following this offseason:

A Premier League Season in Review, posted hopefully sometime before the next season begins.
Updates on the biggest soccer news, like, say, this.
Pictures that may or may not have anything to do with the subsequent post.
Some sort of Confederations Cup-related mumbo jumbo.
POSSIBLE NEW FEATURES ZOMG!

Thanks for following We Call it Soccer.

Morning Roundup, 05/28/09

2009-05-28T08:15:00.007-04:00

EEEEEEEAGLE!

Barcelona win the Champions League; Poor Manchester United are forced to settle for only two trophies this season. [BBC Sport]
Looks like we're in for another summer of "Ronaldo to Madrid" rumors. So much for pledging to stay at United. [Guardian]
Pompey to jump aboard Dr. Sulaiman Al-Fahim's magical money train. [Times]
F365 predicts some of the big names potentially on the move this summer. [F365]

Morning Roundup, 05/27/09

2009-05-27T08:38:00.011-04:00

In case you were not aware, the Champions League final is today. It's like the UEFA Cup, but lame. [BBC Sport]
ESPN provides its own "When you go on the internet, he is a terrific star..." moment with a segment on the "UEFA Championship League Final". [101 Great Goals]
Rome continues to add to its rich heritage of Manchester United fan stabbings. [Guardian]
Steve Bruce may be the man to turn Sunderland from a poor team into a mediocre team next season. [Sky Sports]