In Which I Rant About Qatar Hosting the 2022 World Cup (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

I don't mean to be a sore loser about the 2022 World Cup Bid and all, but QATAR!? SERIOUSLY!? For crying out loud, FIFA ignored its own technical report that ranked Qatar's bid at the bottom of all of the final round's potential 2022 hosts. Half a dozen people live there, it's hotter than the surface of the sun, and drinking is frowned upon. Sounds like good times.

Oh, I know, "Bringing the game to another part of the world blahblahblah...". But here's a little secret: people in Qatar already play soccer! Honest! They have a league and everything! Juninho plays there! If FIFA are going to let that rationale determine where the World Cup will be held, then the 2026 tournament better take place in the middle of Papua New Guinea, because headhunters have not yet had the opportunity to experience the joy of watching a 0-0 draw between Switzerland and Honduras firsthand.

At least there won't be any infrastructure problems, right? Block quote time:

Some travellers with flights booked out of Doha International Airport were forced to postpone their planned departures, prevented from going anywhere by the gigantic, euphoric throng of people in the city streets.

One of them, Mahmoud Hassan, told FIFA.com: “Due to the traffic jams, I wasn’t able to reach Doha airport for my flight to Bahrain. But you could see the joy on everyone’s faces. It’s really incredible to see all these people, Qataris as well as foreigners, celebrating the event together.”

-FIFA.com

So you're saying traffic will not be a problem, then.

Plus, I'm pretty sure that the bad guy at the end of Taken is from Qatar. IS THAT THE IMAGE YOU WANT, FIFA? THE 2022 WORLD CUP WILL NOW BE ASSOCIATED WITH SOME FAT DUDE WHO BUYS KIDNAPPED GIRLS FOR USE AS SEX SLAVES. WHERE IS LIAM NEESON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

/hyperventilates

Okay, okay. Maybe I should take a more rational look at Qatar. Let's check the fact sheet, shall we?

Pros:

• Lots of money. By some estimates, Qatar has the highest per capita GDP in the world. The planet’s third largest gas reserves have something to do with this, I’d imagine.
• A MOTHERFUCKING ISLAND STADIUM
  

Cons:

• The average high temperature for July in Doha is 114 degrees Fahrenheit. My research tells me that this may not be the optimum temperature for playing soccer. You can trust me, because I'm a scientist.
  
• Currently, it is illegal to show alcohol or appear intoxicated in public. It may be best for England fans if the Three Lions just don't qualify for this one, then.
  
• Homosexuality is illegal. So much for FIFA's commitment to tackling homophobia.
  
• About 1.7 million people live in Qatar. The attendance for the 2010 World Cup was 3.2 million. This means that Qatar will essentially have to build an additional Qatar's worth of infrastructure just to temporarily service the people traveling to the country for the World Cup. See above block quote for potential issues.
  
• I do not live there, and probably will therefore not be able to attend any of the matches. HOW DARE FIFA NOT THINK OF MY NEEDS.
  

I’m guessing Sepp and company made their decisions upon hearing the pros and immediately disregarded everything else. Money, you say? Island stadium, you say? GIVE THEM THE TOURNAMENT, POST HASTE.

Let's get to the preview...

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

POTENTIAL 2022 WORLD CUP HOST NATIONS

5 (America, Fuck Yeah)

Liverpool vs. WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa
Monday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

Is anyone in the world, besides Sepp Blatter and the miscellaneous other FIFA bigwigs, even remotely interested in the speeches given before the winning bids are announced? Yesterday's announcement could have been accomplished by simply stating "The committee has decided to award the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar." Instead, we have to listen to Sepp ramble on about how "In football we learn to win and this is easy, in football we also learn to lose and this is not so easy...", while I bang my head on my desk and scare my coworkers.

Ugh. FIFA are just the worst.


4 (Australia)

Chelsea vs. Everton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-2

Manchester City vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-2

I never thought I’d say this, but from a neutral’s perspective, Bolton are the most fun Premiership team to watch right now. Don't believe me? Check out their second goal from last week:

Bolton: It's like watching Barcelona, but with Kevin Davies instead of Leo Messi.

3 (Japan)

Arsenal vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 3-1

I recently read Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad Spurs fan or not.

Birmingham vs. Tottenham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1

West Brom vs. Newcastle
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-1


2 (South Korea)

Wigan vs. Stoke
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

Blackpool vs. Manchester United
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Sunderland vs. West Ham
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 1-0

Jonathan Spector for World Player of the Year, anyone?


1 (Qatar YEAH, I SAID IT)

Blackburn vs. Wolverhampton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0


Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Real Madrid vs. Valencia
Saturday, 1600
Prediction: 2-1


Take it away, Ray:

"OH, BOY! AFTER THAT LOSS TO BARCELONA, REAL HAVE GOT TO BE MADDER THAN THE GIANT FROM JACK AND THE BEANSTALK! JOSE MOURNIHO IS STOMPING AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM SAYING 'FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A VALENCIAN'! GET RID OF THE MAGIC BEANS, BOYOS, BECAUSE LOS BLANCOS WILL BE OUT FOR REVENGE! JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN PAYBACK! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN BRAVEHEART! AND ALSO JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN THE PATRIOT! COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY'LL BE OUT FOR REVENGE JUST LIKE MEL GIBSON IN EVERY MEL GIBSON MOVIE!"


From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Schalke 04 vs. Bayern Munich
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 2-3

From what I understand, the reserve team to which Jermaine Jones was demoted is in Germany's fourth division. This means that, potentially, Jones can stick with the reserve side over the next three or so years and guide the team up to the Bundesliga, where the reserves can play the starters. It'll be like JV versus varsity! ONCE AGAIN, REAL LIFE IS JUST LIKE MIGHTY DUCKS 3.


Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Lazio vs. Inter Milan
Friday, 1445
Prediction: 2-1

As have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post a video that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present the trailer to the 1993 film Super Mario Brothers:

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

Hoping to further raise their country's soccer profile, officials from Qatari League side Al-Sadd will attempt to sign Ashley Cole. To sweeten the deal, Al-Sadd will offer to pay the Chelsea left back in skanks.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Make 'Em Say Uhh!"
Master P
Ghetto D

This song features a murderer’s row of mediocre rappers. AND I LIKES IT.


Funny Internet Thing

Studs Up provides a look into FIFA's methodology for choosing the winning World Cup bids.


The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue."
-DJ Pauly Delvecchio (MAKIN' ALL THE GIRLS' PANTIES DROP)

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.