Just the Essentials (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

No intro this week, folks. I'm getting straight to the point, business dog-style.

This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

CELEBRITY MOUSTACHES

5 (Tom Selleck)

WCIS-Endorsed Aston Villa vs. Manchester United
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 2-2

I tried and tried to come up with a few sentences about this game, but all I could muster was "I do not like Manchester United."

So there you have it. I do not like Manchester United.


4 (Rollie Fingers)

Everton vs. Arsenal
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-3

It's really old news, but, apparently, jokes in which Arsene Wenger is called a pedophile are frowned upon across much of the Premier League. I've always thought these chants were a joke related to the Arsenal manager's predilection towards signing young talent, and not to his driving around North London in a windowless van offering candy to toddlers (IT'S STRICTLY PLATONIC. LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON). It would be nice if someone would clarify this for me.


3 (Geraldo Rivera)

Newcastle United vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 2-1


Tottenham vs. Blackburn
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1

Let’s have a look at the XI I’ve put together using Spurs’ injured list (plus Heurelho Gomes), shall we?

GK: Heurelho Gomes (healthy)
DF: Ledley King, Michael Dawson, Jonathan Woodgate
MF: Aaron Lennon, David Bentley, Tom Huddlestone, Jamie O’Hara, Giovani dos Santos
FW: Roman Pavlyuchenko, Jermain Defoe, Robbie Keane

Now there's a team that could lose to Bolton in style.


Stoke vs. Liverpool
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2

Last weekend and friend and I hit up Nevada Smith's in Manhattan for the Stoke-Sunderland game. As someone who is not from New York, I always feel like a complete rube when I go to the city, and that everyone is aware that I am an out-of-towner. Perhaps it's because I dress like this:

Chelsea vs. Sunderland
Sunday 1110
Prediction: 3-1

An 11:10 kickoff? Is this on TBS or something?


2 (Larry Bird)

Manchester City vs. Birmingham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0


West Ham vs. Blackpool
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-1


Wolverhampton vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2


1 (John Waters)

Wigan vs. West Brom
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-1

The last three teams, alphabetically, in the Prem currently occupy the league's three relegation spots. You know someone with OCD is really hoping West Brom picks up the win here.

Ray Hudson Presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Barcelona vs. Villareal
Saturday, 1600
Prediction: 3-1

Take it away, Ray:

"THIS MATCH HAS GOT ME MORE EXCITED THAN A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD WITH A VICTORIA’S SECRET CATALOG! OH, MY! LITTLE XABI AND INIESTA ARE JUST LIKE FRODO AND SAM FROM LORD OF THE RINGS! THEY'RE GONNA THROW GIUSEPPE ROSSI INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM! AND THEN THEY'LL RETURN TO THE SHIRE FOR SOME OF THAT SWEET SWEET HOBBIT LOVIN'!"


From the Folks who Brought you Lager and World Wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga Match of the Week!

Borussia Dortmund vs. Hamburg SV
Sunday, 1030
Prediction: 2-1

I am a Schalke fan, primarily because my family has its origins in a town near Gelsenkirchen. Said town is also close to Dortmund, which home to Schalke's rival, Borussia Dortmund. I have the sneaking suspicion that I'll visit there someday and everyone will be decked out in Dortmund's black and gold.

I will then be promptly shot and given an efficient German burial for failing to properly understand Germany's soccer geography.

I have weird thoughts.


Serie A Match of the Week, if You're into That Sort of Thing

Inter Milan vs. AC Milan
Sunday, 1445
Prediction: 1-1

As have had a tough time coming up with things to say about the Serie A Match of the Week, I will instead post a video that is tangentially related to Italy.

This week, I present Family Guy's Peter Griffin speaking Italian:

Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor

In attempting to fulfill his promise to make Fulham the "Manchester United of the South", Cottagers' owner Mohamed Al Fayed will sign "Crazy" Joe Thompson to the team, hoping his new signing will emulate Bébé's success with the Red Devils. Thompson does not play soccer, but he is homeless.

It's the Weekend. Time to Kick out the Jams.

"Soul Flower (Remix)"
The Pharcyde
Bizarre Ride II: The Pharcyde

The Pharcyde's "Passin' Me By" was played at a bar I was in the other week. I became visibly excited and a man scoffed at me. I very nearly punched him in the face.

AND THEREFORE YOU ARE NOW SUBJECTED TO THE PHARCYDE AD MY BEHEST.


Funny Internet Thing

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"I’ll be flippin’ pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face."
-The Situation

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.