USA 0-0 Colombia: What Did We Learn?

Allow me a little poetic license, here...

"At no point in your rambling, incoherent display were you even close to anything that could be considered entertaining soccer. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Well, that happened. A few bullet points, because I am a lazy writer.

• The 4-3-3 formation Bradley the Elder employed during the first half was abhorrent. Brek Shea and (former competitive Counterstrike player!) Stu Holden repeatedly drifted inside, while it was apparent that Mo Edu (who may or may not have actually played), Bradley the Younger, and Jermaine (don't call him "Germany") Jones (to a lesser degree) were most comfortable playing center midfield. Thus the middle of the pitch was clogged up most of the time, and the US didn't have a shot on goal until the second half.
  
  
In pick-up games, my friends and I often deploy the "bunch up" offense as a joke. Even then, IT NEVER WORKS. We are very bad at soccer.


• I like Jozy. I'm sure you, too, like Jozy. But he has been crap lately, and the US needs another option up front. Badly. And here is where I curse Giuseppe Rossi.
  
  
Yes, I did know that Jermaine Jones is from Germany. Why do you ask?

• We had a Michael Parkhust sighting! And I thought he had spontaneously combusted, or entered the witness protection program, or something. The Mathemagician can once again wear his Parkhurst Revs jersey with pride.

• According to the play-by-play guy, Clint Dempsey's nickname is "The Texas Tornado". I am certain that he has never been called that before.

• Eric Lichaj put in a solid debut performance, and his play was one of the few positives from this crapfest. Fellow debutant Brek Shea surely has seen better days.

• Continuing with the "I am a lazy writer" motif, I'll sum things up with a .gif: