Screw You, Wayne Rooney (THE BIG BEAR'S WEEKEND PREVIEW BONANZA)

I spent a surprisingly large amount of time writing the intro to today's Weekend Preview. The intro was centered around the notion that Wayne Rooney was leaving Manchester United. This morning, in an abrupt change of direction, Wayne Rooney signed a new 5-year contract with the club. He clearly did this just to piss me off.

Screw you, Wayne Rooney.


This week’s Premier League matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on their "watchability", which is a completely made up parameter. This week’s system will be based on…

TYPES OF PIE

5 (Apple pie)

Manchester City vs. Arsenal
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-2

Marouane Chamakh may spend his free time time saving babies from fires, for all I know. On appearance alone, though, it certainly seems like he's the Premier League's douchiest player.

4 (Blueberry pie)

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton
Saturday, 0745
Prediction: 1-2

Spurs central defender William Gallas has admitted to being quite le tired after appearing in a whopping four matches this season.

William Gallas is a piece of shit.


3 (Pecan pie)

Birmingham vs. Blackpool
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-0

Sunderland vs. WCIS-endorsed Aston Villa
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2

Stoke City vs. Manchester United
Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 0-1
The Guardian piece to which we linked yesterday was supposed to be a match report of United's 1-0 victory over Bursaspor. More than half the article was dedicated to lamenting Wayne Rooney's absence and expected departure.

The money quote: "Everything felt so much more innocent back then."

Even Mitch Albom thinks that's a bit much.

Liverpool vs. Blackburn Rovers
Sunday, 1100
Prediction: 2-1
As a Spurs supporter, I know where you’re coming from, Liverpool fans. I really do.


2 (I really should have thought this through, as I enjoy all pie.)

West Brom vs. Fulham
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-0

Wigan vs. Bolton
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 0-2
Notlob are quietly becoming a fun team to watch. Well, maybe not "fun", exactly. Let's go with "not boring".

West Ham vs. Newcastle
Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 1-1


1 (Despair pie. That's a thing, right?)

Chelsea vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 4-0
Do you support a team other than Chelsea? If so, this one’s not gonna be particularly fun or interesting.


Ray Hudson presents: La Liga Match of the Week

Villareal vs. Atlético Madrid
Saturday, 1500
Prediction: 2-1

While one could chalk Jozy's lack of playing time at Villareal up to the fact that he just hasn't been good enough, I choose to blame it on Giuseppe Rossi. It's both easier and more fun that way.


From the folks who brought you lager and world wars I and II, it's the Bundesliga match of the week!

Borussia Dortmund vs. TSG Hoffenheim
Sunday, 0930
Prediction: 2-1

When I went to check this week’s Bundesliga schedule, there was a banner ad for some sort of workout-associated pill that featured a shirtless “The Situation” flexing/squinting/holding a bottle of pills in front of an American flag backdrop. President Camacho approves.


Serie A match of the week, if you're into that sort of thing
Napoli vs. AC Milan
Monday, 1445
Prediction: 0-1

The rumor mill is suggesting Kaka (tee-hee) may return to Milan. Even if that isn't the case, IT'S STILL FUNNY BECAUSE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE A SYNONYM FOR POOP.


Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Upset that they couldn't land Wayne Rooney, Manchester City are expected to instead buy Manchester United.


It's the weekend. Time to kick out the jams.
"Work"
Wale

100 Miles & Running

Funny Internet Thing
"Retired footballer" Bert Tiddle provides his take on the Wayne Rooney situation.

The Jersey Shore Cast's Words of Wisdom

"My boobs are so tight I can't breathe. Is that normal?" -Snooki

The Big Bear’s Weekend Preview Bonanza is posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.

It should also be noted that the Weekend Preview's format is taken from Big Daddy Drew's Drew Magary's Jamboroo over at Deadspin.