Super Jew Yossi Benayoun: 9/12

Ugly and Uglier celebrate for 'Pool

Blackburn 3-1 Wolverhampton

It's never too early to get out of the "Relegation Zone", and Rovers put on a dominant display against n00b Wolves to get their first win of the campaign and jump from 18th to 13th.

Liverpool 4-0 Burnley

Yossi Benayoun scores a hat trick as Liverpool pwned n00b Burnley. The game was carried on the Worldwide Leader in dropped satellite feeds. Thanks for losing the feed three times, ESPN2, it reminded me of those times I watched Liverpool games with a shitty internet connection on my laptop last year! The Reds move to fifth with the blowout.

Manchester City 4-2 Arsenal

The story of the match that will be covered to death in the coming days was Adebayor following up his goal with a sprint to the opposite end of the pitch to essentially taunt the traveling Gunner fans. Nothing says classy like mocking the club where you built your name, which was what allowed you to jump to another club for a buttload of cash. City go third ahead of next weekend's Manchester derby at Old Trafford.

Portsmouth 2-3 Bolton

A back-and-forth score sheet suggests that perhaps this game wasn't as fail-tastic as you would expect from the two remaining clubs that entered today without a point. Even this early in the season, it looks like it is really going to take a lot of work to keep Portsmouth from being relegated.

Stoke City 1-2 Chelsea

Stoke were certainly up for the game, and found themselves ahead in the first half due to some questionable keeping by Petr Cech, but Horseface scored an excellent strike during the eight minutes of first half extra time, and Florent Malouda scored during the five minutes of second half extra time to claim victory and retain their spot atop the table. Sounds to me like Carlo Ancelotti might be the first manager in many, many years to challenge Sir Alex Ferguson for the title of "Best EPL Manager At Bitching About, And Getting, Egregious Amounts Of Extra Time".

Sunderland 4-1 Hull City

CAT FIGHT! The Todd approves:


The Black Cats got the better of their Tiger counterparts, with two goals from Darren Bent. Harry Redknapp's wife would've got the hat trick...

Wigan 1-0 West Ham United

Hugo Rodallega scored for the Latics to claim victory. **searches for joke, consults Wikipedia** I see that Hugo is Colombian, and he has 7 goals in 21 international appearances. I guess that explains why he hasn't been murdered by his fellow countrymen yet...

Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Manchester United

Jermaine Jenas scored 50 seconds in on a solid bicycle-ish goal, but as the announcers for the game eventually pointed out ad nauseum, Tottenham vs. Man U matches follow a single script. 1) Spurs take a lead 2) Spurs lead does not last 3) The Red Devils eventually win running away. This one had the minor wrinkle of throwing in a Paul Scholes red card after Man U took a 2-1 lead, but- and I still can't figure out how this happened- Man U actually looked at their best with only ten men, adding another goal through Wayne Rooney. The win sent SAF's squad second.

Spain:

Barcelona sunk Getafe, 2-0, on goals from Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lionel Messi, and Real Madrid defeated Espanyol, 3-0, with prancing wonder Cristiano Ronaldo adding the final nail in the coffin in extra time. Stop me if you've heard this script before, but Barca and Madrid are first and second, respectively, in the Spanish table.

Italy:

Milan was held to a scoreless draw at Serie A n00b Livorno, and Juventus defeated Lazio, 2-0 in Rome, to move into first place.

Germany:

Two teams are relatively clear at the top of the Bundesliga at the moment, as Hamburg defeated Stuttgart 3-1 at home to maintain top position, and Bayer Leverkusen won 3-2 at Wolfsburg to retain the second spot. Bayern Munich are charging hard after a poor start, winning 5-1 at Borussia Dortmund to move up from eighth to fourth at the moment.