So, much like we did with the MLS, the writers of WCIS have decided to do a little question and answer number regarding the upcoming EPL season. Will we be correct? Will we look like jackasses (yes!)? Will I be offered a job to write for ESPN Soccernet? No one knows! And that's the fun of preseason!
1. What team will win the Premiership and why?
Mathemagician: I’m backing Chelsea to take the league title, thanks to a relative lack of roster turnover, a coach who has proven successful in a relatively comparable league, and the infinite monies of a crazy Russian mobster billionaire. (Side note: While I respect Ancelotti’s achievements, fuck him sideways for AC Milan’s 2007 Champions League victory)
Blastbao: Is is sad that the only Chelsea supporter of the group doesn't think Chelsea is going to win it? My vote is for Liverpool honestly. And that pains me. As much as swine flu... Or Man City getting into the top 4. Boo! Liverpool lost Alonso, but they're still solid from back to front. As long as Benetiz stops screwing with the lineup, they'll be tough to beat.
The Big Bear: Chelsea, but there isn't much separating them from Liverpool and United (hell, and maybe Arsenal, too).
My rationale? A just God would not allow United a fourth consecutive title. 'Pool just need too many things to fall their way to pull it off (Reds fans can always take solace in Rafa steamrolling his way to the whining championship, however). And as for Arsenal... Well, fuck those guys.
2. What three teams will be dropped?
MM: I will be rooting hard for Manchester City to drop just for the comedy of it, but in reality the three teams that are headed out are Sunderland (on the “strength” of having signed Darren Bent), Burnley (a team with the potential to challenge Derby County’s Epic Fail from two seasons ago), and Birmingham City (a lack of recognizable talent eventually squeezes them out in the final days of the season).
Blast: Let's go with... Burnley, West Ham, and Man Utd. Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?
Ok I am. I say Sunderland. Why, you ask? Why the hell not?
TBB: Burnley, Hull, and Pompey. This should be another tight race, and honestly, one could feel free to replace any or all of those teams with Wolverhampton, Birmingham, Stoke, Wigan, Bolton, or even Blackburn. I can't wait to hear FSC commercials for games involving these teams later in the season:
THE TIGERS DESPERATELY NEED A WIN TO CLIMB OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE...
BUT THE BLUES ARE ALSO REALLY FUCKING BAD...
IT'S HULL CITY VERSUS BIRMINGHAM, THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX SOCCER CHANNEL!
3. What teams will qualify for the Champions League?
MM: Chelsea (see above), Liverpool (once they figure out life without Xabi Alonso, they should submit a strong season), Manchester United (Sir Alex Fuckhead won without Cristiano Ronaldo’s prancing before, he can surely do so again), and Everton. I pick against Arsenal at my own peril, but I just don’t see how they got better in the offseason, and the Toffees are still very solid throughout. Also, I am heavily partial to Timmy Howard.
Blast: Chelski, Pool, Man Utd, and Everton because I love them so. I'd like to say Fulham, but, you know... They're Fulham.
TBB: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.
Whoop-de-do. The Champions League is for lamers, anyway.
4. Will wonder-boy Ronaldo’s leaving affect ManU’s chances this season of a repeat?
MM: Most definitely. While he wasn’t up to his previous standards last year (down to “only” 26 goals from 42 the previous season), he was still the most influential attacking player for the squad when they were at their best. The idea of “replacing” him with Michael Owen and Nani is beyond laughable. They might be good enough to repeat in the Carling Cup, but I doubt they’ll take down the league title.
Blast: I don't see how Owen can't handle the job of both Tevez and Ronaldo. He's a solid striker who.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, wait. I'm sorry. I just couldn't even finish that without bursting into laughter. There is no way Man U will be the same team as last year. Sure, Rooney is nasty, but Berbatov and Owen? Really? That's your solution? Good luck with that.
TBB: I think so. United had a lot more going for them than just Ronaldo (who cannot kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets), but his 18 league goals are a lot to make up, and Michael "Not Injury Prone" Owen won't be the solution after he somehow manages to step on a land mine two weeks into the season.
5. How about the FA Cup?
MM: Trying to predict what will happen in the crapshoot that is the FA Cup is nearly impossible. I usually lean toward Arsenal, because they theoretically employ the best “youngster” squad to roll over League One and League Two teams in early rounds, when the Liverpools of the world tend to flirt with succumbing to squads like Havant and Waterlooville.
Blast: Wolverhampton!!!! Go Wolves!
TBB: Liverpool, maybe? It's a crapshoot.
6. Will Man City’s crazy summer spending be enough to land them in the top 4? If not, then where?
MM: Hell no! The team was a solid, if inconsistent, offensive team last season, and all they seemed to do was add striker upon striker, without fully addressing their back four. In theory, Shay Given and Kolo Toure will help, but Adebayor, Robinho, Roque Santa Cruz and Carlos Tevez play zero defense. I think they’ll move up from 10th last season, but probably go no higher than 6th in the end. And I will watch most of their games, if they are on, because 3-3 is a possibility every time out.
Blast: Only if they incorporate the 1-1-8 formation. Sure, they give up a lot of goals, but they'll score even more! That sounds like a good plan to me. You can't buy championships. Just ask my boy, Roman Abramovich. I say they end up in 5th.
TBB: No, but they'll certainly make a go of it. I see City landing in 5th, which will probably result in Mark Hughes being fired.
7. Who will be the Golden boot of the Prem?
MM: I’m tempted to say Wayne Rooney, but I don’t think he will quite get there, so I’m going with the complete homer pick of Fernando Torres. My prediction will probably doom him to another injury-plagued season, but I’ve got to make a homer pick somewhere…
Blast: Altidore. BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going with Anelka or Torres. Drogba might even make a late run.
TBB: I'll say Wayne Rooney, although Darren Bent may win it just to piss me off.
8. How about Altidore? Break through for Hull?
MM: I am intrigued to see how well Jozy holds up against some of the best central midfielders in the world, but what can we expect from a 19 year old? Will he get the lion’s share of playing time for the Tigers? I’m still struggling to see through the insane bias I have after watching his spectacular goal against Spain at Confed Cup, and while I don’t think he’s a top quality striker by Premier League standards (specifically, he probably won’t make Nemanja Vidic his personal bitch like ‘Nando can), I think he’ll be successful enough under the improbably tan Phil Brown to keep Hull City above the drop again.
Blast: Um... I just said he's going to win the golden boot, so yes. I think he'll score 5-7 goals this season, but it's going to be a big adjustment. Regardless, it will be good for his future. Keep in mind he's only 19!
TBB: In a word? No. Welcome to the world of Eddie Johnson, Jozy.
9. What team will be surprisingly good?
MM: I’m going with the same team I thought was surprisingly good last year (which I guess makes it less surprising, but anyway), and that team is Fulham. Of course, I am defining “surprisingly good” as “team that will coast to a comfortable tenth/eleventh place rather than battle out against relegation in the final weeks”. Other candidates, depending on your definition of “surprisingly good”: Everton, Tottenham
Blast: Fulham! Fulham! Fulham! Either that or Wolves! Rawr FA Cup champions!
TBB: Sunderland, I suppose. Steve Bruce is a good manager and they've made some solid signings this offseason.
10. What team will be surprisingly bad?
MM: Once again, I’m reading this as “surprisingly bad other than teams I expect to be relegated”, because, seriously, Burnley is going to be a goddamn disaster. But I’m going with Portsmouth here, for no other reason than their newfound lack of Crouchy goodness. Another candidate: West Ham
Blast: Stop stealing my answers! I was going to say West Ham. So bad, in fact, that I voted for them to be relegated. Woot woot.
TBB: Pompey are in trouble. Looking at their current roster, I don't know if they'll be "surprisingly" bad (just expectedly bad), but they really do seem to be relegation fodder at this point.
11. Will The Big Bear be proud of Tottenham Hotspur this season?
MM: See question nine, I presume there will be a fair amount of robot dancing this season on his part. Assuming they learned from a few years back and have hired someone to taste all players’ meals, I think this year, sans the distraction/extra effort/time crunch required to compete in Europe, could be Spurs’ strongest effort since their fifth place finish in 2006.
Blast: Well, they... picked up... um... Crouch? Really? I mean, he has a super hot girlfriend (see here) so, you know... that's something. Who can't be proud of a freaky looking, ultra thin, tall guy who celebrated his goals by doing the robot, having a girl like that? I know I am.
TBB: If by "proud of" you mean "yelling at the television because of", then yes, I will most certainly be proud of Spurs.
Table Predictions!
MM:
1. Chelsea
2. Liverpool
1. What team will win the Premiership and why?
Mathemagician: I’m backing Chelsea to take the league title, thanks to a relative lack of roster turnover, a coach who has proven successful in a relatively comparable league, and the infinite monies of a crazy Russian mobster billionaire. (Side note: While I respect Ancelotti’s achievements, fuck him sideways for AC Milan’s 2007 Champions League victory)
Blastbao: Is is sad that the only Chelsea supporter of the group doesn't think Chelsea is going to win it? My vote is for Liverpool honestly. And that pains me. As much as swine flu... Or Man City getting into the top 4. Boo! Liverpool lost Alonso, but they're still solid from back to front. As long as Benetiz stops screwing with the lineup, they'll be tough to beat.
The Big Bear: Chelsea, but there isn't much separating them from Liverpool and United (hell, and maybe Arsenal, too).
My rationale? A just God would not allow United a fourth consecutive title. 'Pool just need too many things to fall their way to pull it off (Reds fans can always take solace in Rafa steamrolling his way to the whining championship, however). And as for Arsenal... Well, fuck those guys.
2. What three teams will be dropped?
MM: I will be rooting hard for Manchester City to drop just for the comedy of it, but in reality the three teams that are headed out are Sunderland (on the “strength” of having signed Darren Bent), Burnley (a team with the potential to challenge Derby County’s Epic Fail from two seasons ago), and Birmingham City (a lack of recognizable talent eventually squeezes them out in the final days of the season).
Blast: Let's go with... Burnley, West Ham, and Man Utd. Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?
Ok I am. I say Sunderland. Why, you ask? Why the hell not?
TBB: Burnley, Hull, and Pompey. This should be another tight race, and honestly, one could feel free to replace any or all of those teams with Wolverhampton, Birmingham, Stoke, Wigan, Bolton, or even Blackburn. I can't wait to hear FSC commercials for games involving these teams later in the season:
THE TIGERS DESPERATELY NEED A WIN TO CLIMB OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE...
BUT THE BLUES ARE ALSO REALLY FUCKING BAD...
IT'S HULL CITY VERSUS BIRMINGHAM, THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX SOCCER CHANNEL!
3. What teams will qualify for the Champions League?
MM: Chelsea (see above), Liverpool (once they figure out life without Xabi Alonso, they should submit a strong season), Manchester United (Sir Alex Fuckhead won without Cristiano Ronaldo’s prancing before, he can surely do so again), and Everton. I pick against Arsenal at my own peril, but I just don’t see how they got better in the offseason, and the Toffees are still very solid throughout. Also, I am heavily partial to Timmy Howard.
Blast: Chelski, Pool, Man Utd, and Everton because I love them so. I'd like to say Fulham, but, you know... They're Fulham.
TBB: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.
Whoop-de-do. The Champions League is for lamers, anyway.
4. Will wonder-boy Ronaldo’s leaving affect ManU’s chances this season of a repeat?
MM: Most definitely. While he wasn’t up to his previous standards last year (down to “only” 26 goals from 42 the previous season), he was still the most influential attacking player for the squad when they were at their best. The idea of “replacing” him with Michael Owen and Nani is beyond laughable. They might be good enough to repeat in the Carling Cup, but I doubt they’ll take down the league title.
Blast: I don't see how Owen can't handle the job of both Tevez and Ronaldo. He's a solid striker who.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, wait. I'm sorry. I just couldn't even finish that without bursting into laughter. There is no way Man U will be the same team as last year. Sure, Rooney is nasty, but Berbatov and Owen? Really? That's your solution? Good luck with that.
TBB: I think so. United had a lot more going for them than just Ronaldo (who cannot kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets), but his 18 league goals are a lot to make up, and Michael "Not Injury Prone" Owen won't be the solution after he somehow manages to step on a land mine two weeks into the season.
5. How about the FA Cup?
MM: Trying to predict what will happen in the crapshoot that is the FA Cup is nearly impossible. I usually lean toward Arsenal, because they theoretically employ the best “youngster” squad to roll over League One and League Two teams in early rounds, when the Liverpools of the world tend to flirt with succumbing to squads like Havant and Waterlooville.
Blast: Wolverhampton!!!! Go Wolves!
TBB: Liverpool, maybe? It's a crapshoot.
6. Will Man City’s crazy summer spending be enough to land them in the top 4? If not, then where?
MM: Hell no! The team was a solid, if inconsistent, offensive team last season, and all they seemed to do was add striker upon striker, without fully addressing their back four. In theory, Shay Given and Kolo Toure will help, but Adebayor, Robinho, Roque Santa Cruz and Carlos Tevez play zero defense. I think they’ll move up from 10th last season, but probably go no higher than 6th in the end. And I will watch most of their games, if they are on, because 3-3 is a possibility every time out.
Blast: Only if they incorporate the 1-1-8 formation. Sure, they give up a lot of goals, but they'll score even more! That sounds like a good plan to me. You can't buy championships. Just ask my boy, Roman Abramovich. I say they end up in 5th.
TBB: No, but they'll certainly make a go of it. I see City landing in 5th, which will probably result in Mark Hughes being fired.
7. Who will be the Golden boot of the Prem?
MM: I’m tempted to say Wayne Rooney, but I don’t think he will quite get there, so I’m going with the complete homer pick of Fernando Torres. My prediction will probably doom him to another injury-plagued season, but I’ve got to make a homer pick somewhere…
Blast: Altidore. BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going with Anelka or Torres. Drogba might even make a late run.
TBB: I'll say Wayne Rooney, although Darren Bent may win it just to piss me off.
8. How about Altidore? Break through for Hull?
MM: I am intrigued to see how well Jozy holds up against some of the best central midfielders in the world, but what can we expect from a 19 year old? Will he get the lion’s share of playing time for the Tigers? I’m still struggling to see through the insane bias I have after watching his spectacular goal against Spain at Confed Cup, and while I don’t think he’s a top quality striker by Premier League standards (specifically, he probably won’t make Nemanja Vidic his personal bitch like ‘Nando can), I think he’ll be successful enough under the improbably tan Phil Brown to keep Hull City above the drop again.
Blast: Um... I just said he's going to win the golden boot, so yes. I think he'll score 5-7 goals this season, but it's going to be a big adjustment. Regardless, it will be good for his future. Keep in mind he's only 19!
TBB: In a word? No. Welcome to the world of Eddie Johnson, Jozy.
9. What team will be surprisingly good?
MM: I’m going with the same team I thought was surprisingly good last year (which I guess makes it less surprising, but anyway), and that team is Fulham. Of course, I am defining “surprisingly good” as “team that will coast to a comfortable tenth/eleventh place rather than battle out against relegation in the final weeks”. Other candidates, depending on your definition of “surprisingly good”: Everton, Tottenham
Blast: Fulham! Fulham! Fulham! Either that or Wolves! Rawr FA Cup champions!
TBB: Sunderland, I suppose. Steve Bruce is a good manager and they've made some solid signings this offseason.
10. What team will be surprisingly bad?
MM: Once again, I’m reading this as “surprisingly bad other than teams I expect to be relegated”, because, seriously, Burnley is going to be a goddamn disaster. But I’m going with Portsmouth here, for no other reason than their newfound lack of Crouchy goodness. Another candidate: West Ham
Blast: Stop stealing my answers! I was going to say West Ham. So bad, in fact, that I voted for them to be relegated. Woot woot.
TBB: Pompey are in trouble. Looking at their current roster, I don't know if they'll be "surprisingly" bad (just expectedly bad), but they really do seem to be relegation fodder at this point.
11. Will The Big Bear be proud of Tottenham Hotspur this season?
MM: See question nine, I presume there will be a fair amount of robot dancing this season on his part. Assuming they learned from a few years back and have hired someone to taste all players’ meals, I think this year, sans the distraction/extra effort/time crunch required to compete in Europe, could be Spurs’ strongest effort since their fifth place finish in 2006.
Blast: Well, they... picked up... um... Crouch? Really? I mean, he has a super hot girlfriend (see here) so, you know... that's something. Who can't be proud of a freaky looking, ultra thin, tall guy who celebrated his goals by doing the robot, having a girl like that? I know I am.
TBB: If by "proud of" you mean "yelling at the television because of", then yes, I will most certainly be proud of Spurs.
Table Predictions!
MM:
1. Chelsea
2. Liverpool
3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Tottenham
6. Arsenal
7. Manchester City
8. Aston Villa
9. Wigan
4. Everton
5. Tottenham
6. Arsenal
7. Manchester City
8. Aston Villa
9. Wigan
10. Fulham
11. Bolton
12. Blackburn
13. Stoke City
14. Hull City
15. Wolverhampton
16. West Ham
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham City
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley
11. Bolton
12. Blackburn
13. Stoke City
14. Hull City
15. Wolverhampton
16. West Ham
17. Portsmouth
18. Birmingham City
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley
Blast:
1. Liverpool
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester United
4. Everton
5. Manchester City
6. Aresenal
7. Fulham
8. Aston Villa
9. Tottenham
10. Blackburn
11. Bolton
12. Wigan
13. Hull City
14. Wolverhampton (!)
15. Stoke City
16. Portsmouth
17. Birmingham City
18. West Ham
19. Sunderland
20. Burnley
TBB:
1. Chelsea
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Manchester City
6. Everton
7. Tottenham Hotspur
8. Aston Villa
9. West Ham
10. Sunderland
11. Fulham
12. Blackburn
13. Bolton
14. Stoke
15. Wigan
16. Wolverhampton
17. Birmingham
18. Portsmouth
19. Burnley
20. Hull City
Alright! Thanks for playing everyone! Now we'll all just have to wait and see how much comes true! Make sure to stay tuned for more witty, snarky, and sexy commentary throughout the season. Love and kisses.
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1 comment:
YOU BETTER DAMN WELL THINK CROUCHIE'S ROBOT DANCE IS SEXY!
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