Weekend Of Champions In Review: 5/18

Manchester United 0-0 Arsenal

Congratulations to Manchester United on winning your seventy billionth trophy. How about sharing a few with the rest of the class, dammit?!

Bolton 1-1 Hull City

I can't remember the last time Hull pulled a single point from a match. Actually, I just looked it up. April 4, scoreless draw vs. Portsmouth. Their last win? A month earlier, March 4 at Fulham.

Everton 3-1 West Ham United

Other than Everton moving up to fifth in the league, this one didn't mean shit to either team. Brace to Louis Saha.

Middlesbrough 1-1 Aston Villa

How far did Villa slide since they were in fourth all those months ago? And where will Tuncay play next year when Boro is likely to be in the Championship?

Newcastle 0-1 Fulham

The Magpies are back in the bottom three going into the final weekend. Can they make a great escape, much like Fulham did last year? There are pretty much only two teams you absolutely want to be playing right now needing a win: Hull and Aston Villa. Luckily, Newcastle has one of those two in their final match.

Stoke City 2-0 Wigan

Other than Stoke leapfrogging Wigan for 11th (big fucking deal), this match had nothing at stake.

Tottenham 2-1 Manchester City

Robbie Keane gets the match winner on a late penalty, then joins teammates in a bizzare, "rock the baby" celebration.

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Liverpool

The Baggies are officially returning to the Championship next year. Liverpool is left to the consolation of coming in second place with their best-ever point total in the Premier League.

Chelsea 0-0 Blackburn

There's really only one question for Chelsea now, but it's a hugely important one: Who replaces Guus Hiddink? Reasons 1 through 10 why Chelsea are likely to finish third are some variation of "Scolari sucked".

Portsmouth v Sunderland

The final Monday Night Football of the year, made all the more compelling by John Madden's retirement. BOOM!

Elsewhere:

Barcelona salted away the Spanish League title on Saturday while sitting on their asses, as Real Madrid succumbed away to the Yellow Submarine. So in the Champions League final, either Man U will win a quad or Barcelona will win a triple. But European soccer isn't massively lacking parity or anything...

Inter Milan also watched as the Italian League trophy was handed to them by their closest competitor's failure, because AC Milan lost to Udinese on Saturday afternoon. How do you say "Special One" in Italian?? Surely Inter fans know...

In Germany, the title is going to come down to the final day. Current leaders Wolfsburg find themselves there after a 5-0 destruction of Hannover, and, with a victory on the final day against Werder Bremen, would win their first significant trophy in club history. Seriously. The remaining contenders are Bayern Munich, who fell two points off the lead with a 2-2 draw against(Hassel)Hoffenheim, and Stuttgart, who got a 2-0 victory to remain two behind. Technically, Hertha Berlin is mathematically still alive for the title, but since they would need a win, a Wolfsburg loss, a draw in the match between Munich and Stuttgart, and would need to overcome the goal differential tiebreaker with Wolfsburg (currently Wolfsburg is +35, Berlin is +11), they're toast.

MLS Note:

Conor Casey: You are a giant bag of douche. Please stop complaining about getting fouled when, in actuality, you just fucking bodyslammed yet another Revs defender.

Relegation Musical Chairs:

Sunderland 36 Pts. -17
Hull City 35 Pts. -24
Newcastle 34 Pts. -18
Middlesbrough 32 Pts. -28
West Bromwich Albion 31 Pts. -31

West Brom clinched their own doom on Sunday, and Newcastle slid behind Hull City with their loss. Sunderland hosts Chelsea, Hull City hosts Man U, Newcastle goes to Aston Villa, and Boro goes to West Ham in the final round of play next Sunday.

Goals Of The Week:



Midweek Action:

One thing, and one thing only: The UEFA Cup Final. German side Werder Bremen will take on Ukranian side Shaktar Donetsk on Wednesday in Istanbul. Just to recognize the significant scalps these teams picked up on the way to the final, Werder Bremen have taken down AC Milan (ZOMG BECKHAM?!?!?!) and Hamburg, while Shaktar have finished off Tottenham Hotspur, Marseille and Dynamo Kyiv. Who will win? I'll take the Germans, 2-1 aet.

Weekend In Review posts Mondays at 8:15.