Pundits in all sports seem to greatly relish dubbing young up-and-comers as the next “insert star name here”. Here in the US, basketball fans are annually subjected to stories about “the next Jordan” come draft time. Unless the person they are talking about is a physical clone of MJ, said up-and-comer will inevitably fail to meet expectiations. Especially if he is Harold Miner (HEY REMEMBER WHEN HE WON THE DUNK CONTEST AND WAS ON THE COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRADED FOR KIDS OR SOMETHING).
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So, at least in Europe, the new rage is claiming any young Frenchman with North African ancestry is the “New Zidane”. We’ve heard it about Yoann Gourcuff, Samir Nasri, and, amazingly, Adel Taarabt (must have been a slow news day). The most egregious example of this assertionm though, has to be Madin Mohammed. Who is Mohammed, you ask? Well, let me give you some key stats:
He is French
His parents are Algerian.
HE IS FUCKING SIX YEARS OLD
You know who else was good at soccer at the age of six? Me. Okay, admittedly I was nowhere near as good as this kid, seeing as my best and only move was “taking the ball away from the other team and kicking it as far down the field as possible”, but, at the time, I was considered good for my age group. Since then, my skills have only decreased. Today, I am fucking awful. Six year-old me could absolutely demolish the modern Big Bear (Dammit, he keeps taking the ball away from me and booting it downfield! How can I stop that?).
Now, somewhere in that mess of prepositional phrases and possible run-on sentences lies my point. The kid is six. We have no idea what the hell is going to happen to him over the next ten-plus years. He could, like many children his age, decide to concentrate more on transformers or video games or eating boogers than on soccer. Or perhaps the weight of these expectations may burn him out at the age of 14 and he could end up like a French Corey Feldman. Or maybe he’ll put in hours and hours of training and become a respectable, but not superstar, soccer player. There are myriad possibilities, as, once, again, HE IS SIX.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll lead France to World and European championships and go out in a blaze of glory headbutting some douchebag. I’d bet against it, though.
This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…
SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS
5 (Somewhere in Central America/The Caribbean)
Manchester United v Tottenham: Sunday, 1000
Carling Cup Final
The Beeb referred to this match as “intriguing”. I suppose whoever said this was intrigued by how large the margin of Man Yoo’s victory will be.
United’s defense has more or less a rock all season. So has Spurs’, but, in this case, it’s one that is mostly made up of, like, Talc (LOL GEOLOGY HUMOR).
Prediction: 2-0
4 (Las Vegas)
Arsenal v Fulham: Saturday, 1000
Perhaps Clint Dempsey’s nickname “Deuce” is in reference to the average number of minutes per game he plays at Fulham.
Or maybe poop.
Prediction: 2-1
Chelsea v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Wigan’s strategy in this one should be to blind their opponents with their visible-from-space away jerseys.
Prediction: 3-1
3 (Florida)
Everton v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
Okay, Arteta’s out for the season. By my calculation, this leaves Everton with 7 players at their disposal for this weekend’s game. David Moyes only needs 6.
Prediction: 1-0
Aston Villa v Stoke: Sunday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0
West Ham v Man City: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1
2 (Nowhere, because you are a grown-up and there is no Spring Break)
Bolton v Newcastle: Sunday, 0800
Well, Newcastle, at least you can take solace in the fact that your beer is mighty tasty.
Prediction: 0-0
Hull v Blackburn: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1
1 (Caution: Match Involving Boro)
Middlesbrough v Liverpool: Saturday, 1000
This game could actually be interesting, as the Reds need a win to stay within range of Man Yoo, and Middlesbrough tend to play well against strong opposition. Unfortunately, I am contractually obligated to give this match a ‘1’.
Prediction: 1-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Inter Milan v AS Roma: Sunday, 1430
I preferred Esteban Cambiasso when he sported a comb-over.
Prediction: 2-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Atlético Madrid v Barcelona: Saturday, 1600
So Atlético forward Sergio Aguero’s wife (Diego Maradona’s daughter) gave birth to a boy recently. I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: HE IS THE NEXT ZIDANE
Prediction: 1-2
Bundesliga Bundesfuntime Bundesshow
Werder Bremen v Bayern Munich: Sunday, 1100
We’re rapidly approaching last chance saloon for Landypants in Germany. See him while you still can, because this picture just doesn’t have the same gravitas when he’s in the MLS.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So, at least in Europe, the new rage is claiming any young Frenchman with North African ancestry is the “New Zidane”. We’ve heard it about Yoann Gourcuff, Samir Nasri, and, amazingly, Adel Taarabt (must have been a slow news day). The most egregious example of this assertionm though, has to be Madin Mohammed. Who is Mohammed, you ask? Well, let me give you some key stats:
He is French
His parents are Algerian.
HE IS FUCKING SIX YEARS OLD
You know who else was good at soccer at the age of six? Me. Okay, admittedly I was nowhere near as good as this kid, seeing as my best and only move was “taking the ball away from the other team and kicking it as far down the field as possible”, but, at the time, I was considered good for my age group. Since then, my skills have only decreased. Today, I am fucking awful. Six year-old me could absolutely demolish the modern Big Bear (Dammit, he keeps taking the ball away from me and booting it downfield! How can I stop that?).
Now, somewhere in that mess of prepositional phrases and possible run-on sentences lies my point. The kid is six. We have no idea what the hell is going to happen to him over the next ten-plus years. He could, like many children his age, decide to concentrate more on transformers or video games or eating boogers than on soccer. Or perhaps the weight of these expectations may burn him out at the age of 14 and he could end up like a French Corey Feldman. Or maybe he’ll put in hours and hours of training and become a respectable, but not superstar, soccer player. There are myriad possibilities, as, once, again, HE IS SIX.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll lead France to World and European championships and go out in a blaze of glory headbutting some douchebag. I’d bet against it, though.
This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…
SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS
5 (Somewhere in Central America/The Caribbean)
Manchester United v Tottenham: Sunday, 1000
Carling Cup Final
The Beeb referred to this match as “intriguing”. I suppose whoever said this was intrigued by how large the margin of Man Yoo’s victory will be.
United’s defense has more or less a rock all season. So has Spurs’, but, in this case, it’s one that is mostly made up of, like, Talc (LOL GEOLOGY HUMOR).
Prediction: 2-0
4 (Las Vegas)
Arsenal v Fulham: Saturday, 1000
Perhaps Clint Dempsey’s nickname “Deuce” is in reference to the average number of minutes per game he plays at Fulham.
Or maybe poop.
Prediction: 2-1
Chelsea v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Wigan’s strategy in this one should be to blind their opponents with their visible-from-space away jerseys.
Prediction: 3-1
3 (Florida)
Everton v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
Okay, Arteta’s out for the season. By my calculation, this leaves Everton with 7 players at their disposal for this weekend’s game. David Moyes only needs 6.
Prediction: 1-0
Aston Villa v Stoke: Sunday, 1000
Prediction: 2-0
West Ham v Man City: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1
2 (Nowhere, because you are a grown-up and there is no Spring Break)
Bolton v Newcastle: Sunday, 0800
Well, Newcastle, at least you can take solace in the fact that your beer is mighty tasty.
Prediction: 0-0
Hull v Blackburn: Sunday, 0730
Prediction: 1-1
1 (Caution: Match Involving Boro)
Middlesbrough v Liverpool: Saturday, 1000
This game could actually be interesting, as the Reds need a win to stay within range of Man Yoo, and Middlesbrough tend to play well against strong opposition. Unfortunately, I am contractually obligated to give this match a ‘1’.
Prediction: 1-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Inter Milan v AS Roma: Sunday, 1430
I preferred Esteban Cambiasso when he sported a comb-over.
Prediction: 2-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Atlético Madrid v Barcelona: Saturday, 1600
So Atlético forward Sergio Aguero’s wife (Diego Maradona’s daughter) gave birth to a boy recently. I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: HE IS THE NEXT ZIDANE
Prediction: 1-2
Bundesliga Bundesfuntime Bundesshow
Werder Bremen v Bayern Munich: Sunday, 1100
We’re rapidly approaching last chance saloon for Landypants in Germany. See him while you still can, because this picture just doesn’t have the same gravitas when he’s in the MLS.
Prediction: 2-2
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Claims that Mohammed Zidan is "The New Zidane" are proved false after it is revealed the Egyptian striker lacks the requisite "e" to be a superstar.
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Comfortably Numb” (5:18)
Roger Waters (feat. Van Morrison)
The Wall: Live in Berlin
The fact that this song is featured in The Departed only makes it more awesome.
Funny Internet Thing
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Claims that Mohammed Zidan is "The New Zidane" are proved false after it is revealed the Egyptian striker lacks the requisite "e" to be a superstar.
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Comfortably Numb” (5:18)
Roger Waters (feat. Van Morrison)
The Wall: Live in Berlin
The fact that this song is featured in The Departed only makes it more awesome.
Funny Internet Thing
Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom
“You're not wasting my time, I'm just cooling.”
The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted (almost) every Friday throughout the Premier League season.
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1 comment:
That Landycakes picture haunts my dreams...
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