No time for foreplay this week. Let’s bust out the K-Y and get down to business.
This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…
SUPERBOWL PARTY SNACK FOODS
5 (Buffalo Wings)
Manchester United v Everton: Saturday, 1230
Remember earlier this season, when everyone was all like OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAN YOO THEY ARE NOT GOOD THIS SEASON.
Yeah, about that…
Prediction: 2-0
4 (Tortilla Chips & Salsa)
Liverpool v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100
These teams have played each other something like every other match for the past five years. And like 90 percent of those games have been boring as all hell. I’m still forced putting this here on the off chance that it is entertaining.
Plus, it’ll be exciting to see what Rafa chooses to whine about this time. My guess is it’ll be that the lunch before the game was not sufficiently satisfying.
Prediction: 1-1
Arsenal v West Ham: Saturday, 1000
Ah, yais... Zees is real football… Not like zat stupeed JJB.
/drinks real champagne
/finds something else to complain about
Prediction: 3-2
3 (Anything Cheese-Related)
Stoke v Man City: Saturday, 0745
Robinho’ s gonna attack the competition like they’re an attractive member of the opposite sex.
Too soon?
Prediction: 1-1
Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Sssssh… Don’t tell anyone, but Villa are only 3 points out of first place.
Prediction: 3-1
Bolton v Tottenham: Saturday, 1000
Redknapp’ll probably play Gareth Bale in this one. We all know what that means.
Prediction: 2-0
Newcastle v Sunderland: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-2
2 (Crudité)
Hull City v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
In this forced analogy, Hull is a generic female character in a Hallloween movie, while the rest of the relegation candidates are Michael Myers. Hull may have though they were free and clear, but then BAM, Sunderland stabs them in the neck with a butcher’s knife.
Prediction: 1-1
Fulham v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000
Why did you let go of Jimmy Bullard, Roy Hodgson!? Why!? You’ll be missing so much! The skill, the free kicks, the flowing hair, the frequent injuries…
Oh, maybe that’s why.
Prediction: 1-0
1 (Nothing)
Middlesbrough v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000
At this point, I should just replace this category with “Match Involving Boro”. Sorry, Teesiders.
Prediction: 1-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Genoa v Palermo: Sunday, 0900
I had no idea Salami was this good at soccer. BA-ZING!
I’ll be here all night. Don’t forget to tip your servers, people.
Prediction: 1-0
La Liga Match of the Week
Deportivo la Coruña v Villarreal: Sunday, 1100
Yeah, I know Deportivo aren’t fun to watch. But the Yellow Submarine is. Plus, maybe Jozy Altidore will do something. Like headbutt Giuseppi Rossi.
Prediction: 1-1
SUPERBOWL PARTY SNACK FOODS
5 (Buffalo Wings)
Manchester United v Everton: Saturday, 1230
Remember earlier this season, when everyone was all like OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAN YOO THEY ARE NOT GOOD THIS SEASON.
Yeah, about that…
Prediction: 2-0
4 (Tortilla Chips & Salsa)
Liverpool v Chelsea: Sunday, 1100
These teams have played each other something like every other match for the past five years. And like 90 percent of those games have been boring as all hell. I’m still forced putting this here on the off chance that it is entertaining.
Plus, it’ll be exciting to see what Rafa chooses to whine about this time. My guess is it’ll be that the lunch before the game was not sufficiently satisfying.
Prediction: 1-1
Arsenal v West Ham: Saturday, 1000
Ah, yais... Zees is real football… Not like zat stupeed JJB.
/drinks real champagne
/finds something else to complain about
Prediction: 3-2
3 (Anything Cheese-Related)
Stoke v Man City: Saturday, 0745
Robinho’ s gonna attack the competition like they’re an attractive member of the opposite sex.
Too soon?
Prediction: 1-1
Aston Villa v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
Sssssh… Don’t tell anyone, but Villa are only 3 points out of first place.
Prediction: 3-1
Bolton v Tottenham: Saturday, 1000
Redknapp’ll probably play Gareth Bale in this one. We all know what that means.
Prediction: 2-0
Newcastle v Sunderland: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 2-2
2 (Crudité)
Hull City v West Brom: Saturday, 1000
In this forced analogy, Hull is a generic female character in a Hallloween movie, while the rest of the relegation candidates are Michael Myers. Hull may have though they were free and clear, but then BAM, Sunderland stabs them in the neck with a butcher’s knife.
Prediction: 1-1
Fulham v Portsmouth: Saturday, 1000
Why did you let go of Jimmy Bullard, Roy Hodgson!? Why!? You’ll be missing so much! The skill, the free kicks, the flowing hair, the frequent injuries…
Oh, maybe that’s why.
Prediction: 1-0
1 (Nothing)
Middlesbrough v Blackburn: Saturday, 1000
At this point, I should just replace this category with “Match Involving Boro”. Sorry, Teesiders.
Prediction: 1-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Genoa v Palermo: Sunday, 0900
I had no idea Salami was this good at soccer. BA-ZING!
I’ll be here all night. Don’t forget to tip your servers, people.
Prediction: 1-0
La Liga Match of the Week
Deportivo la Coruña v Villarreal: Sunday, 1100
Yeah, I know Deportivo aren’t fun to watch. But the Yellow Submarine is. Plus, maybe Jozy Altidore will do something. Like headbutt Giuseppi Rossi.
Prediction: 1-1
And for your Bundesliga enjoyment….
Hamburg v Bayern Munich: Friday, 1430
Mmmmmm… Hamburg…
Prediction: 2-2
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Neither Charles N’Zogbia or Shay Given will be allowed to leave Newcastle United this transfer window.
Alive…
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Bat Country”
Avenged Sevenfold
City of Evil
Apparently, these guys used to be an emo band. Luckily, they made up for that by metal-ing out and TOTALLY ROCKING THE SHIT
Funny Internet Thing
Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom
"Theirs goes, 'Ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.' Ours goes, 'Ding ding ding ding dingy ding-ding.'"
The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays.
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1 comment:
Yea... about that Villareal match...
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