If, for some reason, you weren’t aware, Man City are offering AC Milan 100 million pounds for Kaka (tee-hee). Some might say that this is a ridiculous deal. Others may also say this is a ridiculous deal.
For instance, the hundred million pounds could garner a starting 11 of Brad Friedel (2.5 m), Glen Johnson (4 m), Gianluca Zambrotta (7.6 m), Eric Abidal (13.4 m), Gabriel Heinze (9 m), Shaun Wright-Phillips (already on squad), Wesley Sneijder (24.1 m), Christian Poulsen (8.7 m), Rafael Van der Vaart (11.6 m), Ronaldinho (16.5 m), and Robinho (already on squad), plus another 2.6 million pounds to buy a backup. You’d be fooling yourself if you didn’t think this team, along with other existing City players like Micah Richards and Stephen Ireland, could win the Prem (and possibly the Champions League). You’d at least sell a ton of jerseys.
But what else could Man City’s owners buy for 100 million pounds (roughly $149 million)?
This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…
INDIANA JONES MOVIES
5 (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Liverpool v Everton: Monday, 1500
For some reason, the Merseyside derby doesn’t seem to be a big event among Prem watchers in the states. Most Liverpool fans tend to reserve their bile for Man United and the other big four teams, and most Everton fans do not exist (at least in the US).
Prediction: 2-1
4 (The Last Crusade)
Tottenham v Portsmouth: Sunday, 1100
David James has instructed Pompey fans to give their former manager and striker as much hell as possible. Clearly, only good can come of this.
If nothing else, this match should be interesting due to the two sides’ sheer desperation. Plus, bonus racist/homophobic chanting! Yay!
Prediction: 1-1
Man City v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
This could be one of those games where City play well. Or not.
SEE I AM NOW THE PETER KING OF SOCCER.
Prediction: 2-2
3 (The Temple of Doom)
Bolton v Manchester United: Saturday, 1000
Has anyone ever looked less excited to be a professional athlete than Dimitar Berbatov? Cheer up, dude, you get to go to Bolton this week.
Prediction: 0-2
Chelsea v Stoke: Saturday, 1000
Brave John Terry looks to bravely put in another brave performance against inferior opposition. Avenge Big Phil!
Prediction: 1-0
Hull v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2
Sunderland v Aston Villa: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2
2 (Not Seeing an Indiana Jones Movie)
Blackburn v Newcastle: Saturday, 1000
If you want to go by championships alone, Blackburn are the 4th most successful team in Premiership history. Let that one sink in while you watch this one.
Prediction: 1-1
West Ham v Fulham: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 1-1
1 (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)
West Brom v Middlesbrough: Saturday, 1000
Looks like it’s two consecutive weeks at the bottom of the viewing tree here for Middlesbrough. This is what happens when Gary O’Neil is one of your best players.
Prediction: 0-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
For instance, the hundred million pounds could garner a starting 11 of Brad Friedel (2.5 m), Glen Johnson (4 m), Gianluca Zambrotta (7.6 m), Eric Abidal (13.4 m), Gabriel Heinze (9 m), Shaun Wright-Phillips (already on squad), Wesley Sneijder (24.1 m), Christian Poulsen (8.7 m), Rafael Van der Vaart (11.6 m), Ronaldinho (16.5 m), and Robinho (already on squad), plus another 2.6 million pounds to buy a backup. You’d be fooling yourself if you didn’t think this team, along with other existing City players like Micah Richards and Stephen Ireland, could win the Prem (and possibly the Champions League). You’d at least sell a ton of jerseys.
But what else could Man City’s owners buy for 100 million pounds (roughly $149 million)?
- A completely impenetrable zombie-proof lair with enough provisions and weapons to survive the impending zombie apocalypse
- The assassination of 100 of your enemies by Francisco Scaramanga
- Probably every MLS player
- 50,000 trips to one of Eliot Spitzer’s prostitutes
- 2,500,000 trips to a considerably cheaper and nastier prostitute
- 4 F-18 hornets, jet fuel, a landing strip, control tower, beach volleyball court and enough homoerotic tension to personally recreate pretty much every scene in Top Gun
- Roughly 50 million liters of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which would cover an average soccer field with 7 3/4 meters (about 25.5 feet) of beer
- AC/DC birthday concerts for the rest of your/their live/s
- A whole lot of chips and salsa
- Kiribati
This week’s Prem matches are rated on an arbitrary scale based on how interesting they would seem to the general public. This week’s system will be based on…
INDIANA JONES MOVIES
5 (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Liverpool v Everton: Monday, 1500
For some reason, the Merseyside derby doesn’t seem to be a big event among Prem watchers in the states. Most Liverpool fans tend to reserve their bile for Man United and the other big four teams, and most Everton fans do not exist (at least in the US).
Prediction: 2-1
4 (The Last Crusade)
Tottenham v Portsmouth: Sunday, 1100
David James has instructed Pompey fans to give their former manager and striker as much hell as possible. Clearly, only good can come of this.
If nothing else, this match should be interesting due to the two sides’ sheer desperation. Plus, bonus racist/homophobic chanting! Yay!
Prediction: 1-1
Man City v Wigan: Saturday, 1000
This could be one of those games where City play well. Or not.
SEE I AM NOW THE PETER KING OF SOCCER.
Prediction: 2-2
3 (The Temple of Doom)
Bolton v Manchester United: Saturday, 1000
Has anyone ever looked less excited to be a professional athlete than Dimitar Berbatov? Cheer up, dude, you get to go to Bolton this week.
Prediction: 0-2
Chelsea v Stoke: Saturday, 1000
Brave John Terry looks to bravely put in another brave performance against inferior opposition. Avenge Big Phil!
Prediction: 1-0
Hull v Arsenal: Saturday, 1230
Prediction: 0-2
Sunderland v Aston Villa: Saturday, 1000
Prediction: 1-2
2 (Not Seeing an Indiana Jones Movie)
Blackburn v Newcastle: Saturday, 1000
If you want to go by championships alone, Blackburn are the 4th most successful team in Premiership history. Let that one sink in while you watch this one.
Prediction: 1-1
West Ham v Fulham: Sunday, 0830
Prediction: 1-1
1 (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)
West Brom v Middlesbrough: Saturday, 1000
Looks like it’s two consecutive weeks at the bottom of the viewing tree here for Middlesbrough. This is what happens when Gary O’Neil is one of your best players.
Prediction: 0-1
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Lazio v Juventus: Sunday, 1430
Will the Old Lady attack be able to cope with Lazio’s vicious defense of fascist salutes? Yes. Yes they will.
Prediction: 0-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Will the Old Lady attack be able to cope with Lazio’s vicious defense of fascist salutes? Yes. Yes they will.
Prediction: 0-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Barcelona v Deportivo la Coruña: Saturday, 1400
Barcelona are dangerously good. I fear for Ray Hudson’s health. He may spontaneously combust on the air during this game.
Prediction: 3-1
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Barcelona are dangerously good. I fear for Ray Hudson’s health. He may spontaneously combust on the air during this game.
Prediction: 3-1
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Man City have tried to improve their chances at a title by placing a 300 million pound bid for Manchester United.
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Fire Woman”
The Cult
Sonic Temple
FIRE WOMAN
YOU’RE TO BLAME
FIRE WOMAN YOU’RE TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME
Quick, everybody check your socks. They may have been rocked the fuck off.
I wonder if lead singer Ian Astbury writes his lyrics in all-caps. I bet he does.
Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Fire Woman”
The Cult
Sonic Temple
FIRE WOMAN
YOU’RE TO BLAME
FIRE WOMAN YOU’RE TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME
Quick, everybody check your socks. They may have been rocked the fuck off.
I wonder if lead singer Ian Astbury writes his lyrics in all-caps. I bet he does.
Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom
“Wack-head tried to play baseball with my homeboy’s bike.”
He sure did, Vanilla.
He sure did.
The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays.
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1 comment:
Sadly, I have too much respect for Tim Cahill to properly hate Everton.
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