As we are, you know, from America, most soccer fans in the US are not born into supporting a particular Premier League team. This means that, at some point, we are forced to arbitrarily choose a club using some sort of ridiculous logic and possibly flow charts/Venn diagrams.
Many decide to follow Man Utd, Chelsea (post-2004), or Arsenal because of something along the lines of “They win all the time.” These people are douchebags. Almost everyone else seems to support Liverpool, for whatever reason.
And then there are the dumbasses.
Like me.
As you may be aware, I support Spurs. I’m not completely sure how this came to be, but I think it may have had something to do with Robbie Keane being thirty-six different kinds of awesome at the 2002 World Cup. In retrospect, this was a bad decision.
Remember in The Last Crusade (yes, that’s back-to-back weeks with Indiana Jones references), when they’re in that chamber with all the cups, trying to pick which one is the Holy Grail, and that dude chooses the shiny one, drinks from it, and subsequently turns to dust? I am that guy. And every time I read something like “Tottenham blow three goal lead to Championship squad” or “Spurs buy Pavlyuchenko for 15 million pounds” or “Tottenham only manage 2 points from 8 games”, the knight guarding the Grail in that film pops into my head and says “He chose… poorly…”
It’s too late for me, but if you still haven’t picked a club to support, don’t follow my example. Choose a “big four” club.
Because it’s better to have some random guy on the internet call you (and I mean the collective “you”, here) a douchebag than to turn to dust week in and week out.
And that knight can be pretty smug.
Okay, there are no Premiership matches this weekend, so no ratings.
Check out USA versus Sweden Saturday at 2030. Sure, the A-teams may not take to the field, but you gotta support your country, right?
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Juventus v Fiorentina: Saturday, 1430
It’s the Serie A Match Fixing Bowl, 2009! Cheat to win, baby!
Prediction: 2-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Malaga v Atletico Madrid: Sunday, 1100
Malaga are on a decent run as of late with 5 wins and 16 points in their last 7 games. I, for one, did not know Malaga C.F. existed before looking up this week’s schedule. Look for that to motivate them this week. Or maybe they’ll just be pissed that Atletico hammered them last time out, 4-0. Definitely one of those two things, though.
Prediction: 1-2
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Real Madrid presidential contender Florentino Perez has followed in the steps of his predecessor by claiming the club has signed Cristiano Ronaldo. He also claims to have agreed to a contract with chubby Brazilian and former galactico (the original) Ronaldo. He is quoted as saying “Two times the Ronaldo equals two times the laffs!”
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Dani California”
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stadium Arcadium
I must say, I initially got sick of this tune mighty quick, as my local radio station played it, like, every ten minutes. Now, with the help of Rock Band and the fact that I don’t listen to the radio much anymore, I have grown a renewed appreciation for “Dani California”. In particular, the guitar solo near the end is pretty bitchin’.
Many decide to follow Man Utd, Chelsea (post-2004), or Arsenal because of something along the lines of “They win all the time.” These people are douchebags. Almost everyone else seems to support Liverpool, for whatever reason.
And then there are the dumbasses.
Like me.
As you may be aware, I support Spurs. I’m not completely sure how this came to be, but I think it may have had something to do with Robbie Keane being thirty-six different kinds of awesome at the 2002 World Cup. In retrospect, this was a bad decision.
Remember in The Last Crusade (yes, that’s back-to-back weeks with Indiana Jones references), when they’re in that chamber with all the cups, trying to pick which one is the Holy Grail, and that dude chooses the shiny one, drinks from it, and subsequently turns to dust? I am that guy. And every time I read something like “Tottenham blow three goal lead to Championship squad” or “Spurs buy Pavlyuchenko for 15 million pounds” or “Tottenham only manage 2 points from 8 games”, the knight guarding the Grail in that film pops into my head and says “He chose… poorly…”
It’s too late for me, but if you still haven’t picked a club to support, don’t follow my example. Choose a “big four” club.
Because it’s better to have some random guy on the internet call you (and I mean the collective “you”, here) a douchebag than to turn to dust week in and week out.
And that knight can be pretty smug.
Okay, there are no Premiership matches this weekend, so no ratings.
Check out USA versus Sweden Saturday at 2030. Sure, the A-teams may not take to the field, but you gotta support your country, right?
Serie A Match of the Week, If You’re into That Sort of Thing
Juventus v Fiorentina: Saturday, 1430
It’s the Serie A Match Fixing Bowl, 2009! Cheat to win, baby!
Prediction: 2-1
La Liga Match of the Week
Malaga v Atletico Madrid: Sunday, 1100
Malaga are on a decent run as of late with 5 wins and 16 points in their last 7 games. I, for one, did not know Malaga C.F. existed before looking up this week’s schedule. Look for that to motivate them this week. Or maybe they’ll just be pissed that Atletico hammered them last time out, 4-0. Definitely one of those two things, though.
Prediction: 1-2
Completely Unfounded Transfer Rumor
Real Madrid presidential contender Florentino Perez has followed in the steps of his predecessor by claiming the club has signed Cristiano Ronaldo. He also claims to have agreed to a contract with chubby Brazilian and former galactico (the original) Ronaldo. He is quoted as saying “Two times the Ronaldo equals two times the laffs!”
Totally Bitchin’ Guitar Solo
“Dani California”
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stadium Arcadium
I must say, I initially got sick of this tune mighty quick, as my local radio station played it, like, every ten minutes. Now, with the help of Rock Band and the fact that I don’t listen to the radio much anymore, I have grown a renewed appreciation for “Dani California”. In particular, the guitar solo near the end is pretty bitchin’.
Funny Internet Thing
People, the Snuggie is just a backwards bathrobe. Just buy a fucking bathrobe.
Vanilla Ice’s Words of Wisdom
“GO NINJA GO NINJA GO.”
The Big Bear’s weekend previews will be posted weekly on Thursdays or Fridays.
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1 comment:
I would recommend Everton or Aston Villa to anyone wanting to not fit the description of a douchebag.
Also, I briefly considered supporting Everton before reading about the 2005 Champions League final.
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